I stopped writing again. And taking pictures. And talking to people outside of my house. And doing anything just for fun. Not all the way - there was some writing, and some fun, and some pictures, but for the most part? I just stopped.
Which, if you've been here any length of time, you might recognize as a sign of Very Bad Things.
And there were some Very Bad Things -
- My grandmother has been getting worse, then better, then worse, then better again for months now, and a very large part of me wants to shut down what I'm doing here at home (which isn't much, to be honest) and move in over there again. If I thought I would be a real help, I would do it in a second. But right now, it's all just question marks, and 'why is she getting worse?' and 'but now she's better so let's forget about figuring out why she was worse: send her home', and so much nonsense.
- I saw a "pain specialist" at the pain clinic that Zack sent me to and he came in the room, looked at me and my chart and said "I have nothing good to tell you and you will leave here disappointed." Disappointed didn't really cover it, though, because, against all of my self protective instincts, I actually go into these things hoping that they'll be able to help (god forbid!), and I left the appointment wanting to set things on fire - my mother said she couldn't think of a good place for a fire, however, which was also disappointing. He told me nothing new, gave me the 'stay the course' speech, and still, by the end, when the nurse came in to give me the 'you can go now' part of the speech, and she was very sweet and conciliatory, I wanted to burst into tears - she knew that he wasn't going to be able to help me, I knew it, Zack knew it. Doesn't matter, for some reason. Still felt like getting kicked in the face, one more time.
- Things around the house have been... I guess awkward is the best descriptor I can think of. The not drinking is going really well (at least in the house: there is an increase in dinners out of the house, just my parents, and I don't believe those are totally sober, but you have to go with what people tell you until they prove otherwise), but it's still awkward. There are things you can't say, places you can't go. And there's still the belief that an apology is enough, which I am not finding to be true. He has said he's sorry, but ... i don't know how to get across to him that he has things in our relationship that need to be repaired, that require effort on his part. He thinks the not drinking should be effort enough, and I am conflicted about whether it is or not. (It feels like it should be, and also that it shouldn't be: that makes no sense at all to anyone but me, I am sure.)
- There's a distinct lack of children. What with all of the kids being in school (or two hours away), there are only weekends and vacations during which I can be around the little people I love. (Also: note to self: there's really only one 'little' person left, and he's two hours away. The kids I see regularly are going to be 6 and 12 (!) in less than a month.) I love that their growing older - the depth of stuff we can do: book signings and museum trips and dollar store challenges - is ever expanding, but I'm also kind of sad that there's no little bits to tuck in for nap time or sing silly songs with. Only Lil Girl came to decorate eggs this week - her big brother was busy playing hockey. It was the first time he was 'too big' for something like that, and there was a definite twinge in my heart area: I do not know what I will do when it's time to visit Santa and he rolls his eyes and says 'no thanks.'
- There's also a distinct lack of my children, and the reality of that perhaps being a permanent situation is starting to feel overwhelming. I know it is not impossible, and I know there's still some time left for that to happen for me, but ... it's not on the horizon, if that makes sense. I can barely function most of the time, healthwise, and I can't see adding the complications of children into the mix. At least not now, and not now, I'm starting to realize, has been going on for at least ten years. It's starting to get to the point of 'if not now, when?' That's a really hard question to answer, for a girl who's always wanted to be a mom, but can't see how that would happen.
- Then there's assorted what the fuck-ery: my SSI getting screwed up (for the second time since December), and having to deal with all the phone calls that entails; this whole diabetes, math at meals thing, which is like torture because there are so! many! numbers! and I hate numbers; all of the stuff that I'm supposed to be doing in the house that isn't getting done; random infections; other family members' health issues; and on and on and on.
So there's been some stuff, is what I'm saying. But not writing about the stuff gets me into trouble, so I'm re-committing (for the Xth time) to writing here more often. At least once a week, hopefully more. About stuff that matters, not just random gobbledegook. So I shall see you all back here, very soon. Till then, be As Well As Possible.