Where have I been?

I see that it's been nearly a month between postings, and I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten you... nearly everyday I have a "You should say something to the nice blog people" moment, but it isn't accompanied by the energy and effort that's been required. There's a lot of reasons for that - health issues (surprised?), other people's health issues, summer with the kids, life in general. And there was SisterCh's wedding, which was nearly two weeks ago, and I am still recovering from it.

The wedding itself - the whole getting married part - was wonderful and sweet and short and simple, and I couldn't be happier for my sister and new brother in law.


Everything else? The planning and the crafting and the being the peacekeeper and the living in a family of 'always lates'? Was capital K Krazy. It was like drowning in a pool of anxiety for days at a time, and not knowing how to come up for air... as if I had dove into the deep end of an actual pool and someone through the plastic pool cover on while I was floating underwater: It felt like I spent a lot of time frantically clawing at it, digging for a way to surface. I don't exactly know why it was like that - some of it was me, some of it was other people, some of it was those stupid health issues I was talking about, and some of it just falls into the 'holy shit: this is my life?' category - but it was heavy, and - as much as I love my sisters & love to be able to help them out - I am so glad that nobody else is engaged right now. We'll talk about it more later, for sure, since I've been dissecting it in my head ever since, and trying to learn from my mistakes, but I'm too exhausted to go into it in detail tonight.

I am once again in recuperation mode, but there's a lot of unavoidable stresses that are making that pretty difficult. I'm getting there, though, slowly but surely. In the meantime, how about a picture of the happy couple, just so neither of us leaves with the impression that it was a completely horrible experience? (It really wasn't: I need to do a better job explaining soon, so it doesn't seem like it. Promise it won't be a month before I come back!)

Topics, topics, who's got a topic?

I could write about how hot it is here, and how everyone else in my family would like that to mean all air conditioning all the time, but the stale smell of the air conditioning combined with general cooking smells that will not dissipate, plus the fact that air conditioning makes me frozen, added to the fact that parts of our house get a really good breeze makes me less than amenable to this plan. Which earns me a lot of dirty looks, I suppose, but it turns out I give just as many, when I come out of my non-air conditioned room to find that the rest of the house is iceberg cold. It's a game we will continue to play all summer, unfortunately, because the heat doesn't really bother me, and it seems to really bother everybody else. Humidity bothers me, asthma wise, and I have no choice then but to fall back on the A/C. Heat itself, however, because I am very low on the physical activity meter (& also a lot lower in the room physically - heat rises), doesn't mean all that much. Sun, humidity, all of the main accomplices of heat - we are enemies, but heat & I are kind of buddies.

(I recently told Zack that I have experienced a dramatic increase in my levels of sweating - "Usually, aside for fevers, I am not a sweat-er" I told him. "No: You're more of a jacket" was his completely straight-faced response. Zack is so pathetic, he can't help but be adorable, sometimes. Even if I have now been waiting four days for his substitute nurse to call me back - I don't like that substitute nurse very much.)

What else is going on here - OH YEAH - a big huge shower. Even though it is not really all that big or huge; it just feels like it because there are a lot of details and secrets and planning and crafts and last minute things that I hate, but you can't cook for a party three weeks beforehand, unfortunately. That's this weekend, in case you were wondering. I have no doubts that it will turn out to be lovely, but the anxiety of getting there reminds me that I would - despite awesome organizational and DIY-skills - make a poor wedding planner.

I always get nervous before parties, and can't really nail down what the anxiety is about (aside from things just completely falling apart). I know I am not truly anti-social, but there is a huge part of me that is introverted, and definitely socially awkward. I long to be one of those gracious hostesses who doesn't search for the right thing to say that makes people feel welcome, or who knows how to blend different groups of people together seamlessly, but longing for it unfortunately does not make it so.

In response to a previous query, I thought I'd tell you that we've decided on two games for the shower, neither of which require much of a spotlight or too much intense participation (which I am not sure we can count on from our guests) - a "How Old Am I?" guessing game, with pictures of the bride at various ages and stages, and a "Design a Wedding Cake" coloring thing that has so far only been hilarious in the number of ways my sister and I have miscommunicated about it.

Originally, I'd read something about creating cakes out of Play Doh, which I thought sounded like fun and was different enough that not everybody would have played it a million times already (toilet paper dress making, I'm looking at you!) We decided to scale it back a little, I think mostly because not everybody here is a big Play Doh fan (boo hiss: Play Doh is awesome!), and do models instead. I told my sister that there were cake templates that we could use, and then people could decorate their own and have SisterCh judge which was best. Now, what I was talking about was doing little Styrofoam models of cake - actually called 'cake templates' (the kind people use when they're learning to frost cakes) with real frosting and what not - still kind of messy, but silly enough that people were having fun. But what SisterJ (the matron (ha!) of honor) heard was templates - like a paper drawing of a cake, that we would then have people decorate. So I went out and bought 20 pastry bags, and the look she gave me when I took them out of the bag was as if I told her I had decided that I would wear my underwear on the outside of my clothing from now on. In the interest of space and cleanliness, we decided to go with the coloring page version of the game, and I'm hoping it will still have enough silliness in it to make it fun and worthwhile.

I'm off to finish printing the pictures for the How Old Am I game, as we speak, so wish me luck. Let's hope whatever any of us wind up doing this weekend will be fun and fruitful!

Constant vigilance

Am imagining myself in Italy with Nathan Fillion, instead of lying here in bed, with a headache the size of that leaning tower he's probably posing next to right now. (Nathan Fillion is actually too cool to pose as if he and the tower are both tipping over, I'm sure, it was just the largest thing my poor tired brain could think of.) I actually had a pretty eventful day - wedding crafting with my mom and sisters, which went relatively well.

When it comes to my sisters - to any of my family, really - "relatively" is the operative word. Members of my family have long accused me of being "overly sensitive", and I probably am, but I feel like I am certainly not alone in that personality trait - none of us is particularly immune to the barbs and arrows that are routinely slung around here. Only, for the most part, I feel like they are all only sensitive to what's coming at them, not at what they're dishing out, while I have to be on high alert for everybody's issues. (Hello: I'm an adult child of three alcoholics: I like to try to stave off any emotional conflict before it completely & disastrously explodes - Pleased to meet you!)

But I am apparently the only one who is on hyper-vigilant putting-out-fires-before-they-flame-up duty, because it often feels like every time I tune into a conversation, I see somebody standing there, dropping another match.

It's like they can't see each other's tender spots - or when they do see them, they underestimate the impact on that person when they poke at them. When they're doing it it's "just teasing/joking/making an observation", but if it's done to them, then it's a deliberate insult.

