Where I've been

Nowhere exciting, unfortunately.

Just feeling a little bit more rundown than usual: Allergies and a spring cold - along with a birthday party, a baby shower, a double christening and a wedding shower - have left me feeling the full weight of the Fatigue part of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I'm still waiting to hear if my surgery is on or off - if it's on, it's scheduled for Next Friday, which - how the damn hell did the end of May get here so fast? I'm loving my new computer, which is quick and not-complaining and purple-ish and a little heavy but I am getting used to it. I am mostly doing mindless things, and have so many unread feeds in my Google Reader that I almost don't want to turn it on (and some days, I just don't). There is very little exciting news here - SisterCh moved in with her fiance, leaving me as the only child still at home, and that is not the most awesome feeling, let me tell you. I am weeks behind on phone calls, because every time I look at the phone I get a feeling of just "ugh" and then I roll over and read a book because I don't have to think of what to say next. I am very sorry if you are reading this and are one of those people I haven't called... I'm getting there, I promise. Poor BestFriend/College Roommate and I haven't seen each other since November, I think, and I keep seeing her - and her kids - Christmas presents in the corner and cringing, because it's mostly my fault that we haven't met up, and yet I just don't have enough umph to say "Come on over!"

And this post is very whiny, which I do not enjoy, so instead of keeping on in that vein, I'm going to say that Lil Girl told me the other day that I am "Beauteous", and I wanted to give her a pony. And that my cousin's twins (now 2 and almost a half years old) finally came over for the first time a few weeks ago, and it was amazing to see them running around (one with his feeding tube and all, the other avoiding the tube expertly), laughing, and seeing their mom laugh did me some good as well. And, finally, No Longer Youngest Nephew pitched in his first Little League game this week, and retired his side with no hits!

I'll be back soon, I hope: Just gotta think of something to say.

Rehearsal Dinner: Pass the wine!

So then, after the rehearsal, we all went out to dinner and had a pretty good time. Here are some of the Best Shots from our little get together. Honestly, at this point in the festivities, people were still trying to be on their best behavior. But the stress, of trying to get everything finished by Saturday (this was Thursday night)? Oh, it was pretty heavy.

But here's the happy couple, and they did a good job of putting aside most of the pressure in order to have a good time. SisterJ's anxiety got a good strong hold on her when we'd first arrived at the church - mostly because of an annoying coordinator lady who was pretty damn unhelpful - but she'd managed to calm down a lot by the time we got to the restaurant.


My two nephews are four years and usually quite a few miles apart, but they still manage to get along pretty well. Here, in response to my request that they do 'something fun,' the pose as 'Secret Agent Spies,' which they continued to be for the next two days. Once they got their tuxes on? It was look out evil, here we come.

Here's Big (no longer Only, as I now have a Brother-In-Law!) Brother and Oldest Sister/SisterS. These two were the least... caught up in the wedding- brouhaha, and all it involved, and while I guess that was good for them, it wound up being pretty hurtful, in some ways for SisterJ. SisterS not only left the bachelorette party about halfway through, she set herself apart at the reception, secluded with her boyfriend, and then left early, even after SisterJ had told her she'd be hurt if she did Ah, the drama. Mostly, I don't understand SisterS as much as I can my other sisters - she's lived with her mom, and therefore apart from most of us, for various times in her life. She's also at a point in her life where she thinks a lot of things are a waste of time, energy and resources - unfortunately, this included what she called the 'overreactions' of SisterJ about stuff (relating to the wedding) that 'isn't really important.' I'm not saying that there wasn't a certain amount of obsession on the bride's part, when it came to the wedding and the details and all of that, I'm just saying that SisterS, and her lack of tact didn't exactly help things. She just didn't handle things well. But here, at least, she's having a good time.



Here's Dad, my new Brother-in-law, and his uncle, about 1 and a half bottles of wine into the night. Deep discussions, and at least 5 more bottles of wine and a bottle of lemoncello followed.




