Made it!

Here we are at the end of yet another NaBloPoMo, which makes my 5th November NabloPoMo and my 6th overall (I did a July a year or so ago), all of which I have completed.  Even though at least one of those Novembers included one of the most horrible holidays I've ever experienced, and more than a quarter of the posts tend to mention how I'm either a) feeling horrid or b)not able to think of anything good to say.  I said something, though, for each of those days, for all of those months.  I finished them, and that actually means a lot to me, because I'm so much more likely to see myself as someone who doesn't finish things - not always by choice, but usually by circumstance - and to know that I persevered with this, it definitely feels like something to be proud of.  Especially since Novembers seem to hate me, and this one has been doing its best to ground me into dust.  Still.  Here I am: not dust.  Having completed a goal, and feeling pretty damn good about it.   And to know that I'm here, six years into blogging, and I still (mostly) feel like I've got things to say, and people who show up to listen to them.  So: Thank all the gods and goddesses, including the FSM, that November is over, and let's bring on December and some good news, shall we? 

Nope, not writing today

At least not anything that requires brain cells cooperating with each other.  Am thoroughly (oh my goodness, if you could see how badly I spelled that before spell check fixed it, there would be no need to complete this sentence) exhausted, and not feeling creative at all.  Spent a pretty hard day at the hospital with Grandmother.  Hard only because her pain meds make her confused, and so there were some tough moments when she couldn't keep things straight or thought people who aren't alive any more were still going to come and visit her, but I can deal with that.  It's hard to see her in pain though, and to see how frustrated she is by the fact that she can't do what she wants to do.

 Her roommate has a bleed on her brain somewhere, and her behavior is often confused as well: at one point the OT had her up and walking around, and when she saw Grandmother's face (which, thanks to her blood thinners, is spectacularly bruised), she almost started crying and just kept saying "What happened to you?  What happened to your face?!?"  Grandmother kept asking me who she was, and telling her that she fell down the stairs, but it just got loud and started to spiral up into semi-chaotic cloud of craziness.    At that point, it took a lot for me not to start crying too, because between the two of them it was just randomly intense... they each played into the other's bewilderment, and I heaved a huge sigh of relief when the doctors came in to talk to the roommate (who seems like a perfectly lovely woman, btw) and her family. Her family seems so lost, I could see on her daughter's face the sense of "what the hell is going on? and why can't the doctors fix it?" and I felt so badly for them, wishing I could help.  And knowing exactly how hard it is to look into the face of someone who has loved you every minute of your entire life, and not know how to help them. 

I seem to be spending a lot of time doing that lately, and I am not appreciating it AT ALL.

Sometimes being a grown-up really sucks, you guys. 

On the plus side, we all apparently survived the end of days

In an apparent effort to ensure that a member of our family has to visit the hospital at least once every two weeks, my 94-year-old grandmother fell, face first, down the fifteen (thankfully carpeted) stairs in her home early yesterday morning.  My uncle heard her fall and rushed down the stairs, where she was gushing blood from a nasty gash on her forehead, struggling to sit up, and frantically asking him if she had gotten any blood on the new wallpaper.  (She had not, in case you, like she, care about that at all: I, in case you were wondering, do not.)

I spent most of the day today at the hospital with her, where I was shocked at her battered appearance, although, I don't know why, since she fell down a flight of stairs - she's mostly black and blue, with two huge cuts on her forehead, as well as numerous smaller cuts on her face.  Her main injury is a broken shoulder bone, which was immediately operated on, because it was putting pressure on (or cutting off ? My uncle is not so good at communicating medical stuff) an artery.  She has various pins and screws holding the arm in place, and the artery was repaired by a graft, but she's in pretty tough shape.  Between her head injury and the pain meds, she wasn't completely on target while we were there - the nurses kept asking us if she was usually more lucid, and I said that she never takes more than an aspirin and she banged her head up pretty badly, so I thought she was doing pretty well, even if she did say "Bahama" was the president, and that we were in a library that she was afraid would be closing soon.  (Also: it is December 28th, 2012 - hence this post's title.)

They're talking about weeks of recovery - hospital and rehab - and this is her second go 'round with all of that, so hopefully it will all go as smoothly as it did last time.  I'm just glad she's doing as well as she is... it was pretty terrifying to read my uncle's e-mail ( I mentioned, about the not being good at communication, right?), and then seeing her today was pretty rough as well.  But tomorrow will hopefully be a little bit better, and we'll get this healing show on the road. 

After all, we have to be in fighting form for the apocalypse, right? 

PS - why do hospitals have to smell like that?  It is hideous. 

For getting up in the morning purposes

(especially if you are the sister who reads my blog: just for you!)

Nymphs are not what you think they are

Did you know a baby llama is called a cria?  Yeah, me either.  There were some other surprises too: just finished reading Chuckling Ducklings and Baby Animal Friends   to LilGirl for her bedtime story, and I was not aware of a lot of those names... Elvers (baby eels), leveret (baby hare), eyas (hawk).  A lot of new information for two very tired brains.  I have a feeling we'll be reading it again tomorrow, just for some clarity.  But the pictures are adorable, and it's pretty cute, overall.  She really loved it, and her big brother was paying attention when we were naming some he didn't know either, so that's a bonus.  It's great when facts are presented in a fun way, you know, so you can trick kids into learning. 

By the way, the title refers to one that wasn't in the book: did you know that a nymph is another name for a baby cockroach or grasshopper?  I'm going to go with grasshoppers, just because roaches should not have such evocatively beautiful names. 

