I am feeling.... Off.
It may be the fact that the air has turned to soup outside, necessitating the return of the dreaded air conditioners. I cannot breathe without the air conditioners, but I hate hate hate living with them. They are loud. Their droning makes it impossible to understand what anyone is saying if they are more than three steps away from you. We have to turn all the ringers back on the phones, making them loud enough to startle the sleeping baby (or the reading Auntie). And you have to close all the windows & doors (um... duh?), which makes me feel even more disconnected from the outside world.
It may be the fact that my stupid wheelchair broke - again. My chair is nine years old now: this fact depresses me immeasurably.
It was originally bought as a stopgap - a concession to my mother as I went away to college. I was firmly ensconced in my denial at the time: yes, I was crawling from room to room of the house. Yes, I was unable to walk three steps unassisted. Yes, I was frequently passing out and falling down. Yes, I had concussed myself more than once. No, that did not mean I would need a wheelchair to get around college. Why not? Because I did not want one. I honestly can't imagine what I thought I was going to do once I got to school, considering the fact that I couldn't even get out of the car on my own, but I was adamant: NO WHEELCHAIR! And then, my mum sat me down and pointed out all the things I already knew. She reminded me that I hadn't made it through high school without riding in an ambulance more than once (because of my falls), and wouldn't it be better to be the "girl in the wheelchair" than the "girl who crawls to the bathroom" or the "girl who we called the ambulance for again?" So I got a wheelchair.
And it has broken about 16 times in the past nine years (oh... There are stories there, M_A_N_Y stories... But, they're not today's). But does MassHealth (our state medicare, my only insurance) want to let me have a new one? No, they do not. Oh, they might wind up paying for it, but a prescription from my doctor? That's not enough. They need him to fill out this form, me to fill out that one. And the first 6 stores they told us accepted MassHealth? No longer do. The hospital supply store? Doesn't either. I could order it, and maybe, just maybe, this could take 6-8 weeks. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? I'm not quite sure, but you can bet that I thought twice before returning the wheelchair at Target the other day... then I figured I'd paid by check, and they'd be able to track me down.
It may be the fact that, since the baby was born, our whole schedule has been screwed up: Youngest nephew's Mum is on maternity leave, so we're no longer his primary afterschool care. But that doesn't mean they won't be over here: no, it just means we can't plan on him being here. They might decide to stop by, and stay till 9 at night. Or just pop in for dinner. Or a nap. I am a schedule type of girl (more out of necessity, really: I need to know when to conserve energy and when to use it up), this is really throwing me.
It may just be that I am, once again, fed up with myself. I'm sick of this whooole thing, and sometimes it just wears me out. I don't want to read, or eat, or watch t.v. - I want to be well (and thin). I want to go shopping and dancing or gambling or maybe be a contestant on Jeopardy (hell, if I'm skinny, I won't mind having my picture taken).
My horoscope said I would fall in love today "just for the fun of it."
I'm thinking it couldn't be more wrong.