Obviously:


Now, neither Lil Girl or I were drinking, but we still had a good time ;)




Here's Big Brother and Sister K being sweet too (although I won't swear to how sober either of them may be)



SisterJ and her bosses, who had nothing but nice things to say about her. It's so weird, sometimes to see your younger sisters as adults. (Yes, I realize that's an odd thing to be saying when I'm talking about her wedding, but that's a whole 'nother issue.) I was so proud that these people, who'd stood by her during this really trying year, were able to see just what a great person she really is, issues aside.


And another great shot of the bride and groom, as the evening wrapped up.



Oh, there's tons more --> you can click on my flickr account if you're impatient, but I think I'll be getting around to them as time moves on, if you've got it in you to wait.

Up next, a few finishing touches & the getting ready craziness!

Hello My Lovelies!

Laptop is still being uncooperative, but I managed to get back here again, so I thought I'd check in.

I wanted to tell you how the shower went last Saturday, in case you were waiting with baited breath.

Honestly? It went rather well... my co-hostesses were a bit lax in the whole "you have to introduce yourself to people" arena, but other than that, and a mini-post crash, I think things went awesome.

SisterJ and her fiance seemed a little bit surprised (although I'm not entirely sure they were), and most importantly, everybody had fun. So that's good.

How about some photographic proof of said fun? I thought you might like that...

Here we are in the car... I'm taking pictures because we're running late. AGAIN. And I'm trying not to go crazy. (I am an early bird, in a family of never-on-time-s.) That's Sister Y, Oldest Nephew, & Sister Ch...



Lil Girl, hiding for the chance to say 'surprise;'

Here are the soon to be Mr. & Mrs. playing a who knows who best game:

Can you guess who's winning?




Then there were some presents:





We did cake smooshing, because Sister J is VERY MUCH OPPOSED to doing it at the wedding...




Which turns out to be a good thing.


There's a few more still to come, but overall, I thought it went really well! (Note to self, however: if you're planning on playing games, bring pencils. Don't leave them on your desk.)

(You can click on over to my Flickr Stream to see more: if we're not friends, let's be!)

Monkeys? Hop on! Ducks? Screw that!

Some stuff came up this week, and the niece of transparency (thank you all for the shutter speed explanations, that's what I was guessing it was too!) wound up having to spend all the days (and a few of the nights) with us.

And, as I am still (41 days later!) hiding out on the couch in my living room, the pain, it is not so much the manageable all the time.
Needless to say, this has cut into my blogging time. But now I am recuperating a bit, and I thought I'd share this IM between me and Sister K, who stopped over to play for an hour or so on Wednesday, during her spring break.

Sister K [10:48 PM]: is tonight the night Lil Girl is sleeping over?
NTE [10:49 PM]: yesh. she is asleep, who knows how long it'll last, but right this second, she's asleep
Sister K [10:50 PM]: :)
SisterK [10:50 PM]: was she good today like yesterday?
NTE [10:51 PM]: she's such a good girl - like 98% of the time. No meltdowns today, just a couple of whininess-ish times
SisterK [10:52 PM]: :) i told everyone who would listen to me about playing play-do and carebears
NTE [10:52 PM]: yeah, we do a lot of that. Every single day.
Sister K [10:53 PM]: i like how she all of a sudden goes, 'WOWWWWWWWW'
NTE [10:54 PM]: today, on the way home, we sang the wheels on the bus. FOREVER. there were dogs, cats, monkeys... all on the bus
NTE [10:54 PM]: trying to keep her awake long enough to drive home was a bit of a challenge
Sister K [10:54 PM]: hahaha
Sister K[10:55 PM]: monkeys on the busss nice
NTE [10:56 PM]: hey: we do what we have to. i was trying to put ducks on the bus and she goes "noooooooooooo" Like "what are you thinking woman?? Ducks? On a bus?? You are crazy!" But monkeys? Sure... hop on!
Sister K[10:56 PM]: hahaha <3

So, just in case you were wondering: No ducks on the bus. Happy Friday, everybody. Thank God it's here.

Everyworry

I nearly just put down the computer and headed towards the kitchen for unnecessary food... (When you have no appetite, you often have to remind yourself to eat at all, but when I'm stressed, I eat no matter that I'm not hungry.) But I've been talking to myself for the past hour about facing my fears instead of distracting myself from them. And so, here I am.