I had a piece of one of these for breakfast, and I'm considering having another piece to take my last round of meds. Pie is totally a health food: FRUIT (or VEGETABLE, depending)! EGGS! SPICES! ~ Good for you! (If you have ever seen Bill Cosby: Himself, then you should have the song 'Dad is great, Give us the chocolate cake!' running through your head right about now, like I do.) Anyways, to repeat myself, YUM.

Hope yours was happy too!

Our Thanksgiving was peaceful, full of yummy food, and about as stress-free as I think I am capable of at this point, so that's pretty awesome.  We played Pictionary, which is always good for some laughs (or rants, depending on how the rest of the day is going):  Today, my brother-in-law (I am still not used to the fact that I now have TWO brothers-in-law) was drawing on his team, and he wasn't feeling great, and they were doing so poorly that he decided to just draw a picture of a sad face, with tears.  "This is me, not wanting to play this anymore," he said when the timer ran out.   I am still laughing about it five hours later.  Because he did look so woebegone, and I thought he was just going to lay down on the floor and take a nap, that's how tired he was.  (And, considering that at least a quarter of the other people in the house were sleeping already, I don't know why he didn't just find a soft spot and curl up, but I am not the boss of everybody.)  Besides, then we would've missed out on his beautiful drawing skills.  

I am not planning on doing any shopping tomorrow, at least not from anywhere except the possible comfort of my computer screen: If you are, more power to you.  I can't think of anything that I want badly enough to go out there with those people, but if you're after something special, I hope you find it easily (and safely!)  As for me, I'm hoping for some quality heating pad time, and am getting a jump start on that right this minute.  Just wanted to sneak in and wish y'all a Happy Thanksgiving, before it was over.

It is pie day.

Four hours, and four pies later, I am to sore to write much.  But the pies look really yummy.  Happy Pre-Turkey Day all! 

In which I tell you about a random website, and you waste time typing a hundred or more words

I'm sorry, what is this website about, again?  I get a kitten every time I get to a hundred words?  This sounds worthy of an investigation.  So I am typing right on through here, and am about a third of a way to a kitten already... what type of kitten is this anyways, Written? Kitten!?  I'm wondering if it's a real picture of a cat, or what? Or a little animated kitten like that stupid paperclip that used to pop up and ask if I needed any help from way back in MS Office, circa 1996? (Since I specifically remember that ridiculous thing showing up during a particularly taxing English paper Junior year.)  Question answered - it is a picture of a cat (or in my case, the back of a cat), from what I assume is some random site on the internets.  I am going to keep typing, however and get to the next hundred, just to double check that it results in a kitten picture every time.  Let's see... it just occurred to me that this would be a time where using the phrase "here kitty, kitty" would actually be appropriate, and, when you're typing, those occasions do not occur often,  (Just FYI - it was another picture of the same kitten, only this time I got to see its face.)  Also? you can adjust the word count that you want to reach (100, 200, 500, 1000), which might have come in handy back when I was typing up those ridiculous papers.  Although: Fair Warning, the site tells you copy and paste often, because it doesn't automatically save your work.  Which would be a major drawback for me, because I often forget to to save things until right after they crash, and I am left starting over again, but if you are smarter than me (Oooh: new kitten.  Also cute: It's got a little freckle on it's nose!), or more obsessed with kittens, then you might want to check it out.  The address is writtenkitten.net/#  Enjoy! 

Ghost girls

Supposed to be feeling thankful, and right now, I ain't feeling it. I ain't feeling anything, honestly, besides jealousy and .. longing. All of the family posts at this time of year, and it hurts some that I don't have the family I want.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Back in June, around my birthday, when all my cousins and friends were turning up pregnant (again), and my littlest nephew was being all toddlery up two hours away from me, and I realized that this fall would be the first time I would not be participating, in an every day active sort of way, in the raising of a child, I felt an overwhelming sadness. It was horrible: because I was happy for them - some of them worked really hard to get to this point, and others were just so excruciatingly happy it was catching - but I was so sad, for me. I am still so sad, for me.

One of my oldest friends has been doing IVF for about a year now, with no results. She's discouraged, but not completely, and she and her husband have decided to give it a rest until February, just to have some space to breathe. She and I have talked about how hard it is to want something and feel like you're never going to get it, and I think we mostly understand each other, but not completely. Our situations are the same, in that we want kids, but our bodies just aren't able to provide them right now, but in almost every other way, our lives are very different: She has a high-paying, successful job, and a husband, and two houses, and I barely make it to the kitchen to feed myself some days, haven't even considered dating in years, and I live in a room (and a half, if I'm being honest) at my parent's house. So we can both be disappointed about that one specific thing together, but, for the most part, I feel like she doesn't get where I am coming from, and I know she feels the same about me - she's actively trying to have kids, and is finding it doesn't work, whereas I haven't tried once, and can't know if it would be as easy for me as it seems to be for teenagers the world over.

I know my sisters want babies, and that there's stuff keeping them from having them, and when we've talked about it, we can sometimes get on the same page. But the response I get most often is something along the lines of "How can you even be thinking about that right now?" And I don't have a good enough answer for that question, really.

So, back in June, like I said, I was really really sad for a few days; it just seemed like I've been waiting for things to get better for so long, and all that waiting had really gotten me was older, and fatter, and sicker. I mean, I've been proactive - I've done the things the doctors tell me to do, but ... it just hasn't felt like I've done much of anything, you know? So after the being sad, I made a decision: starting in September, which was when all the kiddos I usually have around me would be going back to school, I would FULLY commit to me: I would push this 'getting better' thing for all it was worth.

