Friday, January 26, 2007

I meant to say ...

One of the reasons I keep this blog anonymous (or, mostly anonymous), is that I need to be able to write things like this post without worrying that my family will come across it while random Googling. Because I need this space to be able to say things I know would be hurtful to them, or worrisome, or just none of their frickin business. Because I need to be able to say what I need to say, get some things out of my head, without worrying about how this one or that one would take it.

And in the past two weeks, I've written very little, but only because I've had so much to say.

Because I've somehow found myself in the middle of everybody's lives, and I don't know what to do. Note: the following rant is long and self-pitying. Feel free to skip.

In the past little while, I've learned the following things:

- that my suspicions have been justified: Oldest Brother has been stealing and abusing my prescription drugs (and the drugs of others). For months. I am afraid, hurt, angry, disappointed, enraged, confused, scared, conflicted, and a million other things about this. And I'm so unsure as to what comes next.

- that Youngest Sister/SisterK has an entire lost family who found her through MySpace. And that she's been slacking off in school, with her violin, in her exams, since she got a new boyfriend. This is one of those mixed blessings: at 18, and without either of her natural parents, SisterK has a lot of questions. So this new set of aunts and cousins (from her mother's side), is a wonderful thing for her. It's also "hell-a confusing," and comes on top of a lack of focus/bit of senoritis on her part.

- that SisterJ didn't get the promotion she'd been hoping for. Or the loan. Or the new, cheap apartment she'd been promised. And that her depression isn't getting much better (Gee, I wonder why?)

- that my favorite cousin is finally pregnant, but they aren't telling anybody yet, because it's too early & it's taken so long to get here, so she's really worried that things could still go horribly wrong.

- that my Grandmother's sight is getting so much worse that they're telling her to be prepared for the fact that she'll probably be totally blind in one eye, within the next year. This is the Grandmother who, like me, takes such pleasure in reading.

- that my body is still in the running to be America's Most Screwed-Up Body, even though I'd really like to bow out of the competition.

- that the uncle we don't talk to (AKA, one of The People Upstairs) quit his job. Which means that my grandmother is NEVER. GOING. TO. EVICT. THEM. Regardless of her promises. NEVER.

- that SisterC is still fighting with the boyfriend-she-moved-in-with on a daily basis. And that, sometimes, she's afraid of him. And they live 45 minutes away, so what am I supposed to do with that information? She won't leave him; she doesn't want anybody to talk about it at all, even.

It's really been one of those weeks where, even though you try to remind yourself that things could get worse, it's hard to see how. Until it does. And, not everybody knows everything: I'm keeping this part from my parents, keeping that part from one of my sisters. And, so much of it is stuff I can't control, so I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.

I seem to be the only one who knows almost everything, and it's like a physical weight. It's so hard to decipher, 12 years into it, what I would feel like if all this were going on & I wasn't sick. How different my reactions would be. It's also stupid to try: it doesn't matter, since I am sick. This is where I am, this is where I have to deal with these things from.

It's also, just now, feeling a bit one sided. (Ok, maybe 8-vs-1 sided, if that makes more sense:) Everybody can come to me, everybody's problems are on my shoulders, but who can I go to? How many sympathetic ears are available to me? And this is not all their fault: a lot of it is me - I find it so difficult to explain myself, or ask for the emotional support I need, when they are all fufilling so many of my physical needs already. Or, so many of my issues are so longstanding, so unchanged that going over them again seems unbearable/useless.

So it's good to have this outlet, to be able to just dump it all here and not worry (too much)about overburdening someone whose plate is already full or being overly melodramatic. Even if no one was out there listening, it would be good to have this place to just let it all out.

And the fact that you guys are listening? Is just overwhelmingly appreciated.

Because just having this place, just being able to blurt it all out & not worry that someone will be hurt further, is so important to me.

1 comment:

Maya's Granny said...

Dear Heart,
I'm sorry that so many are using your shoulders for their burdens. And that there are so few shoulders you can use to share yours.
I'm glad to read and always care. I'm also wondering if you could find someone IRL to talk to -- a therapist, a priest (asks the atheist)? Someone who would be there in real time and whose face you could see and voice you could hear?