“In my closest circle of friends — you know the ones, the ones who are the family you choose instead of the one you are assigned — when someone is having a difficult time, we will remind each other that there are as many paths as there are people, and that while none of us can walk another’s path for them, we can all raise our lanterns a little higher, and let some light spill over to make the going less difficult and scary and lonely. ”Commenter, Teaspoon, via Kate Harding's Blog

Hey guys!  I know it's been forever (only five months, but who's counting?), but can we just agree to put aside the awkward part where I say how sorry I am, and you all read it and forgive me anyways?  Agreed? Good.

I can't make any promises about writing going forward, as things here are even less settled than they were the last time we spoke, but I miss this.  I miss you, and our weird conversations, and having a place that nobody I know in real life ever comes.  I miss the words - so much - and I think, just maybe, that my brain may be turning that light bulb back on a bit, which is a relief, let me tell you. (I don't think you ever get over the fear that the words just... won't come back this time.  At least, I don't think it's a fear I'll ever get over.) 

So anyways ~ how's about a quick update?  Next week, my brother, my mother, his kids, his sister-in-law and I are off for a quick jaunt to the Happiest Place on Earth, and it feels so incongruous to where everybody's actual feelings are that it may just be the most ironic trip ever.  -- Excepting the nine-year-old, who has a countdown on, and can't hold any non-Disney related conversations, and it's adorable and annoying in (nearly) equal measures.  -- We're nearing the anniversary of their mother's death, and it's definitely being felt: there's so many other anniversaries on the way to that one - her brain surgery date, her last hospital admittance, the day I came to stay 'for a bit' - and each one is a little dig in someone's heart, a little pinch they can't seem to ignore. 

My brother's grief continues to be overwhelming.  He's made some positive steps since last year, but as the anniversary approaches, I can feel a lot of them sliding away.  His mood vaciliates between pissed off, checked out, and maudlin, and the kids and I seem to often be at the mercy of them - it's hard to help a kid through their tough day, when their dad is upstairs slamming doors and ignoring people.  I'm cutting him as much slack as I can, because I DO get that some days are harder than others, but... tantrums in front of your children are a line I am dragging him back across, some days to both of our peril.  The thing is, I can see how hard he tries - on the days he's trying - and I guess I know him better than anyone else does, because I can SEE how much he's hurting, all the time, and I can feel what an accomplishment it is that he even gets out of bed most days.  And I wish he had the space for his grief and the time for his grieving... that's what I'm attempting to do here, anyways, is make it a little bit easier on everybody else, but... when you have kids? You just don't have the luxury of grieving the way you want to.

He can't afford to bury himself in a hole, or hide himself in his room.  And neither can these two kids. 

Both of whom are doing exceptionally well - with various issues here and there: The little one knows a lot more about anxiety now then I wish she'd ever have to know, and the older one walks around some days as if it's his responsibility to... do everything.  Which, at 15, I do not want him to feel, but I'm unsure how to prevent it.  Everybody's got stuff they're working on/out, and November 10th is fast approaching. 

So why the Disney, you might be wondering?  Well, a cousin is getting married in Florida, which normally, would just require us to send a card.  But between my brother's regrets that he and Nancy didn't just spring for the Disney vacation they might have taken a few years ago, and the 9-yr-old's puppy dog eyes, my brother decided that they had to go.  So: from Tues - Saturday, we'll be hitting up the parks, and attempting to draw out as much of the happy when can for some kids who could desperately use it.  (Although the 15 yr-old is not onboard our happy train - AT ALL - he's upset about missing school, and thinks he's too old for Disney (ha!) and all sorts of other cliches about sullen teenagers that get dragged off on their family's vacations.  I may as well be living in an 80's movie, honestly. )

This is going to be very difficult, spoon-wise, and health-wise for me, but they need me, so off we go.  Wish us luck.

In other sad news, SisterS's mom passed away - suddenly, of a heart attack - last week.  She's understandably shaken, as is my Oldest Nephew, and my heart breaks that I can't be more there for THEM right now.  Not that there's anything you can say when your mom dies (as I have learned quite extensively over the past year), but not even being able to just sit at her table and let her cry or rant or whatever she wants to do is making me feel extremely guilty.  I am doing what I can by text message, and I have to hope that it will be enough.  That I can help, in any small way.

Two of my other sisters have relocated over the summer - SisterCh to her mother-in-law's basement, which is not optimal, as you may have guessed, and SisterK to a far superior apartment out in Berkley, California, while her beau does some graduate work & she works for a literacy non-profit. 

And our best news of all is that SisterJ and her husband are expecting a new little bundle of joy to add to our hoard!  (Let's be honest: we all know if I was a dragon my horde would consist exclusively of books and babies.  Like: for real.)  The baby will hopefully making his arrival in February, which means a baby shower is in the works for the next little while as well. 

So, I'm apparently full up and bursting with news guys - a real mix of who knows what. 

But the light bulb - while still slightly dimmer than one of those energy efficient ones - has clicked back on.  So hopefully, we'll all be around when it hits full strength. 


 Thanks for hanging in, you guys. 

A tiny update on some not so tiny kiddos

It's been a while since you've since some of my littles, and you would not believe how they've grown.  I wish I had a group photo I could post of the whole lot of them - they're multiplying and growing more quickly than seems normal to me.

Honestly: No Longer Youngest Nephew/Neph2's voice is changing... Cracking in mid sentence so that he looks as confused as the rest of us...it's scary.  He's turning 13 in less than a month (which he informs me of on a fairly regular basis), and is all about hockey and baseball right now.  Which is better than being all about girls, so I'll take it, even if I couldn't care less about either of those two things.

Oldest Nephew should be trying for his license soon and posted a picture on Instagram of the girl he asked to the Junior Prom. (Remember that bit I said yesterday about someone whose diapers I changed having babies of their own and the unreality of that all?  Well I was a junior in high school when Oldest Nephew was born, so that's officially just wrong.  ALL KINDS OF WRONG.)  I was super sick and missed out on my Junior prom, while SisterS was pregnant with Oldest Nephew, and she called me a couple of days later to commiserate.  So yeah: Officially weird and NOT RIGHT.

Lil Girl has always thought (and acted) like she was a teenager anyways, but now she's going to be seven next month, and seven is... no longer little, at least not in my mind.  You can't pretend a 7-year-old is a little kid - they're right on the cusp of knowing stuff that little kids don't know, right on the edge of figuring out ways the world works that you wish you could protect them from.  She's wise and not always kind (which we're working on) and sassy as all hell, but also sometimes the sweetest thing on two feet.

 And Baby B is a big boy now, preparing for preschool and such, which is also... not right?  He's the only baby that's been born into our family that I feel like I didn't get a chance to bond with before school started, and that's too bad... hopefully, as he gets older, his mother will bring him down more often.

And SisterCh's Boys - who don't even have proper blog names, I don't think, but have been seen here before: I should Blog Christen them, right, before too long?  It's already been so long,  I don't even know how that happened.  So NephewJ and NephewT (because the numbers just don't work anymore, but I can't go back and undo them) are growing by leaps and bounds as well... one is all over Facebook and skating and guitar playing, the other is into the Marvel Universe and may have been converted to the Dark Side (of always wanting to play games) when Mom and I introduced him to War over Christmas break ;).

And, come the fall, we'll have another Baby (Sex as yet unknown) to add to the our ever-growing clan.  It's really exciting to be one of the lucky auntie's to this rag-tag bunch... my brother and sisters have the coolest little people, and I'm looking forward to all the new additions as they come. 

Also: Note to self: when the kiddos are down for Spring Break, take group photo, cuz the last one was nearly 3 years ago, and that's just pathetic, y'all.

Also, also: interesting postscript - I don't think I quite realized how much the gender tables have turned in this generation of our family: in my dad's generation it was 7 boys, 2 girls; in my siblings & my generation, girls outnumbered the boys by 2:1 ratio (generally, each of my uncles and my dad had a boy and then at least two girls... any other kids that followed were also girls); but this generation in our family seems to be a complete turn around.  Interesting (probably to nobody but me and the few cousins I can chat about genealogy with), but we'll have to see how the pattern evolves as my younger sisters start their families.  (And if I ever get around to it.) 

Wish me some energy, please: I'll need it!

I want to thank everybody for their condolences and well wishes: I really appreciate it. And now, like I said, I'm going to try to get back to normal a little bit, and post about something totally different.

