Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Words
words and more words. NaBloPoMo: Accomplished. December, you better be on your best behavior, because I am taking no crap. You're on notice.
Monday, November 29, 2010
"Thanksgiving is a time to get together, and none of you are taking it seriously! None of you!
So, as slap bet commisioner, I institute a new law: at Thanksgiving there will be no slapping!"*
I promised a picture, and a picture you shall have. Here is the mock Thanksgiving dinner Lil Girl and I made out of Playdoh last week. I know it is totally not to scale (please note how the corn kernels are bigger than the blueberry pie), but when you're working with a four year old, things like scale aren't exactly that important matters. We worked diligently on this plate, with Lil Girl rolling all of those blueberries and corn kernels by hand, and Auntie NTE "carving" the turkey into an (not too shabby if I do say so myself) approximation of a real bird.
Clockwise, you've got cranberry sauce ("the kind in the can that goes Plop!"), the previously mentioned turkey; some carrots and baked potatoes ("because we don't have white for mashed potatoes and the gray ones look yucky"); corn (that's not Green Giant, but obviously should be) and two pies - a blueberry with no top crust (we made some, but she didn't like covering up all that hard work, so it was discarded) and an apple with a top ("because I am not making a lot of more little apples").
Our real Thanksgiving feast was pretty low key this year with just 8 of us: Mom & Dad, SisterJ and BrotherInLaw K, Me, Grandmother, UJ and SisterK. For us, that's pretty small. We had a good day, and there was very. little. drama., which, for me, is about all I'm asking for at this point. There were some laughs, and stories, and lots of food (pies, pies and more pies - five pies for eight people means pie for breakfast for the next week).
But I thought you all might get a kick out of our Fauxgiving, which we served to Mum at Lil Girl's request = "Because Grammy LOVES turkey, and because she doesn't have to cook it this day." Since tomorrow's going to be our last day for leftovers (hopefully), I hope Lil Girl is still in the mood to see the real thing.
----- Off Topic - -
Yes: I think the nicknames/code names have gotten out of hand and confusing too. When I was typing that last entry, I had to check it like three times to make sure it was even making sense. I will try to think of a better system, since I still don't want to use people's real names. I guess I should just stop adding letters (and words) to the names they already have, but poor Youngest Nephew really is No Longer Youngest Nephew (poor planning NTE!), so it would be even more confusing to keep calling him that. So I will come up with something, I promise.
Also, you might want to stay tuned this week for posts on the following topics: My hives are not really hives. Harry Potter 7 was sold out when we got there, but we didn't just turn around and come home. Christmas shopping and why I think grown ups should make wishlists. (hint: because some people are hard to shop for!). What I have been doing for the past 139 *and counting* days. And finally, how I am going to make my living space livable, so help me god.
*How I Met Your Mother
I promised a picture, and a picture you shall have. Here is the mock Thanksgiving dinner Lil Girl and I made out of Playdoh last week. I know it is totally not to scale (please note how the corn kernels are bigger than the blueberry pie), but when you're working with a four year old, things like scale aren't exactly that important matters. We worked diligently on this plate, with Lil Girl rolling all of those blueberries and corn kernels by hand, and Auntie NTE "carving" the turkey into an (not too shabby if I do say so myself) approximation of a real bird.
Clockwise, you've got cranberry sauce ("the kind in the can that goes Plop!"), the previously mentioned turkey; some carrots and baked potatoes ("because we don't have white for mashed potatoes and the gray ones look yucky"); corn (that's not Green Giant, but obviously should be) and two pies - a blueberry with no top crust (we made some, but she didn't like covering up all that hard work, so it was discarded) and an apple with a top ("because I am not making a lot of more little apples").
Our real Thanksgiving feast was pretty low key this year with just 8 of us: Mom & Dad, SisterJ and BrotherInLaw K, Me, Grandmother, UJ and SisterK. For us, that's pretty small. We had a good day, and there was very. little. drama., which, for me, is about all I'm asking for at this point. There were some laughs, and stories, and lots of food (pies, pies and more pies - five pies for eight people means pie for breakfast for the next week).
But I thought you all might get a kick out of our Fauxgiving, which we served to Mum at Lil Girl's request = "Because Grammy LOVES turkey, and because she doesn't have to cook it this day." Since tomorrow's going to be our last day for leftovers (hopefully), I hope Lil Girl is still in the mood to see the real thing.
----- Off Topic - -
Yes: I think the nicknames/code names have gotten out of hand and confusing too. When I was typing that last entry, I had to check it like three times to make sure it was even making sense. I will try to think of a better system, since I still don't want to use people's real names. I guess I should just stop adding letters (and words) to the names they already have, but poor Youngest Nephew really is No Longer Youngest Nephew (poor planning NTE!), so it would be even more confusing to keep calling him that. So I will come up with something, I promise.
Also, you might want to stay tuned this week for posts on the following topics: My hives are not really hives. Harry Potter 7 was sold out when we got there, but we didn't just turn around and come home. Christmas shopping and why I think grown ups should make wishlists. (hint: because some people are hard to shop for!). What I have been doing for the past 139 *and counting* days. And finally, how I am going to make my living space livable, so help me god.
*How I Met Your Mother
Sunday, November 28, 2010
More resting required
Check back tomorrow, when I might actually get around to posting a picture (for the first time in damn near forever).
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Today, I'm heading to the movies to see HP 7 ; I am quite excited. Through a jumble of circumstances, this year it's going to be Big/Only Brother, Youngest Sister, NoLongerYoungest Nephew and me. Which is an odd group, regardless, mostly because B/O Brother isn't all that big on outings, and Youngest Sister has too busy a non-family social life to wind up spending too much time with me, but it's also kind of neat. Because B/O Brother and I took SisterK to the very first Harry Potter movie back when it first came out (9 years ago!) for her 13th Birthday.
Sister K was, as the target audience for Harry Potter, the first person (not in my Children's Literature class) that I was able to share the HP books with: She'd received the first book as a gift from a teacher when it came out in the US, but she was just finishing it up about the same time I was assigned to read it for class the following fall, and she told me how much she liked it.
Best Friend/College Roommate and I bought one copy and shared it between us, just like we did for any classes we were both taking (which, since we had the same Ed major, was a lot) but I have to say that the closest we came to arguing was over that one copy of The Sorcerer's Stone: She started it first, since she was a slower reader than I was, and - as she did with other books we shared (a lot, as we shared a lot of classes) - she would leave try to leave it in the room so that I could pick it up if I got around to it. But she liked it so much that she started carrying it with her, in the hopes of sneaking in some reading time between classes or whenever. I was displeased, because I wanted to get my hands on it: by now, reports were coming back from all over campus - and across the country - about the boy with the lightening bolt scar, and how great his story was.
Eventually, she finished and then I finished, and then I talked to Sister K about it for-ev-er. We dissected it, and re-read it and ran out to the get the sequels as they each made their appearance. When the last book came out, Sister K laid at one end of my bed and read Book 7 while I laid at the other, finishing my re-read of Book 6 and reading Book 7 (I didn't want to be too far ahead, and spoil the whole thing for her). We both cried - some of us more than others (but that was just because she was reading too slow to be where I was!) - and munched on salty foods, and I may have had to close the book at one point and wait for her to get closer to where I was so I could talk to somebody about what happened (!) But it will be, forever, one of my favorite days: just the two of us, lost in the English countryside and castles with Harry, Hermoine and Ron. (Even though she didn't finish till Monday, which made me want to tear my hair out because I didn't have anybody to squee or cry with, and yes, I realize I am too old for squeeing: shut up.)
It was a few years after the first book came out that I managed to convince O/B Brother that he - Star Wars fanatic that he is - would enjoy them too. And by then, the first movie was coming out, and I talked him into taking us for Sister K's birthday. And we had a ball, and planned to make it a yearly event. I haven't seen any of the others in the theater, unfortunately, because the sicker I got the harder it got to make it to a movie theater. Between the uncomfortable chairs, the overwhelming loudness, the insistence of movie people to include zooming scenes galore (compounded with gigantic screens), not to mention the years I couldn't be around other people's germs at all, and the years when I didn't have the energy to roll over in bed, let alone add an outing to a non-required place, I think I didn't go to the movies for at least three years. But then some things got better, and other things didn't but I learned how to adjust (earplugs! skip quidditch scenes all together!) and then I found out about this place around here with actual COMFY chairs to sit in (and they sell real food, but whatever: COMFY CHAIRS, people!), and I've been able to make it to about one movie a year ever since. (Last year, in case you care, it was Where the Wild Things Are, the year before that Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull, and this year, it's Harry Potter 7 Pt1 .)