I know people do bite their tongues, which makes me grateful that they have some internal sensors, but I don't feel like anybody else is as tuned into trouble as I have to be. Nobody else seems to see that looking to SisterJ for what comes next is probably putting more pressure on her than she needs/wants, or that continuously laughing at Mum's attempts to cut straight leaves her more embarrassed than amused. Perhaps there's more than a kernel of truth in these things, or in the fact that SisterCh would rather play with her her music list than make a decision, but when people keep poking the same spot over and over, I find myself waiting for the inevitable to occur, and for some to go just one joke too far.

And Lord only knows what happens then.

Part of my apprehension is, of course, this newly formed/found peace between SisterJ and SisterCh, which (it seems to me as a semi-outsider) is being constantly strained and tested by the multitude and magnitude of wedding STUFF TO BE DONE, and while I know it is not my responsibility to try to police their interactions, I keep finding myself doing exactly that. (And then writing super long, run-on sentences about it!) I hear myself re-interpreting something one of them just said to the other, trying to soften a verbal blow that I hope was unintentional, or have to physically stop myself from following after them when they leave a room together, worrying about what might happen once they are out of earshot. It's unreasonable, and I know it, but I haven't figured out how to stop feeling it yet.

They're actually doing a lot better than I'd have imagined, but the potential for danger and chaos is frightening to me, and I know that it's kicking my control freak tendencies into high gear, leading people to tell me how bitchy I'm being, which, when you are really only trying to help, feels pretty awesome, let me tell you. So then I try to dial it back, and wind up seeming uncaring to somebody else. Balance: I need it. (You can't control other people, I keep telling myself. But knowing it and following through on it are two different things.)

What's really evident to me now, though, is how much it hurt when they were fighting - not just them, but me too, - and how powerless I felt during that whole thing. I don't want to feel that way again, so I am trying to throw myself on all the grenades I see now, before they blow us apart again. Of course, this is a stupid strategy, because A) maybe those aren't grenades to anybody else besides me, B) constantly watching for grenades is exhausting, as is trying to diffuse them before they blow up, and C) everybody involved is an adult, and I'm never going to be able to predict or control their behavior, so it's useless even to try.

I am well aware of all those points, and it helps, some, to calm me down when we get to spend a day like to day where there were three separate bouts of laughter-induced tears, two semi-completed projects, and a whole room full of very stubborn people who each gave the day their absolute all, but I have a feeling that this relationship repairing stuff is going to take a lot longer than I want to be on guard duty for, and am going to try to work on that.

" Is there anything worse than dress shopping? I would rather ...

have my toenails peeled off one by one with pliers than spend five minutes in the dress store."*


After a rather disastrous round of ordering, trying on & returning dresses, my quest for an acceptable dress to wear to my sister's wedding continues. Let me just say this -

- I am not good at clothes shopping, unless it is for baby clothes. I could shop for baby clothes for hours, happily. As opposed to what I've been doing today, which is shopping very unhappily for grown up clothes, also unfortunately for hours.
- I am totally judgmental about jumpsuits, and do not understand why they are 'fashionable' again. I will say, though, that it's probably just because they look really comfy, and I'm jealous that other people would leave the house in them.
- Although I am generally good at visualizing, I am particularly bad at visualizing how something will look on me .I have this sort of fake "what I wish I could wear" mindset, and wind up buying things that would never ever look good on me. This is evidenced by every hat I have ever bought, the existence of anything empire waisted in my closet, and the fact that I own a choker.
- On the topic of empire waists: Why do people, fashion type people, insist that plus sized women look good in these? Certainly there is a certain segment of the plus-size population that can wear these types of things and look great, but as a top heavy lady, let me just say: this style is not doing me any favors, can I please have some other options? When there is a very obvious line between where your boobs are supposed to be and where they're not, and that line falls somewhere in the middle of your actual boobs, it is not flattering. And yes, I have a great bra, and yes, they're where they're supposed to be: they are just too big to fit in the section you have assigned them. Now would be a good time to try something else, except 89% of what is out there is in this style, so that kind of makes it a little more difficult.
(Other variations on this theme include - Sleeves - Can we have some?; Belts - Now completely unnecessary!; Prints - Being fat doesn't mean I'd like to resemble my couch; and Colors - did you know there are more colors than black and blue?)
- I never got the "I must have shoes" thing ( you only get two feet, and I'm just not that interested in fashion), but given that I don't have to actually walk in any of the shoes I buy, I can pretty much go for the most outrageous shoe out there. This is actually pretty reassuring, as I look at the spiky torture devices the models are exhibiting in some of these pictures.
- And that turns out to be a less than fair trade-off when you consider that nothing looks as good sitting down as it does standing, and I'm going to be sitting down the whole time I'm wearing this thing. Nobody thinks that sitting makes that much of a difference in whether you look good in something or not, but let me assure you, as one who is sitting 99% of the time, it really does. Standing is slimming, it's allows for air to flow and the natural movement of the dress (in this case) to occur. Sitting scrunches things, makes you realize that the neckline is too high because you can't breathe anymore, squishes other things, makes things you wouldn't have thought of bulge in strange ways. Plus it makes everything hotter, because you're just sitting there sweating in it for hours and hours. Trust me - always sit in something before you buy it, you won't be sorry.
- I think online stores should have more reasonable return policies - you know we can't buy these things in store, for the most part, so why don't you have free return shipping? Why don't you have in-store pick up options, if you're going to charge me $17 to send me the damn thing and it's your fault your store doesn't carry plus-size on site? Grumble, grumble, grumble.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif


That is my rant on wedding guest dress shopping, for the moment.... Now I'm off to try again. See if I can't find something that works. Although if you have an infant you'd rather I outfitted, I am open to and available for all distractions...

No? Nobody? Ok... fine.

Have a great, safe 4th of July weekend, everybody.


*
Little Manhattan

It was strange: There was a perverse comfort in inertia.*

So I'm having a bit of a hard time lately, and I'll tell you, it is not becoming. It's one of those times when there's a lot of stuff just underneath , and you spend a lot of your time (or at least I do), measuring your words and acts carefully, because you're sure that what's underneath could come bursting through at any moment, and that it would not be a good thing if that happened.

Some of the underneath stuff is not my own, just mine to figure out how to navigate - all of that fun (and incredibly high-pressure, fast-paced) stuff related to putting together a wedding with a bride who has a bit of difficulty making choices (and then sticking with them); the trying to incorporate the opinions of everysingleperson ever, apparently; and two sisters with a tentative truce and a still rocky understanding of each other who are trying to collaborate on about 400 different aspects of a wedding in a little over a month. So there's that.