This is probably a good time to tell you that this is something that happens fairly often: this cycle of "Full Court Press"/"Shit this isn't working, what am I doing wrong?"/"Why the hell don't doctors know anything that actually helps me?"/"Fuck it: I'm not going to the doctor again unless I am on fire." The results have been, to various degrees, semi-positive, mostly negative, completely hellacious, and/or neutral to the extreme (as in nothing freaking changed). The best full court press I ever did was right before I went to college, and the doctors diagnosed the orthostatic intolerance that was making me pass out. They gave me the wheelchair, and meds that worked (for a little while), and things were on an upswing. That upswing only lasted about 5 months, and then the meds stopped working, and I've been stuck in the chair ever since. The worst cycle of complete nonsense was when I started doing PT while I was in college, and it was so exhausting and debilitating that I had to drop all my Monday classes, even though I was taking PT on Fridays: I would still be too worn out to attend them, and barely made it to any of the others during the week either. Luckily, I started this right at the end of a semester, so the teacher didn't mind the absences so long as I did the coursework, and then I crashed so badly that I was stuck in bed from the beginning of May until the end of August that year. I literally got up to use the bathroom, and that was it. It was not a fun summer.

But still: full court press, because the thing I want most, in my whole life? Is a child. That's all: I want to be a mom. And I know that in order to be a mom, I can't be this mom ~ which isn't to say I have to be healthy and fine and normal... I know that's never going to happen. But I can't take care of me right now, so adding a baby to that isn't a smart choice. So I was going to commit myself to making a whole lot of real positive changes, and finding out what the hell I'm not doing that I should be doing (including, and this is one I HATE to even consider, but PT, again. Because they swear that water PT is good for FM, that it works and doesn't wreck you. And I don't know if that's true, but I won't know if it works for me unless I try it, right?)

But then: September. September 1, my last full weekend with the kiddos, and I fall and hurt myself so badly that I am barely functional for the entire month. And a half. And my sister-in-law starts her chemo, and I'm trying to do the supportive thing, semi-long distance, but I know I'm not giving it my all, because I've only got half as much to give right now.

So we're halfway through October, and I'm starting to re-emerge from my injury seclusion, and this doctor tells me I may have diabetes, and that doctor tells me that I don't have diabetes, but I might have it soon, and both of them tell me to see a nutrionist who wastes four hours of my time trying to explain how to read the caloric counts off the side of the box. And I am left pretty confused, but trying, and then, all of the sudden, completely unable to eat. And throwing up, and now it's the goddamn flu, and this is what I get for not getting the flu shot, but I got the flu shot last year and still had the flu, and you know what? This doesn't feel like the flu, because my FM isn't any worse, because I don't have a fever, but food won't stay down, and how can I count carbs, when the only thing I have been able to keep down for 5 days is mashed potatoes? Screw carbs: eat potatoes, they don't make you puke.

So then I eat potatoes for three weeks, bringing us into the middle of November, and it turns out it wasn't the flu, but probably my gallbladder. Or my gallbladder AND my liver, which has decided to act up again, after 5 years of silence. And then Mum is in the hospital, and parts of her are falling apart too, and I don't know how to help her with that. And now it's the end of November, and the liver guy can't see me until March, and I have achieved an absolute zero on my "making strides/full court press" agenda, and actually have more things wrong with me than before, and more people to worry about than before, and I am definitely onto phase 2: this is complete and utter bullshit.

This is complete and utter bullshit. I want to get better. I want to build a family. I want to have all those Christmas mornings and temper tantrums, homework hassles and squalling, red-faced baby nestled into his mother's arms at the hospital photos. I find myself, in this season of giving thanks, not constantly thinking about the things that are missing - not even daily thinking about them - but feeling they are missing so acutely sometimes that I want to burst into tears.

My grandmother asks me how my cousin's youngest is doing and I tell her about his colic, she replies "I'm so glad to have those days behind me" (she raised 9), and all I can think is "Will those days ever be ahead of me?" Mum's in the hospital, and even though I know it's not serious, I start to think... what if I keep waiting and all the people I love aren't here to see me finally get there? Dad, in his extreme melancholia while Mum's in the hospital, likes to start conversations with "Well this person died right when they were achieving their dream" and "You know, I think it's a real tragedy that you can't have kids: you'd be an awesome mother." I can't seem to just take the compliment and let the rest drop - it crawls inside me and echoes: will I never be an awesome mother? Will it be a tragedy, for always?

It's not all the time, this ache, but it's there, and so deep sometimes it throbs: I hold my newborn (2nd/1st once removed) cousin, and stroke his cheek, and have to turn away so nobody notices I'm crying.

If you want something, go after it. That's what everybody says: You have to have a plan to achieve the things you want in life; specific goals and ways to meet them.

I have the goals, I have the things I want; I just can't figure out the plans, the steps, the hows. For me, it seems, there's more and more obstacles, and less and less clarity. More things to overcome, and less answers (or hell, even applicable suggestions) on how to surpass them. And I know, I really do know, that it won't always feel this way, that other people have been in a lot worse situations and figured their way out of them, that it won't be the worst thing in the whole world if this is a dream I simply can't accomplish.

But the wanting, right now, is sometimes so strong that I feel like I am sitting with a ghost, of the mother I could be, or the children I could have. The ghost of who I could've been, of the girl/woman I thought I would be: that's something I deal with all the time... I think if you have a chronic illness (or if you have a thousand other things happen in your life), you can get this feeling, this picture of the person you might have been... a ghost of a person past. But this is a new ghost, for me, this ghost-girl of the mother I still could be. And I want to be her so bad, that sometimes, when the image fades, I am heartbroken... to not even have the illusion of her.