And even better, is that I've been introducing NLYNephew to all things Harry Potter over the course of the past year or so, so he's excited to come with us too! He hasn't made it as far as the last book yet, but he's caught up on the movies, and is a slow reader, so he's extremely curious to find out what happens. I have a feeling that, since it's only Part 1, he might not be too satisfied by the end of the movie, but I think it's still going to be awesome.
Which means I should go get dressed now or something, before I convince myself that it's ok to go out in public in my pajamas. (again). :)
Hope your weekend is bringing you something equally exciting to you!
Sister K was, as the target audience for Harry Potter, the first person (not in my Children's Literature class) that I was able to share the HP books with: She'd received the first book as a gift from a teacher when it came out in the US, but she was just finishing it up about the same time I was assigned to read it for class the following fall, and she told me how much she liked it.
Best Friend/College Roommate and I bought one copy and shared it between us, just like we did for any classes we were both taking (which, since we had the same Ed major, was a lot) but I have to say that the closest we came to arguing was over that one copy of The Sorcerer's Stone: She started it first, since she was a slower reader than I was, and - as she did with other books we shared (a lot, as we shared a lot of classes) - she would leave try to leave it in the room so that I could pick it up if I got around to it. But she liked it so much that she started carrying it with her, in the hopes of sneaking in some reading time between classes or whenever. I was displeased, because I wanted to get my hands on it: by now, reports were coming back from all over campus - and across the country - about the boy with the lightening bolt scar, and how great his story was.
Eventually, she finished and then I finished, and then I talked to Sister K about it for-ev-er. We dissected it, and re-read it and ran out to the get the sequels as they each made their appearance. When the last book came out, Sister K laid at one end of my bed and read Book 7 while I laid at the other, finishing my re-read of Book 6 and reading Book 7 (I didn't want to be too far ahead, and spoil the whole thing for her). We both cried - some of us more than others (but that was just because she was reading too slow to be where I was!) - and munched on salty foods, and I may have had to close the book at one point and wait for her to get closer to where I was so I could talk to somebody about what happened (!) But it will be, forever, one of my favorite days: just the two of us, lost in the English countryside and castles with Harry, Hermoine and Ron. (Even though she didn't finish till Monday, which made me want to tear my hair out because I didn't have anybody to squee or cry with, and yes, I realize I am too old for squeeing: shut up.)
It was a few years after the first book came out that I managed to convince O/B Brother that he - Star Wars fanatic that he is - would enjoy them too. And by then, the first movie was coming out, and I talked him into taking us for Sister K's birthday. And we had a ball, and planned to make it a yearly event. I haven't seen any of the others in the theater, unfortunately, because the sicker I got the harder it got to make it to a movie theater. Between the uncomfortable chairs, the overwhelming loudness, the insistence of movie people to include zooming scenes galore (compounded with gigantic screens), not to mention the years I couldn't be around other people's germs at all, and the years when I didn't have the energy to roll over in bed, let alone add an outing to a non-required place, I think I didn't go to the movies for at least three years. But then some things got better, and other things didn't but I learned how to adjust (earplugs! skip quidditch scenes all together!) and then I found out about this place around here with actual COMFY chairs to sit in (and they sell real food, but whatever: COMFY CHAIRS, people!), and I've been able to make it to about one movie a year ever since. (Last year, in case you care, it was Where the Wild Things Are, the year before that Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull, and this year, it's Harry Potter 7 Pt1 .)
And even better, is that I've been introducing NLYNephew to all things Harry Potter over the course of the past year or so, so he's excited to come with us too! He hasn't made it as far as the last book yet, but he's caught up on the movies, and is a slow reader, so he's extremely curious to find out what happens. I have a feeling that, since it's only Part 1, he might not be too satisfied by the end of the movie, but I think it's still going to be awesome.
Which means I should go get dressed now or something, before I convince myself that it's ok to go out in public in my pajamas. (again). :)
Hope your weekend is bringing you something equally exciting to you!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
"Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart."*
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
That would be pies. And parades. And the people I love (in the abstract: once they all show up here, it's more likely they'd be on the "who do you want to leave you alone" list, but they work for right now). I'm excited for Thanksgiving, because I know I have things to be thankful for, even if I don't always remember to do it.
*Seneca
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
That would be pies. And parades. And the people I love (in the abstract: once they all show up here, it's more likely they'd be on the "who do you want to leave you alone" list, but they work for right now). I'm excited for Thanksgiving, because I know I have things to be thankful for, even if I don't always remember to do it.
*Seneca
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
It's a small thing,
but it's really nice to be home, where people can understand - and correctly make - a That's What She Said joke. Because SHE SAYS THINGS A LOT!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
"You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see
an actual baby emerging from her at that moment."*
Easiest one yet:
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? If it were me, I would A) have a party followed immediately by B) start my own religion, because this would definitely count as a miracle.
*Dave Barry
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Easiest one yet:
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? If it were me, I would A) have a party followed immediately by B) start my own religion, because this would definitely count as a miracle.
*Dave Barry
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Monday, November 22, 2010
I am not feeling any more like writing today than I did yesterday, which is not unexpected, but damned inconvenient as far as my NaBloPoMo / 30 days of truth posting goal goes. But who says it has to be thirty consecutive days? Not me.
So howdy. That's about all I've got to say today.
It's nice to be home in my own bed, and I am so exhausted that I have barely moved from it for the entire day. But I'm trying to take my own advice: I spent so much of the past two months I kept telling Grandmother how she had to listen to her body, all the while feeling like a hypocrite because I was ignoring mine as much as possible. I do not regret it, because it was necessary, and because, before I left both Grandmother and UJ pulled me aside (separately) to tell me that they didn't think she would have recovered so well or so quickly without my help. I don't really believe that, but I do know that I helped as best I could, and that, if nothing else, I was a good listener for both of them. So, no: no regrets, but boy were there some difficult physical challenges for me these past few months. But I'm determinedly taking my own advice today, and listening to my body as it yells, screams and cries out for r e s t . In my nice comfy bed, which I have truly missed.
I'm going to keep trying to stick to the schedule, so the plan is to be back here tomorrow. Be good until then. :0)
So howdy. That's about all I've got to say today.
It's nice to be home in my own bed, and I am so exhausted that I have barely moved from it for the entire day. But I'm trying to take my own advice: I spent so much of the past two months I kept telling Grandmother how she had to listen to her body, all the while feeling like a hypocrite because I was ignoring mine as much as possible. I do not regret it, because it was necessary, and because, before I left both Grandmother and UJ pulled me aside (separately) to tell me that they didn't think she would have recovered so well or so quickly without my help. I don't really believe that, but I do know that I helped as best I could, and that, if nothing else, I was a good listener for both of them. So, no: no regrets, but boy were there some difficult physical challenges for me these past few months. But I'm determinedly taking my own advice today, and listening to my body as it yells, screams and cries out for r e s t . In my nice comfy bed, which I have truly missed.
I'm going to keep trying to stick to the schedule, so the plan is to be back here tomorrow. Be good until then. :0)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
"If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values—they’re hobbies."*
Part two of yesterday's topic, politics could lend itself to a long-ish rant or two. But I'm exhausted: I came home today, after two and a half months with Grandmother at her house, and I'm relieved, happy, sad, exhausted, and discombobulated. Mostly discombobulated, as a lot of things are different here, and there's just ... stuff to deal with. Unwilling to deal with stuff, I'm instead trying to figure out how to put myself to bed twelve hours earlier than normal (and hope that it sticks).
So here's some political icons I've got saved on my computer, just because A) some of them are really funny; B) they fit the bill and C) I am too tired to think of smart things, like sentences.
via Lady Kara
via I'm voting Tea Party
via Maddow Show: The National Debt
Where would you rather live? via Lady Kara
*Jon Stewart
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
So here's some political icons I've got saved on my computer, just because A) some of them are really funny; B) they fit the bill and C) I am too tired to think of smart things, like sentences.
via Lady Kara
via I'm voting Tea Partyvia Maddow Show: The National Debt
Where would you rather live? via Lady Kara
*Jon Stewart
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Saturday, November 20, 2010
“It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are 20 gods, or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.”*
First up, religion.