And then there's all my under the surface stuff, like the fact that Soon-to-be Sister-in-law sort of decided that it wasn't worth it to bring the kids up here anymore, only she didn't come right out and say that so I'd get up in the morning expecting them and instead find a text saying no one was coming. Although we've renegotiated for the summer, and she told SisterJ that she did it because she thought bringing them up here was burdening us, I was left with a bad taste in my mouth and the feeling that all the effort and time I spend with the kids (because I want to!) is not really worth all that much to her, while here I thought I was helping to raise them for the past eleven years. I guess I am more hurt by that then I let on, even though I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, and that - in general - they both appreciate the time we watch the kids.


And, of course LilGirl will be starting kindergarten in the fall, so that means our twice a week commitment with her will be ending anyways, so I was trying to pack as much fun stuff into the summer as I could, because once school starts, we're all weekend sleepovers, and that's just not as much time. LilGirl is not the only one disappearing come the fall - SisterK will be in Iowa to go to grad school in August (right after the wedding), and has been off gallivanting on trips to England and Vermont since she graduated so that I have barely seen her.

I have an uncle, who I am not very close to but still love, who is suffering from cancer and seems unlikely to make it to through the summer, and it also seems highly unlikely that I will get anybody to go up to where he lives with me, (and once there, I'm pretty sure I can't make it into his antique cabin because of stairs). Hell, I can't even get people to walk next door for me to deliver a pie I spent three hours baking (squeezing lemons is not in my skill set), which is another issue simmering underneath everything else. It also turns out that I am eligible for yet another social service program, which might change both my financial contributions to the house and the responsibilities that my mom would have when it comes to helping me out. Unfortunately, our current working relationship is not working out as it is, mostly because she's not been in the best health either (physically or mentally), and it is making it so that I don't always get the help I need. Having this between us, when we are so close, is hurtful, because I wind up feeling both resentful - not that she's not well enough to do something, but that she insists she is and then it doesn't get done - and trapped - we depend on the money my mom makes as my PCA, so if I try to give some of her hours to someone else who could do some of the less personal, errand running type stuff, then I'm taking away money that our family needs; and I assume that she feels pressured and misunderstood, because I am just not ok with the things that are getting left behind. It's very stressful, as you can imagine.

Along with that are some new health issues - not setbacks, exactly, but issues - that have kind of shocked me, and left me unsure of what to do next. It is likely that my body (jokester that it is) is just playing tricks on me, but either way, it's starting to seriously complicate matters, and that is not appreciated. Not to mention, although I hate hate hate the analogy of the biological clock, that certain ticking numbers, including my age and hormone levels (never mind my single & sick status), are making me wish I'd gotten knocked up at fifteen, before I got sick, so that I wouldn't have to worry about it maybe never happening now. (And even just typing that makes me literally sick to my stomach, which is why I am avoiding thinking about it as much as possible.) And of course, every one I know is pregnant. (Well, two cousins, two friends, a zillion bloggers - it just feels like everybody.)

And, if you've been here any length of time, you know that when I'm avoiding things, I take up residence solely inside my own head. Where I can either choose to zombie out - play a few "click a lot and blow things up" games, reread a series full of happy endings, Facebook stalk - or swim in the muddle and try to salvage some sense. Can you guess which choice I have been making lately? If I told you that the Bridgertons are doing just as well as they were the last time I read their books, and that I have a new high score on Big Money, would that help you out at all?

Yes, I've been zombie-ing out, which includes, of course, letting the blog fall semi-silent because "what the hell am I going to say that makes any sense to anybody?" But, as is often the case, it just took me a while to get things into place, just enough, that I could write about them some. So here's some of the stuff that's floating around underneath for me, thanks for letting me vent a bit.

I promise tomorrow's post will be full of ... something else. Hopefully a good something else. :) Have a great weekend you guys.

*Jeremy Groopman, The Anatomy of Hope

I kind of hate bridal showers

So, Miss Janice asked me the other day who was getting married, and it occurred to me that I hadn't written about SisterCh's wedding since she announced she was engaged, last New Year's Eve. The reason for that is that it was, until about three months ago, a nebulous sort of thing - "We're getting married in 2012, so we'll be married before the world ends" or "We're getting married next year, when we've saved enough money" are both actual quotes regarding when the wedding would be happening. And then, suddenly, around April of this year, a near nervous-breakdown SisterCh came to the house one day and just let loose - Why weren't we helping her? Why didn't anybody care about the wedding? Why was she having to do everything all by herself? There was some other stuff, of course, because we are a family, and there's always other stuff, but this wedding stuff was mostly out of nowhere, for me, anyways. I told her that the reason nobody seemed to be helping with the wedding (even though I felt like I was doing what I could) was because it didn't seem like there was an actual wedding to plan yet: She had a sort-of date, but no real plans aside from that, and that I kept expecting her to change the date (for the third time) because they weren't ready financially. When she insisted that the wedding was happening this August 6th (as in less than two months from today) even if it meant courthouse steps and Little Debbie cakes, I let her know that I was totally on board to help out as best as I could.

So here we are, with a little under two months to go, and we just finished the invitations this weekend. And now, SisterJ (who has made miraculous and tentative peace with SisterCh, thank the lord) & I have to plan a bridal shower pretty much immediately. Ideas are easy - it's the follow through that's tough.

The other thing that makes it tough is that I find parties where grown-ups sit around watching another grown-up open presents for an hour or so boring, intimidating, and anxiety producing. I mean, I've never had a shower, but I've been to my fair share, and I know that no matter what, you're expected to open the gifts right there in front of people. Which brings us to Problem A and Problem B.

Problem A is not my problem so much as it is everybody else's, but they insist on making it my problem, which is annoying. I am a slow present unwrapper. On Christmas, I sit with my pile of presents and watch everybody else open theirs first, because I hate to miss anything. Then I start lifting the tape off of each end, and - without fail - at least one person will be complaining before I even finish that first present (sometimes before I even start opening that first present). When it's just my family, I figure "screw you" and do as I damn well please - unwrapping presents is almost as much fun as wrapping them, and why should I rush through it just to make you happy. Even so, I can't recall a Christmas where someone hasn't stepped in to 'help', and moved things along faster. But I think I'd be too self-conscious to take my time unwrapping in front of a larger group of people, who are all sitting there watching me, with no presents of their own to enjoy in the meantime. It would be wicked awkward.

Which brings us to Problem B, aka Why is everybody staring at me ? Seriously: at most parties, even birthday parties, there's a whole lot of mingling, a little bit of focused attention during cake cutting time (when it's dark, at least, while a roomful of people who can't really sing sing you a song as loudly as possible), and then more mingling and eating and then everybody goes home. Showers (baby or bridal, take your pick), are pretty much the opposite - a whole lot of undivided attention focused on that one person, broken up with occasional stupid games, nibbling of foods, or mingling with the people you're seated with. Too much eye of the storm for me, thank you very much.

