Our siblings push buttons that cast us in roles we felt sure we had let go of long ago - the baby, the peacekeeper, the caretaker, the avoider.... It doesn't seem to matter how much time has elapsed or how far we've traveled. ~Jane Mersky Leder

So I was just reminded that my last post was a super-angry rant, and that's not particularly OK with me, long-term.  Yes, I'm still pretty angry; but I'm working on it.  It is hard.  (Well, duh.) It is spectacularly hard, sometimes, but I'm trying not to wallow as much, at the very least. 

I am also having a spectacularly difficult time summoning my Christmas Spirit this year, which, is not unexpected and completely normal, but also kind of sucks.  Because I love Christmas, but Christmas like this - Christmas-without-Grandmother, Christmas-where-everybody-is-still-hurting, Christmas-with-uncomfortable-truths-being-faced, Christmas-with-the-righteous-anger, Christmas-with-the-wounded - is not all it's cracked up to be.  I'm very thankful that there are children in our family who I have to fake Christmas cheer for, because sometimes, if I fake it long enough, it starts to feel almost real. 

Case in point, this weekend, two such littles (who aren't that little) helped us decorate our Christmas tree.  No Longer Youngest Nephew is 12 ("and a half", he would insist) now, and can reach the top of our pretty tall tree well enough to help string the lights.  Which is both amazingly helpful, and terrifyingly wrong.  [Stupid kids and their growing up.  Grumble.] Lil Girl was very critical of the placement of certain ornaments (which habit, I fear, is something she probably comes by naturally), and the tree turned out quite lovely, after all.

My favorite part of the day, though, was the 45 minute battle the two of them had over who got to sweep up the most tree needles.  Because if your sibling is doing something, then it must be worth fighting about, is basically Lil Girl's theory, at this point.  And her big brother can't resist arguing back, even over something so insubstantial (and chore-like!) as sweeping up big piles of needles and then vacuuming them up.  It was annoyingly normal, and just what I needed to keep the smile on my face.  (And, of course, in the end, Mum and I wound up doing most of the actual cleaning.)  But here is a picture of them, working their hardest to outdo the other in the Battle For The Most Pine Needles 2012:

Take your smiles where you can get them, people.  Definitely a lesson I've learned this (horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad) year.  And I'm working on that, too.

One of these days they'll make it past midnight

Well, after all that build up, Lil Girl conked out on me just past 11:00, which, to be fair is two hours past her normal bed time.  She was totally revved until about 10:45, when we put in our third Disney movie (one thing about kids movies, is that they're generally shorter than regular movies).  She was nearly buzzing "Look how good I'm doing: I'm going to stay up till 1:00, for sure!"  She picked the movie, laid back down on the couch while I skipped over all the previews and just as Belle launched into "As long as there's Christmas"... I look over and she's snoring. 

Oh well.  I tucked her in and headed back to my bed, where I read through the night and cursed the fact that I've got Christmas songs stuck in my head already, and it's only the fourth of November. 

(And if you watch till about the three minute mark, so will you: sorry!) 

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"Where are you Christmas... Do you Remember?"

Well I can't really leave that ridiculousness up, especially not at Christmas time. (Although I'm glad to that you all are outraged too.) So here, have a picture of Santa with some cute kids.



I took this picture immediately following one of our shortest lines to see Santa ever (about 10 minutes: it was like a miracle) and immediately preceding a trip to The Rainforest Cafe for lunch. Which we do almost ever year, because it's in the same mall as Santa and has all sorts of animitronics and what not 'to keep kids entertained' while we eat. If 'keeping kids entertained' means 'scaring them so badly that you have to take shifts out in the mall with a four year old so that everybody can eat their lunch' then Keep up the good work, Rainforest Cafe ! Simulated thunderstorms? Whose brainstorm was that? Giant gorillas that screech at you are so not lunchtime companions, thank you very much. We should have skipped lunch altogether, since Lil Girl was not feeling her best, but she was adamant that she was ok, and her brother and mother seemed to have it all worked out before they even got there. So we tried, and I got to spend a lot of time trying to look at fake fish and explaining that lightening wasn't actually going to come and get us inside the building.