Let me just say that I was raised Catholic: I was even obnoxiously uber-pious as a kid, the year I got some prayer books for Christmas and made my family wait till I read out the prayer before they could start eating, and then wait again so I could say a prayer when we were done. (But that was really more about taking books seriously than it was about taking church seriously. I stand by that devotion, absolutely, to this day: It's a good thing I'm typing this in really tiny print so my grandmother can't read over my shoulder, but IMO Books > God.)
I know a lot of my friends, family, and readers are faithful, and I don't judge them/you for it. Truth is I miss it, the belief that someone was out there looking out for me. I'm happy for people who still believe, but I'm just not one of them.
Classification wise I suppose I fall somewhere between Agnostic and Atheist, but I'm not exactly sure where. And I don't spend a lot of time pondering it, either.
So long as you don't try to use your religion as a battering ram, I promise to let you believe what you believe. I expect the same courtesy and don't always get it, but that's easy enough to ignore: Today, my Great Aunt Jean called from Ohio, and Great Aunt Jean is one of those people who don't seem to understand that what they believe is their business, what I believe is mine. She called to talk to Grandmother, but Grandmother and UJ had left for church (4:00 Mass on Saturdays = not having to get up and out in the cold early mornings). When I told her where they'd gone, there was a space, and then a "Oh, but you didn't go to with them?" Followed by another space which I got the impression she was waiting for me to fill in with a suitable reason for not attending (Suitable reasons for not attending in Great Aunt Jean's opinion: Plague, bubonic; Apocalypse; zombie; the End.) I just said "Nope" and waited for her to keep talking. She gave a little sigh, and started gearing up for her 'convert the heathen' spiel, ("you know, Jesus..." as if she, in fact, does know Jesus) but I decided to forgo the lecture and quickly changed the subject to something I knew she'd be interested in (how could I thicken the beef stew I was making, which I got then got a lecture in, unfortunately).
I am not interested in lectures: I was well versed in the mythology, and even taught it for a while myself, in high school. But nowadays, that's all it feels like to me: myths, and too often (as this topic intersects with politics) it's used as justification for things that I don't feel are justifiable. For me, it's not enough to say "the Bible/Koran/Torah/Flying Spaghetti Monster tells me that these people are less equal and so I will treat them poorly" and then expect that the rest of the world will just sit by and let that be ok. Not going to happen, as far as I'm concerned.
Of course, I also know a great many religious people to whom that previous paragraph does not apply. There are plenty of people of faith who believe in their higher power and that their behavior should be an example of kindness and charity and equality. That's a kind of religion I can get behind, minus the being in the clouds part. I'm all for peace and treating your neighbor as yourself, so I can't say that religion never taught me anything.
But here's a religion oriented graphic or two I've found in my travels. The first is a little... extreme, but I hope no one will be offended. It just struck me, and I thought I'd include it:
(via stone and bone tumblrThen there's the bible as re-imagined by Wil Wheaton:
A Someecard that pokes a little fun at the faith of my fathers:
But this is probably my favorite:
*Thomas Jefferson
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Friday, November 19, 2010
"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then...
... where are you?" ~Fanny Brice
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
I don't know if it's just a local thing, but here in the Boston area, we have a store called Filene's, which gave birth to a bargain version of the store, Filene's Basement. (Or we used to - it's since gone into bankruptcy and they closed a ton of the stores.) I think most people (around here, anyways) know it best because of their annual Running of the Brides extravaganza, where hundreds of designer gowns are sold at deep discounts for one day only, causing local brides to sleep outside and stampede into the stores. Back when I was in high school, they also had a much less advertised, one day only sale on prom gowns, where every gown was $50-90. (Which, even 10+ years ago, was pretty cheap for a prom dress around here.)
The first year I was old enough to go to a prom was sophomore year, when we had a semi-formal. My mom had been searching the newspaper for the advertisement, finally saw that it was scheduled for the next Saturday, and woke up ridiculously early to drive me and my best friend Ann-Marie the 25 or so minutes away to our nearest store. There were a few mothers and daughters sitting in cars waiting, like us, but the line wasn't horrible, and there was no stampede. We both managed to find fabulous dresses in a relatively short amount of time, and then my mom took us out for breakfast.
Junior year, I never made it to the dress-buying stage, because I got really sick right before prom, and wasn't able to go. (Although I did have a date, with a boy who turned into a real prick when I told him I couldn't go, but whatever - I stayed home with pneumonia, watching a Star Wars (pre-prequel) marathon instead, and I see on Facebook that that boy has since had some "legal" troubles.)
By the time my Senior prom rolled around, I was determined to go: I had already missed out on a lot of "normal" high school experiences because of my illness, and I really was set on going. I was partially home tutored and so was absent from most of the social aspects of school, like lunches and clubs and such, and I saw the prom as really my last shot at being a normal teenager.
I was going to go by myself, like I'd done as a sophomore, but one of my girlfriends started talking to a mutual guy friend of ours and she decided that we would go together. Since I'd literally gone to school with him since Kindergarten, and he knew I wouldn't really be able to dance or anything, we were fine to go together as friends.
When the day of the sale came, I managed to find two dresses that I loved: a black and pink Audrey Hepburn-ish number, with a high collar and a ballgown's bottom and a sweetheart necked, all black dress with a little rhinestone bling right on the front. We wound up taking them both home, even though, at nearly $100, I knew I'd have to return one of them. I tried those two dresses on, almost daily, for weeks, trying to decide. They hung on the back of my door and I would try to picture myself at the prom, wearing one or the other of them, trying to figure out which I should keep.
The all black dress was great: I felt fancy and skinny and gorgeous in it.
But the pink and black? I loved it. I loved it because it was different, because it felt elegant and classy and classic. Because it was totally unlike anything I'd ever seen before, and definitely unlike anything I'd ever worn before.
You have to keep in mind that I barely ever worn anything other than sweats or jeans to school. I didn't wear make up or have the energy to do my hair for 45 minutes like all of the rest of the girls - the little umph that I had had to last me through the two required classes I had left to take, and then I would come home and collapse in bed. I was never fancy or fashionable, and it seemed to me - even now, but especially then - that in one of the many classes I was missing, they must have been teaching all those girls how to do their hair and makeup or how to put outfits and shoes and whatever together, because I never picked up those skills. Those are things that I am - to my younger sisters' dismay - horrible at. I wore what was easy, what was comfortable, and never understood fashion or how it was supposed to relate to me.
Before I got sick, I was pretty bad at it, but at least I tried. Afterwards? I was lucky to get to school at all, and if that meant I had to go in the same shirt I'd worn the day before, well then that's what it meant. (Thankfully, at my (all girls) college, this - or, even better, pajamas - would be the norm, rather than the exception, but I didn't know that then.)
So I kept trying the dresses on, kept marvelling at the fact that I was actually, kind of/sort of ... almost beautiful when I was dressed like this. I'd stopped feeling pretty when I'd stopped being able to dance. I hated my body and the way it wouldn't do what I wanted it to do, and I hated the 10-15 extra pounds I'd put on since I stopped being able to move freely. I just... was so unhappy. But then I actually thought I looked GOOD in those dresses, I actually thought I was pretty.
- And it hurts me that I am still so negative about my body, and that I hate it for all the things it can't do instead of loving it for what it does. It's better now then it was then, but God, 16 years later, you'd think I'd have made more progress on accepting that this is the way I am! -
But I also didn't have enough confidence in the way I felt to make the bolder choice - in the end, the pink and black dress went back to the store, because I didn't feel like a good judge of what would fit in with everybody else, and I absolutely did NOT want to stick out anymore than I already did ("You know, the girl who falls down a lot? She wore the oddest dress to the prom....") and so I went with the safe dress, the safe choice. And I looked fabulous in that dress, don't get me wrong - I was skinny and beautiful and elegant, and I had a great time with my friends, even though I did eat a box and a half of caffeine pills just to stay awake, and it was a fabulous night, that I don't regret at all.