And I don't know if any of this makes any sense to anybody but me. (This is that post I've been re-writing so much that the words all sound ridiculous and make-believe, at this point.) And maybe it won't: Not entirely. But I think there must be others out there who live with ghost selves, who deal with the what ifs of the past, and for the future. So I hope that this makes sense to some of you, and explains where I am right now, to the rest of you.

"But when it comes to fiction, the writer's only responsibility is to look for the truth inside his own heart. It won't always be the reader's truth, or the critic's truth, but as long as it's the writer's truth - as long as he doesn't truckle, or hold out his or her hat to Fashion - all is well.

I have now written three drafts of a post I'm trying to get just right, and have been fighting with over the course of about a week, and every draft (while making minor improvements) seems so far from where I ultimately want to wind up, that it's discouraging.  Sometimes the words just don't want to come.  Sometimes too many of them come, but they're all the wrong ones, or they're wearing the wrong outfits, or they showed up to the party three days late.  It's a good reminder that writing is a craft, and that you have to work at it.  Of course, I'd rather that the words just showed up, appropriately attired, when and where I want them to, but that's not always the way it works.  So, tonight, because time is running out to actually get something up, you get this instead - a post (whose title is probably longer than the actual post) about how I'm having trouble writing the real post, and I get to go try to coax the words out of wearing sombreros and galoshes for a little while longer.  


*Stephen King, Full Dark, No Stars

It's time to light the lights...

I know I've told you that I am wicked excited about the Muppet Movie coming out this week.  I am a huge Muppet fan - from Sesame Street through Fraggle Rock, The Dark Crystal, and every Muppet movie or show I could get my hands on (I liked Muppets Tonight, people!)  Miss Piggy, although suffering from a more than a bit of Smurfette Principle, was the first character doll I ever had: dressed in a purple gown, with gloves and, oddly, a turban - I wanted to be her, purple sparkly turban and all.  So, I'm psyched about the Muppet movie, and am going to get someone to take me (which actually might turn out to be pretty easy, because one of my sisters has a crush on Jason Segal).   How about you - You interested?


In the meantime, head on over to Tor, for their awesome Muppet Week reads.  If you're in the mood for a little early Christmas viewing (which I am not: come Friday, it's fair game, but today I'm still in Turkey Mode), I can heartily recommend Muppet's Christmas Carol (which one of my other sisters will roll her eyes at the fact that I watch it every Christmas season).  Oh, and here's a picture of my Miss Piggy Doll, although you can't see her turban (with ear holes) all that well:

Friday Night Lite

Don't especially feel like writing tonight. Don't especially feel like doing anything but sitting in the rocking chair and wishing it was somehow powered by something other than me, because rocking seems like it would take too much energy.

So here's some stuff that other people I feel like sharing this week, just because.

On the subject of families and traditions:

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

Lifenut talks about Snoopy Thanksgiving at her house, and the importance of building traditions.

"You can’t begin a tradition without making some promises to tomorrow. Tradition implies a respect for the past and a dream of the future bright and open. It’s recognizing something good and wanting that same goodness for people they won’t meet for years ~ their children."

In the same vein, there's this Chuck & Beans comic, from the Hallmark Shoebox blog -

And... that's all I have got for you tonight, because I am dragging. Just plum worn out, from trying to accomplish regular things, like normal people, and getting about 1/1400th of what I wanted to do accomplished. :shrug: Must stop trying to make words work well together, because none of them even really make sense to me anymore. Nighty Night!

Why can't we unfriend?

Sometimes looking at the updated feed from my Facebook page is so cringe inducing that I can barely stand it.  Occupy Boston was a large 'offender' today - since they were holding up traffic and making people late for their football games and date nights, and God forbid some of the people on my friends list can't get their drinks immediately following the end of their work day.  I really only have two or three highly offensive friends - people whose politics and world views are so far afield from my own that I have trouble remembering why or how I ever liked them in the first place. The worst offender, by far, is my older brother's childhood best friend, who, previous to Facebook, I was not aware was a right-wing, "anti-PC" (meaning totally pro-any ism you can think of) windbag.  I only follow him so I can see pictures of his adorable children, although even that makes me think: "oh crap, those kids are going to be haters, later."  I even have a cousin who is on Facebook, and I am friends with his wife, but... I know that if I ever want to be able to speak to him in person again, it's better for both of us that we're not FB friends. 

Those two or three fanatically off the deep end friends though, they have friends, and usually, those people's comments are even worse, and I have to just deep breathe and press the little x.  Spraying the Occupy Boston crowd with bullets was suggested, as was that they all get jobs and stop wasting tax payers' money, and my favorite was the suggestion that it was "just an excuse so that the rapists and pedophiles can hang out and rape people and kids."  Yeah: I don't understand how I live in this country, and that there are people who think that protesters, who have specific (and, in my opinion legitimate) complaints about the way our country is run are the same as pedophiles or rapists.  Or that we should just line them up and execute them as a way of "thinning out the herd". 

Seriously? 

Do not comprehend.