I'm working on a pretty full week of visits, starting this weekend and going right through next weekend, as SisterS is bringing her boys down, and staying for a while; and then my cousin from Maine and her family are coming in for a day; and College Roommate/Best Friend and her kiddos are finally going to make it over here again (I say finally because I have literally been moving her kids Christmas presents from one box to another for eight months). I don't like to have everything crammed in all together like that, but I wasn't the boss of other people's vacation plans (shocking!), so what can you do? Plus, it's been a while since I've seen any of them, so I don't want to beg off unless I really have to, healthwise.

(Also? Having some positive interactions at this particular moment in time is going to be hard to pass up.)

So the plan for College Roommate/Best Friend and my cousin from Maine and their families is just "hang out... eat food, maybe? Let children roam and stuff while grown ups have actual grown up conversations?" Very low key. Low pressure, with a dose of "here are your Christmas/Birthday presents: I hope you have not outgrown them, because I wrapped them so long ago, I no longer remember what they are" thrown in.

SisterS, however will be sleeping over for four or five days, with an infant and a teenager: both Creepers, just in different ways. (And also not quite as low pressure for me.) BabyB is trying his hardest to crawl, and Oldest Nephew is just one of those kids (when do you have to stop calling them kids? 14 isn't it, but I know it's getting there) who is always just... There when you turn around. Not in a spooky way, really, just more of a 'Holy Shit where did you come from?' type of way.

And when Oldest Nephew sleeps over, that means (No Longer) Youngest Nephew will want to sleepover. And when her big brother gets to sleepover, Lil Girl will definitely want to sleepover as well. But, as much as I might like to, I can't handle four kids - of four really different age and maturity levels (14,10,4,and 9 months)- for five nights and still expect to be a functioning member of reality at any point during their visit. And I want to have some fun too, so I'm putting my foot down at a one - two night Lil Girl and her big brother sleepover visit, which still gives them a chance to all hang out together (hanging out with my visiting cousins was always the highlight of my summer, and I'd love it if they had the same opportunities!) without it being too much for me to handle.

On Sunday, we're taking the whole lot - plus everybody else except SisterK who is on vacation in Montana with her boyfriend and won't be back in time - to a local old-time amusement park. There's no adult rides, although I think there used to be a Ferris wheel, and only three or four kiddy rides: The place is mostly centered around it's video games, it's arcade, and it's skee ball. (Mum is a skeeball fanatic, so we never have to searching for her when it's time for lunch.) There's also lots of great food, and it's right on the shore, so we'll be able to have a nice picnic lunch.

The overall goal for me this week is to a) try to take it easy and enjoy myself as much as possible and b)take a TON of pictures, which is something I haven't really been feeling inspired to do lately, with all the heavy stuff. But I know, with all of these fabulous people - not to mention more than a few adorable kids - around, I'll be itching to pick my camera back up.

Plus, since I'm promising to post a few of the best ones, I'd better get busy.

Rehearsal Dinner: Pass the wine!

So then, after the rehearsal, we all went out to dinner and had a pretty good time. Here are some of the Best Shots from our little get together. Honestly, at this point in the festivities, people were still trying to be on their best behavior. But the stress, of trying to get everything finished by Saturday (this was Thursday night)? Oh, it was pretty heavy.

But here's the happy couple, and they did a good job of putting aside most of the pressure in order to have a good time. SisterJ's anxiety got a good strong hold on her when we'd first arrived at the church - mostly because of an annoying coordinator lady who was pretty damn unhelpful - but she'd managed to calm down a lot by the time we got to the restaurant.


My two nephews are four years and usually quite a few miles apart, but they still manage to get along pretty well. Here, in response to my request that they do 'something fun,' the pose as 'Secret Agent Spies,' which they continued to be for the next two days. Once they got their tuxes on? It was look out evil, here we come.

Here's Big (no longer Only, as I now have a Brother-In-Law!) Brother and Oldest Sister/SisterS. These two were the least... caught up in the wedding- brouhaha, and all it involved, and while I guess that was good for them, it wound up being pretty hurtful, in some ways for SisterJ. SisterS not only left the bachelorette party about halfway through, she set herself apart at the reception, secluded with her boyfriend, and then left early, even after SisterJ had told her she'd be hurt if she did Ah, the drama. Mostly, I don't understand SisterS as much as I can my other sisters - she's lived with her mom, and therefore apart from most of us, for various times in her life. She's also at a point in her life where she thinks a lot of things are a waste of time, energy and resources - unfortunately, this included what she called the 'overreactions' of SisterJ about stuff (relating to the wedding) that 'isn't really important.' I'm not saying that there wasn't a certain amount of obsession on the bride's part, when it came to the wedding and the details and all of that, I'm just saying that SisterS, and her lack of tact didn't exactly help things. She just didn't handle things well. But here, at least, she's having a good time.



