Your biggest challenge isn’t someone else. It’s the ache in your lungs and the burning in your legs, and the voice inside you that yells ‘CAN’T’.

But you don’t listen, you just push harder. And then you hear the voice whisper ‘can’, and you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are.” - Author Unknown


I think I need to start a diet - a distraction diet. I keep trying to figure things out: figure out my life, and all the different moving parts that go into it, and I can only concentrate on it for so long before I turn on the tv or pick up a book or wander through my Google Reader. None of which is a bad thing on its own, but when I'm constantly using them to shut off my thoughts, that can't be a good thing, can it?

I'm torn because, on the one hand I feel like it's all too much and utterly overwhelming, so shutting it down for a little bit is a good idea. And on the other I feel like maybe if I just sat with it all for a little while longer - overwhelming or not - I might eventually get to the point where I can figure out how to change something. As it is, once something starts to feel uncomfortable, emotionally, I kind of panic and find something else to focus on as soon as possible. And I don't think that's going to solve anything.

I know that part of it is the physical aspect of it all - if my physical pain is already so high, when something new starts to make itself known - physical or emotional - I try to shut it down so that it doesn't all swamp me at once. But this is only a good short term solution, because it's all still there waiting to be dealt with, and while I am a master at distraction - would you like me to organize your books in color order or find an online recipe for how to make food yummy if you can't have salt? - eventually, it's just me and my babbling brain again at some point.

I don't think anybody likes to sit and be uncomfortable. But I think I need to allow myself to just focus on that a little bit more, because ignoring all my issues is certainly not making them disappear.

There are so many of them, though, and just one of me. Trying to get them to take turns, or to prioritize themselves is also an impossible task, I'm finding. So the more crowded it gets, and the more important things become, and the more I just think "There's too much and I don't know where to start" and turn on the computer instead.

That's why my lists (I told you last week how I wrote lists for hours, right?) are turning out to be so important - if I can break smaller goals down into tiny to do lists, why wouldn't it work for humongous life goals too? It's got to right?

And the first thing on all of those life goal lists? Is going to be figure out what the hell you want to do with your life, because it ain't this.

And even just thinking that, even typing it, makes me want to panic, because, "well, I'm sick and I can't make plans, and the things I really want in life, like a family or a job or a relationship are so SO far from where I am right now, and it's got to be impossible to get from here to there and I don't even have the energy to lift that pile of books that's been sitting on my floor for three weeks so that I can put it away, let alone try to change the whole course of my life." Etc etc. And all that's somewhat true, and all that's very scary, but it's also part of what's keeping me where I don't want to be. I need to try to get past what I keep telling myself is wrong - all those little voices in my head that keep telling me I can't do any of this change thing I want to do so badly, and figure out what things I really can or can't do, if I give it my full attention, my full commitment and my full power.

Yes, I need to be realistic, because there isn't any way in hell I'm running a marathon (although this has never been, and will never be, a goal of mine), or even walking into the next room, right now, but there have to be somethings that I am just too afraid to try and that might possibly work out. I know there are, I can feel them out there, just waiting for me to try for them.

I don't know about physical goals, because my health makes those very dicey, and it's so hard to know which options I should take and which I should pass on. For example, should I start PT again, knowing how badly it went the last three times (major crashes)? Because I'm in a semi-stable state right now, and I have to decide to either a) use that momentum and all of the knowledge I have from my last PT attempts - about how not to push things, and how best to move my body - and hope that it helps this time or b) focus on something else because I don't want things to get worse, and, judging by past results, PT makes things worse. It's a real conundrum, and I don't want to make the wrong decisions, so I just ... don't decide anything and time passes, and nothing changes.

So physical goals are tricky, but I can't let that keep me from setting some. Personal goals are proving to be quite challenging to pin down as well, and the patience other people are always telling me I have seems to abandon me when I am dealing with myself, my own life and issues and problems. But I'm working on it.

I feel overwhelmed, and confused, and stuck, and like every little decision I make is both useless and potentially life changing, all at the same time. But maybe this is how I'm supposed to feel. Maybe figuring things out - major things about what you want your life to mean and how you're going to give it meaning - is supposed to be uncomfortable. I don't believe in the whole "no pain, no gain" maxim, because I've had a whole lot of pain with very little gain in my life, and because adding to that pain seems both irresponsible and ridiculous, but maybe being uncomfortable with who I am for a little while will be beneficial in the end, because it's the only way I'm going to be able to change things. If I continue to look away every time there's something I don't want to face about myself, then nothing is going to change, and nothing is going to get better, and I want things to, so I'm going to just do it as much and as often as I can.

But it's harder than I thought it would be, that's for sure.

"Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open,

and rules are flexible -- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family." - Virginia Satir


If you've been here for a while, then you know that I don't do New Year's Resolutions. I never really did, because I know how my brain works: I spend a lot of time coming up with resolutions, figuring out ways to accomplish them, figuring out ways to avoid accomplishing them, and then feeling guilty about breaking them. It's a vicious cycle that takes place approximately 742 times throughout the year, so I don't need an extra, mandatory date to create issues for myself.

Instead, taking a cue from Spoon Theory creator Christine Miserando, I pick one word that I try to focus on over the course of the year.

In 2008, the word was closer.
Last year, even though I didn't declare it here, the word I kept coming back to was breathe, especially since the year started off with us not knowing where we were going to be living, and then I spent 4.5 months in limbo at my Grandmother's house. Reminding myself - when I felt like I was accomplishing nothing, or that I was wasting time - that all that was absolutely required of me was breathing in and out, was a great help.

This year, I've put a lot of thought into a word that actually A) means something and B) will be easily applied (see cycle of resolutions above if you were wondering why it has to be simple). Some of the contenders were Truth, Choice, and Balance, all of which were good, but none of which seemed to be the perfect choice.