Let's take a pretty realistic example: I do not (as previously discussed) find much/any value in the Tea Party movement.  I think it's run by corporations looking to avoid paying taxes or acting as responsible members of our society, and that most of the people (not all, but the majority) are not just ill intentioned, but ill informed.  That's my opinion, and I have a right to it.  When they were here protesting, which they've done numerous times, I have rolled my eyes at their comments, signs or behavior; laughed out loud, sometimes at the complete ignorance when it comes to the issues; and done my best to ignore their existence.  That's what you do - you complain on Facebook about the inconvenience of the rallies, or the lack of spell-check on the signs, or their unapologetic hypocrisy or display of privilege ("there's no such thing as racism anymore," I remember hearing that come out of some (obv. white) Tea Partier on the news a while back).  It's ridiculous, literally: worthy of ridicule, and so I feel free to ridicule away.

But I've never said - or thought, even - let's "mow them down, while they're all in one spot".  Or that, for sure, the Tea Party was just a cover for NAMBLA.  It's just not something that occurs to me, to be honest - the reality of the situation is bad enough, so why think of ways it could be worse.  I get being opposed to what a group of people are doing, and saying so, vociferously, wherever possible.  But when I see all of the vitriol directed at the protesters that many consider too liberal, I wonder a couple of things -

A) When did so many of my friends become friends with douchebags? 

B) Isn't it amazing that other people are so against a group that has done nothing besides say "Hey: we think this is broken?"  They have done nothing - which is part of the reason I am not 100% behind the movement, I feel like there needs to be some actions involved - and yet they are mistreated by the police, falsely portrayed by the press, largely forgotten by the public, and that's just accepted

and, sadly

C) Remember how naive I used to be about our society, and how we were all working toward a common goal?  That we had unalienable rights (not saying that being an asshat on Facebook is a violation of those rights, just that it reminds me of all the violations that nobody else seems to care about)?  That people weren't just mean for the sake of being mean?  Yeah... let's be 9 again, shall we?  I think I need a refresher course. 

Anyways, that long rant about Facebook and cretins, and of course the solution is very simple.  And topical, as it turns out, because today just happens to be National Unfriend Day, which I swear I didn't even know until I just heard this song on another blog (Synergy!)  So it's time to clear out some of the unwanted friend clutter, if you've got some.  Scumbag former acquaintances, who will never even notice that I'm not your friend anymore?  Adios. 

Lovely readers of my unusually curse-heavy today blog?  Please to enjoy this song, in honor of National Unfriend Day

American Censorship Day

If you've been on the Internet at all today, you might have seen something about American Censorship Day.  I first noticed it on Reddit,  and I didn't know what it was about, but as I spent more time wandering through the web, there were about fourteen petitions floating around, begging for signatures.  Honestly, it seemed pretty straightforward to me - the government and entertainment industry are looking for greater controls over the internet, the ability to shut down certain sites, should there be posts of copyrighted materials.  On the surface, I can see both sides to this - Copyrights are protected for a reason: the artists and business people who create films, music, art, etc, work hard and should reap the rewards of their crafts, to the largest extent possible.  On the other hand, letting the government, or a movie studio (for example) have the right to shut down, fine or punish an entire website for the postings of one user?  Seems like an extreme overreaction. 

I saw this video, and it made a lot of valid points I hadn't considered, regarding the economic ramifications of the bill(s):


PROTECT IP Act Breaks The Internet from Fight for the Future on Vimeo.


For myself, even though I respect that copyrights are important, my position (if I've understood what I've read and seen today correctly), is that this is a bill that should not pass.  This bill is way too strict (in terms of penalties), open-ended (in terms of who has the power, and what powers they would have), and doesn't really address all of the (or, honestly, any of the) concerns  I, as an internet user, have about systemic censorship.  So I signed a couple of petitions, and I'm going to see what I can do about calling my Congressmen tomorrow.  Because, even though I haven't heard of it before, this is something that's frightening to me: Giving corporations (even entertainment industry corporations) more power than they already have?  Not a fan.  Punishing all users as if they are monolithic entity?  Not a fan.  Limitless ability to ban websites with very little (or any, as far as I could see) oversight?  Not a fan. 

Censorship in America is so 18th century (if only); Let's keep it that way.

The text of the bill is here;  the Reddit thread I first heard about this from, and which shows that the websites of the bill's own co-sponsor would be in violation of the bill, should it pass, as well as a ton more information, including how to best contact your Congressperson, is here.  


Also, PS? The idea that the Washington Post says that Tea Party advocates are against these bills gave me more than a moment's pause.  I will freely admit that I do not want to be on the same side of just about anything as the Tea Party, since they are generally... the polar opposite of my every instinct.  So I took a little longer to research, after I read that, just in case I was missing something.  But no: They're worried about "business strangling power" that the government might have, if the bill is passed, so I guess, even though we have different reasonings behind it, there's a first time for everything.

I'm working on it...

Got a couple of more in-depth posts in the works, but in the meantime, I thought I'd report back on my no-roll pie crust experiment .  I threw it together with some frozen strawberries and blackberries, a little oatmeal/brown sugar crumble, and am eating it for dessert right now.  Grades are good - it's fairly sweet, but very flaky and hands down the easiest pie crust I've ever made.  I'm not sure how I'm going to adapt the blueberry pie, since that tends to require a top crust (and this would not be pretty enough for that, I don't think), but I'm definitely using it for Thanksgiving pies.  Thumbs up, for sure. 

If you're interested, the recipe I used is:

In a medium bowl, whisk together:

     1 1/2 c flour

     3/4 tsp salt

     2 Tbsp sugar

     1/8 tsp baking powder

With your fingers, work in:

     1/4 c (57g) frozen butter, grated

     1 Tbsp plain cream cheese, room temp

In a small bowl, whisk together:

     1/4 c oil

     2 Tbsp cold milk

Add the liquid to the larger bowl and mix with a fork until all the floury bits are wet.  It will be shaggy – that's okay.

