Check back tomorrow for things that make sense

I dared to venture out of the house last night, and am definitely paying for it today. I am lucky enough to hear things like "You look like you are hungover" without ever getting to experience the being fun (?) of actually drinking. Headaches, dry heaves, body aches, noises that are too noisy, lights that are too bright ~ just my normal recuperation period, basically. It was nice to be out - seeing my sisters while wearing something other than my pajamas; getting bubbles blown at us by the famous (probably only in Cambridge) Bubble Lady; embarrassing SisterK by having the waiters attempt to sing Happy Birthday (wow, they did such a bad job) - but it sucks to have to pay for it. To realize that (most likely due to whatever bug I am still trying to fight off already) the hours out/suffering afterwards ratio is definitely not tipping in my favor. Oh well: what's done is done, and we almost wound up with a leprechaun's jacket, so it was worth it.

Oh, also: I am so glad that you all liked the MILAs ~ I could spend forever reading those! I know they basically show that I am a big geek, since more than half of the ones I save are related to Harry Potter or things like that, but if you spend any time here, you already know that anyways. :)

Average Lives

All of these amusing little anecdotes are recent postings from My Life Is Average (which I have been calling "My Life Is Awesome", simply because it seems much more apt). If you haven't been over there, you should check it out - these are just a few of my favorites lately, but there are about 50 new posts a day, and there's usually 2 or 3 that give me a little chuckle. Enjoy yourself flipping through them... but beware: Time Suck Major!


Today, my liitle sister was playing barbies in her room. When I walked by all I heard was "First, my ninja barbies, we are going to destroy Hannah Montana and her awful music, and then we will take over the world!" I don't know whether to be terrified or extremely proud. MLIA

Today, while in my mother's 2nd grade classroom, I was looking at the bulletin board. It read "Believe in Yourself" and each student had to write one goal they wanted to achieve down. While most kids wrote "i can run faster" or "i can reach my reading goal", one child put down "i can hug a penguin". MLIA

Today, my sister and I turned our yard into the Godric's Hollow cemetery. We made headstones for all the important characters that had died in the Harry Potter books and played music from the Harry Potter soundtracks. Tonight, when I opened my front door to greet some trick-or-treaters, a young Harry Potter was weeping by his parents' gravestone in my front yard. I gave him the rest of the candy. MLIA

Today I dressed up as Gandalf and went to work. I was late. When I walked in my boss said "you're late", to which I replied "a wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to." I didn't get in trouble. MLIA.

Today, I was in a large corn maze and began to be bored. To change this, I decided to yell "Marco!" at the top of my lungs. Off in the distance, I heard a single person yell "Polo!" back equally as loud. We continued for an hour and a half until I found her. We now have a date set up for tomorrow. MLIA.

Today, I was was at work (I teach kindergarten) when I noticed a little boy trying to steal a girl's barbie doll. I was about to go break up the argument when the girl yelled "Swiper no swiping!" the boy yelled "OH MAN" and walked off. Thank you Dora for teaching kids proper self defense.

Today, I was walking around school and I noticed a blue paw print taped to the wall. Intrigued, I removed it and looked around for the culprit. A student in a large blue dog costume peered around the corner, put a finger to his lips and promptly disappeared. I have never been more confused and excited in my life. MLIA

Today, it was our Year 12 Assembly, where everyone dresses up and we run the assembly ourselves for the rest of the school. One of my friends dressed up as the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland, and during the Principal's speech to us, he yelled out "CHANGE PLACES!!!" 1500 students got up and ran to a different seat, and the Principal continued with his speech and acted nothing happened. MLIA

Today, I realized that the Clapper does not only respond to clapping, it also responds to any exceptionally loud noise. It may be a bit noisy around here, now, but lights come on when I scream 'Lumos!' and that's all that matters. MLIA

Today, during SSR (silent sustained reading), I pulled out a book by Dr. Suess and began to read. Apparently the cute guy next to me was reading over my shoulder, because at the end of the book, he sighed and said to me, "I love happy endings." I'm in love. MLIA

Today, my friends and I were walking down the hall in a straight line across when one of my friends stopped and rearranged the order we were walking in. I didn't realize what he was doing until I noticed that our shirts were now in rainbow order. We're best friends for this reason. MLIA.



These are SO my people.

Well, today is Thursday (as opposed to Tuesday, when I just thought it was), but I don't get my four days off: we have Lil Girl tonight for a sleepover (her first in a very long time) because her other grandmother has to have day surgery tomorrow, and we're helping out. Of course, I'm also supposed to go out to dinner for SisterK's birthday, so we'll see how that goes. For tonight though, we've got a movie to watch, some mashed potatoes boiling, and Lil Girl is going to have her first bubble bath at the new house: sounds good to me.

(And then later, I'll have The Office to watch< so that's awesome too. )

Thank You

Last year on Veteran's Day, I posted a picture of my father , circa 1980 something, during one of his many tours of duty. He was in the United States Navy from 1978-1993 (? on the ending date), and it's one of my favorite pictures of him, even though I don't have any idea when/where he is in the picture. I was lucky enough to get the picture from three of his on-ship buddies when we met with them a few years back, & they couldn't remember where they might have been (although the consensus was that it was probably the Mediterranean). My father passed away 10 years ago, and our relationship was incredibly complex. But those men remembered him, and thought well enough of him to try to look him up 15-20 years after they had served together. They thought well enough of him to contact my brother, my sister and I and to arrange a meeting with us, after they found out he had died. They brought us pictures and stories and I will always appreciate them for doing it, because so many of my happy memories of my daddy have long been overshadowed by some of his more atrocious behavior during his last years on earth. Regardless of all that, though, I do know that he served his country well and that he worked diligently for many of his years in the service.

I have always been proud to be a sailor's daughter, even when I wasn't proud of the sailor himself. I have pictures of his burial at sea, a few pictures of him in his uniform, but instead I'm going to choose another picture that his friends gave us when we met them. Here he is in the tiny little quarters on ship, being a goof:



My family has a long history of service, actually: My Nana's father was in the Navy, and served during World War I aboard the USS Mt Vernon. Originally a seized German ship, the Mt Vernon was torpedoed by the Germans in September of 1918, while James (my great-grandfather) was serving. Although luckily uninjured, he was sent back to the US following the attack, and served at a Naval Hospital (which is, coincidentally, right around the corner from the new house) near Boston until he was discharged. Here is a photo of the ship's crew I found online - He's in there somewhere:



And here he is up close, in uniform:



My other maternal great-grandfather, (my grandfather's father) also served during what his discharge papers call "The World War" as a Wireman and a Private in the United States Army from 1917-1919. (Unfortunately I don't have any photos of him in his uniform, and actually only two or three pictures of him at all.) And his son, my mother's father, my Papa, served in the Army during WWII: All I know about his service is that he was a driver in a convoy going up the narrow mountain roads (in Northern Africa, maybe?) and the truck in front of him was hit, and drove right over the edge of the mountain. When he came back from the war, he never drove again. Here he is at the very end of the chow line (and not nearly as excited as some of his fellow troops):

On my father's side, three of his brothers served in various armed forces; all of my great-uncles and two of my great-aunts served during WWII (my Grandfather was the only child (of 7) who could not); Both of my Grandmother's brothers fought during the Battle of the Bulge - One of her brothers was a medic, and later told her that his biggest fear was that he would be running through the battlefield and be called to a soldier only to see it was his brother - thankfully that did not happen, and they both made it back safely; And the oldest American Veteran in my family (that I am aware of) was my great-great-Grandfather - my Grandmother's grandfather - who was killed in a flash flood after enlisting in the Union Army.

