Things I am not

1) Secretary = WHY am I the only one who can answer the phone here? Why is it that people can't tell their boyfriends that they aren't going to be home so that they don't call and ask me "Is J there?" or "Do you know what time M will be home?" No; No, I don't know. And what's more? I don't really care either. I am not in charge of their social calendars, nor do I want to be.

2) Walking dictionary = There are such things as dictionaries: They are books in which you can find the spellings and meanings of various words. Here is how you can tell the difference between me and them - I am not a book. And I will spit at you if you ask me how to spell something else today (unless you are 6: if you are six, I will respond kindly and help you complete your birthday thank you notes - but you must be 6).

3) House IT = Listen, I'll admit that I am semi-computer literate. But I don't know how to fix your 7 year old computer when it goes blue screen; we've already talked about this. And no, I don't really know how much memory you need to illegally copy DVD's - and no, you can't try it on my laptop. And, yes, I do know how to search the internet. No, I won't search it for you. No, I won't book your trip to some fabulous place that I can't go.

4) Thin = I tried on clothes today. It was horrible - I seriously considered trying on maternity clothes, as they were much cuter than the fat people clothes. Why are fat people clothes ugly? Old Navy has cute (ish) & comfy bigger outfits. But they are not dressy enough for a wedding. Which I have to go to TOMORROW!!! I will be wearing, who knows what. Parts of other people's old outfits, it looks like.

5) Happy = I am very conflicted about going to this wedding - on the one hand, I will see PEOPLE! Friend-type people! That I haven't seen in a while! On the other, there will be smells, and pain (during and post), and exhaustion, and meds to take that will screw me up even more, and just too many things to have to think about.

I can not simply GO to a wedding.

I have to think about all these stupid things that I don't want to think about.

I have to think about whether or not I will be able to breathe in a church full of flowers and people who forgot that perfume is not for bathing.
I have to think about how sore I will get sitting in my stupid wheelchair for more than five minutes, and how I will need to take meds before that will make me feel loopy.
I need to think about how much pain I will be in afterwards, how I won't be able to make it even to the bathroom for a few days, and whether or not it is worth all that effort just to see some friends.
I have to think about how depressed I will be if I talk myself out of going because some bad things might (ok, will) happen.
I have to think about What if the baby is born on Sunday or Monday or Tuesday and I am too tired to get out of bed? And I will miss my first niece's first day on the planet.
I have to think about why I am being so bitchy to people who haven't done anything except try to help me figure all this shit out.


6)Giving Up I know that this is just for today. This is just right now. I do not always feel this way. But tonight, it sucks.