But now, sometimes, when I have to decide something that I don't really feel all that confident about, I wonder: am I choosing the black dress, or the Audrey Hepburn dress? Am I passing on my (probably only) chance to feel like an elegant icon, because it might make me different, might make me stand out? As somebody who hates standing out, it's hard to choose the pink and black, hard to pick the thing that'll get me noticed.
But it might just be worth it, too.
And that's something I wish I had done then. And I hope I'd do it differently if I had the chance again.
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
I don't know if it's just a local thing, but here in the Boston area, we have a store called Filene's, which gave birth to a bargain version of the store, Filene's Basement. (Or we used to - it's since gone into bankruptcy and they closed a ton of the stores.) I think most people (around here, anyways) know it best because of their annual Running of the Brides extravaganza, where hundreds of designer gowns are sold at deep discounts for one day only, causing local brides to sleep outside and stampede into the stores. Back when I was in high school, they also had a much less advertised, one day only sale on prom gowns, where every gown was $50-90. (Which, even 10+ years ago, was pretty cheap for a prom dress around here.)
The first year I was old enough to go to a prom was sophomore year, when we had a semi-formal. My mom had been searching the newspaper for the advertisement, finally saw that it was scheduled for the next Saturday, and woke up ridiculously early to drive me and my best friend Ann-Marie the 25 or so minutes away to our nearest store. There were a few mothers and daughters sitting in cars waiting, like us, but the line wasn't horrible, and there was no stampede. We both managed to find fabulous dresses in a relatively short amount of time, and then my mom took us out for breakfast.
Junior year, I never made it to the dress-buying stage, because I got really sick right before prom, and wasn't able to go. (Although I did have a date, with a boy who turned into a real prick when I told him I couldn't go, but whatever - I stayed home with pneumonia, watching a Star Wars (pre-prequel) marathon instead, and I see on Facebook that that boy has since had some "legal" troubles.)
By the time my Senior prom rolled around, I was determined to go: I had already missed out on a lot of "normal" high school experiences because of my illness, and I really was set on going. I was partially home tutored and so was absent from most of the social aspects of school, like lunches and clubs and such, and I saw the prom as really my last shot at being a normal teenager.
I was going to go by myself, like I'd done as a sophomore, but one of my girlfriends started talking to a mutual guy friend of ours and she decided that we would go together. Since I'd literally gone to school with him since Kindergarten, and he knew I wouldn't really be able to dance or anything, we were fine to go together as friends.
When the day of the sale came, I managed to find two dresses that I loved: a black and pink Audrey Hepburn-ish number, with a high collar and a ballgown's bottom and a sweetheart necked, all black dress with a little rhinestone bling right on the front. We wound up taking them both home, even though, at nearly $100, I knew I'd have to return one of them. I tried those two dresses on, almost daily, for weeks, trying to decide. They hung on the back of my door and I would try to picture myself at the prom, wearing one or the other of them, trying to figure out which I should keep.
The all black dress was great: I felt fancy and skinny and gorgeous in it.
But the pink and black? I loved it. I loved it because it was different, because it felt elegant and classy and classic. Because it was totally unlike anything I'd ever seen before, and definitely unlike anything I'd ever worn before.
You have to keep in mind that I barely ever worn anything other than sweats or jeans to school. I didn't wear make up or have the energy to do my hair for 45 minutes like all of the rest of the girls - the little umph that I had had to last me through the two required classes I had left to take, and then I would come home and collapse in bed. I was never fancy or fashionable, and it seemed to me - even now, but especially then - that in one of the many classes I was missing, they must have been teaching all those girls how to do their hair and makeup or how to put outfits and shoes and whatever together, because I never picked up those skills. Those are things that I am - to my younger sisters' dismay - horrible at. I wore what was easy, what was comfortable, and never understood fashion or how it was supposed to relate to me.
Before I got sick, I was pretty bad at it, but at least I tried. Afterwards? I was lucky to get to school at all, and if that meant I had to go in the same shirt I'd worn the day before, well then that's what it meant. (Thankfully, at my (all girls) college, this - or, even better, pajamas - would be the norm, rather than the exception, but I didn't know that then.)
So I kept trying the dresses on, kept marvelling at the fact that I was actually, kind of/sort of ... almost beautiful when I was dressed like this. I'd stopped feeling pretty when I'd stopped being able to dance. I hated my body and the way it wouldn't do what I wanted it to do, and I hated the 10-15 extra pounds I'd put on since I stopped being able to move freely. I just... was so unhappy. But then I actually thought I looked GOOD in those dresses, I actually thought I was pretty.
- And it hurts me that I am still so negative about my body, and that I hate it for all the things it can't do instead of loving it for what it does. It's better now then it was then, but God, 16 years later, you'd think I'd have made more progress on accepting that this is the way I am! -
But I also didn't have enough confidence in the way I felt to make the bolder choice - in the end, the pink and black dress went back to the store, because I didn't feel like a good judge of what would fit in with everybody else, and I absolutely did NOT want to stick out anymore than I already did ("You know, the girl who falls down a lot? She wore the oddest dress to the prom....") and so I went with the safe dress, the safe choice. And I looked fabulous in that dress, don't get me wrong - I was skinny and beautiful and elegant, and I had a great time with my friends, even though I did eat a box and a half of caffeine pills just to stay awake, and it was a fabulous night, that I don't regret at all.
But now, sometimes, when I have to decide something that I don't really feel all that confident about, I wonder: am I choosing the black dress, or the Audrey Hepburn dress? Am I passing on my (probably only) chance to feel like an elegant icon, because it might make me different, might make me stand out? As somebody who hates standing out, it's hard to choose the pink and black, hard to pick the thing that'll get me noticed.
But it might just be worth it, too.
And that's something I wish I had done then. And I hope I'd do it differently if I had the chance again.
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Thursday, November 18, 2010
"I wouldn't stop for a beer...."
Did I previously mention that I am really good at starting projects, but that sticking to them is something of a ... challenge for me? I thought so. But I'm determined to stick to the spirit of this thing, and to keep to the truth for 30 days.
However, as was evidenced by yesterday's post, I've decided the order of these questions doesn't suit me. Today's post is evidence that even some of the questions - as written - don't suit me. Case in point, Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Why is this even a question? If a friend, any friend of mine, was in a car accident, regardless of whether or not we had gotten into a fight, I would bust my ass getting to the emergency room. If they needed me, I would be there, fight or no fight. (Which is kind of beside the point, because I don't really fight with my friends, so I substituted the word "sister" in my mind, because that's more likely.) In answer to your question, however, I submit the following video, courtesy of one of my OTPs & the fabulous Aaron Sorkin:
"I wouldn't stop for red lights."
It's just that simple. (I told you: I'm very loyal.)
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
However, as was evidenced by yesterday's post, I've decided the order of these questions doesn't suit me. Today's post is evidence that even some of the questions - as written - don't suit me. Case in point, Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Why is this even a question? If a friend, any friend of mine, was in a car accident, regardless of whether or not we had gotten into a fight, I would bust my ass getting to the emergency room. If they needed me, I would be there, fight or no fight. (Which is kind of beside the point, because I don't really fight with my friends, so I substituted the word "sister" in my mind, because that's more likely.) In answer to your question, however, I submit the following video, courtesy of one of my OTPs & the fabulous Aaron Sorkin:
"I wouldn't stop for red lights."
It's just that simple. (I told you: I'm very loyal.)
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
"No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody"*
I'm trying to come up with a good answer for day 17, so we're going to come back to that.
Instead: Day 18: My views on gay marriage, which are much easier to clarify.
My views on gay marriage are that there should be no such thing.
Not because I have a problem with same-sex couples getting married, but because I have a problem with people trying to separate out one type of marriage from any other. There should just be marriage Period. The End.
You are straight and you want to get married? Go ahead. You're gay and you want to get married? Feel free. And so long as you are two consenting adult human beings (which goes without saying unless you are one of those people who think that same-sex marriage will lead to people marrying their coyote friends or something, in which case, why are you reading my blog?) then everybody else should just shut the hell up and mind their own business.
Also? I live in Massachusetts, and I'd be happy if we changed our state motto to "First in the country to give all loving couples their unalienable rights! Get on board America!" (Or something along those lines but much more witty.) I have no patience of bigotry of any kind, and institutionalized bigotry (I'm looking at you DADT!) should be immediately corrected and left to the history books where it belongs.