I'm lucky enough now that none of my uncles, aunts or cousins are serving any longer, but I can remember how scared I was during the first Gulf War, knowing that my father was over there serving. I can specifically remember flipping off the Nintendo one afternoon and CNN was on, and they were showing the live bombings, and I was frozen in fear, worrying that one of those fighting might have been my father, and that something horrible could happen to him. I cannot explain how much gratitude I have for those who are serving, and for their families. Today and always: Thank you.

It is Tuesday,

and all day long I've been thinking it's Thursday. Both are Lil Girl days, which can explain some of the confusion, but one comes later in the week, meaning that I have the possibility of four days off in a row. Today is not that day. Today is Tuesday, which means I have only tomorrow off, if I am lucky, and that does not seem like enough for me, right about now. Actually, right about now, I would like to take a 12 hour nap, but since it is not Tuesday circa 1998, that is so not going to happen. My fatigue lately (and, as always, I have to laugh at the utter uselessness of a word like "fatigue" to describe the exhaustion I am suffering from) is irrefutable, and I spend a lot of my time afraid that I might be sliding backwards into the hell of previous years. The times where I couldn't be around other people at all, because their presence - their noise, their smells, their movement - made me sicker. The times where I would spend weeks and months in bed, just unable to sit up at all, unable to roll over or drag myself to the bathroom. I know I am not there yet, but there are just more and more days when I can not accomplish anything - where turning on the computer takes up my allotted energy resource for the day, and then I have to wait 6 hours until I can write anything; where craving and caring and wishing for an extra ounce of oomph are the only things I manage to cross off my to do list; where trying to figure out what the hell Colbert is talking about is beyond me. Physical and mental 'fatigue' are just normal states for me, my new normal, and I hate it when any little thing gets worse, and I have to try to adjust every other damn thing. Laying around without stretching or moving at all makes the pain worse, but I don't have any stamina for moving or stretching. Not eating throws off my pill schedule, which can make the dizziness, or the pain, or the vertigo worse, but I need to have enough energy to make a food. To eat a food. To not throw up a food.

I feel ridiculous for even mentioning it right now, because it's only like a minuscule worsening of things: I still got a bunch of stuff accomplished this weekend, I watched Lil Girl today and made slice and bake cookies - I know it is not at horrible, scary levels yet. It's just that every little thing, every tiny slip backwards, reminds me that I am not in control of my body (not really, anyways), that even if I do every.single.thing. I know how to do to manage my diseases and prevent worsening, things can still happen. I can get viruses and my tonsils can swell up and prevent me from breathing. Thirteen consecutive nights without sleep can cause me to fall and bang my face on the corner of something hard, and my POTS gets worse. I can just do everything right, and still wind up sicker. And that is a bitter pill to swallow, no matter when I am swallowing it. (And then, I also realize that this is true for everybody, and I think I should get over myself. Bah. )

This is a picture of SisterK, from earlier this year, back when I was spending the summer at Grandmother's house. We were corrupting our nephew teaching Youngest Nephew to play poker using pretzel sticks and marshmallows. We had a ball that day, not only because Youngest Nephew rocks at poker and decimated SisterK's snack pile (see photo of the devastation below), but also because SisterK is usually phenomenally busy, and so having some family time was pretty amazing. (Just as an example of how busy she is, the day after I took this photo, she flew to San Fransisco for 4 days, then Colombia for 3 weeks. After that she taught at an extremely intense private summer school program, until the first weekend of September, when she went back for her Junior (!) year at Harvard. Like I said: very busy.) Today is SisterK's 21st birthday, and so MBSM is this shot of her, rocking the mini pretzel sticks, being her awesome self. (The completely decimated photo is just a little bonus, because it makes me laugh that a 9 year old, playing his first game of poker, can out-bluff my worldly baby sister.)


Have a great week, everybody!

Intimidation

That is the inside of my computer, which I never want to have to see again. The computer is currently running fine - cool, even, for the first time in forever. I am going to just keep my fingers crossed (not while typing) that we have cleared everything up, and it will all be fine and dandy. The End. No more NaBloPoMo posts about the state of my computer, thank you very much. I am sure you all agree.

Just to prove

that all sorts of electric equipment hates my guts, today, the carbon monoxide detector went off. Repeatedly, and ear-splittingly. (It is much louder than even the smoke detector: Who knew?) And then it told me we were all dying because the CO was at 900 ppm. A good number is less than 35. So we had to call the fire department, and they told us that it was just malfunctioning, because their meters had it at 0-2.

On the plus side, my dad and I dismantled my computer, and then put it back together. and now it's working, and I am pretending that it will continue to do so. There was a hunk of dust trapped between the fan and the vent, and of course, to get to it I had to take EVERY SINGLE SCREW out, and remove the keyboard and the entire back, and the motherboard. I am not brave, and doing these things made me want to cry, but I figured I couldn't be any worse off. And now, my lap is not catching on fire as I type, and the computer is staying on. These are good things.

Tomorrow, maybe we'll replace the stove - the one that came with the new house - because the electrical system in it doesn't work - banana bread at 350? Normally is supposed to take an hour. I baked for 3.5 hours the other day, and it was still raw-ish in the middle. It beeps, randomly, all night long. Of course, I am the only one on this floor, so it doesn't bother anybody but me. Awesome sauce.

Sorry guys: Another measly paragraph of a post today, since the computer has cut me down to 6 minutes at a go, and I spent most of the day trying to figure out how to get the fan out, only to find out that I have to go from the keyboard down, instead of the bottom up. Basically, they make it as ridiculously difficult as possible, so that you don't really have much of a choice but to take it to somebody to get it fixed. But - if at all possible - I am not going to spend $200 for the guy to tell me there's some dust or hair trapped in the fan. I'm going to have to ask for help, which is a complicated issue for me. It is something that I absolutely avoid as much as is humanly possible, because I feel like I ask for too much help that I don't have a choice in, health wise. It's like I can't ask for anything else, because I've used up my share of goodwill or that because I can't contribute as much as I would like to, I can't then turn around and ask for help. It's just one of my issues, and I'm going to have to suck it up here, because I definitely can't do it on my own. I didn't even think I'd get this up, but I asked my sister for her laptop, and here I am.

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully. I'm not going to stress of NaBloPoMo, though: It's not a huge deal, and I'm just going to do what I can.

Happy Doc Brown Day!

Now go be a Genius; just try to do it without banging your head on the toilet.

(About the shutting down -> I think it's the overheating thing again - the underside of the laptop is scalding hot, and I don't hear the little fan thing going round and round the way it should. That's what I get for saying that my computer problems weren't that serious. Now I have to figure out if it's worth paying to get it fixed or not. Sigh.)

Of course,

after yesterday's post, about how my computer was fine, it shut down, unexpectedly (and for no. good. reason.) twice today. So instead of the long rambling post I was working on, you're going to get this (2?3?5?) sentences paragraph that I am hustling out to you before the whole thing collapses again. I am hoping it just got overheated... that happens sometimes, and maybe that's what it was. But I can't push my luck here, as far as NaBloPoMo goes.

Hip Hip... Boo.

My poor, 4.5 year old computer has been running so obscenely slow lately, and I didn't exactly know why. Ok: That's not entirely true... I did know that there were a lot of pictures on here. When I packed up all my stuff in April (and still have yet to unpack a good 3/4 of it), I loaded a bunch of pictures on here beforehand.. a lot as in, about 20 years worth of scanned pictures, to share with Grandmother. And since then, I've taken about 1500 more (a lot of them horribly atrocious, but I don't delete. WHY don't I delete? I have no idea.) Usually, I upload them to my computer, then onto a DVD & my back up drive, and then erase them off the main drive. But lately, between feeling like crap, and having a million of things that I have to do (like unpack that remaining 3/4 of a life; start/finish people's birthday presents/christening presents from 2 years ago, etc), the backing up of something that is already sort of done has just not happened.

