The folks at The Collective have had a pretty amazing week of book blogging (I'm catching up! And now can post a comment! Yay!), and I thought I'd play along. Feel free to play too.
1) What book are you reading right now? I am reading about 4 different things right now, but the one closest to me is Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way. (It's a long story.)
2) What is the fourth sentence on page 133 of that book? "Observant parents can glean a great deal about what their children are thinking and feeling by observing the products of their imaginiation: the artwork, stories, and essays they write for school or for entertainment (see Chapter 2)."
3) What is one book that changed your life? It by Stephen King. I read it when I was 10, going on 11. The main characters of the book (at the beginning) are all in the summer of their 11th year. They were just normal kids, scared shitless by some demonic thing that lived in their town. But they beat it (spoiler alert). Those kids had power and that summer? I had it too. There are others, but that one, that made me see how awesome words and stories really could be.
4) What is one book that you read again and again? I read a lot of books over and over. My room looks like a library. Seriously. I re-read my Nora Roberts books regularly: they're my comfort reads. My next re-read needs to be the last Harry Potter book, though, because I was too upset by the whole end.finality.over-ness of it the first time to actually absorb all the little things.
5) What three books would you want on a desert island? This book turns into a raft; What to do on a raft while you are waiting for rescue and Good Poems for Every Day by Garrison Kellior (well, he put it together anyways... thankfully they are not his poems: I do not get him.)
6) What is the funniest book you've ever read? The funniest? Oh crap, that'd depend on my mood, but the one I remember laughing at most, at least in recent years is America: the Book by Jon Stewart.
7) What book made you cry the most? I also cry pretty easily, but I would say that I bawled the most when I opened up whatever book was next in the Little House series and read the words "Mary was blind." Mary may have been blind, but I was blindsided - She was perfectly fine when I left her 5 minutes ago at the end of the other book!!! Are you kidding me?? What the hell is scarlet fever? And couldn't you have broken the news a little more gently??? I cried so hard my mom came in from the other room and made me calm down before I threw up. I was probably 7 years old.
8. What book do you wish had been written? Exactly what is wrong with NTE and how we fixed it so easily circa 1995.
9) What would be the title of your autobiography? Well I suppose it would have to be the sequel to number 8, but I'm not sure what the title would be yet.
10) What book do you keep meaning to read? The Painted Bird I told someone I had read this, and then sat there nodding along as they talked about plot points, because I realized about 3 seconds into the conversation that I had NOT in fact read that book. (I had read something with a similar title.) And I felt so stupid that I immediately got the book... but I haven't read it yet.
11) What five books should everyone be required to read?
Escaping into the Open by Elizabeth Berg
Harry Potter and... pick your favorite title by J.K. Rowling
All in my Head by Paula Kamen
Key of Knowledge by Nora Roberts
How to Get Your Child to Love Reading by Esma Raji Codel
12) What book was the biggest waste of your time? There's a lot of sucky books out there, but I'd have to say the one I would've thrown against the wall, if it had been an option, was Ethan Frome. Oh my sweet lord, this was a depressing book: my entire impression of the book is this (even after an entire semester spend studying Edith Wharton and her cronies) - It is cold. And snowing. And sad. And bleak. I have a limp. Now I walk in the snow some more, where it will be cold. The end.
13) What was your favorite book as a child? I'm going to go with the first book I remember being a favorite, and that is The Monster at the End of this Book by I have no idea, but staring lovable, furry old Grover. I thought this book was hysterical (and it's a big hit now with my nephews and niece), and it was the first book I remember reading all by myself.
14) What book have you read the most? Good Night Moon by Margaret Wise Brown. I have that down pat... If it were the time of Alice in Wonderland, I would have a recitation ready to go, at a moment's notice. As it is, my brother will literally call me and say "Read her the book" which I will then do, free of charge.
15) Is there any book's ending that you would like to rewrite? Hmm... I know there have been books that have totally pissed me off, but I can't remember them right now.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
"No Grammy!"
Sister Ch taught Lil Girl to guilt trip Mum whenever she goes outside for a cigarette... Here she waits patiently for her to come back in, to scold her some more.
Look where I am!
Oh, wait: you can't see...
So I'll just tell you... I'm on my laptop! MY laptop. With all my saved passwords, and pictures, and slow moving connections! Yay!
Aren't you excited? Don't you think it was worth an $80 fan (and almost twice that in labor) to get it back???
Well I do: I missed it. And I missed you!
And because I did ... how about some pictures?
I thought you'd like that....
I'm off to Flickr-ize, and then I'll post some here.
So I'll just tell you... I'm on my laptop! MY laptop. With all my saved passwords, and pictures, and slow moving connections! Yay!
Aren't you excited? Don't you think it was worth an $80 fan (and almost twice that in labor) to get it back???
Well I do: I missed it. And I missed you!
And because I did ... how about some pictures?
I thought you'd like that....
I'm off to Flickr-ize, and then I'll post some here.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Randomosity
10 days is still not two weeks... and I forgot that they meant 'business days' when they said weeks... So I am still laptop-less - It was indeed the fan that had stopped working: it will indeed cost me about $200 to fix it. I have indeed paid them and am waiting oh so patiently to get it back. End of laptop update.
Medically, things are taking unexpected turns. Well, unexpected for anybody else... just normal "oh my sweet Jesus what now" turns for me. Yesterday's appointment with Zach included blood tests for West Nile Virus, an appointment to have the ENT use a 'vacuum like apparatus' on my sinuses (oh joy), and the discovery of some lymph node issues that, because Zach likes to use a totally different dictionary than the rest of the normal world, he called 'compelling and possibly key.' In English, though, they were potentially troubling spots that need to be followed up with yet another CT scan and a PET scan. So next week filled up with appointments rather quickly as well, which isn't exactly awesome because I've got other stuff that needs to get accomplished. But we do what we have to, I suppose.
Some of the other stuff I have to get accomplished this week include my last bridesmaid's dress fitting (Tuesday), actually coming up with something for the bachelorette party, probably a lot of cursing at the rest of the bridal party for not actually, you know... helping, and various other wedding related things. Also, the twins are being christened this Sunday, so there's that. And I needed to shop for something, but it's lost in the recesses of my mind at present. OH: and Thursday is Blogging Against Disabilism Day, and I have pledged a post. (And will have to make time to wander the rest of the posts in the days that follow). Then next Saturday is Youngest Nephew's First Communion, as well as his 8th birthday party. Yup: Starting Sunday, the train of days moves quickly for us here at NTE's house ~ in a echo to the clumping phenomenon of the fall & winter, May seems to be jam packed with things this year.
And they're all a little bittersweet, each new milestone or happy occasion that we're observing without Nana. It's tough, but we're hanging in. I'm hanging in. Yesterday's appointment with Zach was difficult, because it was the first time we'd been back to the office since she'd died, and everyone wanted to pass along their condolences, to talk about how nice she was to them, or how much they appreciated my letters after her death. I found myself having to look away from people's eyes, to keep myself from crying. It's been a couple of weeks (since the shower) since I had to do that, which I suppose is a good sign. I just know these next few weeks will be tough, a bunch of firsts and familiars, and yet they'll all be different this time. Hmmm... not what we expected.