And, thankfully, that is not a problem I have to deal with right now. Right now I have to figure out a date to have the thing, where to hold it, what to feed people, what to make them do while they're here. I have basically two ideas - a theme and perhaps the beginning of a family tradition? And I pretty much have to do all of that in the next three or four days, because there's very few weekends left between now and the actual wedding. So, I'm going to pin down SisterJ tonight, see if we can't get something started here.

Wish me luck.

And also feel free to comment on any non-boring bridal shower you've ever been to, because we could use all the help we could get.

Some random thoughts

and quotes, just to give you a sense of how my weekend's going.

"I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it."

Sex and the City.

via Quotebook

:Sigh: Not having the easiest time finding a dress that fits me in a reasonable way, and having found one that I think works, I now have to search for shoes. Wicked excited about that, if you couldn't tell. Am focusing on how happy my friend is, how wonderful it will be to see her get married, and how, really, ain't nobody going to be paying attention to me.

"If you're going to find out who you'll become, you need space in your life for who you are, rather than storing reminders of who you thought you were going to be." Dr. Wende

I'm finding that unpacking and moving in are not just physical actions, there's a lot of mental work involved as well. Giving up some things, holding on to others, deciding which is which is difficult work, and so I spend a lot of time thinking "I should be doing X" and instead checking my Google Reader. Which isn't to say I haven't accomplished somethings:

Going through my pharmacological supply and realizing that I've taken over 100 kinds of pills that have done zero, zip, nada for me? Hard. Throwing them away? Easy.

Seeing some of the stuff I've set aside in my hope chest (which was never really about getting married for me, but more about having a family), and realizing that I'm still hoping? Still on hold when it comes to those dreams? Hard. So, so hard. Still imagining the little bald babies (in my family, there are only bald babies) that might someday be wearing these things? Very, very easy.

Realizing that things I played with, or wore, or that we had around the house when I was a kid are now considered 'vintage'? Not exactly hard, but kind of ridiculous feeling, just the same. Realizing that I can take advantage of this and label things as 'vintage' when we list them on e-bay, etsy or craigslist? Awesome.

"It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires great strength to decide on what to do." Elbert Hubbard

I am also, as always, caught up in the middle of various family issues. A baby shower and who should plan it. Parents who need to quit smoking, but just can't seem to. (And, my inability to just FORCE them to, which shows me just how much of a control freak I can be.) A sister who doesn't understand that texting and driving (or drinking "so long as I'm not drunk" and driving. or 3 in the morning combined with either or both of these things and driving) is not just stupid and dangerous, but hypocritical of her. (This is one of those things I "just don't understand" because I don't drive or drink - she "knows her limits and isn't stupid enough to drive if she's too tired/drunk/distracted." Seriously? I tried to explain that NOBODY thinks they're too drunk/tired/distracted, and yet people are still dying/killing other people. I had to leave the room before one of us wound up punching the other.) A nephew who needs his parents to pay attention to him, and can't seem to get their attention in any positive way. A brother who's blind to all he's got, reckless with his own life, & careless with the lives of those he's supposed to be caring for. A grandmother who's isolated again, now that I'm not there, and UJ is painting their porch, but doesn't want to come over because "it's such a bother" to us. (Head -> desk. NOT A BOTHER! Also, it's Grandparent's Day, and you are my one surviving grandparent... please let me be bothered!)

All of that stuff is buzzing around, and there's so much of it that I often feel like a radio that can't tune into just one station - there's too much static, too much fuzz, and there's always some other faint voice playing over the specific thing you're trying to hear. And then there's how I feel which can not just cover up the sounds I'm listening for, but break in with it's on emergency alert tone if that's what it takes to get me to listen to it. It makes for a muddle, sometimes.

I keep practicing my breathing, though, in the hopes that I can sometimes settle on just the one thing: the hard part is figuring out which is the right thing. And not feeling horrible at the million or so other things that get left out, hoping that you're getting to the stuff that really matters, and that the stuff you're letting go can figure itself out without your help.

(And that makes it seem like I think I am the center of the universe, which I really don't. I just find it hard to figure out where to put my energy sometimes, and find it impossible to just not worry about the things I don't get to.)

Anyways...

Have a nice, deep breathing picture to help you through your day... I hope you all are doing well today.
via MissWallFlower

Never let it be said that I don't keep my promises...

when I can.

So, here's some of the Getting Ready batch:

(I wish I had the professional pix, but I still don't... SisterJ is being flimsy with the sharing here, cuz she wants to make sure people see them with her first.)

So: Here's SisterJ at midnight, first picture on her actual wedding day.


And then SisterCh, protecting her hair (did you know "Up-dos stick better to dirty hair?" It's just one of the interesting things I've learned from this wedding), as she finally gets into the shower.


SisterK's hair looked like those ribbon candies, after it was all curled. I was jealous.




And petrified that I'd have to go with like a ponytail, because with an hour left to the wedding, Naomi, the woman who came to do our hair, still had 3 people left, including me. I kept trying to do the "As long as the bride looks good it'll be fine" mantra, but I was freaking out a little inside. Luckily, she zipped right through us final three. :sigh:

Here's 3/5 sisters getting what they could of their make-up on:



SisterJ is the one who knows how to do make-up and stuff. Which kinda sucked for her, as the bride spend some of her day putting on other people's make-up, but she seemed ok with it, since we all came out fancy-dancy.




Which isn't to say that she didn't get pampered a bit too:




Here she is hugging the Best Man, Kev's cousin, who dropped off a little note and present from the groom:


Which were some dazzling diamond & pearl earrings...



and you'll see just how gorgeous they look on, in the next little piece of this.

A get back on track Monday post....

Here's one of my favorites from the rehearsal dinner: Lil Girl and her bride bear, looking all angelic as we wait for the coordinator to finally let us practice. (SisterJ, the bride, was not looking all that angelic at this point, I have to say, and I didn't blame her: coordinator person, it would be nice if you were helpful instead of making things worse. A little tip from me to you.)

Hope to have a bunch of getting ready pics posted for you either tonight or tomorrow... I told you I'd try catching up!

Rehearsal Dinner: Pass the wine!

So then, after the rehearsal, we all went out to dinner and had a pretty good time. Here are some of the Best Shots from our little get together. Honestly, at this point in the festivities, people were still trying to be on their best behavior. But the stress, of trying to get everything finished by Saturday (this was Thursday night)? Oh, it was pretty heavy.

But here's the happy couple, and they did a good job of putting aside most of the pressure in order to have a good time. SisterJ's anxiety got a good strong hold on her when we'd first arrived at the church - mostly because of an annoying coordinator lady who was pretty damn unhelpful - but she'd managed to calm down a lot by the time we got to the restaurant.