This picture is a screenshot breakdown of my computer files, and I think it does a pretty good job of showing why my computer is running so slowly: All that blue? Those are pictures. They take up an outrageously large portion of my hard drive, (87.3 GB out of 1 MB - Full of pictures) and it's a wonder I can get anything accomplished at all on here. The next largest chunk of color - those reds? That's my music library. Which also needs intense whittling.

I am not sure if I am glad about this news or not: On the one hand, I had been thinking I would have to buy a new computer soon, because it takes me 45 minutes to get Firefox to load and makes me want to cry. So realizing that all I really need to do is sit my butt down and get some stuff deleted is great, because I can't really afford a new computer. But it also kind of sucks because A) I don't want to do a lot of boring erasing and B) I would, in fact, like a new computer. But I am also very cheap/poor, and I know I won't buy it if it can be put off. Which, apparently, if I actually do the work, it can be.

So hooray for figuring out what the hell is wrong, but boo for actually having to fix it, basically.

Halloween Best Shots

I'm assuming that the majority of today's MBSM will be Halloween related, and I am so excited ~ I love to see all the costumes!

As for our Halloween, Lil Girl and Youngest Nephew came over early and spent the day hanging out with us... I miss spending time with Youngest Nephew now that school has started back up, and was so glad to see him. His sister was in a pretty nasty mood for part of the day (Sharing; what's that? Standing still so that Auntie can get a good picture: Que es esta?), and nobody understood my costume at all (Oracle; but nobody knows who the heck she is), but the majority of the day went well, nonetheless.




Youngest Nephew wasn't feeling particularly inspired this year, and wore his Army man costume from last year (and the year before), but with additional weaponry (yippee). Lil Girl was going to be a cat; then she wanted to be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz (because it came with a little stuffed dog), but while we were at the store, she saw this Dora the Explorer costume and decided she had to be Dora - because of Backpack (who she calls "Pack Back") - Lil Girl is all about the accessories. (There were a lot of comments in our family, about her being a little blond Dora, but I thought she looked adorable... I do wonder how many people she had to explain the costume to, though.)

We had more trick or treaters this year, in our new house, than I've had in the past 5 years at the old house, and were lucky enough that we had a bunch of older candy hiding in the cupboard, or else we would have run out of candy before 7 o'clock.

Now I'm off to see what everybody else did this weekend!

It's November...

And we all know what that means: It's NaBloPoMo again!

It's time for an overflow in Google Readers, an influx of random postings, an avalanche of "what the hell do I write now"s!

I'm actually excited to be participating in my fourth annual NaBloPoMo, because I have a million half-posts which have been brewing in my brain (and in the draft folder) for too long, and for the sake of actually finishing them, having a deadline is probably a good thing. Which means you'll finally get my post on the new XMRV findings, a few posts about ableism that I've been trying to hammer out the details on, some of my thoughts on the blogosphere, more than a couple of posts with some pictures, and probably a ton of quotes, because that's the kind of mood I've been in lately.

And I'm going to do my best to comment (at least) once a day too, this month, giving myself a new goal to meet. I feel like I've been reading so many good posts, and then clicking away without saying anything. Mostly because it feels like all I have to say is "Me too" or "Totally THIS.", and those feel inadequate to me. But following a recent discussion with a fellow blogger, I realize that when I get those comments, they mean the world to me, so leaving them is worthwhile, even if it doesn't feel like it.

So there we go: Two goals, thirty days, and a blogger who feels like setting goals might be akin to tempting fate, but is going to do it anyways.

Deep breaths, everybody; deep breaths.

"Has anybody seen my tambourine?"

Tim Curry is Halloween.

A lot of people have Halloween traditions that revolve around The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I don't think I've ever even seen the whole thing. For me, Tim Curry has some films in his reperitoire that are quite a bit scarier:

Between It, which basically ruined my sister's childhood & ability to go to birthday parties without melting down (and which, sorry SisterJ, they are remaking :yay!) and my favorite nonsensical Halloween 80's throwback treat, The Worst Witch, there is plenty of proof that Tim Curry is an excellent actor, appropriately cheesy, and just a creepy, creepy guy.

Evidence: He hates orphans; he wanted the rainforest destroyed; he ruined the word "poppet" for me; he plotted to kill a king; and he did it all with a smarmy, oil-slick sneer. He can be funny, could be charming - No: he is charming - but at the same time, you can't kind of tell he wants to rip you to pieces as soon as you aren't paying enough attention.
This is a guy who just can't help it: He's creepy in two Christmas movies... and a Muppet movie, for goodness sake. So here's a little Tim Curry to get you in the Halloween Spirit:

15 years and counting...

I turned 30 earlier this year, and, in the months leading up to that day, I was getting a whole lot of "Is turning thirty going to bother you?" "Do you think you're going to freak out?" "Does being 30 make you feel OLD?" type questions. I didn't think 30 was anything to freak out over, and told people so, even if I don't think of the number as having any actual relation to my life. (If you're going by how I feel I might as well be 97 right now, physically, and about 12, on a good day, emotionally.) But there is something about turning thirty that I knew was going to really mess me up, and that is that it marks a different sort of milestone for me: I have now been sick longer than I have been ill.

The last day I remember being well was October 20, 1994: Fifteen years ago. I have now been living with chronic illness for exactly 1/2 of my life. And that is a heavy, heavy thing.

It shouldn't be, probably: It's certainly no surprise, at this point, to realize that my illnesses aren't going anywhere. For the first few months, and even the first couple of years, there was the constant thought that "I could wake up better tomorrow" just as suddenly as I had woken up devastatingly ill that first morning. As time went by, and test after test would come back screwed up (but not treatable) and doctor after doctor stopped treating anything except the active infections (rather than the underlying whatever-the-hell-is-causing-this), it got harder and harder to believe that one day I'd just wake up better. One thing snowballed into another, relapse ran into relapse, sleep problems followed pain problems followed breathing problems followed energy problems, and the cycle just seemed inescapable. (It still seems pretty inescapable.)

And to know that there is no end in sight, that these 15 years are probably just the beginning of a really long haul (if I am lucky), that's a hard pill to swallow as well.

But here's another thing I've been thinking about: There were also numerous times where I figured, "I'm just going to die from this... I can't survive this time." (I still have those times, too.) And if I look at it that way, if I look at the past fifteen years and think - "Well, I've survived this for half my life. I've coped as best I could, and survived a lot of things I didn't think it was possible to survive. And I am still here" - then it's not quite as hard to swallow, I think. Seeing myself as a survivor, rather than a sufferer is one of the many distinctions about my identity I have had to make over the years, and it's one of the hardest to hold on to.

Here's the thing, I'm a woman with a disability: I have now been disabled half my life, and I am so proud of the ways in which I have met the challenges of my disability, in the ways I've cobbled together an identity from the bits and pieces of myself that were left over and the new ones I discovered along the way. In that way, I figure that I am no different from anybody else: Everyone - disabled or temporarily able bodied - spends those 15 years of their life (from 15 -30) trying to figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how to live in a way that is best for them.

Life experiences change who we are, and being ill has certainly changed who I am - and not in a completely negative way. But still, when October comes, I remember the part of me that I lost - the part of me died 15 years ago: the dancer who could be touched without crying, who had energy to spare after walking 5 miles, who thought she was going to be a million things, but none of them included this - and so I'm still mourning that person that I could've been, that I maybe should have been, but, at the same time I'm also incredibly proud of the woman I am turning out to be. Does this make sense to anybody but me?

Basically, as I came up to this Sick-a-versary, I was more conflicted than I've been in years past - it feels like both a solemn occasion, because of all that I've lost, and a cause for celebration, because I am Still. Here.

(I've been working on this post for a week, and it still doesn't feel like it explains exactly how I am feeling, but I suppose this is the closest I am going to get, for now. I hope it makes sense to some of you.)

