People I've been seeing everywhere, random TV edition

Tonight on Cold Case, and popping up as the pilot on Lost (again!), Jeff Fahey

I'd never seen him before he drawled his way through scenes in True Blood, but since then, he's been on ER, tonight's Cold Case, and an episode of Life a few weeks ago, Michael Raymond-James.

Nathan Corddry, who used to be on both the late and lamented Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip & the Thank-god-it's-still-on Daily Show is on The United States of Tara (which I don't really watch, but I've Tivo-ed through a bit), as is Andrew Lawrence, from one of my little sisters' 90's favorites, Brotherly Love.

My mom's a big All My Children fan from the early days (like: day 1), and we all grew up watching along with her, at one point or another. So when I see random AMC alums, it kind of makes me happy. A recent episode of Life had former Brian Bodine (boyfriend to former Haley Vaughan - as played by Kelly Ripa).

How about you guys? Recognizing anyone?

Dwight Schrute's Thoughts on Health Care

Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.




Dwight Schrute: (After he didn't tip the sub man) Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

5 worst

It's Phone it In Friday over at the Collective, and so I'm offering this list of 5 worst:

5 worst things your almost 3-year-old niece could be doing while you think she's napping (*as experienced by me in the past few months)

5) Climbing out of the playpen/off of the bed to creep over to the french door, where she will stand and stare at you unblinkingly

4) Playing with (thanks be to god, empty & still closed) prescription medication bottles

3) Eating your chapstick

2) Coloring in her belly button, hands, arms & legs (and your pillowcase. And your sheets) with a fountain pen & then falling asleep on top of the fountain pen so that it leaks all over whatever area was miraculously uncolored

and the number one thing my your niece could be doing while you think she is innocently napping?

1) Pooping. Then playing with the poop. Then wiping it on your face.


(Today was #2. I alternately wanted to laugh, fume, and take photographs. I did none of those things ... at least in her presence.)

This is the somee-card I sent to SisterK last week, she got a chuckle out of it, thought you might too.

Sacriligious, right? Yeah, but still. Can't you just see it? Or facebook
Christ is ... unable to update as he's spending some time in the desert.
Christ is ... washing my peeps' feets and then chowing down.
Christ is ... not too pleased with Judas.
Christ is ... taking some wood up the hill.
Christ is ...
Christ is ... Back, y'all!

:D

I can't decide

between number 17 and number 3... what do you think?

Oh my lord.

Words of Wisdom

I spend way too much time thinking about the past. I remember the me that used to be, the me that told people everything, that had a wide circle of friends I could call, in tears, whenever I needed to, and I wonder when I closed myself off, I wonder if this is just part of growing up, growing old, or if there’s really something wrong with me now and I wonder what I’d have to do to let other people in again.

From Princess Nebraska

One of the greatest challenges of living with a chronic illness is the sense of isolation it can bring. It can be devastating to suddenly (or not so suddenly, depending on the situation)find yourself in a place where nobody else seems to understand, where you have nothing in common with those around you, where you are left facing an illness - and all of its many challenges - on your own. I was 15 when my illness changed my life forever, and almost immediately, I began to feel disconnected from my friends and peers - but by experience rather than time or distance.

In high school I was different because I didn't date or go to parties. I never drank or smoked pot (big deals at my high school, anyways), I couldn't drive, & I didn't skip classes because I knew I'd need the sick days for actual sickness. I missed the prime gossip hours - lunch, study hall, walking home from school - because I only showed up to go to classes, and then went home and crashed, or I was homeschooled (when things were really bad). I had to stop dancing, and those 'friends' disappeared from my life immediately - I can remember showing up to the next year's recital - the recitals I had previously felt like I owned, the recital where I was supposed to finally have earned the right to a solo - and feeling like an intruder, feeling worthless & forgotten. I had no enemies, and managed to maintain one or two close friends, but we still had spaces between us - inside jokes I didn't understand anymore, trips I couldn't take, heartbreaks I couldn't nurse them through with cookie dough and sleepovers.

During college, things were much better - living on campus brought me independence, brought me a community of girls who bonded with me over papers and boredom, the frenzy of finals and the loathing of lesson plans. I loved them, and they loved me, and they somehow - amazingly, to me, it seemed - managed to understand who I was and that I wasn't just this weird combination of illnesses. But there were still things that branded me as an outsider - I went home on the weekends because the sensory overload in the dorms was too much for me. I didn't have boyfriends who broke my heart or hangovers that lasted two days. My wheelchair accessible dorm was fine, but the student center, the theater were the plays were held, the alumni center were committees were formed were all off limits to me. When my friends would plan their birthday parties, they'd always include a stop by my room: we'd take pictures, I'd give them my gift, they'd preen, I'd send them off for a night on the town. These pictures are bittersweet to me now - having friends who cared enough to come by at all is sometimes overshadowed by the fact that they were on their way to a night full of fun and I was on my way to bed. (4 years of college and maybe 17 pictures, all following the same pattern - the group of us sitting on my bed in my dorm room, them dressed to the nines and me in my pjs.)