But life never is, is it?
So: that's a post chock full of information & random topics... to make up for the past few weeks of nearly nothing. And, if you're lucky, I'll post some pictures later, show you some of the stuff we've been working on for the wedding.
Happy Thursday, all... Miss you!
Medically, things are taking unexpected turns. Well, unexpected for anybody else... just normal "oh my sweet Jesus what now" turns for me. Yesterday's appointment with Zach included blood tests for West Nile Virus, an appointment to have the ENT use a 'vacuum like apparatus' on my sinuses (oh joy), and the discovery of some lymph node issues that, because Zach likes to use a totally different dictionary than the rest of the normal world, he called 'compelling and possibly key.' In English, though, they were potentially troubling spots that need to be followed up with yet another CT scan and a PET scan. So next week filled up with appointments rather quickly as well, which isn't exactly awesome because I've got other stuff that needs to get accomplished. But we do what we have to, I suppose.
Some of the other stuff I have to get accomplished this week include my last bridesmaid's dress fitting (Tuesday), actually coming up with something for the bachelorette party, probably a lot of cursing at the rest of the bridal party for not actually, you know... helping, and various other wedding related things. Also, the twins are being christened this Sunday, so there's that. And I needed to shop for something, but it's lost in the recesses of my mind at present. OH: and Thursday is Blogging Against Disabilism Day, and I have pledged a post. (And will have to make time to wander the rest of the posts in the days that follow). Then next Saturday is Youngest Nephew's First Communion, as well as his 8th birthday party. Yup: Starting Sunday, the train of days moves quickly for us here at NTE's house ~ in a echo to the clumping phenomenon of the fall & winter, May seems to be jam packed with things this year.
And they're all a little bittersweet, each new milestone or happy occasion that we're observing without Nana. It's tough, but we're hanging in. I'm hanging in. Yesterday's appointment with Zach was difficult, because it was the first time we'd been back to the office since she'd died, and everyone wanted to pass along their condolences, to talk about how nice she was to them, or how much they appreciated my letters after her death. I found myself having to look away from people's eyes, to keep myself from crying. It's been a couple of weeks (since the shower) since I had to do that, which I suppose is a good sign. I just know these next few weeks will be tough, a bunch of firsts and familiars, and yet they'll all be different this time. Hmmm... not what we expected.
But life never is, is it?
So: that's a post chock full of information & random topics... to make up for the past few weeks of nearly nothing. And, if you're lucky, I'll post some pictures later, show you some of the stuff we've been working on for the wedding.
Happy Thursday, all... Miss you!
Monday, April 14, 2008
TWO weeks???
Well I took the laptop to the Geek Squad today, and they kept it. I was very sad to let it go (AGAIN!!), but hopefully, it will be a quick repair and then they'll send it back to me all working and spiffy. Since the fan had stopped running at all, I decided all my software improvements (updating the BIOS, for example) were for naught, and brought it to some people who might actually know what they are doing. BUT they said it'd cost money (duh~ of course my warranty expired again in January!) and that it may take 2 weeks to a month (to unscrew the little screws, take out the fan and put in a new fan? Who knows...) So I am stuck trying to finagle some time on the home computer, which means sitting up and all, which I am not particularly good at (something about this posture makes my neck and back start hurting even more quickly), so posting may be scarce. Like it already has been for the past two weeks, when I was hoping for some sort of fan-revival miracle. BUT I do appreciate you all checking in, and I will check in as I can... I may even resort to physically writing out posts and then typing them up, because when I am computer less, I think of a million things to talk about. So, we'll see how it goes.
In other news, yes: the shower was demanding and exhausting, but it was also fun. The wedding is 33 days from today, so all of the last minute type stuff is rushing at us. Like: Finding a bra. Hello? Large chested person? Get a bra that actually fits, will you??? That's Wednesday's mission... I'd rather refuse to accept that particular mission, but we do what we must.
I have my first appt with Zach since Nana died next week (it got rescheduled twice: once by me, once by him), and I'm feeling a little awkward. I'm mostly doing ok with the whole thing, but wonder if seeing him might be a little teary... for me or for mom. Nothing for it though, because I definitely need some better pain management going here... all these extra tasks I'm trying to fit in, and my body is complaining loudly. I had two 10 days last week... it is not something I need to be repeating, that's for sure. Although it did make me realize it's been a while since I've had a five or a six day. Mostly I'm living at 7-9, and that's not a great place to be, I assure you. (Sorry, re-reading that that may make no sense to you: on a 1-10 scale, ten being the highest, rate your pain. That's how the docs always do their evaluations.)
So... recap: laptop-less, but not totally computer-less. Wedding stuff is progressing, and there's a bunch of details to follow through on. Love you guys, and will try to write as often as possible. Pain sucks. The end.
In other news, yes: the shower was demanding and exhausting, but it was also fun. The wedding is 33 days from today, so all of the last minute type stuff is rushing at us. Like: Finding a bra. Hello? Large chested person? Get a bra that actually fits, will you??? That's Wednesday's mission... I'd rather refuse to accept that particular mission, but we do what we must.
I have my first appt with Zach since Nana died next week (it got rescheduled twice: once by me, once by him), and I'm feeling a little awkward. I'm mostly doing ok with the whole thing, but wonder if seeing him might be a little teary... for me or for mom. Nothing for it though, because I definitely need some better pain management going here... all these extra tasks I'm trying to fit in, and my body is complaining loudly. I had two 10 days last week... it is not something I need to be repeating, that's for sure. Although it did make me realize it's been a while since I've had a five or a six day. Mostly I'm living at 7-9, and that's not a great place to be, I assure you. (Sorry, re-reading that that may make no sense to you: on a 1-10 scale, ten being the highest, rate your pain. That's how the docs always do their evaluations.)
So... recap: laptop-less, but not totally computer-less. Wedding stuff is progressing, and there's a bunch of details to follow through on. Love you guys, and will try to write as often as possible. Pain sucks. The end.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Hello My Lovelies!
Laptop is still being uncooperative, but I managed to get back here again, so I thought I'd check in.
I wanted to tell you how the shower went last Saturday, in case you were waiting with baited breath.
Honestly? It went rather well... my co-hostesses were a bit lax in the whole "you have to introduce yourself to people" arena, but other than that, and a mini-post crash, I think things went awesome.
SisterJ and her fiance seemed a little bit surprised (although I'm not entirely sure they were), and most importantly, everybody had fun. So that's good.
How about some photographic proof of said fun? I thought you might like that...
Here we are in the car... I'm taking pictures because we're running late. AGAIN. And I'm trying not to go crazy. (I am an early bird, in a family of never-on-time-s.) That's Sister Y, Oldest Nephew, & Sister Ch...
Lil Girl, hiding for the chance to say 'surprise;'
Here are the soon to be Mr. & Mrs. playing a who knows who best game:
Can you guess who's winning?
Then there were some presents:
We did cake smooshing, because Sister J is VERY MUCH OPPOSED to doing it at the wedding...
Which turns out to be a good thing.
There's a few more still to come, but overall, I thought it went really well! (Note to self, however: if you're planning on playing games, bring pencils. Don't leave them on your desk.)
(You can click on over to my Flickr Stream to see more: if we're not friends, let's be!)
I wanted to tell you how the shower went last Saturday, in case you were waiting with baited breath.
Honestly? It went rather well... my co-hostesses were a bit lax in the whole "you have to introduce yourself to people" arena, but other than that, and a mini-post crash, I think things went awesome.
SisterJ and her fiance seemed a little bit surprised (although I'm not entirely sure they were), and most importantly, everybody had fun. So that's good.
How about some photographic proof of said fun? I thought you might like that...
Here we are in the car... I'm taking pictures because we're running late. AGAIN. And I'm trying not to go crazy. (I am an early bird, in a family of never-on-time-s.) That's Sister Y, Oldest Nephew, & Sister Ch...
Lil Girl, hiding for the chance to say 'surprise;'
Here are the soon to be Mr. & Mrs. playing a who knows who best game:
Can you guess who's winning?
Then there were some presents:
We did cake smooshing, because Sister J is VERY MUCH OPPOSED to doing it at the wedding...
Which turns out to be a good thing.
There's a few more still to come, but overall, I thought it went really well! (Note to self, however: if you're planning on playing games, bring pencils. Don't leave them on your desk.)
(You can click on over to my Flickr Stream to see more: if we're not friends, let's be!)
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Sorry to have disappeared
Hopefully it's a temporary break, but my laptop is ... broken? I don't know what it is ... depressed? It's not working, that's for sure. And I'm recovering from the shower this weekend (it went really well! Yay!) but I had a few minutes, and my parents' computer was free, so here I am to tell you I am missing you all... again... and am going to drag my butt to best buy tomorrow if it kills me. NEED COMPUTER. NOW.
Anyways... Will update ASAP. Love, Me
Anyways... Will update ASAP. Love, Me
Monday, March 31, 2008
I don't think it fits
Here's My Best Shot Monday shot: Youngest Nephew tries on his dad's 1st Communion suit... it's a tad bit small. But I couldn't resist taking the shot anyways... he's too cute!
Now I'm off to check out all the other Shots... Happy week, everybody.
Now I'm off to check out all the other Shots... Happy week, everybody.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Monkeys? Hop on! Ducks? Screw that!
Some stuff came up this week, and the niece of transparency (thank you all for the shutter speed explanations, that's what I was guessing it was too!) wound up having to spend all the days (and a few of the nights) with us.
And, as I am still (41 days later!) hiding out on the couch in my living room, the pain, it is not so much the manageable all the time.
Needless to say, this has cut into my blogging time. But now I am recuperating a bit, and I thought I'd share this IM between me and Sister K, who stopped over to play for an hour or so on Wednesday, during her spring break.
Sister K [10:48 PM]: is tonight the night Lil Girl is sleeping over?
NTE [10:49 PM]: yesh. she is asleep, who knows how long it'll last, but right this second, she's asleep
Sister K [10:50 PM]: :)
SisterK [10:50 PM]: was she good today like yesterday?
NTE [10:51 PM]: she's such a good girl - like 98% of the time. No meltdowns today, just a couple of whininess-ish times
SisterK [10:52 PM]: :) i told everyone who would listen to me about playing play-do and carebears
NTE [10:52 PM]: yeah, we do a lot of that. Every single day.
Sister K [10:53 PM]: i like how she all of a sudden goes, 'WOWWWWWWWW'
NTE [10:54 PM]: today, on the way home, we sang the wheels on the bus. FOREVER. there were dogs, cats, monkeys... all on the bus
NTE [10:54 PM]: trying to keep her awake long enough to drive home was a bit of a challenge
Sister K [10:54 PM]: hahaha
Sister K[10:55 PM]: monkeys on the busss nice
NTE [10:56 PM]: hey: we do what we have to. i was trying to put ducks on the bus and she goes "noooooooooooo" Like "what are you thinking woman?? Ducks? On a bus?? You are crazy!" But monkeys? Sure... hop on!
Sister K[10:56 PM]: hahaha <3
So, just in case you were wondering: No ducks on the bus. Happy Friday, everybody. Thank God it's here.
And, as I am still (41 days later!) hiding out on the couch in my living room, the pain, it is not so much the manageable all the time.
Needless to say, this has cut into my blogging time. But now I am recuperating a bit, and I thought I'd share this IM between me and Sister K, who stopped over to play for an hour or so on Wednesday, during her spring break.
Sister K [10:48 PM]: is tonight the night Lil Girl is sleeping over?
NTE [10:49 PM]: yesh. she is asleep, who knows how long it'll last, but right this second, she's asleep
Sister K [10:50 PM]: :)
SisterK [10:50 PM]: was she good today like yesterday?
NTE [10:51 PM]: she's such a good girl - like 98% of the time. No meltdowns today, just a couple of whininess-ish times
SisterK [10:52 PM]: :) i told everyone who would listen to me about playing play-do and carebears
NTE [10:52 PM]: yeah, we do a lot of that. Every single day.
Sister K [10:53 PM]: i like how she all of a sudden goes, 'WOWWWWWWWW'
NTE [10:54 PM]: today, on the way home, we sang the wheels on the bus. FOREVER. there were dogs, cats, monkeys... all on the bus
NTE [10:54 PM]: trying to keep her awake long enough to drive home was a bit of a challenge
Sister K [10:54 PM]: hahaha
Sister K[10:55 PM]: monkeys on the busss nice
NTE [10:56 PM]: hey: we do what we have to. i was trying to put ducks on the bus and she goes "noooooooooooo" Like "what are you thinking woman?? Ducks? On a bus?? You are crazy!" But monkeys? Sure... hop on!
Sister K[10:56 PM]: hahaha <3
So, just in case you were wondering: No ducks on the bus. Happy Friday, everybody. Thank God it's here.
Monday, March 24, 2008
My Transparent Niece
I know everybody's going to have their Easter pix up today, but my camera is in another room, and the card with the pictures on it is in it. (Imagine that!) I'll try to get a few of those up later in the week. I hope everybody had a wonderful weekend, no matter how they spent it.
In the meantime, take a gander at this one:
I promise you that this is straight out of the camera. I have no idea how it happened: I was playing with F-stops and exposures and .. well, everything, but I was quite surprised to see the resulting photo. Any of you photographically inclined people got any ideas on how this happened? Anyways, it's My Best Shot Monday!
In the meantime, take a gander at this one:
I promise you that this is straight out of the camera. I have no idea how it happened: I was playing with F-stops and exposures and .. well, everything, but I was quite surprised to see the resulting photo. Any of you photographically inclined people got any ideas on how this happened? Anyways, it's My Best Shot Monday!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Everyworry
I nearly just put down the computer and headed towards the kitchen for unnecessary food... (When you have no appetite, you often have to remind yourself to eat at all, but when I'm stressed, I eat no matter that I'm not hungry.) But I've been talking to myself for the past hour about facing my fears instead of distracting myself from them. And so, here I am.
This is one of those times that I'm going to write this whole long (or short) post, get finished, and then have to make the decision whether or not it just goes in the draft folder. Or if I am brave enough to push the post button.
I want you to know that I've appreciated your kindness, your generosity, the fact that you keep coming back to read, to say 'hey,' to check in when most of what you're getting is maudlin and dreary. And most of us are feeling enough of the maudlin and dreary on our own lately, and don't especially need extra. I know that feeling: I've been guilty of clicking on a blog I love, seeing how sad the post is and moving on, because I just... can't. Not on that day. So I understand if you just can't, too. That's ok. I hope you'll keep in touch, keep checking in, stop by when there's something more pleasant on our plate.
But here's the thing: that plate? Is overflowing. With everything and everybody. And everyworry.
At least that's what it feels like a lot of the time. I know I can handle it: I actually feel like I am handling it all pretty well, but I'm just saying: it's a lot.
None of the other problems I/we have been having disappeared when Nana died. Life doesn't work that way. My illness is not on hold because I don't have the energy to deal with it. My brother's relationship to his fiance didn't become all patched up, and his preferred form of dealing with stress (by not dealing with it) hasn't magically transformed either. The premature twins aren't uncolicky, and their mother is still a tad bit overwhelmed and depressed. The housing market isn't exactly friendly, and neither are the PUS. Things that were little got magnified, and things that were eventuallys became nows. It's unfortunate, but it's true.
And there's the grief. The little moments when you pick up the phone to call her for dinner, when you burst into tears because her favorite thing to teach was always the American Revolution, and she's missing a most awesome show? (Seriously, are you watching this show? It's on the HBO... and now I think Abigail Adams is a rockstar!)
I always feel compelled to put all the good things in, when I start a post like this, in the hopes of saying: 'I know it's a lot, but I've also got all of this!' I'm tempted to do that now, but that isn't what I wanted to write about. Check out my other posts from this week, if you're looking for the happiness.
And the happiness, it's here too. It's the complexity of things that's got me all churned up tonight. A night where my brother takes an Ambien and says it's for stress. Where Youngest Sister fills her plate with Harvard-y things, and becomes blind to everything else. Where Grandmother takes longer to recover from a cold than me (heretofore unheard of, I assure you). Where my doctor's appointment gets rescheduled, but I'm out of meds. Where my checking account starts to resemble Al Capone's Vault. Where my laptop's fan insists on making an extra hissing noise for no good reason. Where the Easter Bunny bought double the amount of candy, used to making twice as many baskets (one from us, one from Nana.)
It's a night for feeling overwhelmed, and I'm not going to apologize for it. I apologize too much: two people told me that recently, and I'm afraid they're right, so I'm cutting back.
Feeling everworry is a heavy thing, and sometimes you just need to set the load down for a few minutes. Thanks for letting me.
This is one of those times that I'm going to write this whole long (or short) post, get finished, and then have to make the decision whether or not it just goes in the draft folder. Or if I am brave enough to push the post button.
I want you to know that I've appreciated your kindness, your generosity, the fact that you keep coming back to read, to say 'hey,' to check in when most of what you're getting is maudlin and dreary. And most of us are feeling enough of the maudlin and dreary on our own lately, and don't especially need extra. I know that feeling: I've been guilty of clicking on a blog I love, seeing how sad the post is and moving on, because I just... can't. Not on that day. So I understand if you just can't, too. That's ok. I hope you'll keep in touch, keep checking in, stop by when there's something more pleasant on our plate.
But here's the thing: that plate? Is overflowing. With everything and everybody. And everyworry.
At least that's what it feels like a lot of the time. I know I can handle it: I actually feel like I am handling it all pretty well, but I'm just saying: it's a lot.
None of the other problems I/we have been having disappeared when Nana died. Life doesn't work that way. My illness is not on hold because I don't have the energy to deal with it. My brother's relationship to his fiance didn't become all patched up, and his preferred form of dealing with stress (by not dealing with it) hasn't magically transformed either. The premature twins aren't uncolicky, and their mother is still a tad bit overwhelmed and depressed. The housing market isn't exactly friendly, and neither are the PUS. Things that were little got magnified, and things that were eventuallys became nows. It's unfortunate, but it's true.
And there's the grief. The little moments when you pick up the phone to call her for dinner, when you burst into tears because her favorite thing to teach was always the American Revolution, and she's missing a most awesome show? (Seriously, are you watching this show? It's on the HBO... and now I think Abigail Adams is a rockstar!)
I always feel compelled to put all the good things in, when I start a post like this, in the hopes of saying: 'I know it's a lot, but I've also got all of this!' I'm tempted to do that now, but that isn't what I wanted to write about. Check out my other posts from this week, if you're looking for the happiness.
And the happiness, it's here too. It's the complexity of things that's got me all churned up tonight. A night where my brother takes an Ambien and says it's for stress. Where Youngest Sister fills her plate with Harvard-y things, and becomes blind to everything else. Where Grandmother takes longer to recover from a cold than me (heretofore unheard of, I assure you). Where my doctor's appointment gets rescheduled, but I'm out of meds. Where my checking account starts to resemble Al Capone's Vault. Where my laptop's fan insists on making an extra hissing noise for no good reason. Where the Easter Bunny bought double the amount of candy, used to making twice as many baskets (one from us, one from Nana.)
It's a night for feeling overwhelmed, and I'm not going to apologize for it. I apologize too much: two people told me that recently, and I'm afraid they're right, so I'm cutting back.
Feeling everworry is a heavy thing, and sometimes you just need to set the load down for a few minutes. Thanks for letting me.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Ah, the details...
of being Maid of Honor are many.
But, they're also giving me some place to focus frustratingly unshut-up-able brain cells, so that's a plus.
I thought you might to hear some of the stuff that's buzzing around in my head re: the shower. If only because it's not entirely sad and depressing, which is a change of pace from our recent fare.
First off, here's a (slightly edited) version of our invitation -
Our theme is "a Perfect Pear," but only because I couldn't find any penguins that we could use as favors/centerpieces. (Penguins mate for life, apparently. Or, if they do not, my sister believes that they do, and she and her fiance call each other "Pengy" sometimes. They'd really be quite sickening if I weren't over the moon happy for them.)
Sister Ch scoped out some fabulous (rather large) glass pears at the Christmas Tree Shoppe (nice and cheap), and we're putting in pear jelly beans and a pair of pears, along with a little tag that says "J & K: A perfect pear." (I told you about the sickening sweet, didn't I?)
Things are moving along: the bill & final count is due next week, at the country club we're having the party at. The other bridesmaids voted against me (and SisterCh) and decided that having at a fancier place, but paying for set up and clean up would be better than having it at a less fancy place but having to do more of the work ourselves. Honestly? I didn't really care one way or the other. I just want the day to go well, and feel like if it doesn't, I will feel horrible for having ruined the whole thing. (I'm kinda sad like that: if things go well, I do not exactly rush to take credit, but when they fall apart, I'm right there with my hand held high. What's with that? IDK, but it's probably not for this post, since I promised not to be depressing.
In an effort to fight against that urge, though, I will tell you that I designed the invitation on my own. It's actually pretty easy, since I'm in love with Photoshop, but I still think it came out rather good.)