This is one of those times that I'm going to write this whole long (or short) post, get finished, and then have to make the decision whether or not it just goes in the draft folder. Or if I am brave enough to push the post button.

I want you to know that I've appreciated your kindness, your generosity, the fact that you keep coming back to read, to say 'hey,' to check in when most of what you're getting is maudlin and dreary. And most of us are feeling enough of the maudlin and dreary on our own lately, and don't especially need extra. I know that feeling: I've been guilty of clicking on a blog I love, seeing how sad the post is and moving on, because I just... can't. Not on that day. So I understand if you just can't, too. That's ok. I hope you'll keep in touch, keep checking in, stop by when there's something more pleasant on our plate.

But here's the thing: that plate? Is overflowing. With everything and everybody. And everyworry.

At least that's what it feels like a lot of the time. I know I can handle it: I actually feel like I am handling it all pretty well, but I'm just saying: it's a lot.

None of the other problems I/we have been having disappeared when Nana died. Life doesn't work that way. My illness is not on hold because I don't have the energy to deal with it. My brother's relationship to his fiance didn't become all patched up, and his preferred form of dealing with stress (by not dealing with it) hasn't magically transformed either. The premature twins aren't uncolicky, and their mother is still a tad bit overwhelmed and depressed. The housing market isn't exactly friendly, and neither are the PUS. Things that were little got magnified, and things that were eventuallys became nows. It's unfortunate, but it's true.

And there's the grief. The little moments when you pick up the phone to call her for dinner, when you burst into tears because her favorite thing to teach was always the American Revolution, and she's missing a most awesome show? (Seriously, are you watching this show? It's on the HBO... and now I think Abigail Adams is a rockstar!)

I always feel compelled to put all the good things in, when I start a post like this, in the hopes of saying: 'I know it's a lot, but I've also got all of this!' I'm tempted to do that now, but that isn't what I wanted to write about. Check out my other posts from this week, if you're looking for the happiness.

And the happiness, it's here too. It's the complexity of things that's got me all churned up tonight. A night where my brother takes an Ambien and says it's for stress. Where Youngest Sister fills her plate with Harvard-y things, and becomes blind to everything else. Where Grandmother takes longer to recover from a cold than me (heretofore unheard of, I assure you). Where my doctor's appointment gets rescheduled, but I'm out of meds. Where my checking account starts to resemble Al Capone's Vault. Where my laptop's fan insists on making an extra hissing noise for no good reason. Where the Easter Bunny bought double the amount of candy, used to making twice as many baskets (one from us, one from Nana.)

It's a night for feeling overwhelmed, and I'm not going to apologize for it. I apologize too much: two people told me that recently, and I'm afraid they're right, so I'm cutting back.

Feeling everworry is a heavy thing, and sometimes you just need to set the load down for a few minutes. Thanks for letting me.

Hey everybody!

I'm totally out of it, or at least I'm predicting that I'll be totally out of it, based on previous experience, so I'm writing this now to post later.

I've signed up to "Whore My Loot!" , but if I'm posting this as an alternative, it's just cuz I'm not feeling up to taking pictures (or typing... or probably doing anything except staring into space and remembering to press the "post" button). I'll get around to my own, received loot later, but how'd you like to see what I gave out this year instead?

I'm kinda proud of a lot of my gifts this year: having used my good sense & not spent big time $$$; having gotten very specific and individualized presents, and having discovered the joys of Esty, I really felt like this year I did particularly well.

So here's some of what I'm planning to give tomorrow (or... rather, have given and been exclaimed over!)

I spent the year picking up bargains on DVDs for Older/Only Brother, of movies that we'd enjoyed growing up. Here's a few:




For SisterJ, I got a print of an angel statue, sleeping:



And a print called "If Humpty Dumpty was a girl" from Esty artist, the Dreamy Giraffe, whose artwork I lurve...

So much so that I also ordered:
For Youngest/Only Niece:


For Her mama, STB Sister-in-law:


(Ahem... I may have also kept one for myself... ya never know.)
I wanted to keep SisterK's present for myself, but I bravely wrapped it up instead:

Isn't it gorgeous? It's also from Esty, from Little Dear, totally droolworthy prints, I promise.