My two nephews are four years and usually quite a few miles apart, but they still manage to get along pretty well. Here, in response to my request that they do 'something fun,' the pose as 'Secret Agent Spies,' which they continued to be for the next two days. Once they got their tuxes on? It was look out evil, here we come.

Here's Big (no longer Only, as I now have a Brother-In-Law!) Brother and Oldest Sister/SisterS. These two were the least... caught up in the wedding- brouhaha, and all it involved, and while I guess that was good for them, it wound up being pretty hurtful, in some ways for SisterJ. SisterS not only left the bachelorette party about halfway through, she set herself apart at the reception, secluded with her boyfriend, and then left early, even after SisterJ had told her she'd be hurt if she did Ah, the drama. Mostly, I don't understand SisterS as much as I can my other sisters - she's lived with her mom, and therefore apart from most of us, for various times in her life. She's also at a point in her life where she thinks a lot of things are a waste of time, energy and resources - unfortunately, this included what she called the 'overreactions' of SisterJ about stuff (relating to the wedding) that 'isn't really important.' I'm not saying that there wasn't a certain amount of obsession on the bride's part, when it came to the wedding and the details and all of that, I'm just saying that SisterS, and her lack of tact didn't exactly help things. She just didn't handle things well. But here, at least, she's having a good time.



Here's Dad, my new Brother-in-law, and his uncle, about 1 and a half bottles of wine into the night. Deep discussions, and at least 5 more bottles of wine and a bottle of lemoncello followed.




Obviously:


Now, neither Lil Girl or I were drinking, but we still had a good time ;)




Here's Big Brother and Sister K being sweet too (although I won't swear to how sober either of them may be)



SisterJ and her bosses, who had nothing but nice things to say about her. It's so weird, sometimes to see your younger sisters as adults. (Yes, I realize that's an odd thing to be saying when I'm talking about her wedding, but that's a whole 'nother issue.) I was so proud that these people, who'd stood by her during this really trying year, were able to see just what a great person she really is, issues aside.


And another great shot of the bride and groom, as the evening wrapped up.



Oh, there's tons more --> you can click on my flickr account if you're impatient, but I think I'll be getting around to them as time moves on, if you've got it in you to wait.

Up next, a few finishing touches & the getting ready craziness!

Oh, the moods I've been in

It's been a long tiring week, while my body does it's vicious dance with the germs that want to take up residence permanently. Aside from a fever that just wouldn't quit, my brain just couldn't stay connected to reality for more than, let's say 7 minutes at a time. If this week had had a theme it would've been something akin to "ugh."

So, I'm glad that it's over. I've declared that it's over, and my body is just going to follow along cuz I told it to (hahahahaha). Either way, I'm sick of thinking about it. So, how about some of the pictures I promised you instead?

I'm going to start with some really cool shots of the rehearsal dinner, b/c I'm organized like that. :D

This is our very gorgeous church: I honestly can't imagine getting married anywhere but here. In addition to being our childhood church, it's just really picturesque, so we kinda lucked out there.





Here's Dad, Lil Girl, Oldest Nephew, SisterS and SisterJ - The Bride on their way to get things started:


SisterJ & Dad practice their walk down the aisle (no tears for faux-wedding days!)


Here's the 3 loves of my heart: Oldest Nephew, Youngest Nephew & Lil Girl, all on their bestest behavior!


And the Happy Couple stops to pose on their way out of church.



The rehearsal at the church went quickly, we had kind of an annoying lady running us through it (she kept saying how in charge she was, but she really wasn't). SisterJ was feeling a little bit of anxiety, b/c the church people had screwed up some of the paperwork, but it went pretty well.

I'm going to stop by again later and show you all the rehearsal dinner highlights, keep my mind busy on something else for a while.

Well, Long Time No See

Here I am... alive and... well, not well, but alive! So that's always a plus!

Actually I am much improved: A very short story version of the time that has passed since I was here last is this: The wedding was fantastic, wonderful, fabulous, stressful, awesome, beautiful, powerful, great, and I am thoroughly embracing my role in the creation and enabling of that day and the real blessing that it was. I am also a big fat idiot. Because, as usual, I am unable to not just see the warning signals that my body is sending me, but also HEED them.

The intensity of the past, oh 8 months, combined with the hard push of the last let's say 5 weeks (Christening, 1st Communion, Shower, Bachelorette party, Rehearsal Dinner, Wedding plus planning and crafty times): Honestly, there were times in there that I was really congratulating myself on how far I had come, in the past three years or so, in order to be able to accomplish all that. And then there were other times when I knew I was going way to far and should have put the brakes on.

Like when I couldn't shake this stupid sinus infection that I've had since January. Oh, it went into hiding for a week or two here and there, but it hasn't been killed yet. It just decided to be sly for a bit, try to fool me.

Or the fact that I've had a rash since November that should've been cleared up with a few applications of a certain medicine. That's still here 9 months and 4 tubes of medication later.

Or the migraines that have been more frequent, or the fact that my pain level, even on the medication that slightly helps, was bumping up a notch or two from normal.

The sad part is that, for the most part, I expect to pay these prices: higher pain for more activities, less energy because I've used it all up, more headaches because I'm out in the world around all of the smells and sounds that cause the headaches. These are the consequences I am used to, ready for, and willing to put up with in order to do the things that are important to me. It's just a part of living with chronic illnesses that you have to accept: if you want to do things, you have to pay the price.

Well, the price was slightly higher this week than I had expected to pay, as I manged to downplay a pretty serious infection for the better part of a week, thinking it was just a typical post-party flare up. Flare up of pain, an increase in fevers, a sore throat that wouldn't quit. And, that's how I wound up in Urgent Care on Friday, and barely talked my way out of being hospitalized.

Because I just can't read my own body: It lies. Everything it tells me is misleading, and it's impossible to form conclusions based on past experiences.

Flare up of pain & exhaustion: yes, totally expected after all the heavy duty excursions in the past month. Dialing the pain up from a 8 to a 12... not exactly what I'd hoped for, but still: not totally unexpected. (And so, another warning sign missed.) Because...

Higher than normal temps: Also expected - inflammation makes my temps higher and my pain worse. PLUS I was around all those people, and all those people were kind enough to share their germs with me and my 'can't fight off invader cells' immune system was trying to work overtime to help me out. Not unexpected either (and yet... you've got an abnormally low temperature, normally... so if the thermometer is reading over 100 degrees... you're kind of in trouble. Stop pretending that you're not... that's like 102 for normal people)...

