Medical Regimen

I am up to 22 pills everyday. 22 required pills. I can take as many additional pills for pain as I need, so sometimes I'm at 30. 22 - 30 required pills, and three vials of something that, when mixed with water, tastes like feet.


I take the pills 4 times a day, and they must be taken with food, or I wind up not being able to keep them down.

Some of them taste so bad that I have to trick myself into taking them - chew up my food, and then sneak the pill in right before I swallow. I don't know why it works, but it does.
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It's my opinion that the popular method of pill swallowing - putting the pill on your tongue first, then rinsing it down with your drink - makes no sense. If you put the pill on your tongue alone, unaccompanied, then you get the full vileness of it, and therefore want to spit it out. If you have to take your pills with a drink, put the drink in your mouth first, then pop the pill in. Some people say, "well then it's in there floating around": To them I say, who cares? You only have to worry about swallowing the drink, and it'll go down with it, automatically. At least that's how it works for me.

That was a bit of off-topic advice, free of charge.
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ANYways -

22 pills, three vials of feet, monthly (or bi-monthly) infusions, and 3 separate inhalers. That's my regimen.


And I a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y. wouldn't care- not a fig, not a lick, not a bit - about doing all of this, IF it was actually helping.

Maybe it is - maybe it's keeping me from getting worse, helping me to maintain at this level of functioning. I don't know.

But I do know that I got dressed today:

I went to the closet, picked out warm sweat pants and a t-shirt that's too tight, a zip up that doesn't exactly show me at my best and some fuzzy socks.

I put them all on, lathering baby lotion on skin that's unusually dry first, then maneuvering my way into my clothes.

I did all that, and then had to rest.

For 3 hours - motionless, with the heating pad on the sorest spots, staring blankly at the t.v.
----------------------------

22 pills, three feet-vials, three inhalers, the monthly infusion, all for 17 minutes of functioning
followed by three hours of rest.

-----------------------------

And now I've used up another 20 minutes or so, typing this in bed, only semi-upright, one hand on the keyboard, the other swigging the feet-water.

But, I wouldn't mind all the pills, all the shots, all the trips to the doctors (all the phone calls I still haven't made),


if it would just work.

If they did what they were supposed to do.

If I could just feel better.

I'm just saying.

Some things I am

You Are 32% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at medium risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is somewhat likely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

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This sounds pretty good... I'm not a total nut job, is that what you're saying?
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Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

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I probably would have given myself a little bit lower on the openness, but the rest seems on point(e)
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You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

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If you are a Bright Star or Dreaming Soul, please let me know :)
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You Are Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

A classic and an original, no wonder everyone snakes your style!

What Flavor Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Are You?

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Now I want ice cream - or cookie dough. AND of course, we don't have either... plus, that must be a lot of points. Fooey.

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You Are Sunshine

Soothing and calm You are often held up by others as the ideal But too much of you, and they'll get burned You are best known for: your warmth Your dominant state: connecting

What Type of Weather Are You?

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Well, considering that in my family I'm thought of as a vampire, and feel like I am probably allergic to sunlight, this is the only one that doesn't really fit. But, hey, if you wanna call me sunshine... who am I to argue?
_____________________________________________________________

The opposite of happy

Back when I was functioning well enough to be working, I was finishing up my degrees working in various classrooms. During my time at a private preschool, one of the units we worked on was Opposites. Now, because I was a student teacher at the time, I sometimes had to follow the lessons planned by the actual classroom teacher, rather than making my own. She was a good teacher, with a different teaching style than my own, so sometimes these lessons didn't go exactly as planned (then again, I have NEVER had a lesson go exactly as planned, so this is not unusual). Anyways, the unit was Opposites, and the lesson plan ventured into the area of feelings. I was supposed to pose the questions:

The opposite of sad is ______?

The opposite of angry is _____?

The opposite of happy is____?


The only problem was, I didn't have a clue what the answers were supposed to be. They looked clear cut enough, but once I started to think about it, I couldn't make up my mind.... what is the opposite of sad? Happy? Glad? Excited? And if I'm the opposite of angry, wouldn't I be feeling generous or extraordinarily nice or something? The thesaurus that lives in my brain wound up making the whole thing MUCH too complicated for a bunch of 3 & 4 year olds. But...

It does make a nice little segue for today's post...

Which is the most complicated of the questions above: what is the opposite of happy?

Is the opposite of happy really sad? Sad doesn't really begin to cover it, does it? And unhappy is particularly unworthy, because it doesn't really describe anything: It kind of matters how long you're unhappy, why you're not happy, and a bunch of other things. But what about gloomy, miserable, bereft? They're a better fit, yet still a bit too loose a definition.

