Friday, September 08, 2006

Day 1 of a new drug

And I've taken all my doses.

Right now? Do I feel better? Do all my muscles and nerve endings feel anywhere near normal?

No. No, they feel like MINE. And Mine SUCK

So, instead of feeling better, like I'm supposed to be right now, I feel depressed. Fuckin Depressed.

Because you set yourself up everysingletime that this is going to be THE DRUG .

Because you read al the research, everysingletime.
You read about the side effects and the dosage you should be taking,and when you should call your doctor, and you hope.

You go to the messageboards, and you say "Has anybody tried LNOM? How did it go for you?" and everysingletime, you hear the reports: the "Oh, it helped-me-so-much-I-don't-know-how-I-lived-without-it!!!!!!!!"s, the "Oh-My-God-don't-take-that-it's-like-poison!!!"s, the "this-was-my MIRACLE"s.

And, everysingletime, you say to yourself "don't get your hopes up too high, let's just wait and see."

but you do - get your hopes up -


And, yes, it's only day one, and yes, you're supposed to wait till the stuff has enough time to kick in and flood your bloodstream with all it's pain-killing goodness. and yes, I know all this stuff.

But there's that part of you - everysingletime- that thinks as soon as you pop this pill, everything will change.

And, so far?

Every. Single. Time?

Not. So incredibly not.

So, it's not that I'm not giving up, it's that right now, after a day, I'm just sad. Sad and waiting. Waiting for all that goodness to start it's magic.

Any time now, wonder drug #217. Anytime.

1 comment:

Maya's Granny said...

Dear One, I so hope that you will find the drug that does work. That if it isn't this one, it will be the next. Mostly, I hope it will be this one. You are so incredibly brave and you so deserve relief.