Dump the dough into a pie dish and press it into the bottom and sides of the dish.  Try to get it as even as possible.  Freeze the dough in the dish while you prepare the filling, or for at least one hour before blind baking.

To blind bake, set the oven to 350F/175C and line the dough with foil.  Weigh the foil down with baking beans or uncooked rice (don't eat the rice afterwards) and bake for 10 minutes.  Remove the foil and weights and bake for a further 4-6 minutes uncovered, until golden brown.


And it was originally found here . The best part was the idea of grating the frozen butter, rather than trying to cut it, mix it, refreeze it, wait, then cut it up again.  Grating: why didn't I think of this sooner???    Anyways: Yum.  Off to finish dessert now. 

Patients For A Moment

Kathy, over at FibroDaze will be hosting the next Patients For A Moment blog carnival next week, and her topic -

"When you have made some sort of peace and are coping with the chronic illnesses you do have and “life” throws you curve balls in the form of a new diagnosis, how do you deal? What are your coping mechanisms? How do you come to terms with the new diagnosis?"

is, unfortunately right up my alley.

I'm currently trying to get a handle on at least two startling new diagnoses - That I am either diabetic or pre-diabetic (depending on when I take the stupid blood test), and that my gall bladder seems to want to attack me for no good reason at all.  (Which, unfortunately, makes it not all that unusual from any other organ or part of my body - "Reasons? We don't need no stinkin' reasons!")  I'm also undergoing some testing for an undiagnosed liver issue, which will bring my sum total of chronic conditions up to Way Too Damn Many + Infinity. 

All three of these new issues, plus an injury from a recent fall, have definitely thrown me - More than once I've thought to myself, "But I barely have a handle on everything I already knew was wrong, I don't know how to add these into the mix!"  And I won't sugarcoat it ~ So far, my main coping mechanism has been flat out denial:  I will deal with it by not dealing with it.  That is what I would like to do with each and every illness I happen to have ... I'd like to ignore it until it goes away.  Until it decides that I am no longer worth its time, energy, or effort, and just ... leaves.  But I also know that there is no way in hell this is going to happen.  I mean, it's not like I don't recognize that this isn't a great coping skill; it's just my fallback position. 

Still, denial can only last for so long (I hope), and eventually my brain turns back on, and I realize I have to do something.  I'd say I'm currently smack dab in the middle of this second phase of coming to terms with the newest issues that have been heaped onto my plate: Full out educational immersion.

Deep down, I'm a geek, a scholar, a nerd.  I live my life with the firm belief that there's just about nothing that can't be made better by reading about it - even when I'm upset, I'm curled up with a book, trying to connect to something that will make me feel better.  (The way I knew, all those years ago, that my depression wasn't just run of the mill sad/a tiny bit of malaise?  Was that I stopped being able to enjoy words - reading them, writing them, interacting with them... it was all suddenly bland and useless, and that's when I knew something was dreadfully wrong.)   So, faced with new challenges that I have no idea how I'm going to meet, I head to books, I head to the computer, I head to the library, and I start stuffing as many facts and theories and strategies into my brain as is humanly possible, in the hopes that something will make this easier. 

So far, I've done a done of reading up on diabetic food choices (not diets, because I am not good with diets, but choosing foods that will work better with my body's new issues), which is good, because the nutritionist they sent me to explained things like "you have to eat some vegetables every day" and "the way to figure out how many calories are in what you are eating is to read it right here on the box, let me show it to you", and was utterly useless in every single way.  I've researched what my blood glucose numbers might mean - again, thanks for all your not help, Nutrition Lady - and why the Hemoglobin A1c test that I took could have such varied results, and how I'm probably not diabetic, but I should try to address things before I become diabetic.

  I've looked up the gall-bladder (anatomy - who remembers where all those stupid organs are hiding?), and tried to make sense of the internet's explanations of how something that lives under your ribcage, down by your belly button (ish) can cause pain up behind your shoulder blade, because that is some real ridiculousness right there, human body, and it must be explained.   I've tried to figure out how to peacefully combine the gall-bladder attack prevention diet and the pre-diabetic food choices into a livable mealtime strategy.  (Have not succeeded, by the way, but am working on it.)  I've gone back to some of my favorite chronic illness blogs and looked for relatable, motivational & understanding words; Have reread a couple of books I find inspiring, in the hopes of prodding myself into taking next steps. 

I'm accumulating wisdom by the bucketloads, so that the next time I go to the doctor, I won't be so blindsided by what they're saying, and will hopefully be able to ask relevant questions and actually make progress on things.

It's not the final thing I have to do to make things run more smoothly again - at some point all of that theory and supposition will have to turn into action, and I am sort of dreading that step already - but it's still vital.  It's the 'getting my feet back under me' portion of adapting to change.  The process I have to go through to go from "Hell's no: this is not happening again!" to "Ok: it's happening, let's deal... I know I can pull this off!"   

Yes, I'm disappointed to find myself, 17 years later, under continued attack from so many various parts of my body.  Yes, I'm frustrated as hell that, instead of improving, things just seem to keep getting worse and worse, and that I still haven't gotten to the root of these illnesses, or figured out a way to get rid of them, or how to achieve all the things I want to achieve in my life.  It's beyond frustrating, so much so that when I went to the thesaurus just now to look up a stronger word, one that fit better, I couldn't find one.  It's all of them - upsetting, disheartening, prohibitive, discouraging, defeating, baffling, hindering, depleting - every synonym, all combined together and multiplied a few thousand times.  All of those words to the nth degree. 

