Sunday, July 20, 2008

One less

There are days when I feel like this is all too much for one person, that I could bear things, if there was just one less thing. Just one less issue, and my life would be manageable.

I could handle the being in pain and being exhausted and picking up every single germ, if I didn't also have to handle the smells or the migraines or the inability to breathe.

I could handle the brother with an addiction, the other bio families of SisterK & SisterS, and SisterJ's horrifying depression if I didn't also have to live in the same house as the PUS and know that their karma hasn't caught back up with them yet.

I could handle having to move, having to find a place to move to, having to make concessions on the little things, if I didn't also have to fight the PUS in court in order to make it happen.

I could handle the newest rashes, the inability to go outside when the sun is shining without wanting to cry, the past three years without a single night's uninterrupted sleep, if I could just eat food without feeling like I had to throw up.

I could handle AuntieE being in a coma, Mum's knee suddenly blowing out on her, SisterCh's new mega-hives, if I didn't have to handle Nana having cancer, Nana being so sick, Nana dying.

It always feels like if I just had ONE LESS worry - If I could focus on Mom's grief instead of my own, or when to get over to Grandmother's house instead of the stupid ants that are marching across the floor, then my life would be ok. Then I would feel like I had some control over what was going on.

But it's never one less, in my experience, and almost always one more.

And the past few days have been full of 'more's - More little annoyances, more bad news, more things that need to be fixed but you can't see a way to fix them.

SisterJ's depression is crushing her again, and she's hiding from us because it's too hard even to talk. She's getting help, has been getting treatment all along, but a new medication change seems to be making things worse. On the phone, her voice is that scary void again, and I know she's feeling nothing so much as not wanting to be here, to not have to deal.

It's a frightening thing to recognize, and to feel a small echo of it in your own heart. I'm not suffering from depression right now, but I have in the past, and it's been the kind of day, week, month, and year where you can see how shockingly simple it is to go from sad and grieving and worried and weary to completely depressed. I'm being vigilant, I promise, but today is one of those days where all of my burdens seem heavier than usual, when I have to escape into a good book or stare at stupid movies all day because being me is just too much.

I don't feel hopeless or useless or as if tomorrow might not bring something worthwhile, which were all the things I felt when I was depressed, but today I feel overwhelmed and scared and tired. Just tired of having to cope. Just wishing that things were just the tiniest bit easier.

Just to have one less.


Laurie said...

I'm so sorry to hear things are so heavy right now. I too wish you had one less! Sending good thoughts to you, and the hopes that someday soon, you do have that one less...

Indy said...

So sorry to hear how things are going. This is my first time on your site. I'll be back.