Bring on the new month

Ok, so June - as far as this blog goes - was pretty much filled with suck. I tried a lot, but accomplished very little. (Very little meaning things like, oh, still having your freaking CHRISTMAS banner up the top there, with it's little snowflakes and such. It is such a good thing I do not have my own house - I would be the annoying neighbors who never take down their twinkle lights.)

We all know the reasons - feeling like shit, still being at my grandmother's house, a full 2 months after everyone else has moved into the house that I'm actually supposed to be living at (I do not say 'my' house, because it in noway feels like 'my' house), just general chaos and craziness and blah feeling - so I'm not going to go over them again right now, but I kind of just decided that I'm going to attempt another NaBloPoMo type thing, and try to post something everysingleday for the month of July.

The reasons being that I tend to feel less like crap if I've taken the time out of my day to say something to y'all - even if that something is just a quick "Hey: feeling like crap, so no real post today" type of post. Plus I've got a backlog of pictures and good quotes, and random things from around the webiverse, so I can always post some of those... it's about taking the time, I think.

So, there it is, in blue and white (are my words still blue? Holy jebus I need to get crackin on a new template.): come back tomorrow for something new.

Even if it's just a hello.

For those of us who can't shut our stupid brains off

Here's an image or two that might make particular sense to you:

via Quotebook


via i can read

And, just for a change of pace:


via icanhascheezeburger

:) Snap your way through the day, why don't cha?

A little bit on the whiny side, I'm sorry to say.

Every phone call with my mother ends the same way now: with her telling me about the work that's still not done, and me trying to think of something to say that isn't twisted and harsh and bitter.

I don't like it, and I know it's not her fault that things are moving so slowly, and I know that I am lucky to have a place to be that is safe and warm and where I am loved and I know it's just stupid & useless to feel sorry for myself, but I do.

I feel like I don't have a place.

I just don't belong anywhere -

As much as I love it here, and spending time with my grandmother and sister and uncle is amazing and wonderful and great;

As much as I know that Mum and Dad are working and painting and scraping and getting estimates 4 days out of the week;

As much as I know that this is all temporary and eventually, there'll be a house I can get in and out of, with a brand new cozy bed I just paid a lot of money for, and a bathtub I can take showers in and a kitchen I can cook in and a room where I can let the kids just play and not have to worry about them breaking something that's 115 years old or waking somebody up from a much needed nap.

As much as all that is true, right now?

At this moment?

I feel ...like those days are still too far away.

like I've overstayed my welcome, no matter what they say

like nobody who's supposed to care, actually cares enough to do the things that I can't do for myself. Or to find out how I'm doing, or to even think that I might be upset by the way things are playing out.

And, wow, am I upset.
I'm angry, even.
I'm shocked at how angry I am - that people can't be trusted to do even the simplest things, that time keeps passing, that I'm so useless, that I keep getting worse, that nobody seems to be worried besides me. I'm angry at myself, and I'm angry at just about everybody else.

Not all the time, not even most of the time... but today. Today I am.

I know it's because I'm feeling so much worse, and because the longer I stay here the harder it gets to pretend I'm still ok, and because the harder it is to pretend, the more I cause the people here to worry, or to go out of their way, and the more I feel like a big fat burden.

And also? Because I am just so sick of pretending.

I'm at the point where I can't hide the fact that I get tired halfway through making a sandwich and have to lay down for 3 hours. At the point where wearing a bra 24 hours a day - for modesty's sake - is no longer an option (hell, most days, it's not even an option to put it on at all) and I almost don't even care that they know I haven't taken a shower in almost 2 weeks. At the point where they can see that I save every last drop of energy for those two days when the Lil Girl (&/or her big brother) is here, and the rest of the time recuperating.

It's all the little stuff that doesn't matter when I'm at home, that matters big time here. And it only matters because I let it: I know that my grandmother doesn't think any less of me because I have greasy hair, or that my uncle is going to be thinking I'm lazy because I just can't clean up those dishes I left in the sink.