The word I came up with is Worth.

Looking at the definition of worth, I was pleased to see its roots are from Middle English, meaning to "become". Nowadays, it means the quality of something, the value of it. Something's equivalent. Something that is "good or important enough to justify" ie "advice worth taking; a place worth visiting". It can mean "excellence of character" or the esteem it deserves/garners, its "usefulness or importance". It's not just about monetary or material riches, but wealth of a different sort as well.


This year I'm going to focus on what things are worth, in a real and honest way. I'm going to think about what things are equal to, where excellence is actually found, and whether or not I'm truly valuing that excellence.

I need to be honest in ascribing worth - to things (Am I holding on to junk? Am I stockpiling things instead of valuing what I already have?); to people (Is it really worth another argument? Am I giving certain relationships their due or shortchanging them?); to time (What am I really spending time on vs what I want to spend time on. What is my time worth to me - and how can I show other people it's value?); to everyday actions (Is the taste of what I am eating worth the consequences for eating it? Is staying up all night typing the best way to be worth something in the morning? Since I know I won't take my pills regularly if I don't fill in those little days, isn't it worth it to fill in those little days even though I hate that job?); to the type of person I am trying to be (Am I trustworthy? Am I worth the effort it requires to be my friend? Am I sharing the true me with people who have proven worthy, or am I holding back?)... There are a million areas I need to look at in my life, a million places I could be putting what little energy I have to better use. So I'm going to try to be constantly asking myself... Is this worth it? What is this worth?

I think that living with chronic illnesses is all about asking this question - that there's so often a give and take, that there are so many reactions for every action. And, after a certain point, it gets overwhelming. It's scary, having to think every little thing through. It's frightening not knowing what the consequences for certain things will be. But that's not just living with a chronic illness, that's living. Period. So I have to stop being so passive about certain things, I have to start accepting the fact that the way I live - in the here and now, and the day to day - is my life, and I want to be doing as much of the choosing as I possibly can. So I need to start deciding what things are worth, what I am worth and how I can be more worthy.

It's funny, because I find that these keywords, or themes, or whatever you want to call them tend to stick with me. I still find myself asking "Does this bring me closer to my goals?" "Am I remembering to breathe?" has become almost a motto at this point. So I hope that focusing on the worth of my efforts & actions will become second nature to me by this time next year.

That seems as good a goal as any.

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Definitions for worth via Merriam Webster dictionary & Dictionary.com

Little update...

Thanks for the well wishes, guys: I really appreciate it.

It's been kind of crazy here this week, and I'm feeling more than a bit worn out today. So far the post-move flare has not been ferocious, amping things up only a notch or two as far as pain goes. Which, of course, is horrible. If your pain goes from an 8 to a 9, that's a big deal. But, I had so feared a 10+++++, that I think I'm dealing pretty well with what I've actually got.

I do have a comfy, cozy new bed to retreat to, which has been helpful. (I even wrote a post about it, and if I can get my crap together long enough today to take a picture, I'll post it.) I am slowly adjusting to the new smells and sounds, which has been difficult. As far as sound goes, it's mostly just a lot of "Holy crap - who slammed that door? Is that someone coming in the porch, or just the floor creaking? Why is the bathroom right next to my room?" and new street noises like fools who set off fire works after 10:00 at night. Not so big a deal, really.

But the smells, oh the smells. There's the "odorfree" paint, that STILL smells even though it's been three months. Yes, it is less than it would normally be, but don't try to tell me it's odorless... there's a smell. There's the ocean breeze that occassionally makes its way up the hill, my neighbor's insistance on using some sort of stain on his new steps, and then there's the mystery smell, that seems to come in only in my window. UGH. My current theory is that the previous owners buried a body in the side yard before they moved, and that is why there is a cup of vanilla extract sitting on my windowsill right this minute.

Smells, the front porch 'ramp' (that is steep enough to qualify for a mountain), and the bathroom (No sink? Toilet in front of the door? Haven't you people ever used a bathroom before??) have been my biggest challenges so far, but I am settling in, slowly and surely.

Mum and I have been working our way through this season of So You Think You Can Dance? - don't tell us who won - and adding grab bars & curtains in the bathroom. I've already figured out that the den gets the best breezes and the front porch gets the least amount of sun after 10 AM.

I know that some of our neighbors have children, some have dogs, and we all need a new sidewalk. I know that the library is only 1/2 accessible, and the half that is are the children's rooms. And that there's only one local pharmacy that's open 24 hours (and, of course, it's not mine).

I'm finding that the house is awfully quiet a lot of the time, and that, because it is so big, people can disappear. I am not used to being so far from everyone - in our old house, there were 7 rooms - all on one level, all close together. You could hear people talking in every other room, if you wanted to. Here, there are 7 rooms on my floor, and now there's this whole upstairs that I've only seen on video, a front porch and a back porch, with doors and steps I can't climb. There's a basement and a garage, and a yard I haven't checked out yet.

I'm both excited that there's so much left to explore and overwhelmed, because who knows when I'll get to it.

I'm trying to approach it as if I have all the time in the world - trying to change my attitude from this being 'the new house' into this being our 'forever' house. If we're here for the long haul - the foreseeable future, let's say - then I've got plenty of time and I can just be calm about it. Of course it's unsettling to be living out of a suitcase, or to be faced with piles of boxes that you have to sort through, but I'm really trying to enjoy the process here - and that does not come naturally to me. It's a real effort, because as much as I'd like to be DONE, I have to just take some deep breaths and try to let things unfold at a pace I can handle.

We'll all see how well I do.
As always, thanks for caring.