*Rita Mae Brown
Bonus: I found more than one good quote for this entry, so I'm including a couple, just because I can...
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Instead: Day 18: My views on gay marriage, which are much easier to clarify.
My views on gay marriage are that there should be no such thing.
Not because I have a problem with same-sex couples getting married, but because I have a problem with people trying to separate out one type of marriage from any other. There should just be marriage Period. The End.
You are straight and you want to get married? Go ahead. You're gay and you want to get married? Feel free. And so long as you are two consenting adult human beings (which goes without saying unless you are one of those people who think that same-sex marriage will lead to people marrying their coyote friends or something, in which case, why are you reading my blog?) then everybody else should just shut the hell up and mind their own business.
Also? I live in Massachusetts, and I'd be happy if we changed our state motto to "First in the country to give all loving couples their unalienable rights! Get on board America!" (Or something along those lines but much more witty.) I have no patience of bigotry of any kind, and institutionalized bigotry (I'm looking at you DADT!) should be immediately corrected and left to the history books where it belongs.
*Rita Mae Brown
Bonus: I found more than one good quote for this entry, so I'm including a couple, just because I can...
Paul Newman
I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.
Robert Towne
People who can't think of anything else but whether the person you love is indented or convex should be doomed not to think of anything else but that, and so miss the other ninety-five percent of life.
James Baldwin
Everybody's journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality.
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.*
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Off the top of my head, just today? Here's a partial list:
Hives; the (holy crap why is it on so often when they have nothing new to say) news; days without naps; days of truth topics that sound like days of truth topics I've already written about. Children & grandchildren who don't call their grand/mother (especially if they know she's worrying about them); drama; George W Bush (I don't care if you 'wrote' a book - I am not going to read it because I do not want to cry, so shut up and go away); strep throat. The ideas of political compromise and lame duck congress; hives; earworms; 24 hour days (what's up with that? 24 is not a good number. It is not a number I can get things accomplished in.); medication side effects; cigarettes; that guy on the "news" who is paid to give his (ridiculously uninformed) opinion; anybody who's going to see HP7 before I get to, even though I already know the end of it. Nights with no sleep; stairs; asphalt sidewalks (or brick sidewalks, alternatively); roots; hives.
That should count us for the day, yes? Because I am sure if I really put some thought into it, I could get a good steam going.
*Lily Tomlin
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Off the top of my head, just today? Here's a partial list:
Hives; the (holy crap why is it on so often when they have nothing new to say) news; days without naps; days of truth topics that sound like days of truth topics I've already written about. Children & grandchildren who don't call their grand/mother (especially if they know she's worrying about them); drama; George W Bush (I don't care if you 'wrote' a book - I am not going to read it because I do not want to cry, so shut up and go away); strep throat. The ideas of political compromise and lame duck congress; hives; earworms; 24 hour days (what's up with that? 24 is not a good number. It is not a number I can get things accomplished in.); medication side effects; cigarettes; that guy on the "news" who is paid to give his (ridiculously uninformed) opinion; anybody who's going to see HP7 before I get to, even though I already know the end of it. Nights with no sleep; stairs; asphalt sidewalks (or brick sidewalks, alternatively); roots; hives.
That should count us for the day, yes? Because I am sure if I really put some thought into it, I could get a good steam going.
*Lily Tomlin
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Monday, November 15, 2010
"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea"*
Day 15: Something/one you couldn't live without because you've tried living without it.
If you don't know me, this is going to sound ... odd, but my answer is salt. And I'm not just talking about "biologically, sodium is a requirement for blah blah blah..." I'm talking about, I am legitimately hooked on salt.
Back when I first got sick, I lost my appetite. It happened suddenly, just overnight: Flip: Food is not appealing anymore. And so, I stopped eating. I had some very large rows with my parents about this, at the time, turning the dinner table into yet another place where I didn't want to be because nobody understood me. (Please also remember that I was 15-16, and that did not help things.) After a while, and a lot of weight lost, I woke up from a nap one day suddenly craving salt. Not food, not salty food, just SALT. I had to have it, as much as possible, as quickly as possible.
Since my mother quickly ix-nayed my pouring entire piles of salt in my hand and licking it off (even though I did it when she wasn't looking), she started stockpiling salty foods, in an effort to get me to eat something. At first, I just kept licking the salt off of things like Saltines and Tostitos, but eventually, I would up eating them too. And although my appetite never fully returned, I started to be able to stomach foods and meals again.
But the salt craving never went away. It was so bad that first Christmas that my brother bought me one of these for Christmas:
Yeah, that's a brick of salt. He found it at an animal supply store, and that's where I found this picture, too. I guess you use it for horses. It is literally a brick made of salt.
And it was supposed to be a joke.
But if you think I didn't chip off little cubes of salt to stick in my pocket and pop in my mouth whenever I wanted them, then you haven't been paying attention to this post at all.
Waaay back, probably about 4 years into this ridiculousness, a doctor thought that my salt cravings would prove to be the answer to all my problems: I obviously had whatever disease of the week she was studying that had salt cravings as a symptom. (I think, and I wasn't paying much attention, but I think it had to do with Cortisol? or cortisone, or something like that.) Anyways, it turned out not to be the problem that I had, and that doctor dropped me like a hot potato.
Since then, the general consensus among the doctors is that salt is good for me! Fluid retention is important in orthostatic intolerance, and your body is trying to make up for what you're not getting naturally! It'll help raise your blood pressure! So, I stay on the salt.
But here at Grandmother's house, with her post stroke low-sodium diet? I am sneaking it like it's crack. Hiding actual-salt Saltines in my room, and putting the salt shaker behind my glass at dinner. I have tried going without it, because I feel SO GUILTY when Grandmother looks up from her plate to see me adding more salt to my mashed potatoes (who can eat salt-less mashed potatoes????), but it just does. not. work. for. me. (Mum says my currently unexplained hives could be a symptom of sodium withdrawal, but that's just because she thinks she's funny.)
So that's that: Nothing heavy, just salt. Now, I would pay you a pretty sum if you could manage to sneak some Pringles in here....
*Isak Dinesen
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
If you don't know me, this is going to sound ... odd, but my answer is salt. And I'm not just talking about "biologically, sodium is a requirement for blah blah blah..." I'm talking about, I am legitimately hooked on salt.
Back when I first got sick, I lost my appetite. It happened suddenly, just overnight: Flip: Food is not appealing anymore. And so, I stopped eating. I had some very large rows with my parents about this, at the time, turning the dinner table into yet another place where I didn't want to be because nobody understood me. (Please also remember that I was 15-16, and that did not help things.) After a while, and a lot of weight lost, I woke up from a nap one day suddenly craving salt. Not food, not salty food, just SALT. I had to have it, as much as possible, as quickly as possible.
Since my mother quickly ix-nayed my pouring entire piles of salt in my hand and licking it off (even though I did it when she wasn't looking), she started stockpiling salty foods, in an effort to get me to eat something. At first, I just kept licking the salt off of things like Saltines and Tostitos, but eventually, I would up eating them too. And although my appetite never fully returned, I started to be able to stomach foods and meals again.
But the salt craving never went away. It was so bad that first Christmas that my brother bought me one of these for Christmas:
Yeah, that's a brick of salt. He found it at an animal supply store, and that's where I found this picture, too. I guess you use it for horses. It is literally a brick made of salt.
And it was supposed to be a joke.
But if you think I didn't chip off little cubes of salt to stick in my pocket and pop in my mouth whenever I wanted them, then you haven't been paying attention to this post at all.
Waaay back, probably about 4 years into this ridiculousness, a doctor thought that my salt cravings would prove to be the answer to all my problems: I obviously had whatever disease of the week she was studying that had salt cravings as a symptom. (I think, and I wasn't paying much attention, but I think it had to do with Cortisol? or cortisone, or something like that.) Anyways, it turned out not to be the problem that I had, and that doctor dropped me like a hot potato.
Since then, the general consensus among the doctors is that salt is good for me! Fluid retention is important in orthostatic intolerance, and your body is trying to make up for what you're not getting naturally! It'll help raise your blood pressure! So, I stay on the salt.
