Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Making myself hit 'publish...'
I read other people's blogs and sometimes I feel like a real phony. Because everything they're saying seems so real, so true, so honest, and I know I'm not as open as that. Are there things that they can't say? Things that they don't say?
Because there are things that go unwritten, things in my heart that I feel uncomfortable putting up here ... not that you all aren't the sweetest & most supportive bunch of commenters ever, but for various reasons.
Because I'm afraid that someday, eventually, my family will find this page, and what I've said could hurt them. Or me. Or our relationships.
Because I'm not good at confrontations ---
(Oh, if only you knew how uncomfortable just the thought of them makes me... I have never been in a fight, or around a fight - verbal, particularly, with painfully poisonous arrows being flung about, back and forth, at the exact wrong/right, most tender spot - without feeling like I had to throw up. And sometimes, actually throwing up.) It has a lot to do with the house I've grown-up in, my parents, their parents, a whole bunch of family junk, but I just have issues with confrontation - with tension and atmospheric unease, dislike, hatred. Even when I have to discuss something about serious with someone, when I know there's no other choice, the air in my throat turns heavy and dense, as if it's stuck there, unable to go in any further or come back out. And my mouth suddenly gets too wet - like when you're sick (or drunk, I've heard) and get the swallows. I. Am. Not. Good. At. Tension.)
---- so there are things I don't say here, in the hopes of making this, not particularly a happy place, just not an unhappy place - not just for me, as I care that y'all like it here too, but mostly for me. Because I live in a tense house, a tense situation, with a chronic illness that makes me feel as my world can change at any moment - most often, not in a positive way - and so, I've needed this place... just to be... content.
Other times, I don't write because I think of what I want to say, and then... I can't think of a way to say it. Even when I want to talk about things that are hard - like my father, or why I'm so angry with my Nana about the PUS, or how it feels to be 28 and still dependent on your parents - the words all rattle around in my head, and come out here not making any sense. And I can't make myself publish those entries (I wonder if I'll be able to make myself hit publish on this one, once I've thought it all the way through), because .... because I want to be able to communicate those things in such a way that somebody - any of you - will be like: "Oh, I get that."
That's all - what you feel about what I write is your own business -
If you don't agree, I can take that. Regardless of what I said about confrontation above: it's not that I can't take people disagreeing with me - I can, I do, people disagree. It's the way some people (particularly in my family) choose to deal with that that makes me ... tense... I sometimes like it better when we all don't agree, because then you've given me another way to look at things. Maya's Granny said to me, a while back, for example, that if I kept giving my Nana the chance to disappoint me, I shouldn't be surprised. And she was right. I'm not surprised anymore (OK... I'm trying not be surprised anymore): hurt, yes. I have a right to be hurt by her choices, as they impact me, our home, our family, our relationship. But I shouldn't be surprised that she hasn't taken me into account (again), because that's how she operates. But I never thought of it that way - that I should just try to be surprised if she didn't hurt me, if she actually chose the right thing - because that's what would really be out of character.
If you do agree, that's great, too...
But what matters to me, is whether or not I said something that makes sense here. So the babbling stuff - the rants that start off making sense and then degrade into "well - I think... that is, I think I think that...."- I don't publish that stuff.
I write about what's important here - though - whether it's positive or not, as much as I can, because this is a place for me to be content, and I wouldn't be if I were lying/holding too much back. And I try to make as much sense here as I possibly can. And now I'm wondering if this post has any point at all...
I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I appreciate the place to open my heart, as much as I can. And I appreciate that you all listen, and take care with my heart and words, and our place here.
Back when I started writing here, I thought: well, this is just for me. Just for me to say things privately, but still out loud. But I'm not sure that's what it is anymore. At least not totally.
I hope that the things I don't say, yet, aren't getting in the way here. I hope you know that I don't lie: not ever. And that I try my best to write with the astonishing honesty and clarity I see in the writers I love and admire.