After we graduated, the gap began to widen again: my friends started getting married almost immediately, a few of them had kids right away, and they all had jobs. They all got jobs and husbands, eventually homes and kids. I wound up with doctor's appointments, random rare diseases, a datebook filled with medical tests; fabulous kids that I play auntie to, but who go home at the end of the day, and the same twin bed I've had since I was 16.

(I know that there's more to my life than that last sentence, I'm just trying to make a point about the gap I've been feeling lately.)


"What are you doing now?" "Where do you work?" "Are you seeing anyone?" These are all routine questions, to which I have very un-routine answers (at least for my age group). Most almost 30 year-olds work. Most almost 30 year-olds date or are in serious relationships. A lot of them have kids, mortgages, cars to buy, bills to pay. I do have a lot: this isn't about that. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, a lot of happiness inducing, valuable people in my life, a lot of interesting & intriguing ways I spend my time... this post isn't about me feeling sorry for myself (or, at least it's not meant to be), it's about how hard it is to be connected, to stay connected to people you care about when you have so little in common.

It's about how strange it feels to have no 'real' answer to everyday questions - when you're friended on Facebook by an old acquaintance who asks how you are and what you're doing now.... why it's so difficult not to just skirt the truth, to not want to just make up some better, more acceptable answer. It may be a necessity that I'm not working, it may even be a blessing that I am able to devote so much of my life to being with the people I love, but that doesn't make it easier to say that I don't have a job because I'm too ill to work right now.

It's about how left behind you begin to feel when all of your friends are doing adult things - hell, when you're little sisters are doing adult things - and you still feel like you're living the same life you were living 12 years ago. I did go to college - it was a challenge I am so proud of myself for conquering - but I got so sick afterwards that I couldn't put it to use, and now, 8 years later, I'm still here, still stuck. So it's hard to be the one to pick up the phone and call one of the girls from college and say "Hey, come and visit me: let me just let my parents know first."

The Internet - particularly the blogosphere - has been really helpful for me with all of this, helping me to find new peers, to connect to other people like me. Peer groups need not be just by age, after all - having friends of all ages who can understand your experiences can be vital too: I've bonded with readers, with photographers, with aunties, with other young adults with chronic illness. Having people who have faced some of the same challenges in connecting with the 'real' world, who feel the same sort of disconnect has been really important for me and has, at times, kept me from becoming completely isolated from non-family people. It's one of the things I like best about the blogosphere - there seems to be no end of blogs written by outsiders, by the non-cool kids, by the uncliqued masses (Sure, there's some clique-y-ness every now and then, but by and large.) I have made real, true friends online, and I never expected the blessing of that.

It's just that lately, I've been feeling this disconnect between me and my IRL friends pretty keenly: there's been a rash of pregnancies - and second pregnancies when I've never met the first baby in person; my oldest friend (I'm talking 2nd grade here people) is getting married in October and I've yet to meet her fiance, even though they've been dating for 3 years; I'm finding out secondhand & after the fact that there are parties, shindigs,& get togethers that I would usually be invited to (and have to decline) that I never knew about (and I honestly don't know which is worse: the having to decline or the not getting the opportunity to)... It just feels like I haven't put enough effort into these relationships, and they are crumbling around me.

Think about your own life - think about the best friend you lost touch with after high school ended, the acquaintance you used to send a Christmas card to until you just forgot one year, the woman from your kid's little league games that you talked to 3 days a week and now never see - and about how easy it is to lose those ties. Now think about how much easier it would be to lose the connection if one of your friends hardly ever left her house - how quickly you might get sick of inviting her places if she always says no, how awkward you might start to feel about letting her know the good things that were going on in your life if you think she's got very few positive things in hers, how rapidly life runs away with you so that you never have a moment to sit down and put the fact that you're thinking about her into action.

I've been really good at keeping up virtually - I always send birthday cards (almost always on time); I comment on their kids' pictures & send presents signed 'honorary auntie NTE'; I pledge money when they run marathons and donate to the 'in lieu of flower' organization of their family's choice if someone they love passes away. But I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually been in the same room with most of them (excepting Best Friend/College Roommate) in the past 8 years.

So I've been thinking about how to do better at this, and I think the key is not to wait. Not to wait until I feel 'better' enough, not to wait until I feel like I've got more interesting things going on. I'm so horrible at this (we've talked about how I hate the phone. And how I am actually shy in real life and get embarrassed really easily and on and on and on) but I'm going to try not to let myself make excuses. I'm going to write an e-mail this week to at least one friend and see if she can't carve out some time for me. And then I'll carve out some time for her.

Because I do need those people in my life that I can call when I'm sad and need cheering up, that I would answer the phone for even in the middle of an un-Tivoed, brand new episode of The Office, that I get to see the engagement rings of and rub the pregnant bellies of. Because I think I am a good friend, and that's not something I'm willing to put on hold any longer.

Another Best Shot, with - surprise! - books

And Lil Girl!

And I can tell that you are all shocked.
 

No, really: I've been trying to broaden my horizon, and look for more things in my everyday life to take pictures of, and so far have gotten quite a few shots of the clocks in doctor's offices and waiting rooms, but they aren't very good (bad light + still trying to figure out manual mode = not the best pictures), so they're not post-worthy yet.