But I'm not without pride. I don't like people, even the people closest to me, to know how much I can't do, to see how much help I need to make it through the day. It's not a choice, though, when I'm staying here. It feels like all of my flaws, all of my faults and failures, are on display, all day, everyday.

And even though this rant is full of angst and all 'poor me', I know it'll pass soon. I'm already embarrassed that I even wrote it, because reading it back for errors makes me sound petty and like I don't appreciate all I have. I do. I really do.

But I'm not going to pretend it never happened, I'm not going to keep on pretending, at least here, that I'm not bothered by the fact that I still have no home. Or the fact that the majority (not all, but most) of my siblings have only contacted me in the past two months when they needed me to do something for them, and then promptly forgot that I exist. Or the fact that, at 30 years old, I have to constantly eat food I don't like because I can't just fix my own or watch the news b/c if I don't stay in the living room till 11:00, I'll cause people to worry.

I'm going to give myself this space to not have to bite my tongue or to not have to use my "I'm totally fine and can socialize like a normal person" voice.

And then I'm going to take a deep breath and open the door again, and try to convince my uncle that he'd really just like to order a pizza tonight.

As always, thanks for listening.

My Best Shot

Here's Lil Girl & Sister K practicing on the piano.

If there is a 3 year old in your life who has access to a piano, then you know that practicing actually means "making as much noise as humanly possible," and so you can appreciate the patience of SisterK appropriately.

Happy Monday, all. Now head on over and check out some more Best Shots.

If I could explain it to anybody,

it'd be you.

But I can't. I just don't have the words. All I have are all the things I want to say, and no words that make sense when I say them. I'll try again later. Just know I'm thinking about y'all. Hoping your day is going along in as positive a way as possible. Be back soon.

As usual

Sorry about that last post, peoples - I have no idea why the video didn't post, and no energy to try to fix it right now. I will try to get to it by the end of the week, though: how to feel stupid and lose blog audience - attempt to upload video for the first time, do not complete (even though blogger never told you it didn't upload), and then disappear for days at a time. Good work.

(Dope slap)

I have no other news right now, but can post a few of my flickr pictures as penance - they are already edited, so all it requires is that I click the buttons: easy peasy, hopefully.

Let's see what I've got for you -
Here's the newest member of our family, she's about 2 months old now. She's my cousin's baby, which I can never remember if that makes us 1st cousins once removed or 2nd cousins... I'll have to look it up (again). She's baby Fi -


Youngest Nephew on the phone with SisterK, who was in San Francisco on a trip. He was warning her not to change her allegiance to the Red Sox just because she was in California. I was trying to make his freckles pop in the picture, with varying degrees of success.


Lil Girl & SisterK, after Lil Girl realized that she was in the Dora cartoon I bought her for her birthday - I think she likes the idea:




Lastly, these are the pillows at the hotel I go to to take my showers. It's some advice I could take as well as give:

More pictures of me in one post

than you've seen in the 4 years of this blog put together.

Today is my 30th birthday, and I'm having a pretty good day. I'm ignoring my pain as much as possible, heading to the hotel to take a hot shower, and sitting on the front porch with my grandmother, feeling the cool breeze and listening to the life stories of people I wish I'd known (or known better). As a rule, I don't particularly like pictures of me, and I've been stingy when it comes to posting them here, I know. But I'm in the mood to look back and to look forward, and I thought this would be a nice way to do that.

You don't have to watch the 3 minutes or so of pictures from my life: I'll give you the Cliff Notes version if you'd like. For all my challenges and issues, through all the disappointments and losses, I've still been one lucky lady. I have a lot of people in my life who love me, who I'm lucky enough to love, and who've made my life a real experience. It's never been easy (see: name of blog). It probably never will be. But, for today, all I can be is grateful. (It's too bad only one person in any of these pictures will read this, but I'll try to tell the rest of them in person, if I can.)

Have a great weekend, everybody: I'm going to try for a computer free weekend myself, but we'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow.