Friday, November 05, 2010

"Parenthood is pain and sacrifice and...

the extinction of free time and the postponing of dreams and the scrabbling in the folds of the couch for spare change and sanity, peppered with flashes of pure joy."*

Day 05 : Something you hope to do in your life

This one is easy. Besides "get better" (however better might be defined, but preferably the words "miraculously" and "completely" should be involved), my major hope has always been to be a mom.

Seems like it shouldn't be the most outrageous hope in the world, but it is the one I'm most afraid might never come true. It's even less frightening to think I might never get better, because, at the very least, I've figured out how to get by being sick. I've never really figured out how to get over not yet being a mother.

I don't talk about it a lot here, because it's so hard to talk about, and because it's one of those topics I'm not capable of expounding on with any sense of clarity at all. It's all emotion, and it sits, like a huge lump in my throat. I'm afraid to utter even a peep about it, lest the entire lot come tumbling out in a torrent of tears and ramblings and little hiccups.

So I'll just say that that is something I hope to do in my life, and, should that hope prove impossible, I don't really know how I'll cope. (I will cope; I am just not really sure how I'll manage it.)

So negative: gah! Was I supposed to say "mountain climbing" or something? Because mountain climbing sounds like torture, and I don't know why anybody would want to do that.

Unless it's your hope, and then: more power to you!

*Kate, Sweet/Salty 9-10

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


Sue Jackson said...

It's a wonderful hope, and I can tell by the way you feel about your niece and nephews that you would be a fabulous mom!

You're still young - hang onto that hope. The way the research is moving now, I think we'll all have a chance for our hopes to come true within the next decade.


P.S. The quote about parenting is true! If I have one wish, I always wish first that my boys get healthy. I can live with it (if I have to), but I can't live with them being sick forever.

flutter said...

This is just beautiful

Crazed Nitwit said...

I saw this one coming. I can only understand a wee bit about your desire/fear. Because even though I am a mother, just accepting the fact that having anymore children could result in a 25% chance of that child's inevitable disease and death almost broke me.

It would cause me great joy to see you become a mother. Impossible to contain joy.

Love you.

Lora said...

I love the way you are tackling these "days", brave lady.

I hope all your wishes come true.