But here at Grandmother's house, with her post stroke low-sodium diet? I am sneaking it like it's crack. Hiding actual-salt Saltines in my room, and putting the salt shaker behind my glass at dinner. I have tried going without it, because I feel SO GUILTY when Grandmother looks up from her plate to see me adding more salt to my mashed potatoes (who can eat salt-less mashed potatoes????), but it just does. not. work. for. me. (Mum says my currently unexplained hives could be a symptom of sodium withdrawal, but that's just because she thinks she's funny.)
So that's that: Nothing heavy, just salt. Now, I would pay you a pretty sum if you could manage to sneak some Pringles in here....
*Isak Dinesen
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Sunday, November 14, 2010
"...the family disease of alcoholism... made us 'co-victims', those who take on the characteristics of the disease without ever taking a drink"*
Day 14: A letter to a hero who has let you down
I wasn't going to write this letter, but ... I didn't feel that I could skip it, since I'm trying to hold myself accountable for things. And then I thought, well, write about Obama, and how he's disappointed you as president (true), but there was no getting around the fact that if I wrote that letter (which I have composed many times in my head), it would just be a cop out: Obama is a great person, and while I want him to be an extraordinary leader, I've never considered him a hero of mine.
Instead, I decided to go exactly where I didn't want to go, and be glad to get it said here, where (almost) nobody who knows the people involved would read it. There are things I should have said that need saying, people in my life who I wish could've remained untarnished heroes to me.
The fact that growing older means seeing another side to things doesn't always mean you forget how it felt when you were younger. I don't even think it should. It's important that I remember that I once was a little girl who loved her daddy, and whose daddy hurt her very badly. A young woman who trusted that her big brother was smart enough to not stomp on her heart, and who was (unfortunately) proven wrong. A daughter who cared enough about her parents to tell them that they were ruining their relationships with everyone around them, even if those warnings were met with harshness and hurt. A friend who tried to point her friends in the right direction, but wound up watching as they stumbled the other way instead.
However, I'm going to preemptively apologize to you, the actual readers of this letter: It started off as one thing and sort of snowballed into something else. Instead of the one person I had intended to write the letter to, I wound up with a whole lot of heroes who had let me down, and they sort of made themselves known as I was going along. So the tense changes, and apparent contradictions, and utter... incomprehensibility of some portions of this letter are my own fault, but I chose to leave them in, because they meant something to me. I'm sorry if that makes it more difficult for all of you.
Dear ___________,
Let me start with this - perhaps, I understand better now, as an adult, the urge to slip into oblivion. The urge to just be numb, and not feel the pain that is life. I can understand that, and at the same time condemn you for doing it.
I can see now that there are things you may have done or that happened to you in your life that you would rather forget, however momentarily. I can even, with hindsight, see that it was those things, and not me, or my lack of something, that made you turn to the substance of your choice, no matter how it felt at the time.
But I can't ever forget that you made that choice, those choices. That you are continuing to make that choice, regardless of what I say or how I feel. That your choice took you away from me, or that it is putting space between us. An unending space, a gulf that I can't imagine ever being able to bridge or span or ford. And that I can't make you see that your choices are harmful to you and to those around you.
When I was a kid, you were ... everything. Two everythings. Three everythings. Four everythngs. All the people a little girl looks up to, the people who are supposed to do their best to look out for her, that she's supposed to be able to count on. And that four of my everythings would make the same choices, would, one by one, abandon me in a way that was heart-freezingly painful, would pick a substance over me (no matter that that isn't what you think/thought you were doing: it is what happened from my point of view) has been soul crushing.
I don't think I've made that clear enough in person, when I've had the chance, so here, let me repeat it (Yes, in the safety of this space that you will never read it, but at least it will be said): You crushed me.
You each did it individually, and that can not be overlooked, but the group of you together? Each making your own individual choices to turn away from our family and towards something ... else. Well, what that does to a girl, to a young woman, to a woman, you'll just never know.
Did you know it would end us? Did you know that it would ruin everything we had? If you had known, could you have chosen differently? How is it possible that, given all the examples, given the example of each other, you didn't know how badly it would hurt - not just me, but you, and all of us?
If a hero is someone you can look up to, there are still a lot of ways in which you all are heroic to me - your service, your support, your love, your example, your hearts, your willing hands, your quick minds - but it is that one way in which you have let me down that I have talked about today. I could sing your praises in a million different ways, but for today, just for this letter, I wanted you to know just how badly you let me down.
But I still love/d you, tarnish and all.
Love, NTE
*Adult Children of Alcoholics, World Service Organization, Inc.
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
I wasn't going to write this letter, but ... I didn't feel that I could skip it, since I'm trying to hold myself accountable for things. And then I thought, well, write about Obama, and how he's disappointed you as president (true), but there was no getting around the fact that if I wrote that letter (which I have composed many times in my head), it would just be a cop out: Obama is a great person, and while I want him to be an extraordinary leader, I've never considered him a hero of mine.
Instead, I decided to go exactly where I didn't want to go, and be glad to get it said here, where (almost) nobody who knows the people involved would read it. There are things I should have said that need saying, people in my life who I wish could've remained untarnished heroes to me.
The fact that growing older means seeing another side to things doesn't always mean you forget how it felt when you were younger. I don't even think it should. It's important that I remember that I once was a little girl who loved her daddy, and whose daddy hurt her very badly. A young woman who trusted that her big brother was smart enough to not stomp on her heart, and who was (unfortunately) proven wrong. A daughter who cared enough about her parents to tell them that they were ruining their relationships with everyone around them, even if those warnings were met with harshness and hurt. A friend who tried to point her friends in the right direction, but wound up watching as they stumbled the other way instead.
However, I'm going to preemptively apologize to you, the actual readers of this letter: It started off as one thing and sort of snowballed into something else. Instead of the one person I had intended to write the letter to, I wound up with a whole lot of heroes who had let me down, and they sort of made themselves known as I was going along. So the tense changes, and apparent contradictions, and utter... incomprehensibility of some portions of this letter are my own fault, but I chose to leave them in, because they meant something to me. I'm sorry if that makes it more difficult for all of you.
Dear ___________,
Let me start with this - perhaps, I understand better now, as an adult, the urge to slip into oblivion. The urge to just be numb, and not feel the pain that is life. I can understand that, and at the same time condemn you for doing it.
I can see now that there are things you may have done or that happened to you in your life that you would rather forget, however momentarily. I can even, with hindsight, see that it was those things, and not me, or my lack of something, that made you turn to the substance of your choice, no matter how it felt at the time.
But I can't ever forget that you made that choice, those choices. That you are continuing to make that choice, regardless of what I say or how I feel. That your choice took you away from me, or that it is putting space between us. An unending space, a gulf that I can't imagine ever being able to bridge or span or ford. And that I can't make you see that your choices are harmful to you and to those around you.
When I was a kid, you were ... everything. Two everythings. Three everythings. Four everythngs. All the people a little girl looks up to, the people who are supposed to do their best to look out for her, that she's supposed to be able to count on. And that four of my everythings would make the same choices, would, one by one, abandon me in a way that was heart-freezingly painful, would pick a substance over me (no matter that that isn't what you think/thought you were doing: it is what happened from my point of view) has been soul crushing.
I don't think I've made that clear enough in person, when I've had the chance, so here, let me repeat it (Yes, in the safety of this space that you will never read it, but at least it will be said): You crushed me.
You each did it individually, and that can not be overlooked, but the group of you together? Each making your own individual choices to turn away from our family and towards something ... else. Well, what that does to a girl, to a young woman, to a woman, you'll just never know.
Did you know it would end us? Did you know that it would ruin everything we had? If you had known, could you have chosen differently? How is it possible that, given all the examples, given the example of each other, you didn't know how badly it would hurt - not just me, but you, and all of us?
If a hero is someone you can look up to, there are still a lot of ways in which you all are heroic to me - your service, your support, your love, your example, your hearts, your willing hands, your quick minds - but it is that one way in which you have let me down that I have talked about today. I could sing your praises in a million different ways, but for today, just for this letter, I wanted you to know just how badly you let me down.
But I still love/d you, tarnish and all.
Love, NTE
*Adult Children of Alcoholics, World Service Organization, Inc.
