Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Where I went, and why I went

First the where - Literally? Nowhere.  Still here. Still in bed, most days, on the computer, wandering through the internets trying to make connections, or feel connected, or stay connected.  Mostly, I've been Twittering and Tumbling, and you can find me there even when this space is silent. Usually: typical 'in case of flares, all bets are off' rules apply there as well, however.

As to the why it's been so quiet here, in this first space I carved out for myself on the internet oh so many years ago (coming up on the 8th anniversary in a few weeks!) now, well, as always, that's more complicated.  Part of it is that I've been feeling overwhelmed, which is when the creative part of my brain just shuts right the hell down. And writing words becomes more like trying to pick through the trash and put together an edible meal: there may be something in the heap that's not gross, but a) it's tainted by it's location and b) who has the energy to wade through all the garbage first? Obviously not me. 

Other contributing factors include trying to squeeze in as much of summer with the kiddos as I could; getting dumped by my primary care doctor for being "too complicated" and then having to put in all the effort of finding a new doctor and having to explain all the complicated crap (by which I mean my body, my life and my lack of health) to him; being supportive of other people and trying to eek out a little support of my own; feeling really horrible about my own emotions and jealousies and trying to convince myself that I am not a complete shrew for feeling left behind or lost; and ignoring the fact that anniversary of my grandmother's death was quickly approaching (and by ignoring , I obviously mean obsessing over ). So, you know, feel good, happy times!

In all honesty, there were some feel good happy times - SisterCh's baby shower went really well; we taught LilGirl how to play poker; my mom signed up to take a nursing course, which is like hallelujah! awesome, as it is a first step away from some life-freezing depression for her; and, in a surprise development, my Soon-to-be-Sister-in-law (of 13 years) is no longer 'soon to be': She and my brother eloped over the weekend! It was just the two of them and the two kids, plus my cousin who is licensed to perform weddings. It was, most definitely, a surprise for all of us.  But I'm happy for them, and can see the lure of skipping out on all the stress and brouhaha that can lead up to a big fancy wedding.  (Although, would it have killed them to just be like "hey guess what? jump in the car and meet us?" Ack, well: to each their own.)

So it hasn't been a complete bust of a month, just that all of those things were few and far between, and the rest of the days were filled with meds that made me feel worse and a brain that couldn't stop counting down, and just a general feeling of ick.

But the day I was dreading came, and went, and it wasn't as awful as it could have been - given my brother's happy news, and the fact that they came over to share it.  But not before I, like a dope, thinking to let myself wallow in the sadness of the day decided to read The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, a book I'd been studiously avoiding for the past year because everybody kept telling me how sad it was.  AND THEY WERE RIGHT.

Reading a super-sad book on a super-sad day? Was not consolidating my sadness, but compounding it. 

Note to self: don't do that again.  Ever. 

Note to self part two: Please also try not to go complete radio silence in your own damn blog for nigh on a month, either, okay?  I mean, I just assume that there are people still reading (I know analytics don't really matter because you have to go to the page for that, and  - if you are anything like me - you are just reading this in your reader (probably Feedly), and clicking J as soon as you're done. I mean do people still go to individual blogs and check them? I don't know how you'd do that.  But hi there, feed-readers!  Thanks for not unsubscribing! Click through and comment any time your little heart desires!) and I like to think I'm keeping up my end of the bargain. 

 Now I should probably find out what you give your blog on its 8th anniversary, and think about what comes next.