Because I've given this way too much thought, the two best answers I've come up with are: Cheerless and Melancholy.

Cheerless: Adj.: bleak, joyless.

Melancholy: Adj.: Dismay, pensive, depressed.

Today has been an "opposite of happy" kind of a day. When they happen, it's hard to remember that there are any other kinds of days. The things that would normally make my day, like seeing an update on Amalah (complete with cute baby pictures), or checking out the new & snarkworthy covers up at Smart Bitches, do little to improve my mood. The people in my house are acting odd, guarding their words, asking each other what is wrong with me (I can totally hear you btw... you do not whisper well ). I wonder what is wrong with me too, because nothing new happened: it's just that today, the weight of the SOS seems five/fifty/five thousand times heavier than normal.


So I'm giving myself permission, just for today, to feel all the wrong things, and just let them be:

Just for today

I won't pretend that everything is o.k., that this waiting isn't driving me nuts.

I won't just listen to everyone else's problems: if I think it is a stupid and useless problem, I will let myself think that.

And because I may want to shout "You don't understand! You DON'T HAVE ANY REAL PROBLEMS, and must resort to MAKING UP DRAMA ..." I will avoid people.

I will let myself play Zuma for 5 hours, and stew over the fact that I'm supposed to be making phone calls/cleaning/weeding through paperwork.



I will play whatever sort of music I want - if I want to listen to Home by Michael Buble 6 times in a row, I will do so.

I will allow myself to feel sad for all that I am missing.


I will be jealous of all the people in my life who have their health, and their own lives, and all the other things that I don't have.

I will have leftover lemon poppyseed cake, with Extra icing, and not care how many points the stupid thing is worth.

I will not take the medicine that makes me nauseous, just for today... I can't deal with it today.

I will not feel guilty about doing these things, or not doing them, as the case may be: It's just for today.

Ok, I Lied: I will only feel slightly guilty (b/c I still can't find the guilt-off-switch).

I will shut the door if I want to, and ignore any knocks on it. Or the phone rining, or the IM's pinging.

I will let myself pretend that the reason I am crying is that this song is very sad, and glare evilishly at anyone who contradicts me.

I will make up my own words (evilishly? WTF?) in a blog post and leave them in, just because I can.


I will realize that feeling sorry for myself for a little while is NOT ridiculously self-indulgent, even though I have lots of things to be happy for. I will be happy for them tomorrow.


Today is for brooding.

Trying to change things a bit

but, yet again, I have no idea what I'm doing...

Trying to download a new blog skin... no such luck so far.

I'm stealing this meme (my very first!) from:

....Jezebel's Journal. I'm not really up on the meme etiquette, but it seems like, so long as you mention where it came from, it's alright to post. (I'm sure if I'm wrong, someone will wander by and tell me...)

10 favorites...
Favorite Color: Lilac
Favorite Food: Right now, there's this 5-point Lemon Cheesecake w/berries at Applebees... mmm yum. Why doesn't Applebees deliver?
Favorite Song: I'm feeling very happy with Michael Buble's version of Sway . It's so peppy, which I am not, but sometimes need to pretend being.
Favorite Movie: Of all time - no clue. Of the past little while? Love Actually
Favorite Sport: I dislike sports - I don't really understand the point of most of them, and my own experiences have only led me to believe that sports equipment is my enemy.
Favorite Season: I like the cripsness of fall, and it's a bonus that that's when I'm at my least allergic.
Favorite Day Of the Week: Right now it's Saturdays: I get to listen to SRO, and try to get other things accomplished.
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor : I'm thinking Peppermint Stick...
Favorite Time of Day: Just lately, I've been finding 11:00 pm the highlight of my day - The Daily Show rocks!

9 Currents...
Current Mood: Working on cheering up
Current Taste: Strawberry Jelly
Current Clothes: A white tank, w/a wife beater underneath; red, very comfy Old Navy pants, and green frog socks (Because all though I thought to change my outfit when I spilled soup all over it, I forgot to grab a clean pair of socks)
Current Desktop Picture: Niece-to-be's ultrasound pic
Current Toenail Color: Nude
Current Time: 10:25 p.m. EST
Current Surroundings: In bed, semi-snuggled surrounded by puffs and pillows
Current Annoyance(s): I'm going to keep it from being an exceptionally long list and just say the fact that the 6 clocks in this house all chime the hour individually: why can't we get them all on the same schedule?
Current Thought: I'm wondering now if you're allowed to just steal a meme... does the person have to ask you to fill it out? And how do I link back to the orginal page? hmmm...