Even with all of that (and having to pay highway robbery for the one sheet of pictures we bought, because they've outlawed just sitting on Santa's lap and using your own camera, unless you buy one of theirs), we had fun. I'm afraid it might be that boy's last visit to Santa - 10 seems awfully close to the Age of Not Believing even to this late bloomer - and so I tried to keep that in mind when I needed to keep my patience. We've been doing this since he was an infant, so it'll be tough when he tells me he's too big. I made sure to enjoy it this time - even the parts that made me wonder if it would be legal to just leave a kid in a candy store (It's a good place! She'd love it there!) just in case it was the last time it was all of us.

Just in case.

It will come as no surprise

to anybody that I am sick.

I was going to say "really, really sick", but I think I could knock it down to just one "really" at this point, because I am fever free(ish), and that is usually a turning point for me.

Just like last year, I went and got myself sick right after Christmas. Actually, this year, it's been a little bit different for a few reasons (like the fact that I am actually writing this while it is still December, rather than the middle of January), but basically, it went like this:

1. I realized I was getting sick as we were going through the frenzy of last week's Christmas preparations, and I started taking my back up antibiotics as soon as that happened.
   
2. Unfortunately, I still had a million and a half cookies to bake, and a sick Lil Girl to entertain, and Mum who was sick (and had left all her Xmas shopping til the last minute as usual), and therefore I had to do things like manage to get my own food and essentials like that, and so I couldn't really just rest and try to head things off as much as I might like to have.
3. On Christmas, I wore myself out even more. Mostly having fun, although there was some managing of things that I really should've just let go mixed in there too. But still, mostly having fun.
   
4. By dessert time on Christmas day, my throat was scratchy, my head was stuffy, and I knew I was getting a fever. I started coughing, but everybody was coughing, so no big deal, right?
5. Wrong. Big deal. By three in the morning, after everyone has finally given up on the Beatles Band Hero, and either gone home or gone to bed, I knew I was in serious trouble. I was having trouble breathing, my throat was so swollen; I could barely move because of the damn fever; and Imight be wrong, but I think someone must have transformed my room into a sauna as a surprise Christmas present for me.
   
6. Saturday and Sunday disappeared into a fevered fog. I have vague recollections of chills so violent I required four blankets (which all hurt: thanks FM!) & two heating pads, and the fact that there seemed to be an endless cycle of having to drink, having to get up to pee, and crying because it hurt so bad. I gave up on watching movies, and spent a lot of time staring into the window lights for no damn reason except that I couldn't think enough to realize that I knew how to shut them off.
   
7. Monday morning, the fever broke and has been mostly gone since then, which means I was able to rewatch (and actually understand this time) Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince (awesome), and the antibiotics finally start to kick in so that I was finally able to swallow something other than soup.
8. "Eating" nothing but soup for three days does not agree with my stomach. My stomach decided to make its disagreement well known.
   
9. Yesterday, I finally got in the shower, and Mum changed my disgusting sheets, and after that I felt vaguely human again. Brain power started slowly coming back, and I remembered things I am supposed to stay connected to like my sister's mother-in-law's surgery and my cousin's ultrasound results.
   
10. We finally get to today, where I feel halfway decent (for me), and have gone from sounding like a cigar-smoking Darth Vadar to just a cigar-smoking frog. The hacking cough is lighter and less croup-y, and my tonsils are back on their own sides of my throat.
    

While this is hopeful, and I'm glad the antibiotics are really working this time, I would really just like to not catch every damn thing. Next year, I'm making the cookie dough in August, and freezing it all. And I'm going to start shopping now, because I can not let myself get so run down. And it pisses me off that 15 years into this damn disease, I still haven't managed to set - and keep - the limits that I need to in order to help myself stay healthy. Which isn't to say that I wouldn't have caught it anyways - Lil Girl, Mum, (not) Youngest Nephew, & his dad are all/have all been sick either this week or last week, so it's not just me of the ruined immune system, but I know that there are ways to protect myself more, and I hate that I let my guard down in that area when things get stressed. Because these damn infections are starting to get more and more serious, and I am not going back to the hospital if I can help it at all.

So, now onto step 11: rest, rest, Guitar Hero, rest, eat real food, watch crappy TV, more rest. Join me, why don't you?

Merry Christmas

Hope you are all where you wish to be this Christmas. And with people who matter to you. Just thought you should know you matter to me.