As opposed to this shot of Lil Girl, which I love.

I took this last week while she read me her version of Cinderella: We were baking cookies (of the slice and bake variety) and waiting for another auntie to visit, and Lil Girl wanted me to read to her. I kept having to get up every 3 minutes to check on the cookies (because we still have a suck-tastic oven: New house; new stove!), and she was getting perturbed. So I asked her to read one to me, instead. I also got a little bit of video, where she explains that "Cinderella was a be-a-u-tiful baby! and there were witches, but they's her sisters." Since Lil Girl is sister-less, I think I'm going to have to help her realize that sister does not necessarily = witch, but that's for another day.

On this day, we baked cookies, and read each other stories, and snuggled on the couch.

And if that's not beautiful, I don't know what is.

Oh, wait: I do... Check out some examples over at Tracey's, and enjoy your Best Shot Monday, all!

Ah, tension....

*Reminder - You may want to skip this one, sister-friend, as I am purposefully vague, and I don't want you to think you're who I'm talking about.*


A family argument last night - of the silent but deadly sort.

One person thinks the other is joking, the first person doesn't hear the humor in her voice and feels hurt and things roll downhill, picking up speed and leaving crushed feelings in their wake. I was not involved, but I know what it feels like... to be one of the people swept away in the misunderstanding, to be one of the walking wounded when it's over.

-------------------------------------

Some years ago, SisterJ and I were fighting over something - I honestly can't remember what - just that it had started out innocently enough, and before long we were both taking aim at each other the way that only sisters can: with pinpoint accuracy based on years and years of observing each others' weak spots. It was days before we even attempted to speak to each other again, and that just set off another round of accusations, name calling, frustrations and tears. A round of e-mail explanations followed - each of us presenting her side, illustrating her hurts, stating our case for the apology we expected. And I suppose it could have gone on like that for another few weeks (it certainly wasn't out of the question), but the most amazing thing happened.

Somewhere along the line, as she was sitting down to type out what was most likely yet another rant, SisterJ was able to take a step back and say "This is not what I want. I can fix this." And instead of keeping the hatred going, she wrote me a few simple sentences:

"You know what: Fuck it. It's not worth it to me. I'm sorry and I love you."

I was amazed then, and am still amazed today... I don't think I could've done it. I remember how hurt I had been by what she'd said to me, by the way I thought she overreacted, and how sure I was that I was right. I just was so stuck in being hurt, that I don't think I'd have been able to just put it to the side like that. But she did, and because she did I was able to write back: "Me too. It's done. I love you too. I'm sorry."

And that was it. My anger evaporated; I had a new understanding of my sister as a reasonably mature individual (and trust me when I say that there were many years that such an outcome seemed highly unlikely), and when we talked about what had gone wrong - as we eventually did - we did it without the heat, without the pain, and with the attitude that 'hey, for next time? Please try not to... XYZ, because that hurt my feelings."

I still think it was one of the best things I've ever seen anybody do.
And certainly, it was one of the best things I've ever read: I printed out that e-mail, have a much valued copy.

-------------------------------------------------------------

But tonight's argument was like quicksilver - an ordinary conversation burst into flames - hot and smoldering. As my brother-in-law and I attempted vainly to smother the flames, to divert them, to ignore them in the hopes they'd die a quick death, they only grew higher: I knew it had gone from bad to emergent in just the course of - maybe - 45 seconds. Flash fire, instead of flash flood: One careless word, one stubborn-ass response, a pattern as old as any of us.

It hurt to see the pain in her eyes as she packed up her stuff - she'd been so excited to show us her wares not more than 10 minutes before, and now she rushed to get into her coat, left before the pasta she picked was even out of the pot.

And then there's explanations to He who wasn't in the room, and the discussion that must follow.

It's not wrong to hide in my room, from the disappointment, the sadness, the uselessness of it all, is it?

I know eventually, they'll figure it out, but it was just so stupid. It was one of those nothing-things that turns out to be a something. And I'm so sick of somethings: We've got real problems, we've got to put our energy where it should be instead of wasting it on this crap. I shouldn't have to sit here with this ball of tension in my stomach, waiting for whatever comes next. When I think of all the drama we've got in our lives, and how much of it winds up being pointless, it makes me so mad: I haven't got the energy, the resources, or the patience for useless drama anymore.

It makes me think I should've tried harder to avoid the blowup, but it isn't my fault that two English speaking adults couldn't communicate without a translator: I don't know that it was anybody's fault, really... because I've been there: Sometimes even a grown up winds up acting petty, being hurt unrealistically, being overly sensitive. Sometimes we don't act our age. It sucks, and it would've been nice if I could've managed to avoid the big misunderstanding, because there was no reason it had to end up like it did, but it's not my responsibility.

Now I just have to wait for it all to clear up, and I am not good at the waiting, at the butting out and letting people figure out how to come back together on their own. But I'm working on it.

