Friday, May 14, 2010

So I'm sitting here

at quarter to three in the morning, after playing Family Feud on Facebook, and browsing on Etsy long enough to add a whole new page of favorite things, and typing up two long overdue, rambly and probably non-sensical e-mails, wondering what the hell I am going to do.

This surgery is on Friday, and - as of today - that is still a go. The liver issues seem to be under control (2nd set of liver tests = no problem, just like I suspected they would be), but I've got another round to go before I get the all-clear.

I do not like to be in limbo, and yet I seem to be spending an awful lot of time there.

So I am assuming that I am having the surgery on Friday, as in a week from today, and holy crap that is soon... which means I now have to figure out all of the things I need to do before Friday, in order to not have to worry about them after the surgery.

I've been stockpiling books (which I do anyways), and magazines that take little thought or effort. I've got a week or two worth of funny shows on my DVR that I specifically didn't watch, and a Netflix queue (instant and through mail) as long as my to-do list. I'm going to fill out all the paperwork for anything that might be due in week or two following the surgery - bills to be paid, mail to send, etc - today, and I'm saving the major clean up for Thursday, because I know I'll just mess everything up again anyways if I do it now.

I wanted to have a sleepover this weekend with No Longer Youngest Nephew, partly because I don't know when I'll be up to it again, and partly because I knew he'd be a great distraction, but it turns out he's got a Sunday baseball game, so (since I don't drive), that fell through. I've also invited College Roommate/Best Friend to come and visit, but she's usually weekend booked all the way through the end of the school year, so I'm not holding out much hope there either.

But I think if it's just me sitting here, things could get pretty dicey pretty quickly, so I'm just going to think of LOTS of things that need to be done between now and then, so I don't have time to obsess. Because obsessing is something I can be very good at, and it could lead to chickening out, which I am determined not to do, so, therefore (and, Off Topic: I really think the keyboard ought to have a Therefore symbol - maybe instead of the #... those three little circles in the shape of a triangle that came in so handy in freakin geometry, I could use those on my keyboard, just saying): Keeping Busy.

On the one hand, this is relatively minor surgery.

On the other hand, this is my body, which never reacts as the doctors say it 'should', and my face, which is already in enough pain, and myself, which also has enough pain and exhaustion to deal with, thank you very much... so this is the hand that will lead to the obsessing.

I'm trying to focus on that first hand instead. And this magical third hand that appeared out of nowhere to remind me that I will be under anesthesia, which means I will get some SLEEP. Real, actual, knock-me-out for a few hours sleep. The kind that my body has completely forgotten how to manufacture, and I will take whatever I can get. Artificially induced or not, I'm going to focus on the fact that a week from today, I will be taking a NAP. I know I cannot articulate exactly how awesome that will be, but let's just say that it almost makes me forget that they're going to be cutting out pieces of my body and sticking metal hooks up my nose. Almost.

In the meantime, I've got the itchy scratchies, but no actual energy to work them off, so I hope you'll excuse a few rambling blog posts, particularly if they're just serving as poor reminders to myself that this is not something to get all wimpy about.

Or about how I played Ms Pacman for the better part of two hours yesterday, and had over a million points because this was an online fake version of the game and when you ate the little 'turn the ghosts blue' pellets, the ghosts never changed back to their original colors unless you ate them, thus giving you the run of the board for ridiculously long periods of time. Ms. Pacman Champion, right here.

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