Merry Christmas!

I took a couple of days off

from posting. I was in a mood/trying to get things accomplished in real life/fighting off a cold/sick of my own voice/frustrated with the entire world/take your pick. I am still most of those things, come to think of it.
I had to reschedule my appointment with Zack that was supposed to be on Wednesday (now it's February 1st... sigh) because of snow and a car that won't work, and feeling generally like crap (but not crappy enough to necesitate seeing him immediately), and I am disappointed about rescheduling it because I really wanted to talk to him. I am getting some Christmas shopping done online, but not enough. I am getting some decorating done, but, again, not enough.

And I know I am the only one putting all this pressure on myself, and that makes me even more frustrated.

I like to give myself all this credit for all of the adaptations I make in order to live with my illnesses, and I talk a good game about how you have to listen to your body and know your limits, but sometimes I can't help but be my own worst enemy. Christmas time - with it's clump of surrounding birthdays and all the 'essentials' of the season - seems to erase all of my logical decision making skills.

Should I work for 10 hours straight on scrapbook pages, because it is too much work to clean off my bed and then take it all out again? Of course I should! Should I volunteer to make something else for somebody, even though I haven't finished the 12 other projects I've got going? Of course I should! Is it ok if the kids sleep over from now until Christmas? Of course it is! Should I add another pie, and two more types of cookies to the list of things I want to bake next week? Definitely! Should I go to the mall, with all the germy people? Should I forget to eat and take my pills because I am too busy? Should I drop everything because someone else needs me to do something else I hadn't planned on doing? Absolutely, without a doubt!


Sorry for the grouchiness... I'm definitely not a Grinch, as Christmas makes me feel warm and fuzzy. It's more that I need to realize I can't do all of the things I want to do, and I need to cut myself some slack on letting things go.
Should I just wrap myself up in the fuzzy blanket, have a cup of hot chocolate, and try to take a nap? Now that's a pressure I can cave under.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

:D

Hey Santa... let's rock!

Merry Christmas, all!

Welcome Christmas

fah who rah moose.

The Whos are in Who-ville, and I am in bed watching them. Cookies are baked and presents are ... mockingly unwrapped but there's always tomorrow. Our Christmas Eve looks to be a low key day, so I hope yours is as peaceful as you'd like it to be too.

Made cookies today

and rejoiced that this is our last Christmas with the ridiculous oven. Time for cookies is supposed to be between 8-12 minutes, right? The first ones took 22, and the last ones took 14. The banana bread was in the oven for... about 2 and a half hours. Seriously.

Lots of things I'm going to miss (and am decidedly NOT thinking about today), but this stove, sure ain't going to be one of them.

My Tivo and I will be happy, regardless

It has not stopped snowing here since 1:00 on Friday afternoon, which, by my count makes it 56 hours. It is beautiful to watch, but that is because I am not the one who has to shovel it. My job, as relates to the snow, is to put out clean towels (and warm ones, if possible) for the people coming in. If I am up to it, I also put on the hot water (although nobody has used it yet: it would be the one time I didn't put it on that they'd come in wanting tea or hot chocolate or some such). The little tree in our front yard is covered tip to root, and has no underneath at all: only snow. We've got well over a foot, I should imagine. A lot of schools are closed from now until the 5th of January... no sense heating up the school for a possible half day on Tuesday. Come the end of June, there'll be some grumpy kids (and grumpier teachers), but that's a worry for another day.

For today, there is a Tivo who automatically records everything with the words "holiday, Christmas, or special", and that leaves me with a surfeit of wonderful Christmas movies and specials to watch. Not to mention the ones we already have: tomorrow is to be Love, Actually, the Muppets, and all the old Christmas cartoons that we taped off the television for the past 20 years (complete with vintage commercials! There's M&M commericals, people!) and present wrapping. That's an almost perfect day in my book, peaceful and calm, little energy required, plenty of resting as needed.

I hope wherever you are - snowed in or not - you're enjoying your Sunday, taking what peace you can find. And if today begins the holidays for you and your family, my very best Hanukkah wishes.

(Oh, and in case you don't have videos or Tivo to keep you company, check out the entire week's posts over at the Collective: they've got a lot of fabulous YouTube clips up, which basically include my entire playlist for tomorrow.)

