Of course,

after yesterday's post, about how my computer was fine, it shut down, unexpectedly (and for no. good. reason.) twice today. So instead of the long rambling post I was working on, you're going to get this (2?3?5?) sentences paragraph that I am hustling out to you before the whole thing collapses again. I am hoping it just got overheated... that happens sometimes, and maybe that's what it was. But I can't push my luck here, as far as NaBloPoMo goes.

Hip Hip... Boo.

My poor, 4.5 year old computer has been running so obscenely slow lately, and I didn't exactly know why. Ok: That's not entirely true... I did know that there were a lot of pictures on here. When I packed up all my stuff in April (and still have yet to unpack a good 3/4 of it), I loaded a bunch of pictures on here beforehand.. a lot as in, about 20 years worth of scanned pictures, to share with Grandmother. And since then, I've taken about 1500 more (a lot of them horribly atrocious, but I don't delete. WHY don't I delete? I have no idea.) Usually, I upload them to my computer, then onto a DVD & my back up drive, and then erase them off the main drive. But lately, between feeling like crap, and having a million of things that I have to do (like unpack that remaining 3/4 of a life; start/finish people's birthday presents/christening presents from 2 years ago, etc), the backing up of something that is already sort of done has just not happened.

This picture is a screenshot breakdown of my computer files, and I think it does a pretty good job of showing why my computer is running so slowly: All that blue? Those are pictures. They take up an outrageously large portion of my hard drive, (87.3 GB out of 1 MB - Full of pictures) and it's a wonder I can get anything accomplished at all on here. The next largest chunk of color - those reds? That's my music library. Which also needs intense whittling.

I am not sure if I am glad about this news or not: On the one hand, I had been thinking I would have to buy a new computer soon, because it takes me 45 minutes to get Firefox to load and makes me want to cry. So realizing that all I really need to do is sit my butt down and get some stuff deleted is great, because I can't really afford a new computer. But it also kind of sucks because A) I don't want to do a lot of boring erasing and B) I would, in fact, like a new computer. But I am also very cheap/poor, and I know I won't buy it if it can be put off. Which, apparently, if I actually do the work, it can be.

So hooray for figuring out what the hell is wrong, but boo for actually having to fix it, basically.

Halloween Best Shots

I'm assuming that the majority of today's MBSM will be Halloween related, and I am so excited ~ I love to see all the costumes!

As for our Halloween, Lil Girl and Youngest Nephew came over early and spent the day hanging out with us... I miss spending time with Youngest Nephew now that school has started back up, and was so glad to see him. His sister was in a pretty nasty mood for part of the day (Sharing; what's that? Standing still so that Auntie can get a good picture: Que es esta?), and nobody understood my costume at all (Oracle; but nobody knows who the heck she is), but the majority of the day went well, nonetheless.




Youngest Nephew wasn't feeling particularly inspired this year, and wore his Army man costume from last year (and the year before), but with additional weaponry (yippee). Lil Girl was going to be a cat; then she wanted to be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz (because it came with a little stuffed dog), but while we were at the store, she saw this Dora the Explorer costume and decided she had to be Dora - because of Backpack (who she calls "Pack Back") - Lil Girl is all about the accessories. (There were a lot of comments in our family, about her being a little blond Dora, but I thought she looked adorable... I do wonder how many people she had to explain the costume to, though.)

We had more trick or treaters this year, in our new house, than I've had in the past 5 years at the old house, and were lucky enough that we had a bunch of older candy hiding in the cupboard, or else we would have run out of candy before 7 o'clock.

Now I'm off to see what everybody else did this weekend!

It's November...

And we all know what that means: It's NaBloPoMo again!

It's time for an overflow in Google Readers, an influx of random postings, an avalanche of "what the hell do I write now"s!

