See, one of my problems is I have a very good memory.
And today, that's a problem, because I don't want to do anything: I don't want to read anything, talk to anybody, watch anything on television, listen to the radio, because I'm afraid of what today will bring.
My Nana had another 'episode' in the hospital this morning, and has been moved to the ICU. She's fine (or, as fine as she gets) right now, but they have no idea what happened, and are putting her through further tests. Her feeding tube surgery has been postponed, even though she desperately needs it.
I'm so afraid of today. I'm afraid to pick up a book, to start reading a magazine, or even to turn on the tv, because I'm afraid that whatever I do, it'll be the thing I was doing when I got the phone call that my Nana died.
I am hugely afraid of what today (or tomorrow, if we make it that far) will bring, and am almost frozen because of it.
I've been trying to distract myself online here, visiting sites, not really responding, not really all there. Distraction isn't really working, because a part of my brain, a part of my heart is at the hospital.
I couldn't go this morning, when my mom got the call: I'm just in so much pain from everything this week, was even kinda looking forward to having the day to rest (with Nana fine and settled at the hospital, waiting for her feeding tube). I got a shower last night, which I haven't been able to do in about 2 weeks, because of the shower coma, and having to be available at all times. I don't feel guilty about that, but I feel horrible about not being able to be there, even if she is just like she was before, not really up for conversation or company. It's the fact that I can't be there, right this minute, patting her feet, or searching the tv for yet another episode of Law and Order for us to rewatch.
I keep telling myself that this could all work out: her prognosis, even as late as last night, was pretty positive (once she got the feeding tube, she'd be much better through the rest of her treatments).
But today is a whole different ballgame than last night: I feel as if I have been learning bowling, practicing bowling, bought my own ball and bowling shoes, only to show up and be expected to play tennis.
And so, I'm here, just blurting out what I'm feeling, trying to occupy my mind.
And it's obviously not working that well...