Is there some sort of reason that people consider Groundhog Day to be a Christmas movie? I found 2 clips (so far) on YouTube that include Groundhog Day in their Christmas montages... I don't get it. I think it's pretty clear that that is, in actuallity, a GROUNDHOG DAY movie. In fact, it is the only Groundhog Day movie I can think of. So let's not gyp Groundhog Day, here people: let it have its one movie - Christmas has plenty of its own to chose from.

Took the kiddos to see Santa today

and nobody cried.

And a bunch of us "grown ups" managed to decorate the tree tonight.

And still, nobody cried.

Even if it hurts,

That is a good day.

Last week there was a major ice storm

and my family and I were largely unaffected (SisterS up in NH lost her power for 2 days, but the only real loss there was their fish: IDK why she didn't just put them in a bowl of clean water or something... it's beyond me). Others are still without power, nearly a week later.

And tonight the weatherman tells us that it is going to snow three more times in their little five day forecast:

Starting, oh about now, and lasting till noon tomorrow,with most of it being washed away but tomorrow night.
Again on Friday, with a much higher chance of a couple of inches sticking and staying stuck for a while.
And then again on Sunday, which he happened to call a "likely nor'easter."

This is not reassuring to those of my neighbors who are still waiting for the National Guard to get the tree limbs out of their street. I love to watch the snow fall - it's peaceful, and since I don't get to leave the house much, it gives me the feeling that other people are also comfortably ensconced beneath blankets, watching it drift down while they drink hot cocoa. Of course I know this is a false belief, as most people still have to leave their homes, regardless of snow, and are therefore toiling beneath heavy coats and hats, shoveling and scraping to get their cars out, but I still like to think it.

Plus side: chance of a white Christmas climbed to 85%.

You never know.

Our house

(or rather, the new preschool's next location)

smells so freaking good right now.

I love Christmas trees.

(at least as much as I can till it gets overwhelming and I have to shut the door, but that for the first day or so, when it's REALLY strong.)

First present

First present: wrapped, bubble wrapped, boxed and addressed (the actual mailing is not my job, really). Only about a zillion to go.

Moving right along...

I hope your Christmases were all wonderful: I am trying to take it easy in an attempt to recover from the flare (Is it one long flare now? or a million little ones? I honestly don't know - or care - at this point. I'm sooooooo over the flares, my friends.), but between Christmas, our medical chaos, the birthday Clump and other assorted nonsense, I'm not exactly getting much recuperating done.

To be honest, I am sick of thinking about everything. About me, about my grandmother, my aunt, my brother, his kids, my mum, any and all of my sisters.... just the whole dang thing. I would like a long, extended vacation from all drama, but that does not look to be on the menu. And so, we deal.

And I have to say that coming here, reading all of you, well, it helps me to remember that I'm not the only one dealing... that we're all just taking our own tiny steps, getting through each day. And it's good to feel not so alone.

Looking forward at 2008: I'm not usually big on resolutions. I have trouble holding myself accountable for arbitrary things, and generally, if a change is necessary, I tend to try to deal with it then, not wait for the new year to roll around. (I don't always manage to do that, but I try.) So I don't usually do a list of resolutions, and I don't think I'll do one this year either, but I want to do something. I need... something. I want to say control, but that's not exactly it. I need... some, power, maybe? In my own life.

IDK, exactly what I am trying to say. I feel so... swept away. Like I have so little say in what is happening in my life - from my illness, to where I live, to how I spend my day. To the illnesses of the people I love, to how other people's actions and behaviors influence me, to ... just, so many things, large and small. Time is passing, days and months and years, and I feel: stuck.

Not always, not every day and in everyway, but tonight, and lately... it feels overwhelming.

And so.

And so, I'm thinking of adopting the very wise idea I first read about at But You Don't Look Sick. Spoon Theory author and website founder, Christine Miserandino talks about picking just one word: a theme for the new year. It's an achievable and encompassing goal, to my way of thinking. It allows for both specifics and generalizations... a word that has meaning to me and can be easily remembered when I am faced with something that I feel like I need to change.

Of course, now I need to pick a word: a keyword that will help to guide me through what will most likely be a trying (and downright difficult year). I've got a few words rattling around in my head tonight, I'm going to let them simmer a bit more, and then settle on one.