8 Firsts...
First Best Friend: Jen B. She pretended to cut my hair in Kindergarten. We stayed friends till she transfered to private school in the 7th Grade, but we still exchange Christmas cards (and I'm supposed to call her to set up lunch... Note to Self)
First Kiss: I'll have to go with first non-kiss instead: 8th grade dance (in the gym, of course) and the Boy moved in for the kiss, I closed my eyes and waited: Somebody noticed us and gave a whistle, Boy moved back as if burned. :sigh:
First Screen Name: Still using my first screen name, my first account, etc.
First Pet: Sasha, a black furred, white bellied cat who was more regal than most people.
First Piercing: Earlobes, sitting in the mall, being bribed by my mom to "act like it doesn't hurt" so that my younger sisters would follow suit without tears.
First Crush: Ricky. Jen B and I fought over who got to sit next to him at her birthday party in 4th grade. (Although, it was her birthday, I managed to convince her to put him in the middle between us.) We went to see Batman, and were foiled when he sat next to Paul instead.
First Music: I used to have some sort of Disney Disco tape, that came with a book ("You can read along with us in your book. When you hear the tone :beep:, turn the page.") I still know all the words to Macho Duck (Can he move? Well guess what? Watch his wiggle waddle strut).
First Car: I still don't have one, unless the Fisher Price variety counts?


7 Lasts.....
Last Cigarette: Never
Last Drink: Having some water right now, actually.
Last Car Ride: Umm... Last Monday, to and from the doc's office.
Last Kiss: Youngest Nephew as he raced out the door at 7:30 tonight.
Last real kiss: If only I had an answer (or even a smart ass avoidance answer)to put down.
Last Movie Seen: On the Town Sunday, thanks to TMC. (And then, was nicely surprised to see Betty Garret on that night's Grey's Anatomy as well.)
Last Phone Call: Talked to N (the Mum of Youngest Nephew) about three minutes after that last kiss.
Last CD Played: Yeah, I've been Media Player-ing it lately, but I did burn a disk of some of my favorites that I listened to the other night.



6 Have You Evers....
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: Nope
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Only accidentally
Have You Ever Been Arrested: Nope
Have You Ever Been on TV: Only if you count the community access channel, which showed every play or production I was in. ... Oh, and once the back of my head (and a hideous purple bow) were on the Catholic Mass channel.
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Nope (I'm so BORING )



5 Things....
5 Things You're Wearing: see above, and then add my glasses and a puff.
5 Things You've Done Today: Sorted meds for the week --> because I won't take them if there not RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY FACE . Gave the Little Guy (Youngest Nephew) and 2ndSister a workout. Didn't eat the Oreos that were left over from Little Guy's Dessert, even thought I wanted them. Checked my e-mail and Bloglines. Made lots of lists (I Love Lists!)
5 Things You Can Hear Right Now: Stupid ticking clocks. 2ndSister laughing with boyfriend. 3rdSister yelling over phone at her boyfriend. Washing Machine wooshing. Maroon Five: This Love.
5 Things You Can't Live Without: The basics (food, water, air & meds); My peoples; Books; Pillows; Connections.
5 Things You Do When You're bored: Read (or re-read), Wander on-line, Zuma, Scrap; Stare at the wall.



4 Places You've Been ...

The Salem Witch Museum
2059 (in books, anyways)
In the Hot Seat
Waiting Rooms (a.k.a. Purgatory)





3 People You Can Tell (most) Anything To...
Mum; Shannon; Ann


2 Choices...
1. Black or White: White, cuz I still want the creme filling from those Oreos I passed up earlier.
2. Hot or Cold: I'm freezing, thanks for asking.

1 Wish...
That I did this right, without pissing off any internet peoples....

Three Posts in One Day...

It must be a record (for me, anyways). I was writing an e-mail to my cousin in Maine, and realized, about 1/4 of the way through, that it was hideously depressing and gloomy. I know that if I sent it as it was, she would be worried, and since it's just a case of me feeling sorry for myself and hoping someone would listen, I cut it up a bit, decided to post it here instead.

I know I've yet to give a clear idea of what my illness is (as if even I had a clue), but it's more because I haven't figured out exactly how to explain it all. Regardless, what I'm feeling today is pretty self explanatory, and should stand up well all on its own.
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The doctor called with some more blood test results, saying how he noticed I have a very low XYZ level. This is not good, he says, as far as other things go. So take these pills, and it should give you a little boost at least. Mom, who just happens to have been in a mood quite opposite to my own, says something about magic bullets, and cure-alls, and I seriously, don't know whether to throw up, cry, or punch her in the face.
How horrible is that?

