A tiny update on some not so tiny kiddos

It's been a while since you've since some of my littles, and you would not believe how they've grown.  I wish I had a group photo I could post of the whole lot of them - they're multiplying and growing more quickly than seems normal to me.

Honestly: No Longer Youngest Nephew/Neph2's voice is changing... Cracking in mid sentence so that he looks as confused as the rest of us...it's scary.  He's turning 13 in less than a month (which he informs me of on a fairly regular basis), and is all about hockey and baseball right now.  Which is better than being all about girls, so I'll take it, even if I couldn't care less about either of those two things.

Oldest Nephew should be trying for his license soon and posted a picture on Instagram of the girl he asked to the Junior Prom. (Remember that bit I said yesterday about someone whose diapers I changed having babies of their own and the unreality of that all?  Well I was a junior in high school when Oldest Nephew was born, so that's officially just wrong.  ALL KINDS OF WRONG.)  I was super sick and missed out on my Junior prom, while SisterS was pregnant with Oldest Nephew, and she called me a couple of days later to commiserate.  So yeah: Officially weird and NOT RIGHT.

Lil Girl has always thought (and acted) like she was a teenager anyways, but now she's going to be seven next month, and seven is... no longer little, at least not in my mind.  You can't pretend a 7-year-old is a little kid - they're right on the cusp of knowing stuff that little kids don't know, right on the edge of figuring out ways the world works that you wish you could protect them from.  She's wise and not always kind (which we're working on) and sassy as all hell, but also sometimes the sweetest thing on two feet.

 And Baby B is a big boy now, preparing for preschool and such, which is also... not right?  He's the only baby that's been born into our family that I feel like I didn't get a chance to bond with before school started, and that's too bad... hopefully, as he gets older, his mother will bring him down more often.

And SisterCh's Boys - who don't even have proper blog names, I don't think, but have been seen here before: I should Blog Christen them, right, before too long?  It's already been so long,  I don't even know how that happened.  So NephewJ and NephewT (because the numbers just don't work anymore, but I can't go back and undo them) are growing by leaps and bounds as well... one is all over Facebook and skating and guitar playing, the other is into the Marvel Universe and may have been converted to the Dark Side (of always wanting to play games) when Mom and I introduced him to War over Christmas break ;).

And, come the fall, we'll have another Baby (Sex as yet unknown) to add to the our ever-growing clan.  It's really exciting to be one of the lucky auntie's to this rag-tag bunch... my brother and sisters have the coolest little people, and I'm looking forward to all the new additions as they come. 

Also: Note to self: when the kiddos are down for Spring Break, take group photo, cuz the last one was nearly 3 years ago, and that's just pathetic, y'all.

Also, also: interesting postscript - I don't think I quite realized how much the gender tables have turned in this generation of our family: in my dad's generation it was 7 boys, 2 girls; in my siblings & my generation, girls outnumbered the boys by 2:1 ratio (generally, each of my uncles and my dad had a boy and then at least two girls... any other kids that followed were also girls); but this generation in our family seems to be a complete turn around.  Interesting (probably to nobody but me and the few cousins I can chat about genealogy with), but we'll have to see how the pattern evolves as my younger sisters start their families.  (And if I ever get around to it.) 

You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't.*

The big news around here is that SisterCh is expecting her first baby in the fall - this is very exciting, not just for Woo Hoo, Baby! reasons, but also because she's been trying for a while, and I know she was super worried about whether it would ever happen at all. While I could not be happier for her, I will admit to also having some very complicated feelings around the whole situation.

First off, I'm super excited, as I said. She's a great step-mom to her husband's two boys, and I know she's going to be a great mama to a new baby, even if I really can't comprehend the idea of someone whose diapers I changed physically being pregnant. (This is probably something I will never comprehend.) I'm happy for her, because she was so worried about not getting pregnant, and fearful that maybe that would be a permanent problem. (Even though she has just turned 27, and we all tried to tell her she had plenty of time, that is not helpful if you are in the middle of the worry. It just isn't.)

But besides being excited and pleased, and more than a little eager to see how she copes with a newborn who is not a cat, I am also full of lesser and more shameful emotions for myself. I'm jealous, as I am now when anyone - or as it seems lately, everyone - in my sphere announces they're expecting. That's not something I'm proud of, but I'm also not particularly ashamed of it, since A)it's not the feeling that comes first or strongest and B) why the hell shouldn't I envy people who are experiencing things I want to experience? Should I be pleased that I'm seeing the PT instead of the OB? Because I'm not. To pretend otherwise seems ridiculous.

Which doesn't mean I shout and vent about my jealousy anytime someone with a baby bump approaches me - I have one or two select people who I can rant to about the seeming inequality of someone having triplets, but for the most part, it's happy face ahoy! It's weird, that you can be so excited for someone else, and so disappointed for yourself at exactly the same moment, but it's true.