Meanwhile, I'm interested to see if you all are resolution-ers, or if the start of the new year is just another day of you.

Hey everybody!

I'm totally out of it, or at least I'm predicting that I'll be totally out of it, based on previous experience, so I'm writing this now to post later.

I've signed up to "Whore My Loot!" , but if I'm posting this as an alternative, it's just cuz I'm not feeling up to taking pictures (or typing... or probably doing anything except staring into space and remembering to press the "post" button). I'll get around to my own, received loot later, but how'd you like to see what I gave out this year instead?

I'm kinda proud of a lot of my gifts this year: having used my good sense & not spent big time $$$; having gotten very specific and individualized presents, and having discovered the joys of Esty, I really felt like this year I did particularly well.

So here's some of what I'm planning to give tomorrow (or... rather, have given and been exclaimed over!)

I spent the year picking up bargains on DVDs for Older/Only Brother, of movies that we'd enjoyed growing up. Here's a few:




For SisterJ, I got a print of an angel statue, sleeping:



And a print called "If Humpty Dumpty was a girl" from Esty artist, the Dreamy Giraffe, whose artwork I lurve...

So much so that I also ordered:
For Youngest/Only Niece:


For Her mama, STB Sister-in-law:


(Ahem... I may have also kept one for myself... ya never know.)
I wanted to keep SisterK's present for myself, but I bravely wrapped it up instead:

Isn't it gorgeous? It's also from Esty, from Little Dear, totally droolworthy prints, I promise.


Lil Girl/Only Niece also got the latest adventure of her favorite animal:



College Roommate/Best Friend got a framed photo of her daughter & Lil Girl, having a blast over the summer:


And SisterCh got yet another Esty find, a Monopoly necklace. Monopoly is her favorite game... it's kind of an obsession. So, hopefully she'll love this too:


There's more, but it's Christmas Eve and I'm still wrapping, so I'll type more later. Since I'm meant to post this on the 27th, I hope you all have had a fabulous, peaceful holiday.

I should be checking in soon.

Love!

Dear Shoppers -

You may not be aware of this, but that roll of wrapping paper? Is right at neck level for individuals in wheelchairs. Who may also be trying to shop. And who would rather not be poked in the back of the neck with your purchases.

It would really help me out a lot if you took the time to notice that, um... hey, you have a big, long tube sticking out of your cart.

Like a lance.

That is aimed at my face.

And I would prefer it not to make contact with that face.

Again.


I realize it is just wrapping paper, but you are not leisurely strolling through the store, setting a snail's pace so that the roll barely grazes me. No, you are intent. You are on a mission to possess something that the store is probably already out of anyways, and you must get to where it is hiding, RIGHT NOW. And so, the force with which your festive cardboard bayonet pierces me is surprisingly strong.

And yes, I am taking into consideration that I have a very low pain tolerance level, but I also submit that anyone would be, at the very least, uncomfortable with all these dangerous weapons encroaching on them.


Also? Should your wrapping paper lance make contact with my body, the appropriate thing to do is not to glare at me as if I have somehow floated in, invisibly, in order to spear myself on your roll of wrapping paper. Surprised? Indeed, the correct response might be to ask if I am all right, or to apologize for ramming an object from your cart into my head. Just a suggestion.

MBSM: A Christmas Past.

Wandering around and seeing all the My Best Shot Mondays is a real treat for me, and pulled me (at least partially) out of my funk today. So I'll share a MBSM with all of you, of a happier Christmas..

Here's me, Older/Only Brother, & Oldest Sister/SisterS, Christmas 1984:



We're laughing at something crazy SisterJ (then almost 2) was doing, but I can't remember what it was. This was the year of the fake Cabbage Patch Kids - the kind with little bumps on the sides of their noses that looked like warts. The kind that you bought in pieces - heads, arms, legs, and trunk, and then assembled yourself. Trust me when I say that finding your grandmother's stash of doll heads by accident one year is plenty freaky, no matter how old you are.

Hey, this is pretty fun: I think, due to the cheering up aspect of this whole thing, I will try to do another one tomorrow ---> there's certainly plenty to choose from. Maybe I can find the one where my Dad is ready to punch out Santa, or Santa on crack, or find a year with authentic Cabbage Patch Kids... I know they're all here.