Hating her for hoping?

It's ridiculous!

But, I've taken these pills before, so I know they're not the magic bullet/cure that she's hoping for and I just all of the sudden wanted to scream at her for even thinking it - for making me think it, for even a second. So, there are days, lots of tiny little days, were I just hate this whole thing - hate that I can't even let other people hope, because it hurts me too much when I disappoint them. And that's the kind of day I'm having.

Why do people have to tell me these things?

One of my favorite episodes of the West Wing is the one that has the "The Organization of Cartographers for Social Equality." It's the episode about Big Block of Cheese Day (which, thanks to IMDB and Wikipedia, I now know is Episode # 216 Somebody's going to emergency, Somebody's going to jail), where key White House staffers meet with all sorts of fringe groups that, ordinarily, wouldn't rate a meeting with the Presidential Staff.

During one of those meetings, CJ meets with the members of that Organization, who are proposing legislation that leads to the use of a newer, more accurate map. You can read all about it by clicking
Here to check Wikipedia yourself.


But here (courtesy of westwingtranscripts.com) is the relevant (and extremely humorous) dialogue:

HUKE
The map enlarges areas at the poles to create straight lines of constant
bearing or geographic direction.

CYNTHIA SAYLES
So, it makes it easier to cross an ocean.

FALLOW
But...

C.J.
Yes?

FALLOW
It distorts the relative size of nations and continents.

C.J.
Are you saying the map is wrong?

FALLOW
Oh, dear, yes.
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SAYLES
Here we have Europe drawn considerably larger than South America when at
6.9 million square miles South America is almost double the size of Europe's 3.8 million.

HUKE
Alaska appears three times as large as Mexico, when Mexico is larger by .1 million square miles.

SAYLES
Germany appears in the middle of the map when it's in the northernmost quarter of the Earth.

JOSH
Wait, wait. Relative size is one thing, but you're telling me that Germany isn't where we think it is?

FALLOW
Nothing's where you think it is.

C.J.
Where is it?

FALLOW
I'm glad you asked. [brings up a new map, which has its continents significally squished northward] The Peters Projection. (insert map here)
.....

C.J.
What the hell is that?

FALLOW
It's where you've been living this whole time. Should we continue?

JOSH
Uh-huh.
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Check out more maps here-----------------------------------------

later in the episode:

FALLOW
When Third World countries are misrepresented they're likely to be valued
less. When Mercator maps exaggerate the importance of Western civilization, when the
top of the map is given to the northern hemisphere and the bottom is given to the
southern... then people will tend to adopt top and bottom attitudes.

C.J.
But... wait. How... Where else could you put the Northern Hemisphere but on the top?

SAYLES
On the bottom.

C.J.
How?

FALLOW
Like this.

The map is flipped over.

C.J.
Yeah, but you can't do that.

FALLOW
Why not?

C.J.
'Cause it's freaking me out.

__________________________________________________________________

I'm with CJ.... It freaks me out too.

Aside from making me laugh, the episode really gave me a lot to think about. Turns out, there really ARE issues with the map we all know and love. It isn't exactly... what's the word I'm searching for here... Accurate. If a map of the WORLD wasn't constant, wasn't exact, wasn't right, what else could be off?


So that's why I was particularly interested in an article in this week's
The Week

that talks about how "the world's timekeepers no longer can agree on an answer" on the best way to tell time. I didn't even know this was an issue, I thought time was a constant: that we all kind of agreed on a standard of time, and this was it.

Turns out, not so much. Time is "still based on the movements of the Earth, and the Earth is a poor timekeeper." THE EARTH IS A POOR TIMEKEEPER? How is that possible? Oh, but it got better - -

"The time it takes for our planet to make a complete revolution around the sun varies from year to year by a half-second or more. The precise length of a day varies too, because the rising and falling of ocean tides has a tiny, but measurable impact on how quickly the Earth revolves on it's axis. Our days, in fact, are getting longer by about two milliseconds a century."

They go on to explain that, while a millisecond here or there doesn't seem important right now, it can eventual cause disaster - perhaps the dreaded Y2K that never came could still be waiting for us at some random point in the future. Scientists are working to find a more accurate measure of time, they insist, but for right now, time isn't right either.

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So, let's see - maps are biased, time is "holding it's breath" every couple of years, and white chocolate isn't considered actual chocolate (I'm still in denial here, so I won't look up the details, in the hopes that the world will change it's mind--- again).