And a sore throat? Run of the mill, for me. Can't remember a pain free day, or a soothed throat, anymore. 14 years later, it's hard to recall that there used to be times you could wake up and not have to think about all the reasons you should keep on going in spite of how much it hurts. (But wait... do you realize that you're wheezing? More than a little? And that you have been unable to swallow food for like.. days now? Soup broth ain't cutting it, sister... Call the doctor)

And so I did, as my fever climbed higher and my tonsils decided to once again meet in the middle (I am an evil spirit, apparently, keeping those two destined soul-mates from their true loves) and my pain became so great that I was forced to wish it was just a normal 8 or 9 day for me. And guess what: Surprise surprise, I have a huge freaking infection! In my tonsils! And my chest! And my sinuses! And am seriously dehydrated! And dangerously feverish! Fabulous! And also... insane for having waited this long.

But here's the thing: when you're expecting to suffer, it's hard to know when you've crossed the line. At least for me. Suffering is part of my world, I keep it tabulated in my everyday columns: trying to figure out a balance I can live with. So when something like this happens, it's hard to say "oh, well... this is more than I thought it would be, it could be something different." Because the prices? They're subject to change without warning or notification, and this is certainly not the first time I've had to pay more than my fair share.

But I am doing MUCH better now: got myself hooked up to some strong antibiotics and fabulous drugs (ok, not fabulous drugs - steroids and lidocaine for my throat, which don't exactly suck, and some opioid for the pain which are laughingly slight, but I'll take what I can get) and the thermometer no longer does that obnoxious "You're on fire" beeping, as evidenced by the fact that I can string words together in fairly cohesive sentences (mostly). (I'm even back under normal: take that stupid germs!) My tonsils are still doing their best impression of Siamese twins, but we're working on that.

And still? If I knew then what I know now: that I'd have to pay this price in order to be there for my family at all those important times? I'd do the same thing, I suppose. (Although maybe a little bit smarter next time? Hopefully? Please???)

So, that's the long story (supposedly made short), and I'll end just by saying that the wedding was really wonderful and I had a great time, and I'm going to get pictures posted here ASAP. Because I refuse to think about my tonsils anymore, and because I want to share the happiness with all of you. (Or... anybody that's still here anyways - blog posts were definitely one of the first victims in the "I have absolutely no more energy for anything extra" run up to the wedding. But I'm hoping to have more to say and things to share for a while now. Yay!)

Randomosity

10 days is still not two weeks... and I forgot that they meant 'business days' when they said weeks... So I am still laptop-less - It was indeed the fan that had stopped working: it will indeed cost me about $200 to fix it. I have indeed paid them and am waiting oh so patiently to get it back. End of laptop update.

Medically, things are taking unexpected turns. Well, unexpected for anybody else... just normal "oh my sweet Jesus what now" turns for me. Yesterday's appointment with Zach included blood tests for West Nile Virus, an appointment to have the ENT use a 'vacuum like apparatus' on my sinuses (oh joy), and the discovery of some lymph node issues that, because Zach likes to use a totally different dictionary than the rest of the normal world, he called 'compelling and possibly key.' In English, though, they were potentially troubling spots that need to be followed up with yet another CT scan and a PET scan. So next week filled up with appointments rather quickly as well, which isn't exactly awesome because I've got other stuff that needs to get accomplished. But we do what we have to, I suppose.

Some of the other stuff I have to get accomplished this week include my last bridesmaid's dress fitting (Tuesday), actually coming up with something for the bachelorette party, probably a lot of cursing at the rest of the bridal party for not actually, you know... helping, and various other wedding related things. Also, the twins are being christened this Sunday, so there's that. And I needed to shop for something, but it's lost in the recesses of my mind at present. OH: and Thursday is Blogging Against Disabilism Day, and I have pledged a post. (And will have to make time to wander the rest of the posts in the days that follow). Then next Saturday is Youngest Nephew's First Communion, as well as his 8th birthday party. Yup: Starting Sunday, the train of days moves quickly for us here at NTE's house ~ in a echo to the clumping phenomenon of the fall & winter, May seems to be jam packed with things this year.

And they're all a little bittersweet, each new milestone or happy occasion that we're observing without Nana. It's tough, but we're hanging in. I'm hanging in. Yesterday's appointment with Zach was difficult, because it was the first time we'd been back to the office since she'd died, and everyone wanted to pass along their condolences, to talk about how nice she was to them, or how much they appreciated my letters after her death. I found myself having to look away from people's eyes, to keep myself from crying. It's been a couple of weeks (since the shower) since I had to do that, which I suppose is a good sign. I just know these next few weeks will be tough, a bunch of firsts and familiars, and yet they'll all be different this time. Hmmm... not what we expected.

But life never is, is it?

So: that's a post chock full of information & random topics... to make up for the past few weeks of nearly nothing. And, if you're lucky, I'll post some pictures later, show you some of the stuff we've been working on for the wedding.

Happy Thursday, all... Miss you!

TWO weeks???

Well I took the laptop to the Geek Squad today, and they kept it. I was very sad to let it go (AGAIN!!), but hopefully, it will be a quick repair and then they'll send it back to me all working and spiffy. Since the fan had stopped running at all, I decided all my software improvements (updating the BIOS, for example) were for naught, and brought it to some people who might actually know what they are doing. BUT they said it'd cost money (duh~ of course my warranty expired again in January!) and that it may take 2 weeks to a month (to unscrew the little screws, take out the fan and put in a new fan? Who knows...) So I am stuck trying to finagle some time on the home computer, which means sitting up and all, which I am not particularly good at (something about this posture makes my neck and back start hurting even more quickly), so posting may be scarce. Like it already has been for the past two weeks, when I was hoping for some sort of fan-revival miracle. BUT I do appreciate you all checking in, and I will check in as I can... I may even resort to physically writing out posts and then typing them up, because when I am computer less, I think of a million things to talk about. So, we'll see how it goes.

In other news, yes: the shower was demanding and exhausting, but it was also fun. The wedding is 33 days from today, so all of the last minute type stuff is rushing at us. Like: Finding a bra. Hello? Large chested person? Get a bra that actually fits, will you??? That's Wednesday's mission... I'd rather refuse to accept that particular mission, but we do what we must.

I have my first appt with Zach since Nana died next week (it got rescheduled twice: once by me, once by him), and I'm feeling a little awkward. I'm mostly doing ok with the whole thing, but wonder if seeing him might be a little teary... for me or for mom. Nothing for it though, because I definitely need some better pain management going here... all these extra tasks I'm trying to fit in, and my body is complaining loudly. I had two 10 days last week... it is not something I need to be repeating, that's for sure. Although it did make me realize it's been a while since I've had a five or a six day. Mostly I'm living at 7-9, and that's not a great place to be, I assure you. (Sorry, re-reading that that may make no sense to you: on a 1-10 scale, ten being the highest, rate your pain. That's how the docs always do their evaluations.)