Lil Girl/Only Niece also got the latest adventure of her favorite animal:



College Roommate/Best Friend got a framed photo of her daughter & Lil Girl, having a blast over the summer:


And SisterCh got yet another Esty find, a Monopoly necklace. Monopoly is her favorite game... it's kind of an obsession. So, hopefully she'll love this too:


There's more, but it's Christmas Eve and I'm still wrapping, so I'll type more later. Since I'm meant to post this on the 27th, I hope you all have had a fabulous, peaceful holiday.

I should be checking in soon.

Love!

Present time....

See yesterday's post Re: The 1st party of the Clump, and you will see that I am pretty exhausted, so here's a look at SisterK's birthday present. A year ago, I decided to do scrapbooks for all of my siblings, and each year on their birthdays, I add a year's worth of pages. I enjoy doing them (even though they are a lot of work), and so far, my siblings have all really loved them. Of course, I have a ton of work to do for SisterS and Only Brother over the course of the next month, but I'm not thinking about that now. Instead, here are a few of the pages I added to Sister K's book this year:

And so it begins...

Yesterday was Youngest Sister/Sister K's 19th birthday, which ushers in our season o'birthdays. Or, as I like to call it, The Clump. Oldest Nephew really starts things off in the end of September, but then things really start to roll, and birthdays start coming fast and quick all the way through to the first week of February. Here's a brief rundown of the birthdays just in our immediate family:

Oldest Nephew - Sept 20th
SisterK - Nov 9
SisterS - Nov 30
Soon-to-be-SIL - Dec 10th
Only/Big Brother - Dec 15th
Mum - Jan 1
SisterCh - Jan 5
Dad - Jan 21
SisterJ - Feb 8

Hence, The Clump. If you throw in a couple of cousins, both of my grandfathers (who are now deceased), and a handful of anniversaries - not to mention Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Years... well, you can see how it might get a little crazy around here sometimes.

When I was younger, I was jealous of The Clump - everyone in my family had their birthdays all together, and I was stuck out in June all by myself. (Of course, they were all jealous of me, because it was for my birthday and I could have cookouts. Grass greener and all that.) But additions to our family in recent years have contributed to a sort of Mini-Clump in the late spring. Now there's

Youngest Nephew - May 2
Lil Girl - May 21
Soon to be BIL - May 22
Me - June 5

It's not quite so isolated now, and with all the graduations and first communions we've had over the years, it's hard to remember a time when it really was just me, out there all by myself. I kind of like that our Mini-Clump is gathering new members... we'll see what the future brings.

Anyways, tomorrow is our first Clump-party: SisterK will be coming for cake, and my cousin, her husband, are coming down from Maine to introduce us to their new baby (yay! except I've been worried about my sinus infection and being contagious, but the doc said it's not strep, and I've been on the antibiotics for... well, these ones for a week, and he said I should be good. I've got masks, though, just in case.) I've finished up SisterK's present, and am resting, resting, resting for tomorrow. Now if I could only get some actual sleep, it'd be fabulous.

Taking Care

Sorry, but I've been too busy watching the World Series to post.









Yeah, I didn't think you'd buy that, but it gave me a chuckle to write it anyways.

No, in reality, it's more I've been trying to take care.

Care of SisterJ whose connection to the world seems fragile at best, and who needs so much, and makes me wish I had better answers (or, indeed, any at all).

Care of SisterCh who did the totally selfish thing last week, instead of supporting her sister, and now feels even more isolated from our family. Which is what I knew was going to happen when she decided to go back to Loser Boy, so I'm setting aside my anger at her behavior in order to help her see that she's still loved. Care of Youngest Sister, who spend all week 'preparing' to write a 7 page paper, totally intimidated by her first Harvard assignment. Helping her move past the fear to get to the actual writing took us 7 days... and she finally finished it at about 3 this morning, 5 hours before it was due. I know the next one will be easier, but jeesh...


Care of Lil Girl, who (like her brother before her and Oldest Nephew before him) helps remind me that there is happiness in the world, that I am doing something important with my life, even if it's not what I'd planned to be doing.