Anything other foundations of civilization getting ready to crumble?



If there are, what do I have to pay you to keep it to yourself?

Home again home again, jiggety jog

I was computer-less for eight days. 8 days. And during that time, every other thought I had would've made a good blog post. (Did I, as any smart person would, grab a pen and jot down these excellent blog-worthy ideas? I'm sure you can guess just by reading this post.)

I have now had my computer back for three days (although it took me a whole day to set everything back up, as they replace my hard drive and system board). 3 days. And not a single thought worth posting.

But (again, as is obvious from this post), I shall not be deterred.

I do have thoughts, they will be logical and form cohesive post.

Maybe.

:)

Top of the TBR

So I'm wandering around, adding titles to my already overwhelemed TBR pile, and I came across this:


Review:
"If you don't find something in here that makes perfect sense to you, I can only imagine that you gave up reading, thinking and laughing some time ago" Nick Hornby

Nick Hornby is a fantastically funny writer. Even his one sentence review makes me laugh.

So, guess which books jumps to the top of my list? Sarah Vowell's Take The Cannoli

Anybody read it?
----------------------------------------

Can you tell I got Netflix for Christmas?

So, today must be my day for mediocre films: I sat through Mr. & Mrs. Smith (very overrated) and The Brother's Grimm (which was just OK). With Mr. & Mrs., I was about 30 minutes into it and knew I wasn't going to enjoy it. But I also had nothing better to do, so I just left it in and tried to zone out for a while. There was too much blowing up of things to accomplish that, so I spent the time cursing my sister (who said this movie was worth watching) and wondering who the movie was supposed to appeal to. I did not come up with any answers.

As for the Brother's Grimm, it was the odd accents that turned me off. here I love a good accent -- but the key there is GOOD. These accents? Odd. And inconsistent. British-y one second, lapsed the next. The French are speaking in Italian and German accents, and I'm not entirely sure if it's part of the joke or not. There's this one little girl (who disappears in a very unappealing and disgusting way), and her accent is indecipherable....The story was interesting, but I just couldn't really get into it.
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But earlier in the week, I lucked out. Taking a chance, I sent for Mad Hot Ballroom: it's a documentary about ballroom dancing in the New York public schools. Stop rolling your eyes... it was fabulous! My first thought was how great a program this was - dancing is a skill, an art, a sport; the kids learned so much more than the basic steps. It's certainly a program that should be studied, copied in other cities. My second though was how embarrassed these kids are going to be 15 years from now - I cringe at the thought of my own home movies from then - I can't imagine an actual audience of other people being able to view them.

But that did get me thinking about the girls in this movie - who were not just spectacular dancers (actually all the kids wound up really rocking), but also just balls of fire in all areas of their lives. It made me think - What happens to girls as they get older? The 10-12 year-old girls here were exactly how I remember being at that age: confident, full of spunk, full of energy and attitude. I remember being sure that what I said was not only right, but that it was important, that it mattered (even when other people didn't necessarily agree ;) ). It was in my attitude, the way I moved, the way I spent my time. These girls were all like that -- they said what they thought, they danced how they wanted, they spoke up in class, they gossiped and gave their opinions even when nobody asked.

I can remember being that way at that age, remember the attitude and how well it fit me, but what I can't remember is when it stopped, when I just started keeping things to myself, keeping quiet, watching instead of joining (or leading). And so many of the other girls in my class were like that too - fiesty - but somewhere along the line, we all changed. {I don't know if it's the same for boys (I'm not still friends with any of the boys I knew in 5th grade, so I can't say if they've changed or not)}

On one hand, it made me kind of sad: To think that those girls might grow out of their certainty, that they might never feel that sure of themselves, that strong and powerful again. To think about how strong and powerful I used to feel, and to wonder where it went.

On the other hand, there are parts of being 11 that I would never go back to -- specifically the parts were I'd have to be 13, 15, and 17 again. To have to go through all the uncertainty & awkwardness that followed. And being less sure that I was always right did enable me listen to other people, to see that they had important things to say too. And that's not something I would give up. There's a strength that comes from facing challenges that I didn't have then either -- at 11 the worst thing that had happened to me was that my best friend was planning on moving away. I've certainly faced a lot more than that in the 15 years since.
There's got to be a way to get back some of what I've lost, without giving up what I've learned (earned, even). I suppose that's kind of the point, right?

And that was w-a-y philosophical for a quick movie review.

So, to finish up... Wow, I miss dancing!