But there are other issues surrounding SisterCh's pregnancy that keep all the feels creeping up on me. She was recently laid off, and didn't tell me about it. In fact, she continued to act like she would be going to work without straight up coming out and lying to my face about it. When I found out from someone else, I was confused. Then another sister said something about "Well she was embarrassed. And this house isn't exactly good at being positive about things." Which was like: OK. Well. I'll be over here in the corner, positively digging the pieces of this little dagger out of my heart.

 It doesn't seem like a lot, that sentence there, but the whole hiding it and then finding out that the reason she didn't tell us (she kept it from my parents as well, and I don't know if I was the main offender in the "less positive" rationale or a non-able-to-keep-secrets-bystander) was because we're negative about shit - it was an unexpected slap, I guess.

Because I try so hard to be positive that sometimes I feel like I should buy little pom poms and carry them around with me. I feel like I am the cheerleader for every freaking body in this family, all the fucking time! (And wow: this post sounds super cheerleader-y, NTE! Great evidence, all this ranting and raving about happy news.Well, no; but I'm not talking to them, I'm talking to you.) It was like a literal blow to me, sitting there at the table over Easter dinner, because I'm the one who says "You can do this" when nobody else shows up. I'm the one who sends cards that say "This day sucks, and yesterday sucked, but tomorrow might not, so let's find out together." I'm the one who knows you ain't going back to school this time either, but I'll spend three days tracking down the financial aid forms I helped you fill out last time - without rolling my eyes, even, because you need someone to be on your side.  I'm the one who tries so hard to find peaceful solutions in the midst of what seems like a perpetual family tornado, and it was like... wow, so, I guess a) nobody else thinks that I do that and b) why the hell have I been trying so hard for so long, then?


I'm not saying that I'm never negative - Hell, all you have to do is read two posts here to see that isn't true - but, for the most part, I'm negative about Me. I can literally think of only two things in my family that I am consistently negative about that other people are not - my dad (which I feel like I have to be, because I'm the only person who doesn't immediately forgive him for things that are not immediately forgivable, and because I feel like I have 33 years of evidence for believing the worst, plus I am the only one still living here - it is easy to say "let it go" when you don't have to live with it everyday) and my health (which, ditto: I'm the one living with it and all your cheery assessments and 'vinegar cures' in the world are only going to make me want to punch you).

But my family?  Is super negative about a lot of things, just in general - we're a sarcastic lot, by and large; we all make digs about things that happened 17 years ago (I just happen to have the best memory); we all shuffle and sigh when someone tells us they're going to change something we know they have no intention of changing; we'd all rather take a nap than take a walk - but that's just us.
I don't feel like I am a spectacularly negative person, and I feel like I make an extraordinary effort (on an almost daily basis) not to be negative - some people are naturally cheery and optimistic: I am not, and yet I try to be.

So I'm not Little Miss Sunshine, surely, but I do feel like someone you can depend on when things are falling apart, and to find out that at least two of my sisters don't exactly agree with me about that, it really hurt. I still just... can't.


Ok, there's more to this, but it was all sounding very martyr-y, and I am no martyr.  I just ... well it stung, and it was surprising, and it made me feel super unappreciated.  Which sucks.  But I think I'm maybe taking an off-hand comment really personally, and I'm going to try to let it go.  I like being the family cheerleader... I like it when other people are the cheerleaders too, so it doesn't feel like it's something that sits solely on my shoulders.  I realize that that is a responsibility I've given myself, and that I'm really upset by the idea that people can't come to me when they're in trouble because I know that sometimes they just can't.  It is a fundamental flaw in living a life with chronic illnesses - sometimes you are forced out of the loop, into unplug, back into your cocoon.  So I should be glad that they have each other to rely on, and I am.  I guess it's just another - less expected - place of jealousy.

So there you have it: a couple of late-night, green-eyed confessions that make me feel both ridiculous and full of myself - I'm jealous of all the baby-having that does include me (even while I'm totally on board with the additional Auntie-ing that comes along with it), and I'm mad that people don't think I'm supportive enough that they can tell me things and depend on me when the chips are down.  It sort of seems like those two things might be two sides of the same coin?  Maybe I'm not as good at being a cheerleader as I'd like to be.  I know I'm not, since I'm hardly ever rooting for myself, which is a big problem.

Now that I've babbled it all out here, looks like a) my cheerleading skills are not as shiny as I hoped they were; b) everything else is about me feeling left out/left behind.  And that's a sucky feeling.  Gotta work on moving somewhere, anywhere, just so long as I'm not stalled here anymore. 


For tonight, though, I'm off to bed.  Night all. 

*The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Nymphs are not what you think they are

Did you know a baby llama is called a cria?  Yeah, me either.  There were some other surprises too: just finished reading Chuckling Ducklings and Baby Animal Friends   to LilGirl for her bedtime story, and I was not aware of a lot of those names... Elvers (baby eels), leveret (baby hare), eyas (hawk).  A lot of new information for two very tired brains.  I have a feeling we'll be reading it again tomorrow, just for some clarity.  But the pictures are adorable, and it's pretty cute, overall.  She really loved it, and her big brother was paying attention when we were naming some he didn't know either, so that's a bonus.  It's great when facts are presented in a fun way, you know, so you can trick kids into learning. 