Care of Grandmother, when we found out one of my uncles (her second oldest) has lung cancer - a tennis ball sized tumor, but not metastisized, thankfully - on the 7th anniversary of another of her son's death. (PS. Typing "Lunch Cancer" instead of "Lung Cancer" probably isn't worth a chuckle, but I'll take them where I can get them these days.) Care of my other grandmother, Nana, whose doctors think she also has lung cancer - and taking care of her, in this case, means convincing her to not bury her head in the sand like she would like to: to at least have the (non-invasive) PET Scan (hell, I've already had 2!), so that they can have a better idea of what she's really facing.

Care of Mum who pretty much refuses to let anybody take care of her, and I seem to be the only one who's recognizing that this is all ridiculously difficult on her too. No, that's not true, but SisterJ can't feel better just for her - although she'd like to - and the rest of them just aren't helping as they should. So I try to make her eat, by eating. Or TiVo stuff for us to watch together and ask her to sit with me. Or nag her until she calls the eye doctor about her weird rash and makes her (2 years overdue - like Nana, like Mum!) GYN appointment.

Care of a cousin, pregnant with Twins - her first, very high risk pregnancy. Who's now confined to 'light bed rest' (meaning she can go to the doctor's appointments and the bank, all in the same week, but only if she absolutely has to) with more than 2 months left to go. Who never thought she'd have kids, but, now that she is, spends all of her time worrying over how not to lose them - and throwing up so hard it comes out her nose.

I'm trying to listen, I'm trying to help. I'm just showing up, because it is all I can think to do. I'm having trouble showing up at all the places I want to be though - a friend's housewarming, the other end of College Roommate's phone calls, this blog, friend's blogs - and because I'm also trying to take care of me, I'm giving myself the space to not feel guilty about that right now.

However, this is definitely one of those weeks where I'd like to dissect alive, piece by tiny piece, the people who wrote The Secret: "Law of attraction - really? Well, let's see... my scalpel seems to be unnaturally attracted to your pinky toe nail, whoops, I meant the whole toe... and also your kneecap...and..." Because there's only so much 'thinking your way to the positive' you can do when your body is trying to reject your babies, or when your brain is telling you that the only time you are safe is when you are asleep, so wouldn't "sleeping" forever mean you'd be safe forever?

Going for a ride

Going for a ride
Originally uploaded by bbackprple

We all know how hard it is to get everybody in a picture smiling at the same time, particularly when one of those people is a child. So imagine my surprise when this one actually came out with smiles all around! It's not perfectly composed (SisterCh and Sister K stuck their heads in from the back seat while I was trying to get Soon -to-be Sister-in-law and Baby Girl's picture), but I love it anyways. Her smile, my sisters being the goofs that they naturally are - it just works for me.

A quick aside - today kicks of National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness week (a part of National Chronic Illness Month - seriously, who knew?), so come back all week long for some important posts about Invisible illnesses, living with chronic illness, and a billion other things. Thanks!

And head on over to Picture This for more Best Shot Monday pictures!

"Do You Have A Blog?"

As a matter of fact, I do.

I'm (sort of) sorry I lied, but if I told you about it, then you would want to read it. And if you read it, I wouldn't be able to say things like this, or this, or most especially this if you were reading.

It's not that I don't love you and all, it's just that I think I might go crazy if I had no place to say all these things to. And I wouldn't want you to get hurt.

So I lied. And I'd do it again.

--------------------------------------------------

Thank you all so much for the encouraging comments on my last BSM photo: I'm glad you liked it. Since I've started hanging out at Picture This, and since I bought Photoshop and actually read the manual that came with my camera, I'm finding a new love for photography. I've been reading up on it, learning a lot about focus and F stops, and venturing away from the automatic settings of my fabulous digital camera. (Not to mention coveting better cameras with image stabilization - curse my damn shaky hands!) And checking out all of the other postings to Best Shot Monday certainly helps start my week off on the right foot.

----------------------------------------------------

As for the whole "ignoring things doesn't make them better," several family issues have been nearing crisis point for some time.