This movie has a beat, and a heart. My hips have been swiveling ever since -- it's contagious.

Anybody else seen these? Got an explaination for Mr. & Mrs. or an idea of what those accents were supposed to be? Are you sigining yourself up for some ballroom lessons or rolling your eyes at me cause I would if I could?

I'd love to hear from you - let me know.

Rest, relaxation, peace? That'd be nice.

NTE took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace, and a..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I know, I know, these things are like horoscopes - they keep them general so that they can apply to almost anyone's situation. But two things in this test just hit the nail on the head for me:

NTE's Existing Situation
Active, but feels that insufficient progress or reward is being made for the effort exerted.


NTE's Desired Objective
Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace, and affectionate understanding. Feels she has been treated with a lack of consideration and is upset and agitated as a result. Regards her situation as intolerable as long as her requirements are not complied with.


The "urgently in need of" part especially. I feel like I haven't had more than a minute's peace in almost 12 years. That's a long time.
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In other news:

I have to send my laptop off to be fixed either the end of this week or next week, which means no posts for however long it takes them to get it back to me. It also means I won't be able to read any posts, which seems a sort of torture. I don't understand it either -

I only started reading blogs last summer. Before that we had dial-up. I had an 8-yr-old computer that froze every time I opened more than one program. I thought all blogs were filled with political rantings (and usually of the wrong sort).

But now?

Now I need to check them whenever I get online. Now, I get mad when there are no new posts highlighted on my blogline account. (Even though I just checked them 2 hours ago: it's been two hours! Why didn't someone have something to say since then?). Now, I can spend 20 minutes wading through 96 comments that all echo or outshine the "what a great post!" entry I had planned, only not to comment in fear of being to repetitive. Now, I click through an entire blogroll, in the hopes of a spectacular new find. Now, I lurk at more than 50 blogs.

(BTW, I've seen on a couple of blogs already that it's National De-Lurking Week. I'm pretty sure someone just made this up and people started passing it along, but that won't stop me from mentioning it here, in the hopes that there are some lurkers who'd like to make themselves known.)

So being without my computer is not appealing to me. I've plenty of other things that need to get accomplished (my to-do list never seems to shrink), but I'm still putting it off as long as I can. (Besides, I have to figure out if I'm supposed to erase things before I send it or what. They weren't very specific over there.)

But I've still got the rest of this week, at least.

So I should be back.... in case you wanted to delurk: I promise not to miss it.

Embarrassing Way to Almost Kill Yourself #149

Bend over with the toothbrush in your mouth
Bang the end of the toothbrush on the edge of the sink
Jam almost the entire length of the toothbrush down your throat
Choke for 10 straight minutes, all the while thinking of the way this will be written up in your obituary.

"Young woman chokes to death on toothbrush."

Oh yeah, my parents would be proud.

A better mood (ish)

See, I promised to try and cheer up, and I (sort-of) have. At least I'm faking it better, anyways. ;)

So I'm doing my internet wandering today, and here's what I think you should know:

First, due to some happy news in my family (My first niece is expected to arrive this spring!!), I've been playing around looking at baby names. The best site I've found so far is the Babynamer on Oxygen. It's a great site - searchable, organized by different topics, & thorough. My favorite detail? They include the drawbacks of a given name - the horrible nicknames that go along with the names you're looking at. (I never would have thought of Cora Snora on by own, for example, but now it's definitely out)
BUT.... I'm wondering who would decide to name their baby based on this category :

People Who Have Tuberculosis ? I mean does that sound reasonable to anybody?


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Also got a couple of Flickr pictures that I thought were just amazing:


Reflection


A perfect moment

Brrr

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And, courtesy of David Letterman (and DevilDucky), the best Bush moments caught on tape.... sadly, this we're only a little more than halfway through with him.

DUH!

That's what I've got for you so far, people. Enjoy!

Nothing is going well today

My doctor (my favorite specialist) called and the insurance people don't want to pay for my treatments (not that they were doing too much, but they were working preventatively). Plus my primary care doc does not want to be my primary care doc anymore and I can't find someone who knows enough about my particular situations to be any help (or who takes my insurance). I hate having to start over with new docs: they always want to re-run all the tests I've already had six times.

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I don't know how to use the stupid DVD-RW in my laptop and I have to back up all my data b/c my laptop keeps freezing and I have to send it to the repair people before the warranty expires next month. I love my laptop: It was my first major purchase on my own, and I did sooo much research... and now it's freezing... this does not instill confidence in my decision making skills, internet people. I use it most everyday, and I don't know how long it will be away with the fix-it up chappies, so am semi-depressed that I will be laptop-less for however long.