Anonymous? Not quite

Writing this blog, I try to get my feelings down, my thoughts out; Try to write my perspective on things that happen in my life, in our lives, in the world. And as I do so, I try to always remember that I'm writing about real people, and that they all have real feelings too. I try to take that into account with whatever I am writing, but sometimes, I know, I am pissed off, or hurt, or flabbergasted at the stupidity that seems to be running through my bloodline. It happens. I wouldn't want the people I write about in those kind of posts to wander onto my blog, because they'd be hurt, maybe, by some of my perceptions of them, and that's not the goal here. If I'm letting off steam, I figure, it's a good thing, because then I don't get into trouble by telling my brother he's being an ass, or wishing one of my sisters would just wise the hell up.

Well, one of my sisters has wised the hell up, and found my blog.


She actually found it quite a while back, and the first time she left me a comment I nearly threw up. I mean, I was trying to remember anything I'd ever written about her here, hoping I hadn't been to harsh in any of my posts about her, or our family, or spilled any secrets that I didn't want broadcasted. (To people who I might have to face over the dinner table, basically.) But I'm pretty good about that anyways, and the sister who found me out is - luckily - a sister who's capable of keeping a secret, a sister who I don't fear would use what she reads here against me....

Not that I'm all giving away ammunition and stuff, but still: some people in my family, if - god forbid - they should ever track me down here, I would never feel safe saying anything, I would always have to watch my words. And that's not what this place is for, so screw that. The only censoring I want to be doing is common sense censoring - you know, in case I get the urge to publish my social security number or something.

But she did tell me that anytime I wanted her to skip a post, I should just let her know: Personally, I think if someone told me "Don't read this!!" I would then feel compelled to READ IT IMMEDIATELY, but we shall see. We need some sort of bat signal or something that I can give you a visual clue that this post is not for you. Maybe I'll make a badge or something...

ANYways...

You know who you are, so this is just your fair warning that the next post contains information/discussion you might not want to read - You can if you want to, I just don't want you to be upset again. (I'm sure you can guess what it is about) That's all. But I've been writing the post all night in my head, and if I don't put it in, well, we all know how well that works.

So: Insert warning badge I haven't made yet, along with new banner that I also haven't made yet that basically says read next post at own risk.

Oh, and also: you can introduce yourself, if you'd like... If not, no biggie.

Hey everybody, say hey to one of my sisters, will ya?
;)

Meme - 1 in 5, just about.

I HAVE…

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty (No, but my brother tried to roll me off of Liberty Island)
18. Grown my own vegetables/fruit My Nana taught me how to grow strawberries, a long time ago
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run I'm going to take this one, as I've been hit by a home run more than once
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (no, but I was on local TV twice when I was in elementary school)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant
101. Read an entire book in one day (Oh, I've read 5 books in one day: maybe more)

Looking on the 'pro' side of moving, again.

Way back when, I wrote a post about how much I hate the PUS (Yes, I know, there's certainly more than one post about that here, but this is a specific one) that talked about a playlist of songs about hate. That I then created on my computer. And have since updated every time a song came out that really reminded me of just how much I hate them. And so, I now have quite the extensive playlist.

Over the past few weeks, the PUS have been moving their things out, and oh, is it a bittersweet sound to hear - the sound I should have been hearing all those years ago, the sound that should have happened when my Nana was still here, when it should've just been them leaving, and us staying. It is hard to hear that sound, knowing that we'll be the ones creating it in just a few weeks.

But I found out the other day that they are planning on moving into their new place this weekend, which means that we will have at least 3 PUS free weeks in the house! It's very exciting. And also my last chance to blast the "I hate you PUS" songs, which I have been playing all morning.

Here are a few of the lyrics that caught my ear -

"I know it's just no use, when all your lies become your truth."
from Are You Happy Now?, Michelle Branch.

"... and so my heart is paying now, for things it didn't do..." Cold, Cold Heart , Norah Jones

"Get out. Right now. It's the end of you and me." Leave , JoJo

"It's been a long time coming, but I know... a change is gonna come"A Change is gonna come, Patti La Belle.

"You can crawl back home, say you were wrong, stand out in the yard and cry all night long. Go ahead and water the lawn, my give a damn's busted." My Give a Damn is Busted, Jo Dee Messina

"We'll look any many straight in his eyes and say Kiss my Irish Ass" Kiss My Irish Ass, Flogging Molly.

"Move it move it, outta my life." Move, Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls


"I won't lie I sometimes cry when I think of how it used to be.... but wait one minute, I failed to mention, those tears I cry are tears of joy."How Am I Doing?, Dierks Bentley

"Prepare for the chance of a lifetime, be prepared for sensational news...A shining new era, is tiptoing nearer." Be Prepared, Jeremy Irons/Scar, from The Lion King.

"What are you a f@)%&* wizard?"

Did you all catch the Daily Show last night? (If not, why not? People: watch The Daily Show. Always.)

Jon's take on Obama's speech, nearly had me in tears....

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Optimist Prime

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

"Have you met America?"

Although, because of my utter hatred for mayonnaise, I was having a hard time deciding whether I should laugh or gag.