Big/Only Brother had an 'episode' on Friday, which he claims is totally unrelated to the newly renewed addiction to prescription pain killers. It was either a seizure of some sort, or he was choking, or who knows what... he stopped breathing, lost consciousness, and needed CPR, but immediately came back around, a little dazed.

The doctors think it was most likely caused by a drug interaction (one of his allergy meds with his ADD med), or too high a dose of his ADD meds, or something similar - perhaps he even was choking, they don't know. Of course, at the hospital, he denied using any other drugs, so the doctors didn't have all the facts. The fact that they didn't know about the fact that he was taking Vicodin he bought from India doesn't seem to matter to him. During his transfer to the ER, the EMTs popped his shoulder out of the socket, and although it slid back in on its own, he also tore/strained his rotator cuff. It's quite painful, and now he's being prescribed pain meds, so his 'logic' is that he couldn't possibly stop taking them (the illegal ones).

I know you can see the gaping holes in his logic as well as I do, and I cannot describe the level of frustration I am feeling towards him.

He could have DIED. He wasn't breathing. He could, right now, not even be alive.

I had to see my mother's face when she got that phone call, listen to the panic she tried to keep out of her voice. I had to call my sisters and listen to them fall apart, comfort them and tell them to come to home. I had to not fall apart myself, even though it felt like I might be dying. Instead, I had to support my sisters, my grandmother; I had to watch his baby daughter try to climb up the couch, play with her and smile at her, and think: "Her world could be changing right this minute and there is nothing I can do about it."

I am relieved that he is still alive, but I am so angry at him, I could barely look in his direction. I still couldn't say anything more to him besides: "I love you. I am glad you are still alive." I wanted to shout and scream and shake him, but it wouldn't have gotten me anywhere.

He is out of work for at least this week. He can't drive or care for the kids. He has a bunch of tests all lined up. And if this turns out to be not related to his drug use, I may owe him an apology. But the fact that he has started using them again is all that fits in my brain right now. And I find it hard to believe in a coincidence like that - a drug interaction is likely, but only more so because he was taking unprescribed meds.

My parents went down on Sunday and confronted him. He was angry and edgy and defensive: he was also high as a kite, and foggy with it. The meds they'd given him at the hospital weren't the only ones he was taking, I'm sure. He gave my parents a full bottle of vicodin, and made the appointments that they went down there to get him to make. We'll see just how honest he is with his doctor by this time tomorrow.

He does not think that he needs rehab, or an intervention, or anything: "I quit on my own last time" was his defense. And he was serious.

Considering that "last time" was less than 6 months ago, his track record is not impressing me at all.

I'm disappointed and scared and hurt all over again, and don't know that I can help him if I'm like this. He stole from me. He lied to me (and is lying still: to himself and to us). He doesn't think about how his actions influence other people - not just me, but his children, his partner, his parents, his grandparents: Everyone who cares for him. Those things don't matter to him, or if they do, they don't matter enough.

I had to tell SisterK about it - as the youngest, and since she doesn't live at my house, she's been kind of out of the loop about this, but after Friday, she knew something was up. (She's smart enough for Harvard, people, putting things past her is pretty tough.) We talked a lot about how you could grow up with a father like ours, (our father was an alcoholic, who died 8 years ago,) and not think that your kids would be influenced by it. And not see the impact it would have on the rest of your family. Neither of us gets it, but Big Brother is not pleased with comparisons to Daddy. But to me, he sounds exactly the same: excuses about why his behavior is acceptable/forgivable; making things that aren't about him all about him regardless of the feelings of others; not seeing/not caring how his behavior effects those that love him; weak apologies and semi-promises... that's my father shining through his son. I can see him; I can almost smell his beer soaked breath.

And when I see my brother's son, I can only hope that this twisted legacy stops right where it is. Big Brother could do it, could face his problems and try to fix them, and if he does, there will be no better gift for his son, his daughter, his family. He would be nothing less than a hero.

But first he has to realize that he does have a problem. And I'm afraid, so deathly afraid, of what it will take in order for him to see that.