We're going to have games (although we're not 100% set on which ones yet), and cake smooshing, which I think is rather sensible, since Sister J is dead set against it at the wedding (what with the money she'll have spent on her hair and makeup), and Fiance is very much for it. I figure giving him his shot at smooshing cake in her face is a fabulous way to make sure he has a good time, anyways. And she won't care, because she's not like that, ordinarily.
Here's some of the info I just sent out to the other girls, to give 'em a nudge.
Hi! I just looked at the calendar just now, and noticed that the shower is.. you know two weeks from Saturday. Hello: time is moving too quickly!
I am going to order the favors this weekend, but we're up to 40 something right now, and there's only a few question marks, so we'll definitely come in under 60 people, so that's good.
We have to order the food next week (once we have the final count), as well as a cake (for smooshing & eating purposes), and then the total bill will be due right before the party.
Then I talked a lot of "show me the money," which I expect to be an issue. Because it always is. And these are my sisters I am talking about.
These are the favors we decided on for the wedding, though: how cute are they? And also? Because they're usable (everybody uses magnets!) they're much less likely to wind up in the trash or in the back of someone's closet. Mum has started packing up some of the stuff we almost never use, even though we aren't moving anytime soon, and unearthed a rather large collection of shower/party related ephemera that made me realize that a lot of this stuff is just more junk. People don't want more junk, but they do want something, so I thought this would be good.
So that's the latest from shower central: What's news or exciting where y'all are?
But, they're also giving me some place to focus frustratingly unshut-up-able brain cells, so that's a plus.
I thought you might to hear some of the stuff that's buzzing around in my head re: the shower. If only because it's not entirely sad and depressing, which is a change of pace from our recent fare.
First off, here's a (slightly edited) version of our invitation -
Our theme is "a Perfect Pear," but only because I couldn't find any penguins that we could use as favors/centerpieces. (Penguins mate for life, apparently. Or, if they do not, my sister believes that they do, and she and her fiance call each other "Pengy" sometimes. They'd really be quite sickening if I weren't over the moon happy for them.)
Sister Ch scoped out some fabulous (rather large) glass pears at the Christmas Tree Shoppe (nice and cheap), and we're putting in pear jelly beans and a pair of pears, along with a little tag that says "J & K: A perfect pear." (I told you about the sickening sweet, didn't I?)
Things are moving along: the bill & final count is due next week, at the country club we're having the party at. The other bridesmaids voted against me (and SisterCh) and decided that having at a fancier place, but paying for set up and clean up would be better than having it at a less fancy place but having to do more of the work ourselves. Honestly? I didn't really care one way or the other. I just want the day to go well, and feel like if it doesn't, I will feel horrible for having ruined the whole thing. (I'm kinda sad like that: if things go well, I do not exactly rush to take credit, but when they fall apart, I'm right there with my hand held high. What's with that? IDK, but it's probably not for this post, since I promised not to be depressing.
In an effort to fight against that urge, though, I will tell you that I designed the invitation on my own. It's actually pretty easy, since I'm in love with Photoshop, but I still think it came out rather good.)
We're going to have games (although we're not 100% set on which ones yet), and cake smooshing, which I think is rather sensible, since Sister J is dead set against it at the wedding (what with the money she'll have spent on her hair and makeup), and Fiance is very much for it. I figure giving him his shot at smooshing cake in her face is a fabulous way to make sure he has a good time, anyways. And she won't care, because she's not like that, ordinarily.
Here's some of the info I just sent out to the other girls, to give 'em a nudge.
Hi! I just looked at the calendar just now, and noticed that the shower is.. you know two weeks from Saturday. Hello: time is moving too quickly!
I am going to order the favors this weekend, but we're up to 40 something right now, and there's only a few question marks, so we'll definitely come in under 60 people, so that's good.
We have to order the food next week (once we have the final count), as well as a cake (for smooshing & eating purposes), and then the total bill will be due right before the party.
Then I talked a lot of "show me the money," which I expect to be an issue. Because it always is. And these are my sisters I am talking about.
These are the favors we decided on for the wedding, though: how cute are they? And also? Because they're usable (everybody uses magnets!) they're much less likely to wind up in the trash or in the back of someone's closet. Mum has started packing up some of the stuff we almost never use, even though we aren't moving anytime soon, and unearthed a rather large collection of shower/party related ephemera that made me realize that a lot of this stuff is just more junk. People don't want more junk, but they do want something, so I thought this would be good.
So that's the latest from shower central: What's news or exciting where y'all are?
Monday, March 17, 2008
Tatooed Bride
I'm finally feeling up to a little My Best Shot Monday, and, since I spent hours and hours yesterday printing and then assembling wedding invitations (which I will hopefully post later this week), I thought I'd give you all a little gilmpse of Sister J - the Bride.
Two months from today, my sister will be a Mrs. It's pretty astounding, and I just couldn't be happier for her. (For all the drama and the craziness and all that... to have her be happy? Especially after our past 6 months or so? Too, too amazing.)
So: Here's My Best Shot Monday picture. You can head on over to Mother May I to catch some more glimpses.
Two months from today, my sister will be a Mrs. It's pretty astounding, and I just couldn't be happier for her. (For all the drama and the craziness and all that... to have her be happy? Especially after our past 6 months or so? Too, too amazing.)
So: Here's My Best Shot Monday picture. You can head on over to Mother May I to catch some more glimpses.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Messin with your math since 2005!
Sometimes I wonder what people think I must when they check their feedreaders, and I've been on their site.
Because, if I find something I want to comment on, but can't immediately think of what I want to say (like on this post), then I shrink it down, and let it simmer for a while in my brain.
And, by a while, I mean... sometimes three days. I think that's the record, anyways.
There are lots of reasons I do this: If a post is out of control funny, or too emotional to read in one sitting. Or if it's so powerful that I want to sip it rather than gulp, I just keep maximizing and minimizing it until I'm ready to move on.
It happens a lot: The talent out there in the world o' blogs is immense, people. I'm very often humbled by the words I see on my screen.
But still... I must really screw up people's statistics. So I thought I'd just offer this explanation: I'm not exactly a stalker. Really. I just... need to process a bit.
Sorry about your graphs, but I think you'll understand.
Because, if I find something I want to comment on, but can't immediately think of what I want to say (like on this post), then I shrink it down, and let it simmer for a while in my brain.
And, by a while, I mean... sometimes three days. I think that's the record, anyways.
There are lots of reasons I do this: If a post is out of control funny, or too emotional to read in one sitting. Or if it's so powerful that I want to sip it rather than gulp, I just keep maximizing and minimizing it until I'm ready to move on.
It happens a lot: The talent out there in the world o' blogs is immense, people. I'm very often humbled by the words I see on my screen.
But still... I must really screw up people's statistics. So I thought I'd just offer this explanation: I'm not exactly a stalker. Really. I just... need to process a bit.
Sorry about your graphs, but I think you'll understand.
Friday, March 14, 2008
How to feel semi-human
Take a shower. Seriously, if I told you how long it had been since I had a real shower, you would stop hanging out with me. I got washed and everything, but the grease in my hair could probably have been mined. (I might've been rich! What was I thinking, getting rid of it? Also, is it mining when it's oil? It's something... crap, not as human as I'd like to be apparently.)
And then I had a nice shower coma, even if it was in the parlor.