Points of interest (ish)

For Lent, I am giving up not posting every day: It's my own personal NaBloPoMo! Basically, bad things happen in my brain when I don't have a place to blurt it all out, and since you all are kind enough to come back and listen, I should do my best to post as regularly as possible. And we all know that I do better if I feel I have to post, so I'm signing up for posting everyday till Easter Sunday, and committing to it right here on this nice bloggy thing. If When I make it, I will let myself get a little treat. Must think of good treat. Feel free to offer your suggestions below.

For my first post, I'm going to attempt the dazzling and death-defying bullet point post (oh! ah!):

• My parents may have found a house that they like enough to buy. They're going to the bank today to talk about putting down an offer so that they can get an inspection done. The only opinion I have about it is that it has a lot of stairs outside so that I cannot get in, and this does not please me. This whole house buying situation is showing me just how deep my control freak nature is - I am very uncomfortable buying a house I haven't been in, knowing I will have to live there for the foreseeable future. It's scary.
  
• Come to think of it, the house buying/having to move is bringing up a lot of issues that I'm not entirely comfortable with - the fact that I can't just go buy myself an apartment and have to keep living with my parents; the fact that my parents are not good with money and I just want to take it away from them (perhaps an allowance?); the idea that we've sold our 'family home' - it's been in our family for over 100 years, although it was originally a family run business. My great-grandparents moved here when Nana was just an infant, so from 1923 - 2009 my family has lived here. That's a lot of history to just be giving up on. And sometimes it does feel like we're giving it up. (I know we're not, it's just the closer it gets, the more I realize that this is forever.); the fear that my brother is trying to figure out a way to move with us into this new house (he didn't come out and say it, but he sure was asking a lot of questions about the house's finished basement, and the fact that it has it's own bathroom seemed important to him) because things are not going well with Soon-to-be (?) Sister-In-Law. A lot of things.
  
• We took my grandmother to lunch last week and she met three people she knew in the restaurant. I met 0. I was so happy for her, because she never goes out, really, and was so excited, but there was still a little piece of me that was jealous. Of my 92 year old Grandmother. Nice.
  
• I still haven't packed much of anything: A couple of boxes, but there's nowhere to put anything else, so why bother?


• Lil Girl is potty training and doing really well - no accidents at all yesterday. She came wearing big girl 'underwheres' (she says it like it's got that little h in it), and seeing them made me kinda sad, cuz she's the baby.
  
• This does not mean that we want another baby to take care of, so the universe should not see it as me putting out a call to any of my siblings. We are - none of us - in a position to have any (more) kids right now. I'd like to be, but that's a whole nother post.


• A little update from Friday's post about my TBR challenge - I suck at reading things I'm 'supposed' to be reading. If a new PBS book comes in the mail, I put it at the top of the pile - although I have cut down a lot on PBS incoming books, because I am trying to get rid of books, I still will say yes to a wish list book if it becomes available. And then when it gets here, because I know it's been on my list for so long, I read it first. I am totally counting this because it's been in my virtual TBR for longer than some of these books have been in my physical TBR. Counting it.
  
• I learned two new things while typing this post - how to do bullet points and strikethroughs on HTML. This makes me ridiculously happy.


That's all I've got for you right now... Check back in soon, because it's going to be a long Lent. :)

So I signed up for a TBR challenge, because I am looking at the amount of books I have to pack - 3 keeper bookcases, overfilled: 2 little plastic 3-drawer chests, also overfilled, of books I've listed on PaperbackSwap and am waiting to swap; all of my children's books (which are in 5 different Rubbermaid containers, three bookshelves in the parlor, and two bookshelves in the side of my desk); and my TBR 'pile', which, at present consists of 2 stacks under my bed (each 9 books high), 3 bins and the books tucked between my mattress and the bed frame (I'm counting 6 on this side) - and I am thinking that there will be no room in the new house for anything besides my books. (Not that we have a new house yet, HA! Am ignoring this fact as much as possible. Moving on!)

When I say that my keeper shelves are overfilled, I mean literally: I do not understand how people are able to 'display' things on book shelves... there is only room for books, and even then, there is still not nearly enough room for all the books. Oh, I've shown you the pretty book case, all organized by color and beautiful, but what I did not show you is the two other bookcases - also well organized (by genre, time period, &/or category), but also overflowing and extra-burdensome. (Also, the drawback of the by-color bookcase is that when you get a new book that should go on there somewhere, you have to shift the whole damn thing and try to make them fit... it's a little aggravating, but still totally worth it if only for the fact that people who Live In Your House and come in your room rather often, are only just noticing - after two years - the fact that it is color coded, thereby proving that they are totally oblivious, as has been previously suggested.)

So, the goal of joining the TBR challenge, for me, was to help me clear up a little bit of my TBR pile, and to commit to it publicly. But here's the thing: my to be read piles are varied and I am a finicky reader: I have to be in the mood to read a particular thing.

Right now in my non-fiction TBR I have a book on helping kids cope with divorce, another 3 or 4 about chronic illness, at least one about style (because I haven't got any), a book on photography, a memoir or two, and a book about food that I started reading in November and it scared me so much that I put it back in the pile, instead of having to starve to death because I could never eat anything again, ever. My fiction pile consists of a bunch of romance novels; a bunch of classics I keep meaning to read; a bunch of contemporary 'literature' that people told me was good or I read an intriguing review of; a few YA novels, a tiny bit of Sci-Fi, a comic book, and holy crap, let's not even start talking about the kids books.