The End

Final Tally!

Title of book(s) read since last update: The Areas of My Expertise
Number of books read since you started: 8 whole and two halves (of different books)
Pages read since last update:74
Running total of pages read since you started: 2282 + 74 = 2356
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 87 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 1269 + 87 = 1356 = 22.6 hours/24!
Mini-challenges completed: 8
Other participants you’ve visited: Around 24
Prize you’ve won: 1 ! T

Alright Folks - Readathon's Final Hour

End Meme


1. Which hour was most daunting for you? Somewhere around 5 o'clock, and hour 19, when I completely lost the ability to do math.
2. Could you list a few high-interest books that you think could keep a Reader engaged for next year? My first two books of the Readathon, The Sugar Queen and The Perks of Being a Wallflower were definitely winners.
3. Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next year? Maybe I will when I have some time to think about it, but not right now.
4. What do you think worked really well in this year’s Read-a-thon? Using audiobooks for exhausted/overly busy time periods; having enough of a TBR pile that I could just skip ahead to the next thing if what I was reading wasn't working for me. The Amazing Cheerleaders!
5. How many books did you read? 8 complete books (and 2 halves of other books)
6. What were the names of the books you read? The Sugar Queen, The Perks of Being A Wallflower, My Father's Dragon, Tempt Me At Twilight, Crouching Vampire Hidden Fangs, Positively Pooh, Visions in White, Bound By Your Touch and half each of The Introvert's Advantage and The Areas of My Expertise.
7. Which book did you enjoy most? The Sugar Queen, I think: it was the most enchanting, and unique.
8. Which did you enjoy least? The Introvert's Advantage: By the time I got to it, I wasn't in the mood, and there was a lot of specific science that I would like to read about, just wasn't happening for me today.
9. If you were a Cheerleader, do you have any advice for next year’s Cheerleaders?
10. How likely are you to participate in the Read-a-thon again? What role would you be likely to take next time? I know I'd love to participate again, I just am not sure whether I'd do it all exactly the same.

That said, I had a fabulous, fabulous time and I can't thank the cheerleaders/challenge leaders/organizers enough!

Hour 22

Into the last couple of hours here, and while I wouldn't say I'm still going strong, I am still going. Not all that unusual for me, except that I don't usually post every hour or two of my insomnia, so it's weird to try to think of things to say, or to attempt to add numbers together (thank god for calcuators!) Here are my latest, updated stats... I probably won't check back in again till it's almost finish-line time, so I just want to wish everybody who's still playing along a great last little while: You can do it!

Title of book(s) read since last update: Vision in White, Areas of my Expertise by John Hodgeman
Number of books read since you started: 8 & 3/4
Pages read since last update: 65
Running total of pages read since you started: 1840 + 167 (hour 19) + 210 (hours 20/21) + 65 (now) = 2282
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 40 min
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 180 +140 + 40 +909 = 1269 = 21.5 hours
Mini-challenges completed: 8
Other participants you’ve visited: None since about 1 o'clock this morning
Prize you’ve won: 1! Yay! From JoyStory.

Hours 20 & 21

Yeah, I'm still having issues with the maths, but I do know that I finished another book, which I'm pretty sure makes it 7, but I'll have to go back and double check in a little bit. It took me a little bit longer because of sleepy brain cells, but another 210 pages are done. And there's on a few hours left, so I'm going to turn off the lights and listen for a while, see if I can't get closer to the end of one more book.

Hour # I hate maths (also = 19)

We're getting into the wee small hours, here, and I'm not exactly feeling the number-love, so this post is just going to say that I finished another 100 pages of Tempt me at Twilight and am 67 pages into Vision in White by Nora Roberts, which is my first re-read of the whole Readathon. I've been reading non-stop since my last update, an hour and a half ago, so that's 180 minutes. And now I'm going to listen to the end of my audiobook, or head back into La Nora, (something nice and easy) with a short break to go grab another water and to close my window because it's getting cold.

Before she went to bed, Mum says to me "If you happen to feel your eyes closing... don't fight it," which is kind of one of those very sad jokes that only we get, because I've had insomnia now for at least 7 years: You can wager any amount of money that, challenge or no, if my eyes started to close? I would let them. She did have a good point though, that if somebody tells you you can't do something, it makes you want to do it even more, because people are perverse that way. So maybe, in the next couple of hours, I'll figure out that the way to solve my insomnia is to tell people I HAVE to stay awake. You could also lay a wager down that, if that works, I will pay someone to tell me that. Every night, for as long as it takes.

Readathon - Hour 17 - Getting closer now!

Title of book(s) read since last update: Bound by Your Touch, Tempt me at Twilight
Number of books read since you started: 7 (and two halves of other books)
Pages read since last update: 365
Running total of pages read since you started: 1475+365 = 1840
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 105 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 804+105 = 909 minutes
Mini-challenges completed: I've got 6 previous ones, and I'm including the Children's Lit mini-challenge & I gave my dancing routine mini-challenge over at Fyrefly books, so that brings me up to 8.
Other participants you’ve visited: I've been lax this past chunk of time, but I'm planning on getting around a little bit now, between books.
Prize you’ve won:0

Infantbibliophile asked for 5 of our favorite children's books, and that is a challenge that could not be more up my alley:

Here are 5 that we've read this past week:
1Fancy Nancy by Jane O'Connor and Robin Preiss Glasser
2Baby Sees by Eloise Wilkins
3Big Dog, Little Dog by PD Eastman
4I'll Teach My Dog 100 Words by Michael Firth
and
5What do Doozers Do? by Michaela Muntean

Heading into Hour #15, here's where I am

Title of book(s) read since last update: I read about 60 pages of The Introvert Advantage, which was great, but just not holding my interested, and then spent the rest of an hour listening to some Tempt me at Midnight, and now I'm 144 pages into Bound by Your Touch by Meredith Duran
Number of books read since you started: 6 books, 1/2 of two others
Pages read since last update: 284
Running total of pages read since you started: 1189+284 = 1475
Amount of time spent reading since last update: All but 16 minutes or so, when I was talking, since 8:00, so that's about 104 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 700+104 = 804
Mini-challenges completed: 5 previous, and then I did the re-reading the classics mini-challenge, so that makes 6
Other participants you’ve visited: Nobody new this time, I've been caught up
Prize you’ve won:

Halfway through and A survey too!

Mid-Event Survey:


1. What are you reading right now?Tempt me Twilight audio, and I think I'll be picking up Dairy Queen next.

2. How many books have you read so far? 6.5

3. What book are you most looking forward to for the second half of the Read-a-thon? Three Cups of Tea, which I've been saving forever.

4. Did you have to make any special arrangements to free up your whole day?
Not really: I was hoping to have Youngest Nephew over for a sleepover tonight, but it wasn't me that held that up, so aside from my parents, I've been all clear.

5. Have you had many interruptions? How did you deal with those? I've had very few interruptions, honestly. Mum or Dad wandering in, but that's about it.

6. What surprises you most about the Read-a-thon, so far? That time goes by so quickly, so I don't get to fit in as many of the add-ons as I might like. I think I'm going to cut back a little on the extracurricular chasing in this second half, unless I feel like listening rather than actively reading.

7. Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next year? I'm having such a fabulous time, I can't imagine what would make it better, at this point.

8. What would you do differently, as a Reader or a Cheerleader, if you were to do this again next year? Definitely vary the books a little bit better, have more choices immediately on hand (if I ever unpack the bookcases, this will not be an issue, but as it is, I can't get to all those boxes right this minute.) And maybe asking for sponsors to help with the donations (I'm still thinking about that).

9. Are you getting tired yet? I'm always tired, so this is just an ordinary day for me, only more people are playing along.