But, when I find myself here, at a place that is both familiar and shockingly not, faced with new diagnoses all over again, at least this time I've got some idea of how to get further along down the line:  Stuff brain with as much as it can handle, take breaks in denial land as needed, and know that you can handle it, whatever comes.

I'll share what I like, where I like, Google: You're Not the Boss of Me.

I know I just talked about how much my internet was bothering me, you know, yesterday, but I've got another internet related complaint that I want to talk about today: The loss of Google Reader's like and share functions.  I didn't use the Share in Reader option too often, only for things I was exceptionally excited/depressed about, but I miss it just the same.  Mostly because I could follow other people, and their shares were usually amazing and awesome.  And I miss the ability to like things, because I could just press L when I liked something, and my reader would remember it for later, and I had all these requirements for starring something vs. liking it, and Google has messed all that shit up, because now I have to "S" all the things, and that's just not right. (Whatever: doesn't everybody sort their feeds into a million categories?)  

Google tells the detractors to the new Reader that there's a +1 button, and that it's almost exactly the same as share and/or like, but there's one big difference: In order to +1, I have to register for Google Buzz.  In order to register with Google Buzz (in my experience, and what I've been reading about other's on the web), you have to forgo any shot at internet anonymity.  In other words, I have to use my real name.  My Google Reader was just initials, and I was able to share stuff with two separate groups of people: People who knew me IRL and knew my initials, and I told them how to find my reader OR people who knew my G-Mail through this website and found me that way.  So I could share things with people, without sharing ME with people.

So I'm stuck with not sharing, and not liking, and so I came here to tell you that I don't like the un-liking and un-sharing.  It's stupid.  But, because this is my blog and I can put anything I want here, here are some things I would have liked or shared, over the past little while. 

This AMA Reddit thread, where my favorite astrophysicist, Neil deGrasse Tyson answers questions  (Which, technically did not come through my Reader, but my Reddit & Twitter accounts, but still: Is too much awesome not to share.)  Example of said awesome?  When asked about things that blow his mind:

2) That Quarks come only in pairs: If you try to separate two of them, the energy you sink into the system to accomplish this feat is exactly the energy to spontaneously create two more quarks – one to partner with each of those you pulled apart.  

How cool is that?  And how cool is it that I know that now, something about quarks?  I won't forget it either, which is why I heart Neil deGrasse Tyson: He makes science relevant and interesting.


 This post by the Smart Bitches, where they're asking for recommendations for books whose main characters have disabilities.  Because I am constantly reading these kinds of books, and want MOAR, and because the Bitchery manages not to drag out a lot of tropes that I can't stand (Magical Cures: No, Thank You), or, for the most part, calls out the tropes when they see them... Exception to this rule - some people there have recommended books by Catherine Anderson, because the heroines have disabilities.  While that is the truth, they are just... not good.  I refer you this recent Goodreads thread,  but also, just to common sense: the only thing these books are about is that the character is disabled.  So that's all the author has to talk about as far as those characters go.  She is "Girl in Wheelchair", "Blind Girl", "Deaf Girl" (and always girl, never woman); it is the sum total of her characterization, and the result is some horrible stuff.  Anyways, aside from that, a lot of good recommendations (I've read some, added some to my TBR, and will go back to mine it again.)  I can post some of the best, or links to my Goodreads reviews of them, if anybody's interested in some of the better ones. 

(And that last item reminds me that I haven't talked about the return of Barbara Gordon as Batgirl.  Which I am definitely going to do, as soon as I read the first three issues of Batgirl, to see how I feel her return is being portrayed.  But I can say, even though I haven't read them yet, that I already miss Oracle.  And what she meant to a lot of readers with disabilities, and specifically me.) 

And speaking of comic books, there's this article, regarding what one writer sees as the hypocritically sexist 'neighborhood' of superheroines.  She makes some points that I think are valid:

Most of all, what I keep coming back to is that superhero comics are nothing if not aspirational. They are full of heroes that inspire us to be better, to think more things are possible, to imagine a world where we can become something amazing. But this is what comics like this tell me about myself, as a lady: They tell me that I can be beautiful and powerful, but only if I wear as few clothes as possible. They tell me that I can have exciting adventures, as long as I have enormous breasts that I constantly contort to display to the people around me. They tell me I can be sexually adventurous and pursue my physical desires, as long as I do it in ways that feel inauthentic and contrived to appeal to men and kind of creep me out. When I look at these images, that is what I hear, and I don't think I even realized how much until this week.

 and others I can't comment on because I'm not an avid comic book reader, but it was definitely something to think about.  Comments not recommended, by the way: horrid. 


 This quote  

Those are the best things about having kids, is just those everyday, really funny, weird moments that you could never predict, that completely change your mood and, you know, open up your heart.

  and this photoset of Amy Poehler, that sums up exactly why I want to have a family. Why you'd put up with the colic and the clutter and the "oh my sweet jesus, why are you not wearing clothes-we have to leave right now and you are suddenly naked for no reason" and the "holy god you are only eleven years old, you do not get to pretend you know everything already" moments, just for a "My pleasure" every now and then.

On a more serious note, there's this HuffPo piece by Eve Ensler, which sums up pretty much everything I feel about rape and rape culture.  I'm over it, too. And neither of us is alone: here's Amalah's post about Penn State (her alma mater); and how over it she is as well. 

And two webcomics to round things out.  First up, from  Cowbirds in love :

Cowbirds in Love is awesome, in case you were wondering.