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Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Saturday, November 13, 2010
"I don't want the world to see me, cuz I don't think that they'd understand when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am"*
Day 13 : A Band or Artist that has gotten you through some tough-ass days
Dear City of Angels Soundtrack (Specifically songs 1, 2, 6,7,8, 13 & 14):
I've always been one for music, but can't remember any special allegiance to a particular band or artist. There's been a lot of tough times in my life, and music has helped me through them, sure enough. But never any one group, never any one artist that stood above the rest.
However.
Do you remember that period during my sophomore year of college, and the summer immediately following it, when my educational advisor advised that I think about a "career other than education"? When the resident advisor advised me that I would "have to live in a building without an elevator: everybody has to!" and that I wouldn't be able to get an earlier number in the housing lottery "just because I wasn't feeling well" ?
When two out of four of my sisters weren't speaking to me because I was ruining their lives by demanding that they not spray perfumes in the house, or because they had to be quiet over the weekends, while I was home resting? When my Grandfather died, and my alcoholic father was a jackass to me at his funeral?
When I really was so sick that I thought, for sure, I wouldn't be able to go back to school come the fall? And I was literally bedbound to the point that watching Jeopardy with my mother and Nana became the highlight of my day because it was the only time I could be involved in something that didn't require me to move at all but was still entertaining?
Yeah: that was a pretty tough time for me. And the tv was too loud and too bright and it hurt my eyes and my head, so I couldn't really turn there. And the radio would get boring after a few hours, or I'd get too fed up with the commercials. And there you were, sitting in a stack of my sister's CDs.
I managed to catch her on a good enough day that she said I could borrow you, and I think I kept you for about 5 years after that. But it was that first year that really mattered. That first year were I felt like "This is music that understands that not all the world is awesome and happy. Thank god." Because I really, really, needed something that wasn't sugarcoating it, and something that wasn't going to ignore the very real pain I was in.
Looking back, it seems kind of absurd that all those songs about angels and spirits and a cheesy Nicholas Cage/Meg Ryan movie could possibly have meant anything, but they did. They were just the right amount of melancholy for a girl who felt like the whole world was moving on without her, who was mourning the woman she was supposed to have been.
So thanks, purloined soundtrack from a movie that I only watched once and couldn't bear to sit through again (sad. Sad movie.): I appreciate the angst of your songs just enough to listen to you on repeat, endlessly, for the better part of a year. Life was kicking my ass, and (while it has not yet decided to stop) it was nice to have a partner in my malaise, somebody who understood that world was HARD, and SAD and it was ok to feel it. Thanks for letting me stew in my funk for as long as I needed to, because eventually I came out the other side (mostly).
*Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Dear City of Angels Soundtrack (Specifically songs 1, 2, 6,7,8, 13 & 14):
I've always been one for music, but can't remember any special allegiance to a particular band or artist. There's been a lot of tough times in my life, and music has helped me through them, sure enough. But never any one group, never any one artist that stood above the rest.
However.
Do you remember that period during my sophomore year of college, and the summer immediately following it, when my educational advisor advised that I think about a "career other than education"? When the resident advisor advised me that I would "have to live in a building without an elevator: everybody has to!" and that I wouldn't be able to get an earlier number in the housing lottery "just because I wasn't feeling well" ?
When two out of four of my sisters weren't speaking to me because I was ruining their lives by demanding that they not spray perfumes in the house, or because they had to be quiet over the weekends, while I was home resting? When my Grandfather died, and my alcoholic father was a jackass to me at his funeral?
When I really was so sick that I thought, for sure, I wouldn't be able to go back to school come the fall? And I was literally bedbound to the point that watching Jeopardy with my mother and Nana became the highlight of my day because it was the only time I could be involved in something that didn't require me to move at all but was still entertaining?
Yeah: that was a pretty tough time for me. And the tv was too loud and too bright and it hurt my eyes and my head, so I couldn't really turn there. And the radio would get boring after a few hours, or I'd get too fed up with the commercials. And there you were, sitting in a stack of my sister's CDs.
I managed to catch her on a good enough day that she said I could borrow you, and I think I kept you for about 5 years after that. But it was that first year that really mattered. That first year were I felt like "This is music that understands that not all the world is awesome and happy. Thank god." Because I really, really, needed something that wasn't sugarcoating it, and something that wasn't going to ignore the very real pain I was in.
Looking back, it seems kind of absurd that all those songs about angels and spirits and a cheesy Nicholas Cage/Meg Ryan movie could possibly have meant anything, but they did. They were just the right amount of melancholy for a girl who felt like the whole world was moving on without her, who was mourning the woman she was supposed to have been.
Truth.
"the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this"
More truth.
"For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction"
Truest yet.
"God has got his phone off the hook
Babe, would he even pick up if he could?"
So thanks, purloined soundtrack from a movie that I only watched once and couldn't bear to sit through again (sad. Sad movie.): I appreciate the angst of your songs just enough to listen to you on repeat, endlessly, for the better part of a year. Life was kicking my ass, and (while it has not yet decided to stop) it was nice to have a partner in my malaise, somebody who understood that world was HARD, and SAD and it was ok to feel it. Thanks for letting me stew in my funk for as long as I needed to, because eventually I came out the other side (mostly).
*Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Friday, November 12, 2010
"My first language was shy"*
Day 11: Something you never get compliments on
I'm a little confused about this topic - I wonder if it's supposed to be something that I am so bad at that nobody would ever compliment me on it (in which case, it would be a gigantically long list), or something that I think I am good at but don't feel I get enough credit for.
I'm going to take the less-easy route here, and go with my second option.
I feel like I do not get enough credit - or hardly ever get complimented on - my ability to get past my natural shyness and actually say words.
If you say you are a blogger, people automatically think that means you're not shy: You're putting yourself - or your words, or your product - out for the public to see, so shyness must not apply. Certainly a blogger cannot be timid. But, oh, how timid I really feel, and oh, how much the term "shy" applies to me.
I have, in point of fact, been told that I am not actually shy - although why other people should think they're a better judge of how I feel about interacting with outsiders than I do, I can't imagine. If I talk about my anxiety level in dealing with groups of people, or the fact that if I were going to a party I would prepare little conversations in my head so that I could have something to say if someone dared to talk to me, it has always been received with surprise: "But you're not shy!" they say "You talk to everybody/ You're always doing something/ You always give your opinion on anything we're talking about!"
Right - That's partially true. I do go out of my way to do those things, to make myself open my mouth, but my natural inclination? The reason I always find a task to do or a specific person to latch on to? Is because otherwise I would be almost frozen with fear that nobody would even notice I am there. Or because I would be so scared that I would be stuck on the periphery of whatever is going on and that someone might notice me. And they might ask me a question to which I have no answer.
Here, on my (mostly) anonymous own blog page, words come pretty easily to me: I say what I want to say, hold back very little, and only occasionally find myself worried about the reaction to what I say might be. Even so, I have to consciously make the decision to get over an almost stupefying fear every time I sit here and open up that post screen.
That I am able to do so is - I think - mostly because of the very small audience I actually have. My considerate and loyal readers are awesome, no doubt. But, let's not fool ourselves, there are so few of you that I can not be intimidated by what your reaction will be to what I type. If we disagree, there will be no attacking mob - you and I will figure it out, I doubt there will be any marching off in huffs. In the rare instances that there have been commenters who really disagreed with what I was saying (like one comment on a long ago post about disability rights where I mentioned that having pets was essentially you telling me that I was not welcome at your house, and the pet owning-commenter vehemently disagreed that this was rude or inconsiderate in anyway), it has stuck in my mind and I have considered it again and again.
Here in our own tiny world, I also tend to forget that what I say isn't really a secret between us, but something that ANYBODY can see: I absolutely have to forget this when I am writing (did not even want to type the words right now), or else I would immediately be forced (by my fear of ... IDK being seen, or not being seen or something!) to shut down the site. When, for example, the comic book world suddenly started to come peeking in on what I had written about Oracle, I was both flattered and horribly frightened... You mean people can SEE ME???
It made me really consider what the hell I was doing, putting all my thoughts out here for all the world to read like that. Someone might think I was ... wrong. Or stupid. Or they might... gasp.. get clued in on the fact that I don't know everything in the entire world! This could be disastrous!!!