But that's only if I can figure out how to back up my files, because I have scanned every stinking picture in our house into this thing, and I am not doing it all over again... I don't care if it freezes every 10 seconds...

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The annoying people upstairs keep vacuuming the same exact spot... right over my head. (She's very OCD about that stupid vacuum.) This is the fourth time (the first was at 6:30 this morning) and I know she's the only one home up there, so unless she's refilling the salt shakers over the hallway rug, there is absolutely no need for this.

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Also, I know there is a way to change the colors of my blogger text, but I can't remember it, so this post will look very boring.

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Two of my sisters have the day off today and are spending it bickering over which one of them gets to wield the remote control - rather than actually accomplishing anything or helping out around here.

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I am just having a mood, internet. It is not a good mood either. And I think a large part of it is that I went to bed hearing that 12 of the 13 minors trapped were alive and found out this morning that the opposite is true. It is too sad to imagine, and the reason that I know better than to watch the news. I just can't block myself off from tragedies the way everyone else seems to be able to. It just sort of seeps into me, and now I'm sad.

And grumpy.

(As if that last part needed clarifying after this lovely post.)

I shall try to recover a bit of cheery (or at least less mope) before my next post.

Hope your day is better than...

A couple of books to keep an eye out for

People - how do I love the PostSecret site? I cannot explain my fascination (I also, apparently, cannot spell fascination). But I'm very excited that there's a book: Collection of Secrets.


The next offerings in some of my current favorite series should be out the beginning of the year:

Memory In Death A bit more of Eve's past is revealed... I'm already on the library hold list for this speed read.

A New Cynster Novel (I almost can't imagine how there could be more, but I still enjoy them so I won't complain) came out recently: Truth about Love

It's not my favorite series, but I've really been enjoying the Francesca Cahill mysteries. Next up for her is Deadly Kisses

And since I love the Stephanie Plum books and Metro Girl (another Christmas gift - Thanks Mum!) by Janet Evanovich, I'll be checking out Motor Mouth
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Even the Publishers Weekly review of Stephen King's next book is gripping:

What if a pulse sent out through cell phones turned every person using one of them into a zombie-like killing machine? That's what happens on page six of King's latest, a glib, technophobic but compelling look at the end of civilization—or at what may turn into a new, extreme, telepathically enforced fascism.

So I'll be looking out for Cell as well.
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Random other reads on my list:


The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult


With a title like this, who could resist?
You're Wearing That?


The Monk Downstairs by Tim Farrington

Goddess of The Rose by P.C. Cast


Not Buying It: My Year Without Shopping by Judith Levine

Dr. Golem - How to think about Medicine by Harry M. Collins

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I'm sure there'll be more, but I can see there's plenty to anticipate.

I hadn't thought I was quite this ... wholesome

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Total Books Read: 334

That's rounding up, as I've yet to finish the one I'm reading, but I have faith that I'll be done before Saturday night. So 334 books read this year. November was my slowest month (15), January my heaviest (38). But I can tell which months I felt really horrid during, just by looking back at my book log - some months are filled with re-reads of favorites, while others are more adventurous. Some have a ton of book reviews, others have a line or two here or there, but nothing too deep. It's an interesting view of my past year. (Although it's maybe only interesting to me?)

Anyways - Here's a few of my top books from this past year: (not always published in 2005, just that I read them this year)


Outlander- Diana Galbadon
I know I'm way behind here, but I finally got to read about Jaime & Claire this year --- and was not disappointed... I'm waiting for my library list to get to the next in the series

Tales from The Bed Jennifer & Valerie Estess
The autobiography of a very courageous woman. Very Moving.

Wicked Gregory Maguire
I was not lucky enough to see the musical in person, but have been listening to the soundtrack nonstop for at least a year. The book was a bit more complex than I expected, but it was still very good.


Sex & The Single Vampire Katie MacAlister
I'm not usually into vampires, but there was strong dialogue and smart characters, as well as a ton of humor, so I really enjoyed this.

Goddess of The Sea P.C. Cast My favorite find of the year... her Goddess series is wonderful!

Any book put out by Nora Roberts/J.D Robb is an auto-buy for me. This years excellent contributions include Origin in Death, Survivor in Death, & Blue Smoke


Some other very good (and very different) books:


Diana's Story Deric Longden
My Sister's Keeper Jodi Pocult
Encyclopedia of An Ordinary Life Amy Krouse
Harry Potter & the HBP JK Rowling
Angus, Thongs & Full-Frontal Snogging Louise Rennison
Hypocrite in A Poufy White Dress Susan Gilman
I Sleep At Red Lights Bruce Stockler
All in My Head Paula Kamen
Posterity: Letters of Great Americans to Their Children
Dorie McCullough Lawson
The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green Joshua Braff

So, now, if you didn't have a list going for 2006, you've got someplace to start!