10. Do you have any tips for other Readers or Cheerleaders, something you think is working well for you that others may not have discovered? So far, the only trick I've got is the listening to audiobooks while I do the detail type things - the food getting, book retrieving, stretching of sore parts - so that I'm not losing any of the reading time. But I do that normally, too, so I can't say it's an adaptation I have just for the challenge.

Best of luck, everybody: We're halfway there!
(And, having made it to 6 books, I'm up to $50, so I feel pretty damn good about that!)

Readathon Hour #11 Update

Title of book(s) read since last update: My Father's Dragon by Ruth Stiles Gannett; Another couple chapters of Tempt me at Twilight
Number of books read since you started:
Pages read since last update: 140
Running total of pages read since you started: 1049+140 = 1189
Amount of time spent reading since last update: Since 5:55, I've been reading non-stop so that's 75 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 625+75 = 700 minutes (I love even numbers like that!)
Mini-challenges completed: Three previous challenges, plus the two I completed this hour = 5
Other participants you’ve visited: Skrishna (who has a fantabulous reading rate); All of the Readers of the hour
Prize you’ve won: 0

Things I would do differently next time: I would be better prepared - already, even though we're one hour short of the halfway mark, I find that I don't have the right mix of books - my non-fiction has been disappointing, the children's books too short - So I'm thinking next time have a better mix of re-reads and new-to-me reads, and probably add a few more YA books (which I love, but just didn't have any on hand) or branch out to graphic novels.

Readathon Mini-Challenges

Linus' Blanket has a mini-challenge called Feed Me Seymour, where you're supposed to post a scene where somebody is eating in from your books.

Here's Pooh Bear, being, well, Pooh Bear from Positively Pooh, Timeless Wisdom From Pooh:

Pooh always liked a little something at eleven o'clock in the morning, and he was very glad to see Rabbit getting out the plates and mugs; and when Rabbit said, "Honey or condensed milk with your bread?" he was excited that he said, "Both," and then, so as not to seem greedy, he added, "But don't bother about the bread, please."

And Joystory is hosting a Reading is Fundamental mini-challenge where we post a picture with kids and books... If you've been here before, you know I've got plenty to choose from... Let's see what I can dig up quickly (so I can get back to the printed books and give Kleypas a rest for a bit):





It's Youngest Nephew and Lil Girl at the local library - 2 years ago! - when we were first introduced to the joy of Llama, Llama, Red Pajama:)

See you back here soon!

Readathon Update - Hours 8-10

Title of book(s) read since last update:Crouching Vampire, Hidden Fang by Katie Macalister & a few more chapters of Tempt me at Twilight
Number of books read since you started: 4.5
Pages read since last update: 399
Running total of pages read since you started: (650+399=) 1049
Amount of time spent reading since last update: I can't believe my last update post was at 1:30! I've read non-stop since then, taking only about 15-20 minutes out here and there to talk with the people who are actually real in my life. So that's about 220 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 405 + 220 = 625 (10.42 hours!)
Mini-challenges completed:I just completed theRe-read Challenge, so that brings me up to 3 mini-challenges.
Other participants you’ve visited: I visited all the readers of the hour for hour 8 (Thanks again, everybody: I am not used to so much traffic all at once!)
Prize you’ve won: Still nunca, but that's ok... I'm having a ball!

Mini Challenge !

This is for the minichallenge over at Bartsbookshelf:

My title is Delicious Dairy Queen: Don't tempt me!

Readathon - Hour 8

(I'm left wondering what it says about me that every time I try to type "Readathon" I want to type "Readathong"?)


While I was busy updating this post, there was a sudden influx of comments: It turns out I am a Reader of the Hour! Welcome everybody ~ I'm so excited & am having a great time... I really appreciate the feedback & support!

Since I've got your attention, I'm just going to mention again that I am reading for The Whittemore Peterson Institute, for their astonishing and groundbreaking work with CFIDS research; Donors Choose, which allows teachers to post classroom needs and donors to pick which they can help with; and, since this is about books, what better way than to support a new generation of writers by supporting 826 National, which SisterK introduced me to this summer and which has an awesome program that promotes creative writing in schools. For every three books I read, I'm going to donate $25 (I haven't decided how to split it up yet), so I'm already up to $25 for three worthy causes.

Best of luck to everybody, and I'll try to do some visiting while Poppy continues to chase her sister's ferret (in the audiobook listed below)!

Title of book(s) read since last update: I'm listening to the audio of Tempt Me Tonight, by Lisa Kleypas
Number of books read since you started: Still 3 (audio books take so much longer, but it gives me a chance to see what everybody else is up to)
Pages read since last update: I have no idea how you measure that for audiobooks, so I am estimating (by counting the # of pages in a chapter from the last Kleypas I have in print and using that) that I am about 65 pages in.
Running total of pages read since you started: (585 + 65)650
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 75 minutes
Running total of time spent reading since you started: 330 +75 = 405 minutes
Mini-challenges completed: The Map, and now a title game
Other participants you’ve visited:Eclectic Eccentric (whose mini challenge was cool, but I had no shot at completing); Biblophile By The Sea (who is supporting a very worthy cause!); Alita Reads(who's a great cheerleader);A Striped Armchir (who happens to have one of the same books I have in my TBR) and Just One More Thing (who have a great title sentence sequence!
Prize you’ve won:

Readathon Update - Hours #5 & 6

"But first, I want to thank you for being one of those people who listens and understands ... And even though I didn't know you, I felt like I did because you sounded like such a good person. The kind of person who wouldn't mind receiving letters ... The kind of person who would understand how they were better than a diary because there is communion and a diary can be found."

The Perks of Being a Wallflower Stephen Chbosky


Title of book(s) read since last update:The Perks of Being A Wallflower; Postiviely Pooh
Number of books read since you started:3
Pages read since last update: 289
Running total of pages read since you started: (294 + 289) = 585
Amount of time spent reading since last update: I updated around eleven, I spent 20 minutes since then doing other things (I drank three cups of tea and a
bottle of water; I think you can do the math on that yourselves), so that gives me another 160 minutes... and I'm going to correct my math from this morning (when my brain was still trying to understand the numbers and say that 10 minutes from 3 hours is not 80 minutes, but in fact 170 minutes (IDK why I was thinking in terms of half hours, and so I made it every 3x30 and subtracted 10: Don't ask me)... so that means:
Running total of time spent reading since you started: (keep track of this one to be eligible for a prize!) I've got 330 minutes total, 5.5 hours! Yay
Mini-challenges completed: Still only the map one, but I'm going to do a bit of that now, and start fresh at 2:00
Other participants you’ve visited: Also am on my way to do this
Prize you’ve won: 0.. except for reading two extraordinary books and one pretty positive one!

Readathon - Hour 4

I'm about halfway through The Perks of Being A Wallflower, and it is NOT disappointing. I'll be back to have some lunch and do some mini-challenges, when I'm finished!

Hour 3, Readathon

"Books can be possessive, can't they? You're walking around in a bookstore and a certain one will jump out at you, like it had moved there on its own, just to get your attention. Sometimes what's inside will change your life, but sometimes you don't even have to read it. Sometimes it's a comfort just to have a book around. Man of these books haven't even had their spines cracked. 'why do you buy books you don't even read?' our daughter asks us. That's like asking someone who lives alone why they bought a cat. For company, of course." - The Sugar Queen, Sarah Addison Allen, p180

<3 Loved it! This was an awesome book - really: awesome. I am definitely adding Sarah Addison Allen to my autobuy list.

