Clean-slating it...

Oh internets, I know I am still waaaaaaaaaaay behind on all of the pictures I have promised you, all of the stories I must tell. To that I say: it'll come when it comes.

I've been trying really hard to catch up, I've been trying all year, since Nana and all of that drama, to just catch up to where I'm supposed to be. And you know what? It's not going to happen... all of the things I was supposed be doing at some predetermined and arbitrary schedule? Yeah, that's so not happening.

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 29 now. It feels very, very strange. There's a lot of things I wanted to have happen in my life, a lot of things I always assumed I'd have or be or be doing by now. And those things? They're not happening either.

It's a lot to deal with, but it's also a lot like taking a big deep breath and letting it out. There's a lot to be said for letting things go.

I have a lot of things I need to let go of, a lot of expectations that I need to reexamine and readjust. And I'm starting to get to the point where I think I have the psychic energy, the emotional strength, to actually do it. I'm not all the way there yet, but it feels like I'm getting there. Getting to the point of being able to say "I'm sorry all of the things you assumed would happen in your twenties just didn't happen for you. It wasn't fair, or right, but it's what happened. You're here now, and you're (mostly) ok. You're (mostly) happy. You're lucky to have come this far, really. So you need to just take those deep breaths and let it go."

It's certainly not an easy thing to do, but it's starting to feel like the only thing to do. It's starting to feel like if I don't do that, if I don't try to let go of some of the things that have been hurting me for so long, I won't be able to make it. And that's not an option for me.

So I have to stop pretending that I've been ok with all of this, with the fact that my body has betrayed me so cruelly. I'm not ok with it... but I can deal with it. It's ok for me to be mad about the opportunities I've missed out on, to be disappointed that I so often feel like a spectator instead of a player. It's not an easy role to have. But if it's my role - if it's going to keep being my role - then I really have to embrace it.

This is one of those posts that I keep not posting because I think it doesn't make sense to anybody but me. But you all often surprise me, so I'm going to let it go this time, say it and put it out there.

Basically what I'm saying is that I'm trying to move forward in a way that is more than just making it through the day. I want to find a way to be living in my skin - my painful, achy, worn out body - and really be happy in the spot that I am in. Even if there's things I don't like about it.

It's so tricky, cuz I often think I'm accomplishing that, but I know right now I am not, I know right now it's been impossible to get past how much I hurt. But I'm going to keep making the effort anyways.

So... next deep breath, and moving on!