And yet, with all that variety, the likelihood that I will still say "I don't have anything to read" is fairly high. (I will usually say this only to myself, of course, because members of my family are apt to react badly to this assertion, for reasons incomprehensible to me.)

So I've committed to the TBR challenge - for me, it's a 3:1 ratio: 3 from the TBR pile for every re-read or new buy - because I think I am judging my books to harshly - if they don't immediately 'call' to me, then I move on, usually to a reread from the keeper shelves, and the piles don't get any smaller.

Part of this is realistic - since I am no longer in school, I refuse to 'force' myself to read anything: if I am not in the mood for a book about killer food, then I will not read it, even if I know I should. (And will, eventually.) For optimum entertainment value, a book should suit your mood - it should be a good fit. I'm not going to throw that out the window, challenge or no. A second element to the mountainous TBR piles is that I continue to buy new books, which, also is unlikely to change. (Cannot not buy books: is physically impossible.)o

But another part of why my TBR pile never shrinks is a strange combination of laziness and fear - I fall back on the books I know will be good (because I've already read them) instead of attempting something new, taking the risk that this new book will have poorly plotted scenes or lacks witty dialogue. As long as those books stay in the TBR, they have promise, and too often that promise falls through once I start to actually read.

But I've decided that I don't like that aspect of myself - the playing it safe all the time part of me - all that much, and am trying to make changes when I see the opportunity to do so. Yes, this is a small thing, a trivial change, and no real hardship - if a book sucks, after all, I am not required to finish it: I just post it and move on. If it doesn't, and is instead wonderful, I have given myself a treat. Either way, the book is out of my TBR, and so: mission accomplished - but it feels good and necessary and like I'm doing something positive that, if I get the hang of it, might just carry over into other aspects of my life.

"Basically," you are saying to yourself now, "this entire post was her way of saying anything in her life can somehow be connected to books?" And you would be right, I expect. But at least I know I'm not alone.

What's with all this growing up stuff?

Youngest Nephew is here for a sleepover today, and let me just say this:

How did he get to be almost 9 years old?

Not only did he tell me he had to go "take a leak," which I don't think I've ever really heard another person say in real life (as opposed to TV), later on he told me that something happened in a movie we were watching because "that girl is hot!"

Huh?

Am not prepared for this, at all... all this growing up stuff.

Brotherly love

I've been falling way behind with my pictures, mostly because I'm kind of an editing perfectionist and wind up running some of my favorites through 14,000 steps before I declare it finished, and so I've got months worth of pictures to finish editing, upload to some place and order. (Also, with the packing et al, I keep thinking "Don't order anything new, because then you're going to have to find a place to put it if you don't finish it." Ah, the joys of not being settled.)

So, I wound up with more than a couple of contenders for this week's My Best Shot Monday, which has a new home, because the fabulous Tracey has a new blog.

I did finally settle on this one, though, of Big/Only Brother and his Lil Girl:



Happy President's Day, everybody, and if your kids are on vacation this week, may it be as peaceful a vacation as possible. :D

Oh, boy, I don't know

I'm trying to figure out the right thing to do in a couple of different circumstances, and have come down with a bad case of the "well... maybes".

I do not like the "well ... maybes": being indecisive sucks. I hate it when other people can't make up their minds and commit to a freaking plan already, and I hate it even more when I'm the one holding up the works. Usually, like in these situations now, the hold up is a health issue... I just don't know whether or not I will be able to - or should - participate.

Scenario #1 is relatively nothing - tomorrow a bunch of my family members are going to check out the possible house, to make sure that there's nothing readily and obviously wrong with it that will take big bucks (bucks we don't have) to fix it. I'm supposed to go, but I'm on the fence: Do I put my energy here, when it's all still so hypothetical? My parents visited last weekend, and now they're calling for submissions, basically: "Help us make sure this place is OK." Which, ordinarily - fine: bring whomever you want, sounds great.... the more eyes the better. And I'd like my eyes to be involved... it's just that there are two steps up to get in (which, obviously, we'd address if we bought it), and then there's all the questions - odors, pets, etc. And to I absolutely need to go? And maybe I'm just being overly sensitive because of Scenario #2 ...

Scenario #2 is much more important. My cousin Kate is having a baby shower, at her parents house, in March. We got our invitations this week, and I asked her big brother about the accessibility of the house (since I've never been): he says there's steps, but that he talked to his dad and he's going to see about a ramp for the few steps in the front of the house. OK, that's not making me wicked comfortable, but it all may be moot because there's also a cat. A cat. Ordinarily? A cat automatically equals, 'I'm sorry, but I can't come," but the cat is a basement cat, and lives not where the people live, mostly. So now I'm stuck wondering - risk it or not?

I love my cousin, I'm wicked excited about her baby, and I hate to miss a family party, so those are all on the "Give it a try" side, but on the other hand, we've got the possibility of an unstable ramp (or having to be lifted, which NO Thank You), the fact that there's an animal in the vicinity, and the fact that the house is a good 50 minutes away, so there's no escape plan, really: If we get there and I can't stay in the house, I've got to either stay in the car while the party is happening (which, if you can believe it, would totally not be the first time that happened), or make somebody leave to take me home (if it gets really bad).