So... recap: laptop-less, but not totally computer-less. Wedding stuff is progressing, and there's a bunch of details to follow through on. Love you guys, and will try to write as often as possible. Pain sucks. The end.

Hello My Lovelies!

Laptop is still being uncooperative, but I managed to get back here again, so I thought I'd check in.

I wanted to tell you how the shower went last Saturday, in case you were waiting with baited breath.

Honestly? It went rather well... my co-hostesses were a bit lax in the whole "you have to introduce yourself to people" arena, but other than that, and a mini-post crash, I think things went awesome.

SisterJ and her fiance seemed a little bit surprised (although I'm not entirely sure they were), and most importantly, everybody had fun. So that's good.

How about some photographic proof of said fun? I thought you might like that...

Here we are in the car... I'm taking pictures because we're running late. AGAIN. And I'm trying not to go crazy. (I am an early bird, in a family of never-on-time-s.) That's Sister Y, Oldest Nephew, & Sister Ch...



Lil Girl, hiding for the chance to say 'surprise;'

Here are the soon to be Mr. & Mrs. playing a who knows who best game:

Can you guess who's winning?




Then there were some presents:





We did cake smooshing, because Sister J is VERY MUCH OPPOSED to doing it at the wedding...




Which turns out to be a good thing.


There's a few more still to come, but overall, I thought it went really well! (Note to self, however: if you're planning on playing games, bring pencils. Don't leave them on your desk.)

(You can click on over to my Flickr Stream to see more: if we're not friends, let's be!)

Ah, the details...

of being Maid of Honor are many.

But, they're also giving me some place to focus frustratingly unshut-up-able brain cells, so that's a plus.


I thought you might to hear some of the stuff that's buzzing around in my head re: the shower. If only because it's not entirely sad and depressing, which is a change of pace from our recent fare.


First off, here's a (slightly edited) version of our invitation -



Our theme is "a Perfect Pear," but only because I couldn't find any penguins that we could use as favors/centerpieces. (Penguins mate for life, apparently. Or, if they do not, my sister believes that they do, and she and her fiance call each other "Pengy" sometimes. They'd really be quite sickening if I weren't over the moon happy for them.)

Sister Ch scoped out some fabulous (rather large) glass pears at the Christmas Tree Shoppe (nice and cheap), and we're putting in pear jelly beans and a pair of pears, along with a little tag that says "J & K: A perfect pear." (I told you about the sickening sweet, didn't I?)


Things are moving along: the bill & final count is due next week, at the country club we're having the party at. The other bridesmaids voted against me (and SisterCh) and decided that having at a fancier place, but paying for set up and clean up would be better than having it at a less fancy place but having to do more of the work ourselves. Honestly? I didn't really care one way or the other. I just want the day to go well, and feel like if it doesn't, I will feel horrible for having ruined the whole thing. (I'm kinda sad like that: if things go well, I do not exactly rush to take credit, but when they fall apart, I'm right there with my hand held high. What's with that? IDK, but it's probably not for this post, since I promised not to be depressing.

In an effort to fight against that urge, though, I will tell you that I designed the invitation on my own. It's actually pretty easy, since I'm in love with Photoshop, but I still think it came out rather good.)

We're going to have games (although we're not 100% set on which ones yet), and cake smooshing, which I think is rather sensible, since Sister J is dead set against it at the wedding (what with the money she'll have spent on her hair and makeup), and Fiance is very much for it. I figure giving him his shot at smooshing cake in her face is a fabulous way to make sure he has a good time, anyways. And she won't care, because she's not like that, ordinarily.


Here's some of the info I just sent out to the other girls, to give 'em a nudge.

Hi! I just looked at the calendar just now, and noticed that the shower is.. you know two weeks from Saturday. Hello: time is moving too quickly!

I am going to order the favors this weekend, but we're up to 40 something right now, and there's only a few question marks, so we'll definitely come in under 60 people, so that's good.
We have to order the food next week (once we have the final count), as well as a cake (for smooshing & eating purposes), and then the total bill will be due right before the party.


Then I talked a lot of "show me the money," which I expect to be an issue. Because it always is. And these are my sisters I am talking about.

These are the favors we decided on for the wedding, though: how cute are they? And also? Because they're usable (everybody uses magnets!) they're much less likely to wind up in the trash or in the back of someone's closet. Mum has started packing up some of the stuff we almost never use, even though we aren't moving anytime soon, and unearthed a rather large collection of shower/party related ephemera that made me realize that a lot of this stuff is just more junk. People don't want more junk, but they do want something, so I thought this would be good.

So that's the latest from shower central: What's news or exciting where y'all are?

I know there are times that I have felt less like posting, but I must be blocking them out, because they were so horrid.

In point of fact, I have missed you all, but when you have the walking pneumonia, the tonsils the size of baby turtles, the sinus infection that will. not. die. And you add all of those things onto the fact that I was in exile because of the PUS and therefore not at least miserable and at home, well, you might say that I just didn't quite get around to saying all the things I've had to say.

Or, that I said them, but because they were covered in mucus, I thought it best not to share them with all of you.

You're welcome.

I am much improved (well, much improved for me anyways), and my nearly three weeks of exile has come to a semi-end. I am home again, just stuck in our own parlor, as the painting that was supposed to take place on the porch (above and behind my bedroom) actually wound up taking place in the hallway (directly above my bedroom) and my room still smells like paint.

You can just imagine, I am sure, the cheery, happy, mucus-covered thoughts I have been directing towards the PUS. Ahhh... if only thoughts could kill. Or maim. I'd settle for maiming.

Our couch, at the very least, is in closer proximity to my millions of lists of things that still need to get done. Not that I am really accomplishing any of them (certain blog friends who have birthdays this week may want to wait awhile before checking the mail for their cards, for example), but I'm physically closer to them, and that's a start.

Isn't it?

Meanwhile, I have been catching up with all of you... and if any of you are catching up here: Hallo! It is the middle of March! Already! And there's a wedding shower I'm supposed to throw in three weeks! Would you kindly tell me why nobody knows what RSVP means anymore????

Wasn't that a nice welcome back?

:)

All over the place

SisterJ (the bride-to-be) has had, in the past 10 or so years, at least one bout with serious depression. She's been battling it again for the past year or so, in combination with anxiety, and trying different meds to find the right cocktail for her brain. It has been a frustrating, and, at times frightening, process - with physical and mental side effects that have caused major problems. One pill made her throw up all the time; another took away the anxiety but made her hyper. Her current meds are controlling the anxiety to a point (she's now experiencing a sort of social phobia), but the depression is roaring away, unchecked.