If you've got some I should add to my list (ok, so, I don't exactly have one list, I have about 12 in different places, but still), please share...

If I don't see you till then - happy new year!

If you're going to rant, you should be right.

A friend of my dad's was over at the house the other day, ranting. This particular friend only seems to rant: it is his preferred method of communication. After he finished ranting about the war on Christmas, the lack of pro-Bush stories in the media, and about a million other things, he happened to start in on celebrities who are vocal about their beliefs - be they political, moral, etc.

His position was that they should "Shut the F up." Mostly because that's just the way he feels about anybody who disagrees with him, but also because "Nobody really cares about what Susan Sarandon or Sean Penn thinks about anything, and I sure as hell don't want them to tell me what to think about it... Just because they have money doesn't make them qualified to tell people what to do."

I try to avoid this friend for many reasons, his negative outlook on life main among them, but happened to overhear this diatribe. It struck me as odd... although I've heard the argument before, I just don't understand it. To my way of thinking, just because they have money, it doesn't disqualify them from having opinions on the world they live in. Or from doing something about it. Certainly, whatever they choose to do (or not do) is more high profile because of their position in our society, but I don't see that that fact should hinder them from supporting whatever causes they see fit.

And if I believe in a cause, and support it, then why wouldn't I share my opinion with other people? I do that all the time now, in my own little world --- from buying Christmas presents from St. Jude's Hope Catalog to telling everybody I know who shops online about The IGive Shopping Window, which donates a percentage of whatever you buy online (at certain stores) to the cause you select, I tell the people in my life about the causes I care about and support. If I had a larger audience of people, would I stop giving my opinons, my support, my help? I don't think I could, or would want to.

So I think it's pretty ridiculous to suggest that celebrities would or should do any less just becaues they're famous. And I'm obviously not the only one... Check out who's Persons of the Year

Personally, I think if you can make a difference, you should. Period. And everyone can.

Did I have a million things to do today?

Yes I did.

Did I get them done?

No I didn't.

Actually, that's not fair - I did do a bunch of things; but the bunch leftover likes to haunt me.

By the way, the blogosphere? The ULTIMATE time eater for me... I promise myself I'm just going to check out this one blog... but then they have a link to another, or I remember that I haven't checked this one or that one lately.... and now it's two hours later, and here I still am. Wandering.

Is there anything better than Christmas?

I think not!
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I haven't talked about it much here yet, but I'm not in the best of health. I'm not really up to the long explainatory post, either, but suffice to say that I spend a lot of time in bed. Depending on how I'm doing, that time can be occupied by books, music, t.v., writing, or the web. Recently, very little brain power and an insane amount of online shopping have left me capable of doing little else but veg in front of the t.v. or listen to the 497 christmas songs on my computer while staring blankly at the walls.

And yet, I'm still enjoying myself:

Because just the idea of Christmas makes me happy.

Because we own The Muppet Christmas Carol. (Yes, I watched it by myself... wanna make something of it?) Muppets Rock!

Because somehow the smell of the Christmas tree has overpowered the smell of all the medicines that live in my room (except the Vicks... but what does overpower Vicks?)

Because so many Christmas movies are funny - Elf, Scrooged, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (all now holiday requirements here), the Santa Clause movies, the first 2 Home Alones.

Because, even though it doesn't really show all the time, everybody in my house at least makes an effort right about now.

Because Robert Downey Jr. can really sing #12

Because, just when I thought I've seen everything a million times, new Christmas movies (worth watching) come out: The Polar Express,
The Happy Elf, Love Actually.

Because you can get any Christmas song you want (and a million you never heard before) online. Today's favorites: #17, Funky, Funky Christmas by the New Kids on The Block (only because I just remembered that I actually owned the original casette tape of this), Anything off this New To Me Album; Baby, It's Cold Outside (of which I now have 8 different versions, including a fabulous rendition by Zooey Deschanel from the Elf soundtrack), and Bette Midler's version of the Home Alone theme (did you know it had words???)

Because I actually LOVE to wrap presents & write Christmas cards... which, once I feel a bit better, I can do from bed.

Because ABC family is playing all the old Christmas cartoons... so there's always something on... which is where I'm heading right now.

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