And now I'm going to eat food, take pills, and attack a list. It better beware! LISTS: BE WARNED!
And then I had a nice shower coma, even if it was in the parlor.
And now I'm going to eat food, take pills, and attack a list. It better beware! LISTS: BE WARNED!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I know there are times that I have felt less like posting, but I must be blocking them out, because they were so horrid.
In point of fact, I have missed you all, but when you have the walking pneumonia, the tonsils the size of baby turtles, the sinus infection that will. not. die. And you add all of those things onto the fact that I was in exile because of the PUS and therefore not at least miserable and at home, well, you might say that I just didn't quite get around to saying all the things I've had to say.
Or, that I said them, but because they were covered in mucus, I thought it best not to share them with all of you.
You're welcome.
I am much improved (well, much improved for me anyways), and my nearly three weeks of exile has come to a semi-end. I am home again, just stuck in our own parlor, as the painting that was supposed to take place on the porch (above and behind my bedroom) actually wound up taking place in the hallway (directly above my bedroom) and my room still smells like paint.
You can just imagine, I am sure, the cheery, happy, mucus-covered thoughts I have been directing towards the PUS. Ahhh... if only thoughts could kill. Or maim. I'd settle for maiming.
Our couch, at the very least, is in closer proximity to my millions of lists of things that still need to get done. Not that I am really accomplishing any of them (certain blog friends who have birthdays this week may want to wait awhile before checking the mail for their cards, for example), but I'm physically closer to them, and that's a start.
Isn't it?
Meanwhile, I have been catching up with all of you... and if any of you are catching up here: Hallo! It is the middle of March! Already! And there's a wedding shower I'm supposed to throw in three weeks! Would you kindly tell me why nobody knows what RSVP means anymore????
Wasn't that a nice welcome back?
:)
In point of fact, I have missed you all, but when you have the walking pneumonia, the tonsils the size of baby turtles, the sinus infection that will. not. die. And you add all of those things onto the fact that I was in exile because of the PUS and therefore not at least miserable and at home, well, you might say that I just didn't quite get around to saying all the things I've had to say.
Or, that I said them, but because they were covered in mucus, I thought it best not to share them with all of you.
You're welcome.
I am much improved (well, much improved for me anyways), and my nearly three weeks of exile has come to a semi-end. I am home again, just stuck in our own parlor, as the painting that was supposed to take place on the porch (above and behind my bedroom) actually wound up taking place in the hallway (directly above my bedroom) and my room still smells like paint.
You can just imagine, I am sure, the cheery, happy, mucus-covered thoughts I have been directing towards the PUS. Ahhh... if only thoughts could kill. Or maim. I'd settle for maiming.
Our couch, at the very least, is in closer proximity to my millions of lists of things that still need to get done. Not that I am really accomplishing any of them (certain blog friends who have birthdays this week may want to wait awhile before checking the mail for their cards, for example), but I'm physically closer to them, and that's a start.
Isn't it?
Meanwhile, I have been catching up with all of you... and if any of you are catching up here: Hallo! It is the middle of March! Already! And there's a wedding shower I'm supposed to throw in three weeks! Would you kindly tell me why nobody knows what RSVP means anymore????
Wasn't that a nice welcome back?
:)
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
I am so over it
What, exactly?
Everything.
Mhmm. The dramas, the sickness, the sadness, the PUS poisoning me; thank you cards, invitations, and RSVPs; food that I'm not hungry for, naps I want to take but can't,coughing; sick grandmothers and missing nanas; political 'news,' cold sores, lawyers. I'm sick of it all.
And so, today? I'm just going to forget about as much as I can. Lose myself in some rereads, and float far far away. (or, long, long ago, as the case may be: I'm off to England with the Bridgertons. Their drama I can handle.)
Everything.
Mhmm. The dramas, the sickness, the sadness, the PUS poisoning me; thank you cards, invitations, and RSVPs; food that I'm not hungry for, naps I want to take but can't,coughing; sick grandmothers and missing nanas; political 'news,' cold sores, lawyers. I'm sick of it all.
And so, today? I'm just going to forget about as much as I can. Lose myself in some rereads, and float far far away. (or, long, long ago, as the case may be: I'm off to England with the Bridgertons. Their drama I can handle.)
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Thanks for stopping by
According to my sitemeter, the two most popular search queries that lead people to this here blog are "easiest ways to kill yourself" and "L is for the way you look at me."
If you got here through that first search, I just want to say this:
I know.
You're sure that I don't, but I do. I know the fear that this is all there will ever be, this pain, this mess, this struggle. And the way your tired brain makes you feel like this is the only option left to you.
It's not.
I promise.
And getting help, from places like this or this or this, will wind up being less scary than you thought.
Although it's grim, and most likely not what I should be saying, here's a thought that helped me through: I could always do it tomorrow. When I was at my lowest low, and the only things that really stopped me were the idea of someone in my family having to find my body or how Youngest Nephew wouldn't even remember me, the thought that helped me the most was 'if not today, then tomorrow.' And I kept saying that to myself, along with a running list of the things I would miss out on if I weren't here. Until there came a day, just a random day, when the list of things I would miss started to weigh more, to mean more, than the idea that I could end this whole thing anytime I wanted.
My circumstances have seemingly changed very little between my time in the pit and now - in a lot of ways I'm worse off: I'm sicker now than I was then. And I've got all the years between of being not just sick but disabled, not just being unable to work, but being unemployed and having to move home, not just single, but single while all of my friends - even my family - are married and having babies. I've lost a lot of close family members between then and now. Those are all tough things, all really hard things. Sometimes they seem impossible to live with. But I do, I can.
Because I'm not stuck in a depression, not mired in the middle of a molasses-y black hole, where all I am able to do is think about how I'm stuck and the impossibility of ever becoming unstuck.
I don't know how, exactly, I climbed out of it. I was so afraid to say I was depressed because for years, doctors had been telling me that I wasn't sick, I was really depressed, and I should just take an antidepressant and get on with it already. But depression, to the best of my knowledge, doesn't cause 104 degree fevers, doesn't weaken your muscle tone and decimate your immune system. It can't make your tonsils swell up to the size of those baby turtles you used to see in cartoons, can't give you bronchitis, pneumonia, or asthma. I knew that I wasn't depressed when I first got sick - if anything I was on a high - and I knew that the three psych drs I'd seen since then had not only ruled out depression as the cause of my ailments, but one had gone so far as to call my doc at the time 'a stunning fool' for having even suggested it.
So while I knew that my depression wasn't the cause of my illness, having it as a symptom was just as troubling. I was about 6 years into being sick; I had developed asthma that spring, spent the summer roasting and the fall struggling to make it through a very tough internship with a supervisor who told me I would "never become a teacher." I got sick again and again as the kids so kindly shared their every germ with me. My beloved uncle died, and I was to sick to drive down for his funeral. Things kept piling up, heavier and heavier.