Pros, cons, and WTFs leave NTE pretty deep in the "well ... maybes".

The more I think about it, the more I both want to go and pretty much know that I shouldn't - between odors and my breathing (which has been pretty sucky since Christmas, as my tonsils are still as big as a baby's fist), and the pain of sitting in the car, sitting at the party, then sitting in the car again... It would all be a lot, just under normal circumstances. If I'm adding in potential pet hair and crickety stairs, then the scale tips pretty far over to the no-go side.

But then I think about being able to pat my cousin's (apparently large) tummy, the fact that her mother is kind of a source of scandal in the family (haven't seen her in... at least 10 years, and now she's HOSTING? C'mon, man.), and the fact that most of the people I love will be there (some coming from pretty far away), and it tilts the scale back a bit again.

Need versus should, I guess. Optimism vs realism, vs. pessimism. I hate to let people down, and I hate to be left out, but I can't really see a way to make Scenario #2 work in my favor.

Grr... I had kinda hoped that writing it all out like this would make other pros pop into my head, but I'm running out. Crap.

And then, of course, if I can't go, I've got to explain that I can't go, after my cousin has already talked to his dad about the ramp and all that, and that makes me feel bad too.

Blah.

Must switch brain to new topic or risk explosion.

.... I put a new widget on the sidebar, so you can see all the things I'm finding interesting in my Google Reader: also, it's reminding me that it's probably time to fix the template so that it's not quite so Christmassy.

And, in other news, I bought some scratch tickets and won hundred thousand dollars. Actually, I bought some scratch tickets and haven't scratched them off yet, but I was just trying out that positive thinking thing my CBT therapist has been talking to me about. :D Update: I have won $4... I don't think I'm quite getting the hang of this.

I have been posting videos from You Tube all week,

and none of them are here... Were they here and disappeared or did they never appear... must investigate.

And, of course, I can only remember one of them for re-posting purposes...

Well, here you have it: a song that's been stuck in my head all week, here to taunt you during the weekend.



I'll be back later today, I hope with more things, but I just saw that there were no new posts up and that was confusing to me. ... Any ideas?

Just in case you wanted my opinion

(and if you didn't I don't suppose you'd be reading my blog, now would you?)

So here are my thoughts on a few (very random) things that have been floating around the world, the blogosphere &/or my brain for the last little bit:

Topic #1 -

Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps smoked pot. While not training for, or competing in, the Olympics. Therefore who the hell cares? Personally? I think the illegalization of marijuana is ridiculous, for a lot of reasons (and not just because of it's potential uses for chronic pain), and I think that making a big deal out of the fact that this kid (because he is only 23, and think of what YOU and your friends might have been doing then) smoked a little pot is even more ridiculous. Nobody should care... it was a 'mistake' only because it was illegal, and breaking the law: that's stupid (breaking the law while there are cameras there? even stupider. Breaking the law while there are cameras there and you are FAMOUS? Totally idiotic.) But pot can do that to you? Ever been with someone who's stoned? They're not exactly big thinkers just then, now are they? (Although they certainly think they are.) Should he lose contracts because of it? I think not, but the companies are certainly allowed to decide who should represent them. It seems to me that they wanted some superhero, and instead found out that they had hired an actual human being, and they might decide that's not good enough for them. Their call. My call is that everybody should just leave the poor guy alone - he didn't hurt anybody but himself here: From now on, every race, every meet, every record will have this asterisk next to it - at least mentally - and that's too bad. Just walk away, people: nothing to see here.

Topic #2 -

Now that I've just written all that pro-pot stuff, it occurs to me that you might wonder "Is NTE a pothead?" I'd like to just state - for the record - that I've never tried marijuana - but it's only because it's a smoking type of drug, and my asthma and smoke are not friends. I'd totally eat the special brownies that my cousin has promised to send to me, but so far - no go. If I did try it and it helped with my pain? I'd be putting it in my morning tea, people. Brownies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Trust me. (Also, I have a lot of reasons behind the whole, "pot is not the devil drug that the government has made it out to be" line of thinking, but that would require resources, and I am not in the mood to go find them right now.. remind me to write my "legalize pot" post later on, will you?)

Topic #3 -

Valentine's Day. I. Am. So. Over. It.

There are times of the year where being single sucks more than normal. Valentine's Day is one of them. Mostly, it doesn't bother me, except that EVERYTHING is lovey-dovey, and it's making me feel very anti-love. I'd like to focus on the crafty side of it, like I usually do, but every time I take something out of the craft supplies, I have to think about how I'm going to sort it all out to pack it, and that gets distracting very quickly, and then I eventually run out of energy to do the actual craft. (It's a strange place, my head.) Mostly I'd just like to stop the commercials that try to convince me that everything from flowers to cars to jewelry would show someone how much I love them. It really wouldn't, but thanks for trying.

