Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Hey, Jealousy

I seem, for the moment, to be stuck in a little bit of a low cycle. I'm feeling every one of my losses very keenly.

And there's no real reason except that everybody else is having a life. Is living their lives.

And I am not.

(Which, I know is not technically true and all. Just let me wallow for a minute, won't you?)

My youngest sister (SisterK) is making her first transatlantic journey, spending her spring break with a friend in Germany.

I have never really left New England.

One of my closest college friends, who I've grown apart from because time keeps seeping in between us, has just safely delivered her second baby. The baby is beautiful and healthy and my friend is fine and well. But I haven't even been able to meet her older boy - who will be three this year.

And my brother's baby reaches for me first, lights up when I come in the room, has learned how to sign "more" and "eat" because I've taught her. But then she goes home, far away now, with her older brother who I've loved and taught to read, and taught him his manners, and played in the mud with.

And I am here, still. Alone.

And my babies, the ones I've dreamed of my whole life? They're on hold - just like most everything else I dreamed of.

And SisterJ has found a new job, and is really, honestly in love with her fiance, a man of substance and honor and great kindness.

And SisterC is in a horrible relationship, but she's decided to make it work. Because it means so much to her to be on her own.

And I am on my own, in ways that none of them would understand. And it hurts.

So, I'm wallowing a bit. And hating myself for it - for turning all these blessings in my life into pinpricks in my heart. (Because I do know just how lucky I am to have all these wonderful people & experiences in my life... just not so much, today.)

But I never said I was perfect, so I guess we'll all just deal.


Lady S said...

We all have those low points. I am sorry you are having one now. I hope the weather clears up here in New England and that spring brings you joy.

LLD said...

I agree, we do all have low points.

I also think that our society is changing and women have more independence more choices. We don't have to be married in our 20's, it's ok to still be single at 30 and have fun with it. And, I think that society still puts pressure on everyone - you should be married, with children etc. Single people are pulled in both directions and for this reason sometimes feel unaccomplished - BUT, there are a lot of married people wishing they had your life too - goes both ways!