I'm actually excited to be participating in my fourth annual NaBloPoMo, because I have a million half-posts which have been brewing in my brain (and in the draft folder) for too long, and for the sake of actually finishing them, having a deadline is probably a good thing. Which means you'll finally get my post on the new XMRV findings, a few posts about ableism that I've been trying to hammer out the details on, some of my thoughts on the blogosphere, more than a couple of posts with some pictures, and probably a ton of quotes, because that's the kind of mood I've been in lately.

And I'm going to do my best to comment (at least) once a day too, this month, giving myself a new goal to meet. I feel like I've been reading so many good posts, and then clicking away without saying anything. Mostly because it feels like all I have to say is "Me too" or "Totally THIS.", and those feel inadequate to me. But following a recent discussion with a fellow blogger, I realize that when I get those comments, they mean the world to me, so leaving them is worthwhile, even if it doesn't feel like it.

So there we go: Two goals, thirty days, and a blogger who feels like setting goals might be akin to tempting fate, but is going to do it anyways.

Deep breaths, everybody; deep breaths.

"Has anybody seen my tambourine?"

Tim Curry is Halloween.

A lot of people have Halloween traditions that revolve around The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I don't think I've ever even seen the whole thing. For me, Tim Curry has some films in his reperitoire that are quite a bit scarier:

Between It, which basically ruined my sister's childhood & ability to go to birthday parties without melting down (and which, sorry SisterJ, they are remaking :yay!) and my favorite nonsensical Halloween 80's throwback treat, The Worst Witch, there is plenty of proof that Tim Curry is an excellent actor, appropriately cheesy, and just a creepy, creepy guy.

Evidence: He hates orphans; he wanted the rainforest destroyed; he ruined the word "poppet" for me; he plotted to kill a king; and he did it all with a smarmy, oil-slick sneer. He can be funny, could be charming - No: he is charming - but at the same time, you can't kind of tell he wants to rip you to pieces as soon as you aren't paying enough attention.
This is a guy who just can't help it: He's creepy in two Christmas movies... and a Muppet movie, for goodness sake. So here's a little Tim Curry to get you in the Halloween Spirit:

15 years and counting...

I turned 30 earlier this year, and, in the months leading up to that day, I was getting a whole lot of "Is turning thirty going to bother you?" "Do you think you're going to freak out?" "Does being 30 make you feel OLD?" type questions. I didn't think 30 was anything to freak out over, and told people so, even if I don't think of the number as having any actual relation to my life. (If you're going by how I feel I might as well be 97 right now, physically, and about 12, on a good day, emotionally.) But there is something about turning thirty that I knew was going to really mess me up, and that is that it marks a different sort of milestone for me: I have now been sick longer than I have been ill.

The last day I remember being well was October 20, 1994: Fifteen years ago. I have now been living with chronic illness for exactly 1/2 of my life. And that is a heavy, heavy thing.

It shouldn't be, probably: It's certainly no surprise, at this point, to realize that my illnesses aren't going anywhere. For the first few months, and even the first couple of years, there was the constant thought that "I could wake up better tomorrow" just as suddenly as I had woken up devastatingly ill that first morning. As time went by, and test after test would come back screwed up (but not treatable) and doctor after doctor stopped treating anything except the active infections (rather than the underlying whatever-the-hell-is-causing-this), it got harder and harder to believe that one day I'd just wake up better. One thing snowballed into another, relapse ran into relapse, sleep problems followed pain problems followed breathing problems followed energy problems, and the cycle just seemed inescapable. (It still seems pretty inescapable.)

And to know that there is no end in sight, that these 15 years are probably just the beginning of a really long haul (if I am lucky), that's a hard pill to swallow as well.

But here's another thing I've been thinking about: There were also numerous times where I figured, "I'm just going to die from this... I can't survive this time." (I still have those times, too.) And if I look at it that way, if I look at the past fifteen years and think - "Well, I've survived this for half my life. I've coped as best I could, and survived a lot of things I didn't think it was possible to survive. And I am still here" - then it's not quite as hard to swallow, I think. Seeing myself as a survivor, rather than a sufferer is one of the many distinctions about my identity I have had to make over the years, and it's one of the hardest to hold on to.