So, an hour and a half in, let's see what's what:

Title of book(s) read since last update: The Sugar Queen
Number of books read since you started: 1
Pages read since last update: 294
Running total of pages read since you started:
Amount of time spent reading since last update: 80 minutes - 5 minutes for an update and 5 minutes for talking to the lazy people who are just getting up, and that's it.
Running total of time spent reading since you started: (keep track of this one to be eligible for a prize!) 80 minutes
Mini-challenges completed: I pinpointed myself (ish) on the map over at heylady
Other participants you’ve visited:
Prize you’ve won: 0

Up next is one that's been on my list for quite a while, because I kept seeing quotes from it all over the place and going "Yes: that is truth", and now I'm going to see if it's as good as the parts I've seen. It's The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.

See you in an hour, all!

Readathon - Hour 2

Hi there! I'm an hour and 125 pages into my first Readathon, and I'm loving The Sugar Queen so far (I've just reached a twist in the plot, and am glad that I didn't see it coming from page one - page 71 maybe, but that's pretty dang good for me).

Here's the Dewey's Readathon Introduction meme that's going around:

Where are you reading from today? I'm reading from bed, at the moment, but I might switch it up later and head to the chaise or the couch.

3 facts about me … I'm living with my parents, one sister (out of 5), and three chronic illnesses; I have no idea how to decorate the my new space, but I like to cut out pictures of places that I'll never be able to afford to decorate like; and I like pigs in a blanket (the only snack I have pre-prepared for today's challenge).

How many books do you have in your TBR pile for the next 24 hours? I've started off with a stack of 9, but there's about 12 others on a shelf four steps away.

Do you have any goals for the read-a-thon (i.e. number of books, number of pages, number of hours, or number of comments on blogs)? I do: at least three books, so I can do my first charitable donation; I'd like to do at least 12 hours, which seems entirely feasible so long as the people in my house cooperate; and I'm going to participate as much as I can online!

If you’re a veteran read-a-thoner, Any advice for people doing this for the first time? Sorry: I'm a first timer!

Alright, I'm back to the North Carolina mountains, and some mesmerizing stories.

And they're off...

I've got a stack of books, a cup of tea, and my cosiest sweat pants: I am ready to go! I have no idea how this works, but I'll be checking back in pretty soon, to keep you guys posted - although, in all likelihood, this will just be a series of posts clogging up your Google Reader come Monday morning, in which case, feel free to skim/skip: Synopisis? I am reading A LOT, for charity even. Scroll through to the last post and see how many of the 24 hours I actually made it.

First book up: Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison Allen, whose first book Garden Spells was charming and enchanting. I've been saving this one for a special occassion, and now I've got one.

Best of luck to all the Readathon-ers, and I hope everybody has a great time!

Tomorrow, for the first time, I am participating in Dewey's 24 hour Read-a-thon. This challenge is something that's right up my alley because A) I love to read and B)I don't really sleep. Basically, I pledge to read - in whatever quantity or quality I choose - for 24 hours, beginning at 8 am tomorrow morning. I am wicked excited about it, for a couple of reasons.

The first is that it seems like these are my people - the book blogging community as a whole, and the idea that a community of bloggers are all going to be reading - & posting about reading - for this specific time period kind of fills me with a weird sense of glee... the sense of belonging, I suppose.

Secondly, I've set a few personal goals for myself:

• For every three books I read, I'm donating $25 to one of my chosen causes. The readathon isn't about how many books you read, and I don't want to make it about that, but I did want to have a few specific intentions to meet along the way. Since I am a relatively fast reader (although not the speed reader my family makes me out to be), I have no doubt that I can read three books within the specified time period, but I wanted to make sure that I stayed motivated during the 24 hours, so I decided that for every three books, I will make an additional donation. The three charities I'll be supporting are the three newest worthwhile causes that have made my radar: The Whittemore Peterson Institute, for their astonishing and groundbreaking work with CFIDS research (post to follow, really, but probably not till next week); Donors Choose, which allows teachers to post classroom needs and donors to pick which they can help with; and, since this is about books, what better way than to support a new generation of writers by supporting826 National, which SisterK introduced me to this summer and which has an awesome program that promotes creative writing in schools.
  


• I am going to do a 2:1 ratio of New to Me books to Old Familiars. Which means I'm hoping to make a rather large dent in my TBR pile, which means that I can then post those books on PaperbackSwap and get some more new to me books. ;)


• And I'm going to be posting as many times as possible during a 24 hour period (thus breaking my previous record of 3). I'm not going to set up a strict schedule, because if I say I'll post every half hour, and I'm really into the book I'm reading, I don't want to have to put it down to update y'all. I want to keep it so that it's still about enjoying the books. But I will promise to update as regularly as I can, participate in a few mini-challenges along the way, and check up on some of the other readers as well.

And lastly, I excited because this is something new. It's a new way to connect with new & old bloggy friends. It's something that incorporates the things I know I can manage physically with something that is out of my ordinary, and helps me to remember that, even in a flare (as I am still battling through), I can try something new and different.

So, I hope to see as many of you as possible here - at some point - tomorrow: I could use some great cheerleaders, if you're up for it. And if you're participating yourself, please let me know and I'll do my best to come root for you!

I've been working really hard on two posts: one on my sick-a-versary, and one on all of the new CFIDS research that's been coming out, and my take on the news/issues that surround it. They are both proving incredibly difficult to write (hello: conflicted much?), and so instead, today's post is going to be about how it took my virus scan 13.5 hours to scan my computer. That is more than half a day... I knew the computer was running slow, but that is fracking ridiculous! Of course, it may have something to do with the fact that there is about 8 GB of free space left on the drive, but that only goes to show you that this computer (four and a half years old now, which seems really YOUNG TO ME), is just not cutting it for me anymore. Of course, it's just going to have to hang on till the new year, or I win the lottery, which ever comes first.

A good way to start off the week

I know sometimes it must seem like all I take pictures of is Lil Girl, but that's just because she's here the most... On any given day, it's just me and Mum in the house for the majority of the day, and we both don't like to have our picture taken, so it's only when Lil Girl (a child who has known how to take her own picture since she was less than a year old) is around that I get the opportunity to play around with portraits.

Of course, she's also three and half, so a lot of the portraits come out looking like I was trying to take a picture of a blond and pink tornado, but I'll take what I can get. Anyway, here's my favorite shot from the batch I just finished editing (completely out of order, which is a pet peeve of mine, but I skipped ahead because of a friends wedding and forgot to go back).

I've been playing around with the sun and natural light lately (just in time for it to go away, right?), because I like the way it creates a halo through her curls... here's one of the ones that I think came out pretty good:



As always, you can catch more Best Shot Mondays over at Tracey's, where you can also hear about her exciting news! Way to go, Tracey! You can also check out some more of my newer pics by clicking on my Flickr badge in the sidebar.

Have a great week, everybody!

"I Love the World/And I Want to Lay Down"

"I love the world

it is so beautiful.

I love the world

every single day.

I love the world

when I was a little boy,

when I was a little girl,

when I was a little tiny baby.

I love the world

and I want to lay down.

I love the world

when I am a grown-up.

I love the world

and when I was a grown-up

I will be a teacher."

~ This is the song LilGirl made up for us the other day, which she then sang whilst spinning around in circles in the kitchen, waiting patiently for lunch to be served. The song includes what is probably my favorite line of lyrics ever, which I have used for this post title. Also, I have no idea where the whole teacher thing came from, except that if it were true (rather than the ramblings of a hyped up, loves to sing songs with nonsense words like "doobalala", 3 year-old), it would make her the fourth generation of teachers in our family. Which is nice and all, but I sure hope she decides to be a billionaire instead. Billionaires can teach.

A sale at Old Navy makes me wonder what year it is... I see shirts for Star Wars, Transformers, GI Joe, Snoopy, Hulk & Spiderman (all for boys, of course, but that's a different rant). At Target the other day, searching for a pair of pants to fit Lil Girl (who seems to have a permanent plumber's crack), there were Hello Kitty and Little Miss clothes right and left.