Here's Dad, my new Brother-in-law, and his uncle, about 1 and a half bottles of wine into the night. Deep discussions, and at least 5 more bottles of wine and a bottle of lemoncello followed.




Obviously:


Now, neither Lil Girl or I were drinking, but we still had a good time ;)




Here's Big Brother and Sister K being sweet too (although I won't swear to how sober either of them may be)



SisterJ and her bosses, who had nothing but nice things to say about her. It's so weird, sometimes to see your younger sisters as adults. (Yes, I realize that's an odd thing to be saying when I'm talking about her wedding, but that's a whole 'nother issue.) I was so proud that these people, who'd stood by her during this really trying year, were able to see just what a great person she really is, issues aside.


And another great shot of the bride and groom, as the evening wrapped up.



Oh, there's tons more --> you can click on my flickr account if you're impatient, but I think I'll be getting around to them as time moves on, if you've got it in you to wait.

Up next, a few finishing touches & the getting ready craziness!

Oh, the moods I've been in

It's been a long tiring week, while my body does it's vicious dance with the germs that want to take up residence permanently. Aside from a fever that just wouldn't quit, my brain just couldn't stay connected to reality for more than, let's say 7 minutes at a time. If this week had had a theme it would've been something akin to "ugh."

So, I'm glad that it's over. I've declared that it's over, and my body is just going to follow along cuz I told it to (hahahahaha). Either way, I'm sick of thinking about it. So, how about some of the pictures I promised you instead?

I'm going to start with some really cool shots of the rehearsal dinner, b/c I'm organized like that. :D

This is our very gorgeous church: I honestly can't imagine getting married anywhere but here. In addition to being our childhood church, it's just really picturesque, so we kinda lucked out there.





Here's Dad, Lil Girl, Oldest Nephew, SisterS and SisterJ - The Bride on their way to get things started:


SisterJ & Dad practice their walk down the aisle (no tears for faux-wedding days!)


Here's the 3 loves of my heart: Oldest Nephew, Youngest Nephew & Lil Girl, all on their bestest behavior!


And the Happy Couple stops to pose on their way out of church.



The rehearsal at the church went quickly, we had kind of an annoying lady running us through it (she kept saying how in charge she was, but she really wasn't). SisterJ was feeling a little bit of anxiety, b/c the church people had screwed up some of the paperwork, but it went pretty well.

I'm going to stop by again later and show you all the rehearsal dinner highlights, keep my mind busy on something else for a while.

Hello My Lovelies!

Laptop is still being uncooperative, but I managed to get back here again, so I thought I'd check in.

I wanted to tell you how the shower went last Saturday, in case you were waiting with baited breath.

Honestly? It went rather well... my co-hostesses were a bit lax in the whole "you have to introduce yourself to people" arena, but other than that, and a mini-post crash, I think things went awesome.

SisterJ and her fiance seemed a little bit surprised (although I'm not entirely sure they were), and most importantly, everybody had fun. So that's good.

How about some photographic proof of said fun? I thought you might like that...

Here we are in the car... I'm taking pictures because we're running late. AGAIN. And I'm trying not to go crazy. (I am an early bird, in a family of never-on-time-s.) That's Sister Y, Oldest Nephew, & Sister Ch...



Lil Girl, hiding for the chance to say 'surprise;'

Here are the soon to be Mr. & Mrs. playing a who knows who best game:

Can you guess who's winning?




Then there were some presents:





We did cake smooshing, because Sister J is VERY MUCH OPPOSED to doing it at the wedding...




Which turns out to be a good thing.


There's a few more still to come, but overall, I thought it went really well! (Note to self, however: if you're planning on playing games, bring pencils. Don't leave them on your desk.)

(You can click on over to my Flickr Stream to see more: if we're not friends, let's be!)