Here's the thing, I'm a woman with a disability: I have now been disabled half my life, and I am so proud of the ways in which I have met the challenges of my disability, in the ways I've cobbled together an identity from the bits and pieces of myself that were left over and the new ones I discovered along the way. In that way, I figure that I am no different from anybody else: Everyone - disabled or temporarily able bodied - spends those 15 years of their life (from 15 -30) trying to figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how to live in a way that is best for them.

Life experiences change who we are, and being ill has certainly changed who I am - and not in a completely negative way. But still, when October comes, I remember the part of me that I lost - the part of me died 15 years ago: the dancer who could be touched without crying, who had energy to spare after walking 5 miles, who thought she was going to be a million things, but none of them included this - and so I'm still mourning that person that I could've been, that I maybe should have been, but, at the same time I'm also incredibly proud of the woman I am turning out to be. Does this make sense to anybody but me?

Basically, as I came up to this Sick-a-versary, I was more conflicted than I've been in years past - it feels like both a solemn occasion, because of all that I've lost, and a cause for celebration, because I am Still. Here.

(I've been working on this post for a week, and it still doesn't feel like it explains exactly how I am feeling, but I suppose this is the closest I am going to get, for now. I hope it makes sense to some of you.)

The End

Final Tally!

Title of book(s) read since last update: The Areas of My Expertise
Number of books read since you started: 8 whole and two halves (of different books)
Pages read since last update:74
Running total of pages read since you started: 2282 + 74 = 2356
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 87 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 1269 + 87 = 1356 = 22.6 hours/24!
Mini-challenges completed: 8
Other participants you’ve visited: Around 24
Prize you’ve won: 1 ! T

Alright Folks - Readathon's Final Hour

End Meme


1. Which hour was most daunting for you? Somewhere around 5 o'clock, and hour 19, when I completely lost the ability to do math.
2. Could you list a few high-interest books that you think could keep a Reader engaged for next year? My first two books of the Readathon, The Sugar Queen and The Perks of Being a Wallflower were definitely winners.
3. Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next year? Maybe I will when I have some time to think about it, but not right now.
4. What do you think worked really well in this year’s Read-a-thon? Using audiobooks for exhausted/overly busy time periods; having enough of a TBR pile that I could just skip ahead to the next thing if what I was reading wasn't working for me. The Amazing Cheerleaders!
5. How many books did you read? 8 complete books (and 2 halves of other books)
6. What were the names of the books you read? The Sugar Queen, The Perks of Being A Wallflower, My Father's Dragon, Tempt Me At Twilight, Crouching Vampire Hidden Fangs, Positively Pooh, Visions in White, Bound By Your Touch and half each of The Introvert's Advantage and The Areas of My Expertise.
7. Which book did you enjoy most? The Sugar Queen, I think: it was the most enchanting, and unique.
8. Which did you enjoy least? The Introvert's Advantage: By the time I got to it, I wasn't in the mood, and there was a lot of specific science that I would like to read about, just wasn't happening for me today.
9. If you were a Cheerleader, do you have any advice for next year’s Cheerleaders?
10. How likely are you to participate in the Read-a-thon again? What role would you be likely to take next time? I know I'd love to participate again, I just am not sure whether I'd do it all exactly the same.

That said, I had a fabulous, fabulous time and I can't thank the cheerleaders/challenge leaders/organizers enough!

Hour 22

Into the last couple of hours here, and while I wouldn't say I'm still going strong, I am still going. Not all that unusual for me, except that I don't usually post every hour or two of my insomnia, so it's weird to try to think of things to say, or to attempt to add numbers together (thank god for calcuators!) Here are my latest, updated stats... I probably won't check back in again till it's almost finish-line time, so I just want to wish everybody who's still playing along a great last little while: You can do it!