In addition to that lovely little episode, I'm also in exile once again, as the city has finally decided to dig up & then repave my street. The smell is heinous, so I'm at my grandmother's house, where SisterK and I have been staying up till all hours talking. And SisterK was kind enough to pass along yet another sinus infection, on top of the strep that just won't quit. So I'm sore and exhausted; I miss my own bed, my own pillows (5 pillows just aren't enough); the PUS refuses to dig up the flowering - read: smelly - plants they put underneath my window at home, and Nana refuses to dig up the roots of the PUS and put them out on their asses where they belong; Zack thinks that my liver levels are elevated 'unnecessarily,' as is my temp; SisterJ moved into her condo with her Fiance of the Beautiful Eyes, but SisterCh is moving back in, so it's not as though we have any extra space. It has been such an uneventful week.

Each of those things deserves a post of its own, but you won't get them tonight.

Tonight I am tired. I am sick of pretending and stressing and, as Dr Phil would say, "white knuckling it" through the day. Hopefully, they'll finish with the street tomorrow, and I could go home soon. Hopefully.

Till then, I'll just say that I'm glad I have this place, to spill out the crackled and crumbled contents of my overflowing brain. (Hey! You're my virtual pensieve: "It also relieves the mind when it becomes flooded with information." )


And, because of that, I'm not really sorry that I lied.

Well, the weekend..

was the weekend, and here we are, already at mid-week. The shower itself was great - got to see cousins I haven't seen in a long time and check-in with the mommy-to-be - the hotel stay, and long drive, not so much. Also, my siblings are pissing me off, each in their own special ways. So. Ahem.

I spent Monday and all day yesterday in a Fortress of Solitude (my very dark room, doors closed, staring at the blank white walls or with the eye mask on), because the whole thing was just too much. Too much movement, too much visually, too many smells, too much noise: just too much. So peace and quiet reigned, and the world moved on without me.

I missed Youngest Sister's graduation (which was outside, so it wasn't as if I could've gone anyways), but reconnected with the world in time for a small get-together afterwards. There was cake. And we laughed. This is good.

Also, it was my birthday. And I mostly forgot it was, until I came out of my stupor. There is no place for rational thought, let alone knowing the date, in the Fortress of Solitude.

Most of my siblings remembered, which was nice (even if I am still pissed at them). I was going to do dinner or something this weekend, but - once again - they're threatening to actually start tearing up the street this week, which means I'll be exiled again. And post-exile me is not usually fit for company. So, we'll see.

I'm 28 now, and it feels no different than any of the other numbers I've been lately. I've come to realize it probably never will -> Mentally, the number really stops mattering after about 16: it's not so exciting after that. Also, when you feel like you're 98 instead of 28, physically, it's very disconcerting.

But I don't really mind or fear my birthdays, like some: When Older Sister turned 30 last year, she cried. I don't see much sense in that... It's something to celebrate, the fact that I've made it another year; no matter that I had to drag myself the whole way. I'm still here, so I've got that going for me.

Wow, that's a bit of birthday cheer, huh?

No, really. I'm doing better today (aside from the fact that I haven't slept...), and my brain has plugged back in. And then I 'raced' right back here...

All weekend long, I kept saying "wait until I tell the blog about this!" Although I am still less legible than I would like to be, when relating these stories, I am glad to be back.

Thank you for the birthday wishes, btw, those of you who already knew. They were nice to come back to.

How bout y'all: anything interesting happen on your weekends?

Some good news, some not so good

First off, a little bragging: Youngest Sister heard back from her schools of choice... All Acceptances! Harvard, Brown, NYU, Yale. Amazing!!! and... she got a FABULOUS, fabulous, FABULOUS financial aid package from Harvard. A year at Harvard will end up costing her less than she pays to go to her orchestra camp over the summer. Scholarships are our friends!


Buttons = bursting here!!

And you, know what? I have the less-good news, but I'm not going to spoil this post with it. We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Tonight, it's basking time: My sister got into Harvard. (And, since it won't spoil her moment here, I can reminisce a bit: 10 years ago, I got a big fancy package from that school as well. I didn't wind up going there, though: I wound up a few blocks over at a small liberal arts/totally education-focused school.)

My sister got into Brown. And NYU. And BU. And Harvard.

And that big holding-the-breath thing we've all been doing? Is soooo over!