And lastly, from I don't know where, and I hate it when a backlink disappears: , which basically sums up my entire life right now.

Anything that is not doctor related is a plus, at this point.

Firefox is kind of getting on my nerves, because it is lagging behind for no good reason. I'm sure there's a good technical reason that opening certain pages - Words with Friends, Gmail, or 750.com for example - makes the whole damn thing freeze up, but I am not accepting those limitations: Come on Firefox, you can do it!  Because all of my family - the ones who won't come over and play a game in person unless you threaten to withhold their Christmas presents - is all of the sudden obsessed with playing fake-Scrabble, and I have to be able to (make up) play words like 'cwms' and blow everybody's mind. ("CWMS: Pronounced 'cooms'; welsh for cirque"), even though Scrabble, real or fake, is one of my least favorite board games ever. When it comes to word games, I'm more of a Boggle girl, myself - or Upwords, where you can fix other people's stupid mistakes (like stealing all the good bonus spaces).  But if we're playing a game, then I'm in.  So fix yourself, Firefox. 

In unrelated news, I did manage to leave the house for an hour today - to go somewhere that was neither MY doctor/hospital/ER/medical appointment or anybody else's doctor/hospital room/medical appointment.  This is notable because it is the first time since September 1st that I have managed such an outing.  So that's progress.  Considerably less progressive feeling is that my local Target was all decked out for Christmas, and I am still unsure that Halloween has actually passed.  Contributing to my seasonal denial is the unseasonably mild weather we're having here in Massachusetts - three days this week were over 60 degrees, and even though the nights are below freezing, it still might make it to 70 on Tuesday.  The words "70 degrees" and "Thanksgiving" are not compatible, in my estimation.  (The only Thanksgiving I remember it actually being warm like that was one of our holidays from hell, actually, so I'll pass, all the same:  Bring back the fall!)

I was going to say that running to Target is all I accomplished today, but considering how it good it felt, I'm going to exclude the "all" and call it a pretty good day, overall.

Late in the day, again

I keep putting it off and pushing it back - "Oh, I'll write at 7 o'clock, when this show is over, at 9 o'clock..." And somehow now it is after 10 o'clock, and I haven't put two words together.  I know you all are shocked at my procrastination skills. 

I do have good news to report, however: Mom is home from the hospital, and, while pretty exhausted (anyone who thinks a hospital stay is restful and recuperative has obviously never had one), she's doing pretty well.  Got some stuff to follow up with in the next couple of weeks, but definitely a lot better than she was. (She ate food.  Voluntarily.  Twice today that I know of. It has been weeks since that happened, so that's a big step forward.)

Also, I didn't procrastinate all day: I did in fact make cookies today.  Hooray for following through on something.  I made two batches of cookies, froze half and baked half  - because we honestly don't need five dozen cookies on just any regular day, like today, and because there's nothing better than knowing that all I have to do is cut a chunk of the frozen batch and I can have a couple of warm cookies any old time I please.  Plus: I am already there doing it, all of the ingredients are out, I might as well throw it together.  It doesn't take very long, the second batch, and I can do it while I'm waiting to pull the first round out of the oven. 

I also attempted to make a no-roll pie crust, and froze that as well.  I'm hoping for homemade pie crusts for my Thanksgiving pies this year, and meant to start two months ago, trying to settle on a recipe I like - and then things (my body, other people's bodies, the world at large) kept going wrong, so here I am just starting.  I am not a huge fan of the crust part of pie, for some reason, and pie dough rolling is nearly impossible for me, strength-wise, so it's hard to make my own.  I usually resort to the store bought, but I know it's not the best ever.  (And I like to make best ever pies, so it's a conundrum.)  I found a recipe on the internet for no-roll crust, and I'm going to see how that turns out.  It was wicked easy to make, but the recipe doesn't say anything about freezing it, long term, so I'm sure there will have to be a practice run on the pies before Thanksgiving rolls around.  (And I am not even thinking about the fact that that only gives me two weeks.  IGNORE.) 

Still, although I am currently sore as all hell, I love baking, and wish it was something I could do more often.  It takes a lot out of me, partly because we don't have a table at the right height for me to cook on, so I have to hop up and down from the counter in order to see into the mixer and make sure I'm doing things right.  (Oh, standing: why are you so difficult?)  And the hopping is exhausting, but I haven't figured out a better way yet.  (Recently, they put a long table in the kitchen for me to try, but someone must not have liked it there because before I even got a chance to try it, it was quickly moved back into the dining room.  That's ok, because I think it is still too high, but I kind of wish I could've tried it first.)  But hopping and soreness aside, I do have a bunch of mini-chocolate chip or butterscotch cookies to nibble on for my snack tonight, and that certainly tips the scales in favor of baking, however I accomplish it.

Pro tip: I realize that some of you probably already know about this, but it is my favorite cookie-related tip in the universe, so I'm passing it along anyways.  When you're storing your cookies, like in a tupperware container or something (we use old takeout containers: reusing for the win!), put a piece of bread in there with the cookies, to keep them soft and moist.  For whatever reason (and I know I am a geek, but I am not a science geek, so I can't explain it), the bread will get hard and stale, but the cookies will not.  Change the piece of bread every couple of days - if your cookies last that long - and the cookies will stay nice and fresh longer, which comes in handy if you are mailing baked goods as well.  (And the bread you can use for homemade croutons, if that appeals to you, but I don't like croutons, so I just toss it.) 

Time for that snack I was talking about... Thanks for all the well wishes for my mom; they are much appreciated.