Title of book(s) read since last update: Vision in White, Areas of my Expertise by John Hodgeman
Number of books read since you started: 8 & 3/4
Pages read since last update: 65
Running total of pages read since you started: 1840 + 167 (hour 19) + 210 (hours 20/21) + 65 (now) = 2282
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 40 min
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 180 +140 + 40 +909 = 1269 = 21.5 hours
Mini-challenges completed: 8
Other participants you’ve visited: None since about 1 o'clock this morning
Prize you’ve won: 1! Yay! From JoyStory.

Hours 20 & 21

Yeah, I'm still having issues with the maths, but I do know that I finished another book, which I'm pretty sure makes it 7, but I'll have to go back and double check in a little bit. It took me a little bit longer because of sleepy brain cells, but another 210 pages are done. And there's on a few hours left, so I'm going to turn off the lights and listen for a while, see if I can't get closer to the end of one more book.

Hour # I hate maths (also = 19)

We're getting into the wee small hours, here, and I'm not exactly feeling the number-love, so this post is just going to say that I finished another 100 pages of Tempt me at Twilight and am 67 pages into Vision in White by Nora Roberts, which is my first re-read of the whole Readathon. I've been reading non-stop since my last update, an hour and a half ago, so that's 180 minutes. And now I'm going to listen to the end of my audiobook, or head back into La Nora, (something nice and easy) with a short break to go grab another water and to close my window because it's getting cold.

Before she went to bed, Mum says to me "If you happen to feel your eyes closing... don't fight it," which is kind of one of those very sad jokes that only we get, because I've had insomnia now for at least 7 years: You can wager any amount of money that, challenge or no, if my eyes started to close? I would let them. She did have a good point though, that if somebody tells you you can't do something, it makes you want to do it even more, because people are perverse that way. So maybe, in the next couple of hours, I'll figure out that the way to solve my insomnia is to tell people I HAVE to stay awake. You could also lay a wager down that, if that works, I will pay someone to tell me that. Every night, for as long as it takes.

Readathon - Hour 17 - Getting closer now!

Title of book(s) read since last update: Bound by Your Touch, Tempt me at Twilight
Number of books read since you started: 7 (and two halves of other books)
Pages read since last update: 365
Running total of pages read since you started: 1475+365 = 1840
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 105 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 804+105 = 909 minutes
Mini-challenges completed: I've got 6 previous ones, and I'm including the Children's Lit mini-challenge & I gave my dancing routine mini-challenge over at Fyrefly books, so that brings me up to 8.
Other participants you’ve visited: I've been lax this past chunk of time, but I'm planning on getting around a little bit now, between books.
Prize you’ve won:0

Infantbibliophile asked for 5 of our favorite children's books, and that is a challenge that could not be more up my alley:

Here are 5 that we've read this past week:
1Fancy Nancy by Jane O'Connor and Robin Preiss Glasser
2Baby Sees by Eloise Wilkins
3Big Dog, Little Dog by PD Eastman
4I'll Teach My Dog 100 Words by Michael Firth
and
5What do Doozers Do? by Michaela Muntean

Heading into Hour #15, here's where I am

Title of book(s) read since last update: I read about 60 pages of The Introvert Advantage, which was great, but just not holding my interested, and then spent the rest of an hour listening to some Tempt me at Midnight, and now I'm 144 pages into Bound by Your Touch by Meredith Duran
Number of books read since you started: 6 books, 1/2 of two others
Pages read since last update: 284
Running total of pages read since you started: 1189+284 = 1475
Amount of time spent reading since last update: All but 16 minutes or so, when I was talking, since 8:00, so that's about 104 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 700+104 = 804
Mini-challenges completed: 5 previous, and then I did the re-reading the classics mini-challenge, so that makes 6
Other participants you’ve visited: Nobody new this time, I've been caught up
Prize you’ve won:

Halfway through and A survey too!

Mid-Event Survey:


1. What are you reading right now?Tempt me Twilight audio, and I think I'll be picking up Dairy Queen next.

2. How many books have you read so far? 6.5

3. What book are you most looking forward to for the second half of the Read-a-thon? Three Cups of Tea, which I've been saving forever.

