Right Now...

Right now, I am sitting in my air conditioned room, watching the wind ruffle the trees across the street, waiting for the promised storm to finally let loose and cool us all down.

Right now, I'm loving how half of the sky is gray and the other half looks almost painted on, it's so blended and pastel-y. (Totally made that word up, I'm pretty sure.)

Right now, I'm taking deep breaths for the first time in many, many days (short story long? Stupid PUS. Ants. Ant spray. Am finally back in my own room.), and hoping that I'll be able to open the window to take a deep breath before the night is over.

Right now I've shut the TV off, pulled the blind up as far as it can go, and turned the A/C down as low as it can go.

Right now I feel like all I've been doing lately is waiting - waiting for better days, waiting to feel happy, waiting till we know where we're going and when we're going. And I hate waiting. For me, that first, slow climb up to the top of the roller coaster was always the worst part: the clicking of the wheels on the track was echoed in my stomach, suddenly an empty cavernous hole. Panic would set in and every inch forward just proved to me that I was too stupid to be allowed to make choices for myself, that I should never have gotten on this ride in the first place, that everything I knew about ride safety and physics was wrong, that I would, of course, be that one person whose grisly tale would be retold on the evening news.

In a lot of ways, waiting isn't really the hardest part: I'd rather be waiting to find out something bad had happened than to be sure of it. I'd wait forever if it meant I would never get some pieces of news; I'll wait till I day before I let someone tell me I'm never going to get any healthier.

But even knowing that I could be doing worse things than waiting, it doesn't make it any easier to wait, I'm afraid.

So right now, as I'm watching the clouds rip open and the sky light up, I'm thinking of how good it would be to just know something. To just have something to be sure of... instead of waiting.