What I would say, if I were brave enough

Dear Facebook Friends,

I am genuinely glad that you are expecting your (insert number here) child. You are my friend, and I'm so glad for you (especially those of you that have been TTC for quite a while). I will happily attend baby showers and baptisms, and am already shopping for a gift to take to the hospital. But I am also sickeningly jealous, because the only thing I want more than getting well is a family of my own. So if you decide to complain about a)the gender of your baby or b)the fact that you are a little more tired than you usually are, you'll have to excuse me if I don't join in on the pity party. I know you have a right to how you feel, but since right now I feel like I'd rather be you on your worst day than me on my best, I'm just going to ignore your posts for a while and come back for the big announcement.

Kind of Sorry About This, and with Lots of Love, NTE
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Dear Facebook Friends,

I am glad you get to spend your time playing games that entertain you such as Farmville, MafiaWars, Sorority House, Godfather, Wizard World, ZooPets, etc. For myself, however, I know that if I were to join you in playing any of these games, it would not go well. I have a limited amount of energy as it is, and if I get sucked into playing a highly addictive game (and I can see by the number of posts you have each day, these games are highly addictive), then I would get less than nothing accomplished. (Evidence Bejeweled Blast, and the fact that I had to uninstall it from my page, lest I get sucked in again.) So please, please stop asking me to join your cult community: even if I liked it, it would be bad for me.

Love, NTE
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Dear people I used to know and now only sort of know because we are "friends" on Facebook,

Perhaps you are unaware of my particular life circumstances, and that is fine: I understand that we haven't been close in the 10-15 years since we've last seen each other, and so how were you to know? But if I post something about how I am feeling, or the status of my 1200th doctor's appointment of the week, or if you happen to see a picture of current-ish me (of which there should be none: although sometimes my siblings sneak them in when I am not vigilant enough) and notice that I am in a wheelchair, it is not an appropriate response for you to say things like "Damn, what happened to you?" or "Really, you're that sick? I would kill myself if that happened to me." It's called common sense, people. Rudeness is still rudeness, even if you're typing it.

Whatever, NTE
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Dear Facebook Friends who are too cutesy,

If I have to hear how your and your fiance/husband/boyfriend are head over heels, lovey dovey, to the end of the earth and back, never been in love like this before in LOVE, one more time, I might unfriend you. Just warning you. You have a right to be happy, but I have a right not to roll my eyes every time I open up my homepage, too. I am actually glad that you are in a happy and stable relationship, but if you called each other those cutesy names in real life, in public, your friends would laugh at you and walk away. So maybe you should just keep it to the private messages, and leave the "smooshy" "bestie" "Daddy" (ick) & "Snookums" (Really? Unironically?) for when you're actually seeing each other, so that I don't have to read it. Deal?

Love, NTE (See how I could say that without drawing 17 hearts in a row? You could try that too!)

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Dear Facebook addicts who tell me I don't update my status enough or think I should get a Twitter,

Honestly? Most weeks, if I updated my status daily/tweeted it would look like this:
Ow.
Ow.
Ow, plus Lil Girl is here.
Ow, am recuperating from Lil Girl.
Look, Ow & now Lil Girl is here again.
Ow, and now I have another doctor's appointment that I don't want to go to and will probably be a big waste of time.
OUCH. Doctor's appointment was a painful bust, but now I have pill number 756 to try, so we'll see if that works.
LOOK A PURPLE UNICORN.
Pill Number 756 gave me hives. And hallucinations. Am not taking it anymore.
Ow.

Actually, that's a lot more interesting than my normal week - purple unicorns are few and far between here (hives, unfortunately, are much more common). I realize that since you are working, you might have something new to talk about all the time, but for me, my life is a lot of same shit, different day. So, you should be glad that I only post things when they're actually interesting. Ow loses its meaning, after awhile.

Thanks for thinking I'm interesting, even when I'm actually not, NTE

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Dear Family Members/Friends from elementary school,

You do know I have lots of embarrassing pictures of you, right? And that I am consciously choosing not to post them? Ok, so maybe you don't want to get on my bad side, is all I'm saying.

Really.

Love, NTE