4. Did you have to make any special arrangements to free up your whole day?
Not really: I was hoping to have Youngest Nephew over for a sleepover tonight, but it wasn't me that held that up, so aside from my parents, I've been all clear.

5. Have you had many interruptions? How did you deal with those? I've had very few interruptions, honestly. Mum or Dad wandering in, but that's about it.

6. What surprises you most about the Read-a-thon, so far? That time goes by so quickly, so I don't get to fit in as many of the add-ons as I might like. I think I'm going to cut back a little on the extracurricular chasing in this second half, unless I feel like listening rather than actively reading.

7. Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next year? I'm having such a fabulous time, I can't imagine what would make it better, at this point.

8. What would you do differently, as a Reader or a Cheerleader, if you were to do this again next year? Definitely vary the books a little bit better, have more choices immediately on hand (if I ever unpack the bookcases, this will not be an issue, but as it is, I can't get to all those boxes right this minute.) And maybe asking for sponsors to help with the donations (I'm still thinking about that).

9. Are you getting tired yet? I'm always tired, so this is just an ordinary day for me, only more people are playing along.

10. Do you have any tips for other Readers or Cheerleaders, something you think is working well for you that others may not have discovered? So far, the only trick I've got is the listening to audiobooks while I do the detail type things - the food getting, book retrieving, stretching of sore parts - so that I'm not losing any of the reading time. But I do that normally, too, so I can't say it's an adaptation I have just for the challenge.

Best of luck, everybody: We're halfway there!
(And, having made it to 6 books, I'm up to $50, so I feel pretty damn good about that!)

Readathon Hour #11 Update

Title of book(s) read since last update: My Father's Dragon by Ruth Stiles Gannett; Another couple chapters of Tempt me at Twilight
Number of books read since you started:
Pages read since last update: 140
Running total of pages read since you started: 1049+140 = 1189
Amount of time spent reading since last update: Since 5:55, I've been reading non-stop so that's 75 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 625+75 = 700 minutes (I love even numbers like that!)
Mini-challenges completed: Three previous challenges, plus the two I completed this hour = 5
Other participants you’ve visited: Skrishna (who has a fantabulous reading rate); All of the Readers of the hour
Prize you’ve won: 0

Things I would do differently next time: I would be better prepared - already, even though we're one hour short of the halfway mark, I find that I don't have the right mix of books - my non-fiction has been disappointing, the children's books too short - So I'm thinking next time have a better mix of re-reads and new-to-me reads, and probably add a few more YA books (which I love, but just didn't have any on hand) or branch out to graphic novels.

Readathon Mini-Challenges

Linus' Blanket has a mini-challenge called Feed Me Seymour, where you're supposed to post a scene where somebody is eating in from your books.

Here's Pooh Bear, being, well, Pooh Bear from Positively Pooh, Timeless Wisdom From Pooh:

Pooh always liked a little something at eleven o'clock in the morning, and he was very glad to see Rabbit getting out the plates and mugs; and when Rabbit said, "Honey or condensed milk with your bread?" he was excited that he said, "Both," and then, so as not to seem greedy, he added, "But don't bother about the bread, please."

And Joystory is hosting a Reading is Fundamental mini-challenge where we post a picture with kids and books... If you've been here before, you know I've got plenty to choose from... Let's see what I can dig up quickly (so I can get back to the printed books and give Kleypas a rest for a bit):





It's Youngest Nephew and Lil Girl at the local library - 2 years ago! - when we were first introduced to the joy of Llama, Llama, Red Pajama:)

See you back here soon!