I know all of this, but when your sister sits you down and tells you that, if she and her fiance could afford it, she would commit herself because she's afraid she'll hurt herself - well, there's really just no way to be prepared for that.

Her doctor has advised her to take 2 weeks medical leave from work, while she tries again to adjust her meds (adding another pill, subtracting one, fudging with another's dosage), so that she can do so in a less stressful environment. That would be nice, if we were in a perfect world, but even the idea of it just added to SisterJ's stress and fear - how would they be able to afford that? Would her boss fire her just for asking, considering she certainly hasn't been doing her best work in the past month or two? If she got fired, not only couldn't she afford her doctor and her meds, but they couldn't afford to live in their condo. You can see how this may not exactly be the most comforting of thoughts.

But she did have some vacation days that she could use, and she has Monday off anyways, so she went into a meeting with her immediate supervisor today, prepared to use her three vacation days and an unpaid day, giving her all of next week off. The meeting went just as badly as she feared it would - yes, they had all noticed that her work has been sub par, and she's now on probation, having to report in at all times during the day. Supervisor was not happy about her taking next week off because of health issues. She is one step away from being fired, and there's little hope that she'll come off that step positively, no matter how much they like her or the job she'd been doing before things took a turn for the worse.

She arrived at our house in tears, and wouldn't tell us what was wrong right away. We played with the baby, distracted her for a bit, and then, when her fiance got off work, she started to tell us. About how much worse the depression is right now. About how she's had serious suicidal thoughts. About how worried she is all the time and how it seems overwhelming and never ending and unbearable. About her doctor's advice, her plans for next week, her horrible meeting with her supervisor.

And we talked and cried and laughed and tried to make plans - what she needs us to do (just listen; let her cry if she needs to; remind her that there's hope still), what her fiance needs us to do (be available whenever he needs to talk; listen to what he needs to say), what they need to do for us (keep in contact; stop hiding things; ask for help), and then they went home for the night.

About 10 minutes ago, she called me in tears and my heart plummeted. But these were happy tears - she failed to mention that after the horrible meeting with her supervisor, she'd gone to see the big boss, (it's a small company - there's the two partners/big bosses, her supervisor, then SisterJ and people below her) to let her know exactly what was going on. She explained what she hadn't been able to say to her supervisor - about the depression and her doctor's advice, about the paralysing fear and inability to feel like anything actually matters - and her boss set up a meeting for the Monday she returns with all four (two big bosses, supervisor, & SisterJ) of the main players, so they can move on from there. She was sympathetic and appreciated that SisterJ came in to tell her about it.

Apparently, after SisterJ got home and checked her work e-mail, she had a message from the big bosses that said that they think she should follow her doctor's orders and take the two weeks that she recommends. They'll cover the extra week, paid, because they have faith in her & because they value her as an employee, and want her to be able to stay and be a part of their company.

If I had their number, I would call them right now, regardless of how unprofessional it would be. I would send flowers, or trek over there to hug them myself: SisterJ called me crying because she couldn't believe that people could be so nice. That something good like this could actually happen to her.

(Hello, I'm depression - I will now convince you that you are worthless: always have been, always will be. I will terrorize you until you think that the world consists only of pain and heartbreak, and that your only shot at avoiding this horrendous torture for eternity is to remove yourself from the playing field completely. And immediately. And you will believe me in all things, because that's the way I work.)


And they, just by virtue of being nice people, by doing something that feels right to them, have put a little piece of hope and happiness in my sister's heart.

At this point, they could declaw cats for kicks, and they'd still be some of my favoritest people on the planet.


It may still be a far cry from a perfect world, but these two people are doing there best to help us get there.



Two other notes -

First, I've noticed a lack of positive posts here lately, and am attempting to make myself focus on some of the better things that are going on, so you all get to share in those too. They are here, I promise.

Second, my family has a rather large history of depression (and at least one suicide attempt), I myself have suffered as a result of chronic illness, and still, I find that I'm not sure if what I'm saying is the 'right' thing. I know a lot of the 'wrong' things to stay clear of ("Just smile!" or "Think positively" being two of the tops there), but I'd still appreciate your wisdom here. If you've suffered from depression, what were some of the things people around you did/said that helped or hurt? If you've loved someone with depression, what are some of the things you think I should know? Of course, I am doing my research (yay Internet!), but I know you all are pretty much interpersonal geniuses (see "Why is it so hard?"), and always have something useful to say. Thanks in advance!

Things that are worrying me about the wedding (episode 1)

(of probably 1113 episodes)

We're 227 days and counting away from my sister's wedding, the save the dates are in the mail right now, and the number of things I have to worry about in regards to it seems to be ever expanding. But for today, I'd like to focus on this -

I can't remember the last time I was outside of my house (and expected to be social) past, like, 7:30 at night. Usually by around that time, the pain and fatigue and achiness and dizziness have all worn me out, and I'm not up to my normal, fake-believe-everything-is-ok levels. And this wedding starts at 5:30. After what I'm sure will be a very full day.

So, I'm a bit concerned. Because, even though I am good at delegating, I will still need to be doing some things, such as keeping Sister J sane and the rest of the bridesmaids focused, and that's before all the intense stuff.

And, the thing is that my disease(s) are pretty are changeable, so even though I was in my roommate's wedding back in 2001, my cousin's in 2002, and two separate cousins for each of the following two years, I'm not the same kind of sick now as I was for any of them, so past experience isn't really helping me out too much here. I mean, I know I'll have to do what I can laying down in the days and weeks before, and on the day of especially (or else disasters will occur, and if there's anything worse than being 'the bride's sick sister,' it's being 'the bride's sick sister who passed out in the middle of their vows' or, even better, 'the bride's sick sister we had to call the ambulance for'... Shudder.); I know I'll have to be taking all my meds and have emergency meds for pain and breathing and all sorts of stuff on my person at all times (or, rather, on my chair at all times); I know better than to take even a sip of champagne, what with all the meds; I know enough to cross everything not absolutely necessary off the to-do list in the weeks leading up to and the month or so following the date; I also know that there'll be stress and stress is not good for me, so I've got to remember to take it slow and keep eating healthy, or things will be worse.

And, I know, that I'll fake what I can because that's what I have to do to get through it. And that I'll have fun at the same time, because that's the kind of multitasking people with chronic illnesses are awesome at!

But, since I don't actually know how I'll do at night, I think I'm going to do a trial run at the surprise party for one of my (other) cousins this Saturday. It's much more low-key than a wedding, but it's late, it's loud, it's all of the things that I'm going to have to deal with come May, so I'm going to make the effort and give it a shot. Of course, it's Tuesday, so my plans could totally change by Saturday (stupid sinus infection needs to listen to its antibiotic friends and DIE!), but for now, I've just made my first after dark outing plans at least 2 years. Yay!