It was like being in a snowstorm, and seeing all that snow coming down. You see the coating that comes and try to sweep it away, but it's too heavy for the broom you've brought. And while you were gone, looking for a shovel, the snow has gotten deeper and heavier. You try to shovel, but the snow is coming too quick. And by now you're very, very tired. So you walk away for a while, figuring to just let it sit, wait for the flurry to pass, and then you'll deal with it. But the flurry turns into a full blown storm, and the pile keeps mounting, it multiplies. You try to tackle at least one path, so you can get out, but every time you think it's clear, the storm starts up again. Exhausted, you retreat to watch the snow from the window, amazed at how quickly it piles up. You start thinking that the blizzard will never end, that you'll never be able to clear that much snow out of your way. You're stuck where you are - it might just as well have been an avalanche, for all that you don't have the strength to plow your way through what's there. And then it starts to seem reasonable that you would just go out there and lie down in it, let it cover you up, cold and numbing, until you didn't have to worry about it, suffer through it, anymore.
I wish I could say that the sun came out and melted all the snow away, but it's mostly still there. I've just managed to shovel out a lot of paths, to find safe places to hole up when the storms are strongest. For some people the path out is meds: I tried a few and found they were no real help to me (surprise, surprise: meds not working for NTE? Shocker.) Exercise helps, even the gentle stretching I'm sometimes capable of doing makes me feel peaceful.
For me, the best path was people: I'd been isolating myself, more and more, little by little. And the CFIDS/FM had already done a pretty good job of cutting me off from most people, so it was shockingly easy. I stopped calling home so often, I shared less with my Roommate/Best Friend. Kept things that were bothering me a secret, ashamed of what the people I had left - the people who were closest - would think.
It was dumb, and Roommate/Best Friend told me so, right to my face. She snuck her way back in, somehow, and wouldn't let me close the door. At home, Mum did the same. Wormed and wiggled their way back in until I could see that I didn't have to do this whole thing by myself. That there were people in my life who would be just as outraged as I was that a person who was supposed to help was so cruel to me (Roommate/Best Fried immediately began calling her Bitch Lady, as in "Bitch Lady left a message on the machine"), who would be just as scared as I was over the fact that my liver was malfunctioning, that it might, in fact be shutting down.
Once I realized that I didn't have to do it alone, I realized that I could do it. It was never easy - it still isn't easy. (An easy way to tell that would be to look at the name of this blog.)
But it's worth it - I may be sicker and older and sometimes feel more stuck than every, but I'm also so much better off in a lot of ways: I've watched Youngest Nephew grow from baby to boy, had a hand in his raising, and feel pride at how far he's come. Lil Girl wasn't even a vague idea at the time suicide was uppermost in my mind, and now she's what's uppermost in my mind a lot of the time. I've got a lot of honorary nephews and nieces to spoil, and can see that Oldest Nephew is going to be taller than his mother in a matter of months. I've spent time with the people who mean the most to me, shared moments of unspeakable sadness and unbearable joy. I've started this blog and 'met' some of the most thoughtful, caring, individual people I've ever known, all the while being able to work hard at writing true, to document some parts of my life and say: this is me, take it or leave it. To know that people get it. To have seen my illnesses go from fringe and crazy to less fringe and suddenly researchable. To be able to hope that someday they'll figure this shit out.
There's a lot of times, especially recent times, when I see the snow start to come down and I wonder, do I have the strength to shovel out this time? What if I don't, what if I get stuck again? And the best part is that now I know enough to think that if that happens, someone will come for me in their snowmobile, at break neck speeds if necessary. All I have to do is ask.
So, if the Google has brought you here in search of easiest ways to kill yourself, I hope instead that you'll consider this a shovel, a snow plow, hell, even one of those tiny gardening spades. There are people outside of the storm who can help you, you just have to let them know you need the help.
Oh, and if you want to see some of my shovels, click that second link up there: L. O. V. E.
If you got here through that first search, I just want to say this:
I know.
You're sure that I don't, but I do. I know the fear that this is all there will ever be, this pain, this mess, this struggle. And the way your tired brain makes you feel like this is the only option left to you.
It's not.
I promise.
And getting help, from places like this or this or this, will wind up being less scary than you thought.
Although it's grim, and most likely not what I should be saying, here's a thought that helped me through: I could always do it tomorrow. When I was at my lowest low, and the only things that really stopped me were the idea of someone in my family having to find my body or how Youngest Nephew wouldn't even remember me, the thought that helped me the most was 'if not today, then tomorrow.' And I kept saying that to myself, along with a running list of the things I would miss out on if I weren't here. Until there came a day, just a random day, when the list of things I would miss started to weigh more, to mean more, than the idea that I could end this whole thing anytime I wanted.
My circumstances have seemingly changed very little between my time in the pit and now - in a lot of ways I'm worse off: I'm sicker now than I was then. And I've got all the years between of being not just sick but disabled, not just being unable to work, but being unemployed and having to move home, not just single, but single while all of my friends - even my family - are married and having babies. I've lost a lot of close family members between then and now. Those are all tough things, all really hard things. Sometimes they seem impossible to live with. But I do, I can.
Because I'm not stuck in a depression, not mired in the middle of a molasses-y black hole, where all I am able to do is think about how I'm stuck and the impossibility of ever becoming unstuck.
I don't know how, exactly, I climbed out of it. I was so afraid to say I was depressed because for years, doctors had been telling me that I wasn't sick, I was really depressed, and I should just take an antidepressant and get on with it already. But depression, to the best of my knowledge, doesn't cause 104 degree fevers, doesn't weaken your muscle tone and decimate your immune system. It can't make your tonsils swell up to the size of those baby turtles you used to see in cartoons, can't give you bronchitis, pneumonia, or asthma. I knew that I wasn't depressed when I first got sick - if anything I was on a high - and I knew that the three psych drs I'd seen since then had not only ruled out depression as the cause of my ailments, but one had gone so far as to call my doc at the time 'a stunning fool' for having even suggested it.
So while I knew that my depression wasn't the cause of my illness, having it as a symptom was just as troubling. I was about 6 years into being sick; I had developed asthma that spring, spent the summer roasting and the fall struggling to make it through a very tough internship with a supervisor who told me I would "never become a teacher." I got sick again and again as the kids so kindly shared their every germ with me. My beloved uncle died, and I was to sick to drive down for his funeral. Things kept piling up, heavier and heavier.
It was like being in a snowstorm, and seeing all that snow coming down. You see the coating that comes and try to sweep it away, but it's too heavy for the broom you've brought. And while you were gone, looking for a shovel, the snow has gotten deeper and heavier. You try to shovel, but the snow is coming too quick. And by now you're very, very tired. So you walk away for a while, figuring to just let it sit, wait for the flurry to pass, and then you'll deal with it. But the flurry turns into a full blown storm, and the pile keeps mounting, it multiplies. You try to tackle at least one path, so you can get out, but every time you think it's clear, the storm starts up again. Exhausted, you retreat to watch the snow from the window, amazed at how quickly it piles up. You start thinking that the blizzard will never end, that you'll never be able to clear that much snow out of your way. You're stuck where you are - it might just as well have been an avalanche, for all that you don't have the strength to plow your way through what's there. And then it starts to seem reasonable that you would just go out there and lie down in it, let it cover you up, cold and numbing, until you didn't have to worry about it, suffer through it, anymore.