Readathon Update - Hours 8-10

Title of book(s) read since last update:Crouching Vampire, Hidden Fang by Katie Macalister & a few more chapters of Tempt me at Twilight
Number of books read since you started: 4.5
Pages read since last update: 399
Running total of pages read since you started: (650+399=) 1049
Amount of time spent reading since last update: I can't believe my last update post was at 1:30! I've read non-stop since then, taking only about 15-20 minutes out here and there to talk with the people who are actually real in my life. So that's about 220 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 405 + 220 = 625 (10.42 hours!)
Mini-challenges completed:I just completed theRe-read Challenge, so that brings me up to 3 mini-challenges.
Other participants you’ve visited: I visited all the readers of the hour for hour 8 (Thanks again, everybody: I am not used to so much traffic all at once!)
Prize you’ve won: Still nunca, but that's ok... I'm having a ball!

Mini Challenge !

This is for the minichallenge over at Bartsbookshelf:

My title is Delicious Dairy Queen: Don't tempt me!

Readathon - Hour 8

(I'm left wondering what it says about me that every time I try to type "Readathon" I want to type "Readathong"?)


While I was busy updating this post, there was a sudden influx of comments: It turns out I am a Reader of the Hour! Welcome everybody ~ I'm so excited & am having a great time... I really appreciate the feedback & support!

Since I've got your attention, I'm just going to mention again that I am reading for The Whittemore Peterson Institute, for their astonishing and groundbreaking work with CFIDS research; Donors Choose, which allows teachers to post classroom needs and donors to pick which they can help with; and, since this is about books, what better way than to support a new generation of writers by supporting 826 National, which SisterK introduced me to this summer and which has an awesome program that promotes creative writing in schools. For every three books I read, I'm going to donate $25 (I haven't decided how to split it up yet), so I'm already up to $25 for three worthy causes.

Best of luck to everybody, and I'll try to do some visiting while Poppy continues to chase her sister's ferret (in the audiobook listed below)!

Title of book(s) read since last update: I'm listening to the audio of Tempt Me Tonight, by Lisa Kleypas
Number of books read since you started: Still 3 (audio books take so much longer, but it gives me a chance to see what everybody else is up to)
Pages read since last update: I have no idea how you measure that for audiobooks, so I am estimating (by counting the # of pages in a chapter from the last Kleypas I have in print and using that) that I am about 65 pages in.
Running total of pages read since you started: (585 + 65)650
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 75 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 330 +75 = 405 minutes
Mini-challenges completed: The Map, and now a title game
Other participants you’ve visited:Eclectic Eccentric (whose mini challenge was cool, but I had no shot at completing); Biblophile By The Sea (who is supporting a very worthy cause!); Alita Reads(who's a great cheerleader);A Striped Armchir (who happens to have one of the same books I have in my TBR) and Just One More Thing (who have a great title sentence sequence!
Prize you’ve won:

Readathon Update - Hours #5 & 6

"But first, I want to thank you for being one of those people who listens and understands ... And even though I didn't know you, I felt like I did because you sounded like such a good person. The kind of person who wouldn't mind receiving letters ... The kind of person who would understand how they were better than a diary because there is communion and a diary can be found."

The Perks of Being a Wallflower Stephen Chbosky


Title of book(s) read since last update:The Perks of Being A Wallflower; Postiviely Pooh
Number of books read since you started:3
Pages read since last update: 289
Running total of pages read since you started: (294 + 289) = 585
Amount of time spent reading since last update: I updated around eleven, I spent 20 minutes since then doing other things (I drank three cups of tea and a
bottle of water; I think you can do the math on that yourselves), so that gives me another 160 minutes... and I'm going to correct my math from this morning (when my brain was still trying to understand the numbers and say that 10 minutes from 3 hours is not 80 minutes, but in fact 170 minutes (IDK why I was thinking in terms of half hours, and so I made it every 3x30 and subtracted 10: Don't ask me)... so that means:
Running total of time spent reading since you started: (keep track of this one to be eligible for a prize!) I've got 330 minutes total, 5.5 hours! Yay
Mini-challenges completed: Still only the map one, but I'm going to do a bit of that now, and start fresh at 2:00
Other participants you’ve visited: Also am on my way to do this
Prize you’ve won: 0.. except for reading two extraordinary books and one pretty positive one!