I'm just checking: it's not really 1985 is it?

"You are not as alone as you thought"

"We are lonesome animals. We spend all our life trying to be less lonesome. One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say — and to feel — ‘Yes, that’s the way it is, or at least that’s the way I feel it. You’re not as alone as you thought.’ ” John Steinbeck

Some quotient love. I've been feeling particularly lonesome lately, and it's nice to recognize that other people get it, so here are some random quotes that are sticking to my brain tonight.

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them. — Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper




"It's too late to sleep anyway. The coffee's gone cold, so I just heat up another pot. Tonight, I feel like my whole body is made out of memories. I'm a mix tape, a cassette that's been rewound so many times you can hear the fingerprints smudged on the tape. Press play." Rob Sheffield, Love is a mix tape; Life and loss , One Song at a time.

“She read about people she could never be and adventures she could never have.” - Pushing Daisies

and, finally, to sum up how I'm feeling about the state of our nation lately:

"I know you have a lot on your desk/plate, but as a thin man who smokes, you may not understand the concept: all that stuff you've been putting on your plate? It's F(*)%$ chow time, brother. That's how you get stuff off your plate!" Jon Stewart, in an aside to President Obama, The Daily Show, Oct 6, 2009

Start eating, people. Start eating.

I've had the house to myself this weekend (and, when I say weekend, I say after Saturday at 6 pm, because the people in my house never get anywhere on time), and I think I like it.

Sure it's quiet, and there's nobody to talk to, but I really don't feel like talking anyways, so it's all good.

Here are some things I did that I couldn't ordinarily do:

1. I tried eggs, which I used to love and then about 9 years ago, all of the sudden started hating. To the point of gagging when I smelled them, kind of hate. (I think it had something to do with baking a cake with the kids at school one day, and one of them cracking open a rotten egg, right into the cake mix. Obviously we started over, but the damage was done.) But lately, I've been making a lot of eggs - scrambled eggs are Lil Girl's go-to meal, and fried eggs on toast are Youngest Nephew's, so there was a lot of egg making this summer. And the last couple of times I've made them, I found myself thinking "A little salt, some toast and bacon, and that yolk might actually be yummy," which is a big improvement over having to sing a song to distract myself from the fact that I was cooking eggs. But I haven't been brave enough to try them, the way I like them. There's just still an 'ick' factor. But this morning I figured, what the hell - I'll make them, and if I don't like them, there isn't anybody around to pester me into trying them a different way, or asking me why I don't like them, or to rail at me about wasting food. (Yes: I don't like to waste food either, but one egg isn't going to kill anybody.) Besides, it's not a waste - it's an experiment. Yeah, so - experiment concluded: FAIL. ALL CAPS FAIL. Still do not like eggs.
2. I threw up. (See #1)
3. I listened to the radio for two days straight: WERS' weekend line up is awesome. Including the Playground, just for nostalgia points. As quietly or loudly as I wanted to, not competing with anyone else's music or television or voices.
4. I scrapped and semi-organized my scrap stuff, commandeering the table, the floors, the chairs and just leaving it all there overnight because I wasn't done. (Ordinarily, people would want to, you know, walk or sit or something, and I'd have had to put it all away and start over in the morning.)
5. I kept the door open all night, which I never do, because Jebus forfend that I should actually be in some form of near sleep and hear someone in another part of the house: death to them! But with nobody here to make noise, I figured what the heck.
6. I kept the porch light on all night, which is slightly paranoid. I didn't want to have to flip it on if somebody rang the bell, because then they would know someone was home and I would have to answer the door. This way, if I didn't want to answer the door, I didn't have to, but I could still see who it was. (And yes, the doorbell actually did ring twice this weekend: Once was the delivery guy who brought me disgusting food (see #2) and the other time was a guy Dad works with whose mother is our neighbor. He brought us cookies his wife had made. I will answer the door for cookies ANYTIME.)

Not too much, really. No orgies, to the disappointment of some corrupt family members. No parties, because I am not 17 and this is not a movie from 1986. Nothing reckless (although I was sorely tempted to try the shower on my own, even I am not that stupid) or even really that interesting. Just a little alone time, which is hard for me as far as taking care of myself physically (argh - why is there so much eating that has to be done?), but I think it was something that helped me take care of myself emotionally. I don't know about you, but I start to get a little growly if there are always people around. And closing my door doesn't always close out the rest of the house, so it was just a nice little break from what passes for normal around here.

How's your weekend going?

Some recent reading ~

Love Is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time by Rob Sheffield


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Yeah, I didn't really know a lot of this music... I am not up to date on the cool indy bands, and I never was. But I am sadly current when it comes to things like life and loss, and so found this to be moving and tragically real. There's kindness and moments of startling clarity and aimless, endless driving through the mountains, and I loved every page of it.

I continue to make mix tapes, and playlists, and mix CDs, because there are just songs that are just right for certain things. There are songs to hate by, songs to cry with, songs to sleep by, songs to be absorbed by... and music is as full of memories as any smell, any taste, any picture.

Just as an example of something that I really loved -


"It was bewildering and humbling to keep discovering how many brave things people can fail to talk themselves out of doing. There are a hundred excellent ways to talk yourself out of (writing a note like the one she sent me), and I've used them all."

Me too. I can talk myself out of just about anything... distract myself until it's too late to call, it's too far to go, all the stores are closed, and everyone else in the world who can still sleep is sleeping. And then I can spent the night berating myself for being a coward, cajoling & bribing myself into doing it 'first thing in the morning,' writing it on one to-do list after another. And I am constantly surprised that there are people in the world who just pick up the pen, or the phone, or the cookies they've just baked, and get it done: They just do the thing that seems impossible to me. I am in awe of those people ~ the ones who always remember to care.

Anyways... this book made me cry, which isn't fair, because now I have to make a new bookshelf, and go through my list again.


Understanding Exposure: How to Shoot Great Photographs with a Film or Digital Camera by Bryan Peterson


My rating: 3 of 5 stars
I was really hoping there'd be some sort of magic that would help to make this whole F stop business make better sense to me, but I'm not finding that to be true. I suppose I'll have to give in and take an actual, physical photography class, because I am just. not. getting it.


A Place Called Here by Cecelia Ahern


My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Searching for missing persons and winding up a missing person. It's an interesting idea ~ when you need answers that aren't there, how do you find them?

(Maybe spoiler-ish?)


Even at the end of the story, I'm not entirely sure if Here is real or not, but the book kind of makes you wish it were. An Oz full of lost people, waiting for someone with the ruby slippers.

View all my reviews >>

4 years in, and Blogger's spell check still doesn't recognize 'blogger' as a word...

This week marks my fourth anniversary here at Never That Easy, and it has me doing a bit of reflecting.

A lot has happened in these four years, in my life & in the world, and I have been immensely fortunate to have this space to come and talk about it all. I may not be the most popular blogger, but I do have commenters who care and who take the time to read my often long and rambling thoughts and then let me know what they think about what I've said. You guys have been amazing: so much more than I expected when I first signed up for this blogger account and racked my brain trying to come up with an anonymous name for my space.

Over the course of the 4 years here, I've tried some things that didn't work for me, I've gone weeks without posting - and posted every day for months. I've learned the basics of html, figured out how to make a generic template my own, and considered adding ads (and realized that they wouldn't make me a profit). I've written things I felt guilty about posting, and not written things I felt guilty about not posting. On one memorable occasion, I was made to feel like much less than I actually am, and on occasions too numerous to count, I am made to feel like I am so much more than I am.

Because I am a blogger, I am a part of a diverse, often inspiring, and sometimes overwhelming community - it's a community with flaws, just like any other, but the support I've found here, the welcoming and understanding, far outweigh any flaws I've encountered. It's something that is hard to explain to people who don't read blogs - it's sometimes hard to explain to myself.