I wish I could say that the sun came out and melted all the snow away, but it's mostly still there. I've just managed to shovel out a lot of paths, to find safe places to hole up when the storms are strongest. For some people the path out is meds: I tried a few and found they were no real help to me (surprise, surprise: meds not working for NTE? Shocker.) Exercise helps, even the gentle stretching I'm sometimes capable of doing makes me feel peaceful.
For me, the best path was people: I'd been isolating myself, more and more, little by little. And the CFIDS/FM had already done a pretty good job of cutting me off from most people, so it was shockingly easy. I stopped calling home so often, I shared less with my Roommate/Best Friend. Kept things that were bothering me a secret, ashamed of what the people I had left - the people who were closest - would think.
It was dumb, and Roommate/Best Friend told me so, right to my face. She snuck her way back in, somehow, and wouldn't let me close the door. At home, Mum did the same. Wormed and wiggled their way back in until I could see that I didn't have to do this whole thing by myself. That there were people in my life who would be just as outraged as I was that a person who was supposed to help was so cruel to me (Roommate/Best Fried immediately began calling her Bitch Lady, as in "Bitch Lady left a message on the machine"), who would be just as scared as I was over the fact that my liver was malfunctioning, that it might, in fact be shutting down.
Once I realized that I didn't have to do it alone, I realized that I could do it. It was never easy - it still isn't easy. (An easy way to tell that would be to look at the name of this blog.)
But it's worth it - I may be sicker and older and sometimes feel more stuck than every, but I'm also so much better off in a lot of ways: I've watched Youngest Nephew grow from baby to boy, had a hand in his raising, and feel pride at how far he's come. Lil Girl wasn't even a vague idea at the time suicide was uppermost in my mind, and now she's what's uppermost in my mind a lot of the time. I've got a lot of honorary nephews and nieces to spoil, and can see that Oldest Nephew is going to be taller than his mother in a matter of months. I've spent time with the people who mean the most to me, shared moments of unspeakable sadness and unbearable joy. I've started this blog and 'met' some of the most thoughtful, caring, individual people I've ever known, all the while being able to work hard at writing true, to document some parts of my life and say: this is me, take it or leave it. To know that people get it. To have seen my illnesses go from fringe and crazy to less fringe and suddenly researchable. To be able to hope that someday they'll figure this shit out.
There's a lot of times, especially recent times, when I see the snow start to come down and I wonder, do I have the strength to shovel out this time? What if I don't, what if I get stuck again? And the best part is that now I know enough to think that if that happens, someone will come for me in their snowmobile, at break neck speeds if necessary. All I have to do is ask.
So, if the Google has brought you here in search of easiest ways to kill yourself, I hope instead that you'll consider this a shovel, a snow plow, hell, even one of those tiny gardening spades. There are people outside of the storm who can help you, you just have to let them know you need the help.
Oh, and if you want to see some of my shovels, click that second link up there: L. O. V. E.
Friday, February 29, 2008
At the restaurant after Nana's funeral, Big/Only Brother and I were left alone, waiting for Mum to bring the car around. It was just the two of us and a waitress, hustling through trying to clean up the debris us grieving people had left behind. (PS: Grieving people apparently eat a lot.) He sat the wrong way in one of those restaurant booths, I was in my chair across from him, making the wheelchair rock the way I do when I am upset.
I asked how he was doing, he asked how I was doing. It was one of those times when it just seems as if the whole thing is too much. I was in so much physical pain, from pushing to be able to do all the things that were required of me, and so much emotional pain, that I could feel only relief that it was over. That there were no more "have to-s" on my list, even if only for that day.
He looked much the same, exhausted, crushed and confused. There were other things that happened then that I am not ready to talk about, but there was a moment when we were sitting there by ourselves that stands out so clearly in my mind. He asked me what I thought: "Do you think she's gone, that this is the end?"
And I told him: "I don't know. I don't know for sure if there's anything that comes next, and that bothers me deep down in my analytical, must know all the ins-and-outs of everything soul. It's one of those things I've studied to death. Back and forth and forth and back: religiously, psychologically, intuitively, factually.
And I've still come up with no answers.
But I know that it makes me feel better to believe that she's someplace else, someplace better. Buying Papa that drink and taking Maryellen to task for leaving without her. Watching over us and crying with us because we're so sad. And I don't care if that is just my subconscious trying to deceive me. If it wants to help me feel better, even just a little better, then I'm going to let it. What does it matter if it's true or not, if it feels true?"
He looked surprised, then laughed and gave me a kiss. We moved towards the door & mum's car and I asked him what he believed. And he said: "Up till a few minutes ago I had no idea."
Inspired by this post by Sweet & Salty.
I asked how he was doing, he asked how I was doing. It was one of those times when it just seems as if the whole thing is too much. I was in so much physical pain, from pushing to be able to do all the things that were required of me, and so much emotional pain, that I could feel only relief that it was over. That there were no more "have to-s" on my list, even if only for that day.
He looked much the same, exhausted, crushed and confused. There were other things that happened then that I am not ready to talk about, but there was a moment when we were sitting there by ourselves that stands out so clearly in my mind. He asked me what I thought: "Do you think she's gone, that this is the end?"
And I told him: "I don't know. I don't know for sure if there's anything that comes next, and that bothers me deep down in my analytical, must know all the ins-and-outs of everything soul. It's one of those things I've studied to death. Back and forth and forth and back: religiously, psychologically, intuitively, factually.
And I've still come up with no answers.
But I know that it makes me feel better to believe that she's someplace else, someplace better. Buying Papa that drink and taking Maryellen to task for leaving without her. Watching over us and crying with us because we're so sad. And I don't care if that is just my subconscious trying to deceive me. If it wants to help me feel better, even just a little better, then I'm going to let it. What does it matter if it's true or not, if it feels true?"
He looked surprised, then laughed and gave me a kiss. We moved towards the door & mum's car and I asked him what he believed. And he said: "Up till a few minutes ago I had no idea."
Inspired by this post by Sweet & Salty.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Some laughing links to share:
If I have to explain to you why this is one of the funniest things ever, then I'm not really sure how you got here: God, how I hate that stupid Castle Toad! It's not just about the toad, though: Heather! Anne! nails all 5 as she reminds us all that sometimes being alone on a deserted island is preferable.
Also, you should head on over to Jennie's! place, and see how many times you can say "That's what she said" while you're reading.
Cuz anything that makes me laugh today, is worth it's weight in gold. Or finger sandwiches. Or meat. Either way.
Also, if you're into that kind of thing (which I usually am not), may I suggest you head on over to YouTube and see what Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Matt Damon & Ben Affleck are up to? Crude, senseless, totally shouldn't be funny. But I laughed. A lot. Out loud at one point. If you want, go see if it makes you chuckle too.
Also, you should head on over to Jennie's! place, and see how many times you can say "That's what she said" while you're reading.
Cuz anything that makes me laugh today, is worth it's weight in gold. Or finger sandwiches. Or meat. Either way.
Also, if you're into that kind of thing (which I usually am not), may I suggest you head on over to YouTube and see what Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Matt Damon & Ben Affleck are up to? Crude, senseless, totally shouldn't be funny. But I laughed. A lot. Out loud at one point. If you want, go see if it makes you chuckle too.
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