Monday, February 27, 2012

Oh god, don't you have anything else to say?

I do, in fact have lots of things to say, but very little energy, or brain power with which to convey them.  My sleep is terrible lately: worse than my normal level of not sleeping, and I feel like a complete zombie most of the time.  It took me about 27 minutes to come up with an answer to a trivia question this afternoon, even though I knew it right away... just couldn't think of how to say it in a way that made any real sense to the person I was talking to.  It was like brain stuttering - it was in there, but I couldn't access it to get it out.  Sleep, why have you forsaken me?

(Seriously?  27 minutes to come up with "glucose" but three seconds to pull up random "forsaken"s?  Brains make no sense, Chapter 375.)

I do want to thank people who commented on my last post (either publicly or through private means): It was a hard one for me to write, even harder for me to publish, and now that it's been sitting there a week and a half, I still have this itch on the back of my neck to take it down.  It's a subject I don't talk about a lot - got in trouble with one of the sisters who lives elsewhere today, for just that reason: why hadn't I told her about the whole situation? It occurs to me that, aside from the lot of you here in my little corner of the world wide webs, there are very few people I actually talk to about it, very few people I would give the whole truth to.  Lots of dodging the question/talking around it type of conversations - "his temper is abominable, his drinking is out of hand" kind of stuff, but the full out truth?  I can't think of anybody who wasn't there that I could share that with.  Like I said, it's a complex thing - there's so many emotions wrapped up in that event, in all the events, that create our relationship, that I just... I don't know what comes next.  I will say that since that night, he hasn't been drinking (to my knowledge, and I am, as you might suspect, a rather good investigator of that type of thing out of necessity).  He did apologize, and has talked about the changes he needs to make to his behavior.  And he's been working almost non-stop since that night (aside from the days immediately following, during which he isolated himself in his room and walked around moping), maybe because he can tell how uncomfortable it is between any of us right now.

I don't know what's going to happen, and I hope these changes are long term, rather than just guilt induced and temporary, but only time will tell.  But the support I got after posting that - especially you, Fishy - means a lot to me, because, like I said, it's something I was very uncomfortable about posting, and I felt like it was maybe a little too real. 

But that's always what I'm looking to read - the real stuff - so I figure that's what I should try to write as well.

Ok, Lights out for me, for now, but I will be back soon to tell you all about how my doctor called me fat (but in a nice way), how yet another PA thought their blood pressure cuff was malfunctioning when he tried to take my pressure, and why nobody seems to be able to give me a clear answer on any damn thing. Have a good week, if you're up and about already! 

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