But I swallowed back my anxiety, and I took some time (ok, a lot longer than I would have liked, but I ain't perfect) to realize that putting myself out here in public like this is not going to be the end of the world - I have been doing it for five years now, and some people actually like the real me, so isn't it worth it to take the chance and keep clickety clacking all these little words and posts out?
In real life, my shyness/social anxiety/ awkwardness is even worse: There are no first drafts! There's no walking away if you've made an error (like forgetting somebody's name)! There's no "I will just read this, and then click away if I am uncomfortable or if people are being rude or if it is overwhelming"!
In other words, the real world, with all it's reality, is horrible for shy people.
Or, at the very least, for this shy person.
And it's not just because I am so physically different than everybody else in the room, because I know that I was shy even before I got sick, but it's so much worse now, because I can not melt into the background in a chair that makes as much noise as a team of horses, or when I have to ask extra questions about what we're eating (so that it doesn't make me sick) or when I have to excuse myself from the room because your perfume is making me nauseous: None of those things enable me to be discreet and low-key! And now people are looking at me, and Holy Crap that girl is totally going to talk to me, why isn't there a corner I can hide in!
I sometimes think that getting sick (or having a disability) and being shy are just not compatible, because there's so much extra work you have to do if you have a disability. So much more attention that you don't have a choice about receiving.
But, it's also one of the things that helps me overcome my shyness - finding the disability blogosphere is one of the most rewarding things I've ever done, and one of the places I feel most comfortable, and most willing to participate in group experiences (blog carnivals - who would have ever imagined?) And presenting my thesis on disability and children's literature in front of a group of my peers (gah!) led me to leading teacher's workshops about disability in classrooms and helped me to feel like I knew what I was talking about and that I had a valid perspective that deserved to be listened to.
But the shyness is still there, the anxiety is ever present anytime I leave the house or open up a blank page. (I think the only time I am not shy is with kids: Hello, Kindergarten teacher much?) I fill up silences with words, in the hopes that other people won't notice I'm so uncomfortable I want to run away. I do battle with the verbal bullies of my family at gatherings, baiting them and then stepping away, because I know they're full of hot air, and that if people are paying attention to them, then they are not paying attention to me. I seek out the rooms where the kids are playing, and designate myself as in charge. I find a corner and park myself in it, and then hope against hope that somebody will care enough to wander over, and that, when they do, I'll be able to participate without showing the bashfulness that might overtake me at anytime.
So it may be that my shyness hiding skills are so advanced that people don't notice them (I'm a shyness ninja!), but that's something I don't get a lot of compliments on, beating back that almost constant inclination to just sit and not say a word, because what if that makes somebody look at me, holy crap! and actually put myself - in words or in physical space - out there.
And it's damn hard, I'll tell you that.
*Al Pacino
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
I'm a little confused about this topic - I wonder if it's supposed to be something that I am so bad at that nobody would ever compliment me on it (in which case, it would be a gigantically long list), or something that I think I am good at but don't feel I get enough credit for.
I'm going to take the less-easy route here, and go with my second option.
I feel like I do not get enough credit - or hardly ever get complimented on - my ability to get past my natural shyness and actually say words.
If you say you are a blogger, people automatically think that means you're not shy: You're putting yourself - or your words, or your product - out for the public to see, so shyness must not apply. Certainly a blogger cannot be timid. But, oh, how timid I really feel, and oh, how much the term "shy" applies to me.
I have, in point of fact, been told that I am not actually shy - although why other people should think they're a better judge of how I feel about interacting with outsiders than I do, I can't imagine. If I talk about my anxiety level in dealing with groups of people, or the fact that if I were going to a party I would prepare little conversations in my head so that I could have something to say if someone dared to talk to me, it has always been received with surprise: "But you're not shy!" they say "You talk to everybody/ You're always doing something/ You always give your opinion on anything we're talking about!"
Right - That's partially true. I do go out of my way to do those things, to make myself open my mouth, but my natural inclination? The reason I always find a task to do or a specific person to latch on to? Is because otherwise I would be almost frozen with fear that nobody would even notice I am there. Or because I would be so scared that I would be stuck on the periphery of whatever is going on and that someone might
Here, on my (mostly) anonymous own blog page, words come pretty easily to me: I say what I want to say, hold back very little, and only occasionally find myself worried about the reaction to what I say might be. Even so, I have to consciously make the decision to get over an almost stupefying fear every time I sit here and open up that post screen.
That I am able to do so is - I think - mostly because of the very small audience I actually have. My considerate and loyal readers are awesome, no doubt. But, let's not fool ourselves, there are so few of you that I can not be intimidated by what your reaction will be to what I type. If we disagree, there will be no attacking mob - you and I will figure it out, I doubt there will be any marching off in huffs. In the rare instances that there have been commenters who really disagreed with what I was saying (like one comment on a long ago post about disability rights where I mentioned that having pets was essentially you telling me that I was not welcome at your house, and the pet owning-commenter vehemently disagreed that this was rude or inconsiderate in anyway), it has stuck in my mind and I have considered it again and again.
Here in our own tiny world, I also tend to forget that what I say isn't really a secret between us, but something that ANYBODY can see: I absolutely have to forget this when I am writing (did not even want to type the words right now), or else I would immediately be forced (by my fear of ... IDK being seen, or not being seen or something!) to shut down the site. When, for example, the comic book world suddenly started to come peeking in on what I had written about Oracle, I was both flattered and horribly frightened... You mean people can SEE ME???
It made me really consider what the hell I was doing, putting all my thoughts out here for all the world to read like that. Someone might think I was ... wrong. Or stupid. Or they might... gasp.. get clued in on the fact that I don't know everything in the entire world! This could be disastrous!!!
But I swallowed back my anxiety, and I took some time (ok, a lot longer than I would have liked, but I ain't perfect) to realize that putting myself out here in public like this is not going to be the end of the world - I have been doing it for five years now, and some people actually like the real me, so isn't it worth it to take the chance and keep clickety clacking all these little words and posts out?
In real life, my shyness/social anxiety/ awkwardness is even worse: There are no first drafts! There's no walking away if you've made an error (like forgetting somebody's name)! There's no "I will just read this, and then click away if I am uncomfortable or if people are being rude or if it is overwhelming"!
In other words, the real world, with all it's reality, is horrible for shy people.
Or, at the very least, for this shy person.
And it's not just because I am so physically different than everybody else in the room, because I know that I was shy even before I got sick, but it's so much worse now, because I can not melt into the background in a chair that makes as much noise as a team of horses, or when I have to ask extra questions about what we're eating (so that it doesn't make me sick) or when I have to excuse myself from the room because your perfume is making me nauseous: None of those things enable me to be discreet and low-key! And now people are looking at me, and Holy Crap that girl is totally going to talk to me, why isn't there a corner I can hide in!
I sometimes think that getting sick (or having a disability) and being shy are just not compatible, because there's so much extra work you have to do if you have a disability. So much more attention that you don't have a choice about receiving.
But, it's also one of the things that helps me overcome my shyness - finding the disability blogosphere is one of the most rewarding things I've ever done, and one of the places I feel most comfortable, and most willing to participate in group experiences (blog carnivals - who would have ever imagined?) And presenting my thesis on disability and children's literature in front of a group of my peers (gah!) led me to leading teacher's workshops about disability in classrooms and helped me to feel like I knew what I was talking about and that I had a valid perspective that deserved to be listened to.
But the shyness is still there, the anxiety is ever present anytime I leave the house or open up a blank page. (I think the only time I am not shy is with kids: Hello, Kindergarten teacher much?) I fill up silences with words, in the hopes that other people won't notice I'm so uncomfortable I want to run away. I do battle with the verbal bullies of my family at gatherings, baiting them and then stepping away, because I know they're full of hot air, and that if people are paying attention to them, then they are not paying attention to me. I seek out the rooms where the kids are playing, and designate myself as in charge. I find a corner and park myself in it, and then hope against hope that somebody will care enough to wander over, and that, when they do, I'll be able to participate without showing the bashfulness that might overtake me at anytime.
So it may be that my shyness hiding skills are so advanced that people don't notice them (I'm a shyness ninja!), but that's something I don't get a lot of compliments on, beating back that almost constant inclination to just sit and not say a word, because what if that makes somebody look at me, holy crap! and actually put myself - in words or in physical space - out there.
And it's damn hard, I'll tell you that.
*Al Pacino
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
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