Topic #4 -

I have been reading an excellent book about disability, the experience of being a person with a disability, and how culture contributes to that experience. It's not a new book - from 96, actually - but I have just discovered it, and I have been Post-It flagging nearly every other page or so. It's wonderful: the author, Nancy Mairs, has MS, and she's able to say things so clearly, to explain the fears, the frustrations, the joys, the jokes of living this new kind of life, that I hardly want to write, because I'll never be able to say it better than she has. (This happens to me a lot: I think - "why even bother writing, because Joe or Molly has managed to say it better than I ever could?" It's a humbling and strange experience, because you're both grateful that somebody else is able to understand it and to communicate it, and sad because you can't figure out a way to communicate it too.) Anyways, here is a bit that I wanted to share with you today...

“In a society that prates about, but seldom practices, communication, the craving to be listened to, heard, understood – which originates with the first terrified wail, the circling arms, the breast, the consolatory murmur – is hard to assuage. And because a cripple, in order to earn a shot at social intercourse with “normals,” must never publicly lament her state, must preferably never even mention it, an other who treats disability as a safe topic of conversation offers immeasurable relief…” p7

Thanks, guys, for being my 'other'.

Oh Hai

Do you know what month it is?

If you said "February", as in the shortest month, as in the month before we have to move out of our house, then you are correct!

But you don't get any bonus points.

No, sorry I am hoarding the bonus points, as I have apparently hoarded Every.Single.Thing. in my entire life.

In case you couldn't tell, the packing? It is not going well.

And by "not going well" I mean, I haven't even started.
I have done a lot of what I like to call 'pre-packing' and what you might instead call 'not packing at ALL', but we'll just have to agree to disagree on that one.

'Pre-packing' mostly consists of looking at my room, crammed full of books and art supplies and teaching supplies and paper products and electronic equipment that predates my life, and wondering "How the hell am I going to pack all of this crap?" Other questions that get asked during the 'pre-packing' stage include: "Do I really need four sets of headphones, especially since I detest the ear bud type of headphone and will not wear them (the noise is in my ear! Who likes that?)?"; "How can I possibly get rid of this vital memorabilia from my life/my sibling's life/my parent's life/my niece &/or nephew's life? (And why have I made myself the receptacle for all of this stuff???) And yet how can I possibly store it all?"; "Would this be worth anything on e-bay or should I just Freecycle it? Maybe I should try Craigslist first?"; "What is the point of packing everything up if I'm just going to have to try to maneuver around the boxes AND the furniture for the next 6 weeks?" and Oh Yeah: "How the hell do I know what to pack, what to toss, what to store, if I don't know where the hell we are going??? (After all, you do tend to keep much less of your possessions at hand if you are living in your van.)"

The open houses are not proving fruitful, just yet, as sellers are wary of selling right this minute, and also, their houses are in really awful shape (and not applicable for wheelchair users, in most cases).

I am still strangely not panicked, as I assume I will be living out of a home for quite a while anyways (and have spent zero non-essential dollars since the beginning of the year in hopes of being able to supplement this nomadic type living): No matter where we move, it will need repairs, updating, painting , cleaning, etc. All of those things are smelly - even though we're definitely aiming for as smell/chemical free as possible - and not just short-term smelly... they smell for a while. So I am going into this assuming that I will be living on my grandmother's couch for some time - which you all know I both love and loathe - and that, at some point, the pain of the springy mattress and cushionless couch, and the need for a shower, will necessitate (at least) intermediate stays in a hotel.

(I no longer have alternative housing options with friends or family - all the condos are rented out and siblings are living with their respective in-laws, most of my friends are pet owners, all of my other family & friends insist on living in places with stairs... Plus? How awkward a conversation is that: "Hi! Can I come take a shower at your house please? And then I need to have a coma for at least 3 hours, so I need somewhere quiet to lay down. Thanks!" ...)

So the packing thing is extra tough - What will I need at hand in the next three months? In the next 6? How do I best pack things so that, if there's something else I haven't thought of, I can easily send somebody to find it? How much of my craft or healthcare entourage can I reasonably expect my grandmother & uncle to accommodate in their den? My computer's a must have, but what about the printer? I need the box full of patches, but can I live without the just in case cough medicines and sinus pills? I can't lug my three bookcases full of books, so how do I decide what I might feel like reading on a spring day when I feel like crap or during a late winter snow?

I am, as usual, conflicted: feeling both energized and drained by the thought of being somewhere new, feeling both a longing to stay and a wanting to go. It's scary, this change: it is for us all. I'm worried about so much - how this is all going to effect me physically, how it'll impact our relationships, our dynamics (if we wind up moving further north, will SisterNc & Big Brother decide, for example, that the drive is too much so we won't get Lil Girl during the week anymore?), how much more of the year we'll be rootless, and a million other things - and I know that each member of our family has different concerns and so it feels like we're in a snow globe, with each of those worries floating around us, constantly churning.

And we just won't know until we know.

So, I'm trying to just go with it, to not be constantly focusing on all of those worries, to just let them be there until we have some answers. It's tough, but it seems like one of the skills I've picked up along the way: living with the questions because there's no other choice. You keep working towards the answers, keep plugging along, but you don't let them bury you.

Still, it certainly doesn't make the packing go any easier.