All I know is I have found connections here, and that those connections came at a critical time for me.



Living with chronic illnesses can be a very selfish thing, by necessity - and not even always in a negative way. Self care is vitally important, especially for those of us living with chronic challenges. But if you spend all your time monitoring how you are feeling and what is impacting that and which pills are helping or which doctor you have to call again for the 1000th time, it's so easy to spiral into a place where the energy required to make it through your daily life means you wind up focusing, almost exclusively on your life. (At least for me, it does.) And that's not the way I want to live.


Blogging has also made me much more aware of how much other people are going through: it's not as if I didn't know that life is hard for everyone before I started reading blogs, it's that I didn't always feel it. It's a lot harder to stay self-centered when you're reading about other people's lives, when you feel compelled to comment on particularly poignant posts, when you've just spent 10 minutes crying over someone else's loss.

I've always connected to writing - books have been my salvation more often than I can count - but connecting through the fabulous writing of bloggers means connecting
to the lives of real people. And having them connect with you.

I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found people who understood - or who at least made the effort to understand. I didn't know there were so many people out there who had similar issues, who could get it, or people who have no idea what it's like to live my life, but who would listen to what I was saying and actually care. It still seems impossible to me that you all show up here whenever your Google Reader kindly informs you that I have said something else.

A lot of what I say is nonsense - memes and quizzes, random flotsam and jetsam from the wreckage of my brain - but a lot of it is also meaningful.

It's stuff that's hard to think, let alone write.

It's stuff that's personal and private and I that I never figured on sharing with anyone (let alone a bunch of people I've never met.)

It's stuff I'll always want to remember, and stuff I'd rather forget.

I don't have any promises for you about what comes next - I know there are some things I'd like to try this year, some stuff I'd like to feature in this space - but all I really know for sure is that I'll be back. Even when it seems like I just am not ever going to get around to writing half the posts that are littering up my head, I know I have to say something. So, thanks for being here when I do!

"New Classics"

Best TV shows of the past 25 years (1983-2008): I watched 83 out of 100, and have heard of all 100. I never watched The X-Files or Star Trek TNG, but I sometimes meant to.

As for movies , I've seen 54 out of 100 : a few of my biggest misses are The Matrix, South Park, and The Blair Witch Project, all products of 1990's trends that I totally skipped out on (shaky cameras are not good for vertigo sufferers, FYI); and there were a couple of 'in my Netflix/when I get around to it' contenders, including Glory, Broadcast News, and The Piano.

I knew going into it, I should've just skipped over the Music list, but I'm a glutton for punishment. My musical taste, while eclectic, is not exactly in fashion: I don't like most rap, I know all the words to a lot of showtunes and stage musicals, and my Real Player includes genres such as a capella, cover songs, 1920s, and power ballads. I surprised myself by knowing (and/or owning pieces from) 5 of the top 10, but when it came down to it, really only knew 26 out of the top 100.

What about books, you might ask. I read a lot. You all know this. Once, a local librarian saw me coming and said to her co-worker "I'm going on lunch before this one comes in with her neverending stack." Since I have discovered PaperbackSwap, I've logged less library time (but more post office time), and saved over $2000 that I would've spent if I'd been buying books at a store. Still, though, usually what people call "Classics" and what I consider "Must Reads" are very different. So how did I make out on the book list? My lowest ratio yet: just 14 out of the 100. BUT a lot of these books are already in my TBR list, and a few of them I started to read and just couldn't make it through (I'm looking at you A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Ha!)

Bubbly

I know summer's just about over (and I'm not exactly sad about that), but this I really like this collage. It's a collection of bubble-shots that I took with Youngest Nephew, and we spent the day working hard together to figure out F-stops and distance, zooming and shadows, when to use slow speed, and when to use fast. It's funny how trying to explain things to a 9 year old makes you realize how many wholes there are in your own education. Even with that, though, we both took some pictures we really loved. The one of the bubble in the grass is his, and I think it's awesome.

Don't forget to head over to Tracey's for more Best Shots.

Some random thoughts

and quotes, just to give you a sense of how my weekend's going.

"I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it."

Sex and the City.

via Quotebook

:Sigh: Not having the easiest time finding a dress that fits me in a reasonable way, and having found one that I think works, I now have to search for shoes. Wicked excited about that, if you couldn't tell. Am focusing on how happy my friend is, how wonderful it will be to see her get married, and how, really, ain't nobody going to be paying attention to me.

"If you're going to find out who you'll become, you need space in your life for who you are, rather than storing reminders of who you thought you were going to be." Dr. Wende

I'm finding that unpacking and moving in are not just physical actions, there's a lot of mental work involved as well. Giving up some things, holding on to others, deciding which is which is difficult work, and so I spend a lot of time thinking "I should be doing X" and instead checking my Google Reader. Which isn't to say I haven't accomplished somethings:

Going through my pharmacological supply and realizing that I've taken over 100 kinds of pills that have done zero, zip, nada for me? Hard. Throwing them away? Easy.

Seeing some of the stuff I've set aside in my hope chest (which was never really about getting married for me, but more about having a family), and realizing that I'm still hoping? Still on hold when it comes to those dreams? Hard. So, so hard. Still imagining the little bald babies (in my family, there are only bald babies) that might someday be wearing these things? Very, very easy.

Realizing that things I played with, or wore, or that we had around the house when I was a kid are now considered 'vintage'? Not exactly hard, but kind of ridiculous feeling, just the same. Realizing that I can take advantage of this and label things as 'vintage' when we list them on e-bay, etsy or craigslist? Awesome.

"It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires great strength to decide on what to do." Elbert Hubbard

I am also, as always, caught up in the middle of various family issues. A baby shower and who should plan it. Parents who need to quit smoking, but just can't seem to. (And, my inability to just FORCE them to, which shows me just how much of a control freak I can be.) A sister who doesn't understand that texting and driving (or drinking "so long as I'm not drunk" and driving. or 3 in the morning combined with either or both of these things and driving) is not just stupid and dangerous, but hypocritical of her. (This is one of those things I "just don't understand" because I don't drive or drink - she "knows her limits and isn't stupid enough to drive if she's too tired/drunk/distracted." Seriously? I tried to explain that NOBODY thinks they're too drunk/tired/distracted, and yet people are still dying/killing other people. I had to leave the room before one of us wound up punching the other.) A nephew who needs his parents to pay attention to him, and can't seem to get their attention in any positive way. A brother who's blind to all he's got, reckless with his own life, & careless with the lives of those he's supposed to be caring for. A grandmother who's isolated again, now that I'm not there, and UJ is painting their porch, but doesn't want to come over because "it's such a bother" to us. (Head -> desk. NOT A BOTHER! Also, it's Grandparent's Day, and you are my one surviving grandparent... please let me be bothered!)

All of that stuff is buzzing around, and there's so much of it that I often feel like a radio that can't tune into just one station - there's too much static, too much fuzz, and there's always some other faint voice playing over the specific thing you're trying to hear. And then there's how I feel which can not just cover up the sounds I'm listening for, but break in with it's on emergency alert tone if that's what it takes to get me to listen to it. It makes for a muddle, sometimes.

I keep practicing my breathing, though, in the hopes that I can sometimes settle on just the one thing: the hard part is figuring out which is the right thing. And not feeling horrible at the million or so other things that get left out, hoping that you're getting to the stuff that really matters, and that the stuff you're letting go can figure itself out without your help.

(And that makes it seem like I think I am the center of the universe, which I really don't. I just find it hard to figure out where to put my energy sometimes, and find it impossible to just not worry about the things I don't get to.)

Anyways...

Have a nice, deep breathing picture to help you through your day... I hope you all are doing well today.
via MissWallFlower