By the way, the title refers to one that wasn't in the book: did you know that a nymph is another name for a baby cockroach or grasshopper?  I'm going to go with grasshoppers, just because roaches should not have such evocatively beautiful names. 

A book recomendation

I just finished reading Raising Children Who Think for Themselves by Elisa Medhus, M.D., and it was incredibly thought provoking. I didn't always agree with her approaches or suggestions, but the main theme of the book - that children should be learning (through discipline, their environment, our role modeling and other means) to evaluate and assess their own behaviors, internally, based on their own expectations of themselves (that we've been teaching them) rather than external (either parental or societal) expectations of them.

In other words, kids who think for themselves. She raised a lot of interesting points, and provided a lot of practical examples of how to "guide, then step aside." I was really impressed with her knowledge of kids motivations for certain behaviors - and how to best guide them into turning their attentions in more positive directions.

I was, of course, horrified to see myself (or family members) in some of the more negative portrayals, because I know that the reasons we've done certain things have always been with the best of intentions, but the (often negative) outcomes are so easy to see when they're on paper like that. I recognized myself most when she talked about how often we step in to spare our kids (or, in my case, the nephews and niece in my life) from suffering & therefore eliminate their chances of learning from mistakes or problem solving their way out of them. I've noticed lately that I've become a 'warner' (my term, not the author's): I'm constantly saying "Maybe it's better if you tried it this way," or "do you really think it's a great idea to balance all of those dolls in one trip, why not make two?" Why not just shut your whore mouth (sorry: If you're not a Prankster, that probably seemed like it came out of nowhere, but I've been reading Aunt Becky a lot lately, and couldn't help myself) and just let the kid figure it out on their own? What's the worst that could happen? She drops the dolls and has to make clean up the mess? The horror! So I definitely recognized that I have a real need to step aside and just let them learn on their own - The worst part of this whole thing being, obviously, that I am a teacher, and know this already, so how did I get to this point of having to open my mouth all the time, but if I'm going to teach them to be willing to recognize when they've made mistakes, I have to step up and recognize my own as well. That's a problem area for Auntie NTE, and will be addressed posthaste.

So much of the strategies that Medhus proposes in her book are not new to me, but the practical parenting examples she incorporates into the text really made me think about how I am applying my training (and where I am failing to apply it), and how often, in the heat of any given situation, discipline doesn't stay true to it's logical guidance roots and instead turns into a form of punishment or control. It's easy to forget, when a four year old is throwing a tantrum in the store, that their problems are their problems, and I don't need to make them mine.

I will give myself a lot of credit for being the "this is unacceptable behavior" line draw-er in our house, but it's kind of hard to hold the line when there isn't a lot of follow through on the part of other people. After all, I am not these kids parents: They have awesome parents who love and care for them. But when the rules are so much different at Grammy's house then they are at home, it's hard to keep the behaviors that I consider unacceptable (whining and nagging, bickering and meanness) from bleeding over: Kids are going to get away with what they can get away with, and trust me, the kids in my life are no exception. So we have a little issue with consistency, and I know that doesn't help them to internalize things, but I'm really going to work on it for my part (and see if I can't convince my brother that he'd like to read this book as well).

Aside from "guide, then step aside", some of the other concepts that the author did a great job of explaining include the need for using guiding questions to help kids arrive at the right answers; the benefit of empathy in creating kids who aren't just focused on their own needs, but on the lives of those around them; the idea of respecting failure as a key step towards growth and that personal excellence is greater than perfection; the need for all consequences to arise as naturally as possible from a given behavior (and to be logical); and the vital role that adults play in modeling appropriate behavior.

It was all reasonable, common sense stuff, and it was presented in such a way as to not be overwhelming or tell you what a horrible job you were doing raising your kids: in fact, it was an optimistic and enthusiastic book whose title really reflected its overall goal - you can make changes in your behavior to help your kids make lasting changes in theirs. You can have kids who aren't motivated by whether or not they're going to be punished for doing something wrong, but rather on if something feels wrong to them and how important it is for them to follow that instinct. There are so many strategies for helping children gain confidence in their own decision making skills, in their ability to recover from mistakes, in their intuitions, and in their ability to do what's right when they recognize it.

I thought it was a worthwhile read, for parents and teachers (and aunties ;) ) because it helps you clarify what your intentions are as you raise your kids, or as you contribute to the raising of children: I know I want the kids in my life to be able to make their own choices and find their own ways in life, to be able to recognize happiness in whatever form it takes for them, and to have the courage to reach for it (regardless of if society says it is something they should strive for or not). I want them to be able to think for, and act, and believe in themselves, and I'm glad that I've got some more strategies to try in order to help them achieve that.